H tried to initiate sex and I told him to f off

[LilaNorcross]

Now he's all hurt and refusing to talk to me.

We're mid-40s, our sex life has been dead for about ten years. Its death coincided with me putting on weight (from size 10 to size 14) and aging and starting to sag. Although that's just bitterness talking - I actually have no idea why our sex life is dead because he's never told me. I've tried initiating sex several times but he wasn't interested, so now I leave him alone, and I've tried discussing it several times but he's the king of stonewalling and gaslighting and making himself look good, so all I've ever had is 'I don't know, I'm tired', 'why are you bringing this up now?', 'Well let's both make more of an effort'.

I can't actually remember the last time we had sex in our home, it must be at least ten years, although we still share a bed. We still had sex once a year on holiday, but that's stopped now as well and the last time was two years ago.

Last night we went to a family function and stayed in a lovely hotel. I've recently lost weight and am back down to a size 10. I looked nice and I felt good for the first time in years - my self esteem has been shit because my husband can't bear to have sex with me and I've assumed it's because I've had the cheek to age and put on weight. We had a good night and were both tipsy, but when I realised he wanted to have sex with me, all the pent-up anger and hurt rushed out. I said, 'What the fuck do you think you're doing? You've not touched me for years and never told me why, you've made me feel like shit about myself. Our sex life is dead - you can fuck off if you think you can pretend this is a normal marriage for a night.'

Now he's acting all huffy and refusing to talk to me. Reading back what I said to him is awful, but it was years of frustration and hurt come to a head.

Jesus
Of course people shouldn't have sex they don't want but equally they shouldn't stonewall and shit down every attempt to discuss the problem for 10 years!
There really are some goady twats on mumsnet

Before you go.

I know you've tried before, but can I suggest you try a conversation starting with, 'I'm sorry (name) I snapped last night, but there are some things I just don't understand, we haven't had sex (or similar words), why do you think that is?'

Force yourself to stay calm, try acting the speech somewhere private (driving car) out loud.

If he does his usual, speak even quieter, 'no, I don't think it is to do with me so I'm booking an appointment with GP (Counsellor) to see what my options are'.

I wish you well.

Thank you for the well wishes. And yes I will try another conversation - and also look into counselling as also suggested.

I would look at counselling just for yourself as a priority. Wishing you happiness in the future

Op I stayed a very long time with someone who didn't want sex and I didn't have children and I thought I was very independent etc.
He would also shut down any conversation about anything to do with our relationship

It meant that huge amounts of resentment built up, but I still sort of loved him, and lots of other things were good, companionship, doing lots of nice things together.

The problem is, if you have someone that won't talk then it really does eat away at you and then you have a situation like you did in the hotel which I think is totally understandable. I've gone full rage on him. But then it would get ignored and it would all go back to normal

I started to go to a therapist on my own, (I asked him to come to joint, but he didn't see the need) it really helped me work out what I wanted.
For so long I had not wanted to rock the boat (properly rock it)

We did split up. We are on friendly terms now, see each other now and then, send each other emails etc.
I miss companionship, but overall I know long term we are better apart.

Anyway sorry that was a bit of a ramble, but it seems you've been trying to keep it all together and slowly it's simmering away in the background.

Counselling helps to see the wood for the trees

Telling him to fuck off was just nasty.

HennyPenny's

I don't think you read the whole thread, or even the OP's posts.

The one where she says he throws her stuff around then denies all knowledge? (09:08)

It's a 5 page thread.

Well, first of all you need to stop regarding a size 14 as being overweight - that is just plain crazy. And you need to deal with your self-image. What he thinks or wants is pretty irrelevant at this point. Until you have pride in yourself and stop beating yourself up for looking like a woman in her 40s (it is allowed you know!) you cannot tackle this relationship problem.

And as for last night - if he has given you the cold shoulder for years with no explanation I can understand that you blew your top - and the alcohol will have loosened your tongue.

I am 69 - I could not give a flying f* what people think of me for my looks - I am a size 16, and have quite a few wrinkles - that is how you look when you are 69. There are more important things to be thinking about. Get thee to a counsellor who can start helping you to feel good about yourself.

Telling him to fuck off was not nasty, it was well deserved. He throws OPs stuff around and then denies it, making her feel like she's going mad. He's only happy when he gets his way, won't communicate about important issues etc etc. He is the nasty one, not OP.

OP deserves to be HAPPY. Like actually happy, with someone who cares about her and makes her feel good.

And so the cycle continues. Emotionally and physically he wants things on his own terms. If you don’t want to leave then a) accept that this is who he is and b) this is the price of staying with him.

I do not know why he’s like this and neither do you but you can find out why you put up with it.

You need to figure out why you've stayed in this dead dog of a marriage. You've wasted so much time already, why waste more?

I'd have been upset too, OP. No explanation for having zero interest for years, then suddenly he is interested, again with no explanation, and you're supposed to just go along with it?

Did he compliment you that evening or say how good he thought you were looking? Does he ever do that, over the last few years?

45 is not old. Many people start first, second or third relationships at this age. I can understand your anger. I agree that you need to love yourself (whatever your looks, age) and that deep down you seem unhappy. I would suggest taking some time and thinking about what you want in the future as a single person and ask yourself where you see yourself in the next year, years. You deserve happiness and you can do so much better

I forgot to add that communication is lacking in your current relationship. Also that you have been passive in accepting the status quo, be brave and make some positive changes

Telling him to fuck off was just nasty.

Do people post this shit as a wind up?

Write him letter, detailing everything you put in your post, but begin the letter, ' I love you, but I feel I need to express a number of things...... ' And express them........

Ask him to respond by writing YOU a letter, whereby he can hopefully address your issues, and list some of his own......

It takes two to tango...... Or not !?

Him constantly ' shutting you down ' is wrong, but it's coming over as a defence mechanism, for him, and whatever personal issues he has.....

Telling someone who loves you to ' fuck off ' will never bode well......

I can't help thinking if you had dtd..... Then lay together in the aftermath / afterglow, being relaxed, you both could of talked, but more importantly, listened to each other......

I don't think either you or him are to blame, for a pattern of behaviour that has evolved over time for whatever reason.......

Good luck to you both.....