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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

H tried to initiate sex and I told him to f off

116 replies

LilaNorcross · 14/10/2017 07:22

Now he's all hurt and refusing to talk to me.

We're mid-40s, our sex life has been dead for about ten years. Its death coincided with me putting on weight (from size 10 to size 14) and aging and starting to sag. Although that's just bitterness talking - I actually have no idea why our sex life is dead because he's never told me. I've tried initiating sex several times but he wasn't interested, so now I leave him alone, and I've tried discussing it several times but he's the king of stonewalling and gaslighting and making himself look good, so all I've ever had is 'I don't know, I'm tired', 'why are you bringing this up now?', 'Well let's both make more of an effort'.

I can't actually remember the last time we had sex in our home, it must be at least ten years, although we still share a bed. We still had sex once a year on holiday, but that's stopped now as well and the last time was two years ago.

Last night we went to a family function and stayed in a lovely hotel. I've recently lost weight and am back down to a size 10. I looked nice and I felt good for the first time in years - my self esteem has been shit because my husband can't bear to have sex with me and I've assumed it's because I've had the cheek to age and put on weight. We had a good night and were both tipsy, but when I realised he wanted to have sex with me, all the pent-up anger and hurt rushed out. I said, 'What the fuck do you think you're doing? You've not touched me for years and never told me why, you've made me feel like shit about myself. Our sex life is dead - you can fuck off if you think you can pretend this is a normal marriage for a night.'

Now he's acting all huffy and refusing to talk to me. Reading back what I said to him is awful, but it was years of frustration and hurt come to a head.

OP posts:

AlonsosLeftPinky · 14/10/2017 07:29

I wouldn't speak to you either after being told to fuck off.

Your other issues you either address together or not at all really.

Original poster

LilaNorcross · 14/10/2017 07:31

Posted before I added my question. I realise what I said last night was nasty, but I can't bring myself to apologise. I just can't. So we're at a stalemate, with him all hurt and not talking to me, and me refusing to apologise.

Should I apologise? There's no point trying to discuss the reasons behind my outburst because he's a gaslighter/stonewaller, so I won't get an honest healthy discussion anyway.

OP posts:

whatsthecomingoverthehill · 14/10/2017 07:31

It doesn't sound like you like him very much.

Belleoftheball8 · 14/10/2017 07:32

You need to ask yourself why are you still together it sounds like a loveless unhappy marriage

MessyBun247 · 14/10/2017 07:33

He sounds a bit abusive, gas lighting and stonewalling? No sex for years? No wonder you exploded. Do you even want to stay in the relationship? Are other aspects of the relationship good?

GinIsIn · 14/10/2017 07:33

Well it doesn't sound like you like him, which is a bigger problem than sex.

MessyBun247 · 14/10/2017 07:34

And he's huffy because he feels like you hurt him? Sounds like he's being hurting you for years. If you don't like each other, end it and find someone who appreciates you.

bastardkitty · 14/10/2017 07:35

No wonder you exploded!

haveabiscuitor2 · 14/10/2017 07:36

Why are you together 🙄

PaintingByNumbers · 14/10/2017 07:37

This marriage sounds long dead, I am not surprised you finally cracked. Do you want to stay? What would an apology achieve? Paper over a few cracks I suppose. Is he having sex outside the marriage? My dh was. I felt like you too. Finding out about the affair lifted the weight.

Tilapia · 14/10/2017 07:38

I don’t think this is really about this incident and whether or not you apologise. It’s more about the terrible level of communication in your marriage generally. He can’t act all huffy and expect an apology if he’s not prepared to talk about what is going on!

stitchglitched · 14/10/2017 07:39

If my partner had refused to touch me for ten years and then felt that he had the right to randomly initiate sex because he suddenly found me presentable enough I would feel violated personally. I don't blame you for blowing up.

QuiteLikely5 · 14/10/2017 07:42

Why are you with this man? This is not a marriage

It's hard to understand who stopped the sex - you because of your weight or him ?

Either way there was an opportunity to move past it all

Ceebs85 · 14/10/2017 07:42

Your issue isnt the lack of sex its the lack of communication.

Depending how you feel about swearing at your husband you could apologise for that bit, but then try to explain why you've exploded.

I'm unclear how he's gaslighted you etc. And you are making assumtions that he hasnt wanted sex because of weight gain and aging. Either you both talk honestly or don't but if you don't you have to walk away for your own sanity.

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 14/10/2017 07:45

What stitchglitched said. It may be one thing if you had been able to talk to each other about the problem over the years and acknowledged it as a problem. But to just spring this on you after so many years of no physical intimacy and expect you to jump for joy is pretty ridiculous.

OliviaStabler · 14/10/2017 07:46

Why are you still with him?

category12 · 14/10/2017 07:47

Why are you still with him? Take this explosion as the motivation for change, one way or another.

Original poster

LilaNorcross · 14/10/2017 07:52

I'd describe it as a companiable relationship - we're friends. So things are very nice between us as long as I don't rock the boat. He will happily discuss work, where we're going for dinner, what to watch on TV and so on. But if I bring up anything to do with our relationship or ask a favour of him, then I think he sees it as a criticism and he will get irritable, walk out, deny it, or shut me down.

We have lovely holidays and days out, go out for dinner, watch TV or read in nice companiable silence. But that's as far as it goes. I don't know if I want to stay or not. I like his company, and I don't have children or a close family or many friends. So I'd be lonely if I left and I'd miss him. But I recognise this isn't a normal marriage.

If I apologise for last night, then we can go back to our companiable relationship.

OP posts:

Original poster

LilaNorcross · 14/10/2017 07:53

He stopped the sex, not me.

OP posts:

JWrecks · 14/10/2017 07:58

I honestly cannot blame you, OP.

OliviaBenson · 14/10/2017 08:01

Gosh op, this is no life.

I don't blame you at all for what you did and I certainly would not be apologising. Will her try and talk to you today about it or will he just sulk?

you need to think about yourself long term. You say you worry you will be lonely if you leave but a marriage with no intimacy is also very lonely.

MessyBun247 · 14/10/2017 08:03

'If I don't rock the boat'. So basically as long as he has things the way he wants them, all is ok. But if you speak about your own needs, he doesn't give a shit. Please don't stay because you think you will be lonely without him. You are lonely WITH him.

CiderwithBuda · 14/10/2017 08:05

I don't blame you either.

I am in a sexless marriage and it's also not my choice. However I have now accepted the situation and since menopause am not bothered. And I know that DH loves me and I love him.

However if I was to lose weight and suddenly he was interested I would probably react like you. But my DH is not interested in sex full stop.

How old are you?

You really need to ask yourself if this is what you want. It sound like last night crystallised all the hurt and rejection you have been feeling. Which is totally understandable.

Original poster

LilaNorcross · 14/10/2017 08:09

He will likely start talking to me by the end of today, as if nothing happened. It will never get spoken about and we'll just go back to the way things were.

Thanks for all your replies. I'm feeling very sad and tearful reading them because I know you're all right.

OP posts:

Original poster

LilaNorcross · 14/10/2017 08:10

I'm 45.

OP posts:

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