H tried to initiate sex and I told him to f off

[LilaNorcross]

Now he's all hurt and refusing to talk to me.

We're mid-40s, our sex life has been dead for about ten years. Its death coincided with me putting on weight (from size 10 to size 14) and aging and starting to sag. Although that's just bitterness talking - I actually have no idea why our sex life is dead because he's never told me. I've tried initiating sex several times but he wasn't interested, so now I leave him alone, and I've tried discussing it several times but he's the king of stonewalling and gaslighting and making himself look good, so all I've ever had is 'I don't know, I'm tired', 'why are you bringing this up now?', 'Well let's both make more of an effort'.

I can't actually remember the last time we had sex in our home, it must be at least ten years, although we still share a bed. We still had sex once a year on holiday, but that's stopped now as well and the last time was two years ago.

Last night we went to a family function and stayed in a lovely hotel. I've recently lost weight and am back down to a size 10. I looked nice and I felt good for the first time in years - my self esteem has been shit because my husband can't bear to have sex with me and I've assumed it's because I've had the cheek to age and put on weight. We had a good night and were both tipsy, but when I realised he wanted to have sex with me, all the pent-up anger and hurt rushed out. I said, 'What the fuck do you think you're doing? You've not touched me for years and never told me why, you've made me feel like shit about myself. Our sex life is dead - you can fuck off if you think you can pretend this is a normal marriage for a night.'

Now he's acting all huffy and refusing to talk to me. Reading back what I said to him is awful, but it was years of frustration and hurt come to a head.

Why do some people always have to derail the op's thread and start arguments with other posters? give your advice to op and leave it at that.

if you are discussing it in a very aggressive, put-out way, and not showing any kindness, then he won't want to talk about it. He may be scared shitless by his lack of sex drive or possibly ED.

Last night was the first time I have snapped. For ten years I have walked on eggshells and broached the subject kindly and gently. Every. Single. Time. And no matter how kindly and gently I broach the subject, he gets annoyed and shuts me down. Every. Single. Time.

He does not have ED. The odd occasion we had sex, there have been zero problems there. Same last night. Low sex drive maybe, but how would I know if he won't tell me? I suspect it's way more complicated than that and that he has intimacy issues - his siblings royally fuck up all their relationships and their parents relationship was appalling. But honestly, I really have no idea BECAUSE HE REFUSES TO TALK TO ME.

TheStoic

Apparently, the OP is a strong independent woman and they don't have children. She could have moved on 8-9 years ago.

And yet, here she is, 10 years later. Clearly this set up living next to each other and carrying on with resentment is what works for her.

HennyPennys So you're implying the OP is to blame for her husband ignoring every attempt she has made to resolve the situation. Rubbish! OP you say you haven't had sex in your home for almost 10 years which means since you were 35 years old. Thats no way to live. Are you really happy to spend the rest of your life like this?

Lila

re your comment:-
"his siblings royally fuck up all their relationships and their parents relationship was appalling"

Did the above not raise any serious alarm bells?. After all we learn about relationships first and foremost from parents. You may well have loved him once OP but love is not enough and unsurprisingly the love has died. You have stayed together for your own reasons.

So you hate that he doesn’t initiate sex and hate that he has initiated sex? Time for counselling or to walk away op.

Clearly this set up living next to each other and carrying on with resentment is what works for her.

Oh yes. Clearly. Certainly sounds like it’s working for her, doesn’t it.

Issue him an ultimatum. He needs to talk to you or you walk away

Should he have had sex if he didn't want to? Isn't there a name for that?
Isn't everyone entitled to decline sex?

OP, I’d suggest having some counselling in your own, to look at why you’re staying (are you co-dependant?) & talk through leaving this marriage.

The difference in how threads from women & men in sexless marriages are approached by MN is shocking!

Oh don't start that shite

My comment was to BartholinsSister BTW

Atilla, he's not that close to his siblings so I didn't learn just how bad things were until a few years into our relationship. I didn't even meet one of his brothers until our wedding day. Same with his parents - they lived in another country and besides, they were always on their best behaviour in front of me. I honestly didn't know how bad things were until they died and my husband and his siblings all talked about it then.

Is relationship counselling on the cards OP?

Gas lighting does sound like a red flag to me so maybe counselling on your own may be more helpful.

bastardkitty
Oh don't start that shite
So people should have sex when they'd rather not??

I think I'll step away from this thread now.

Thank you very much to those posters who have offered advice and understanding and kindness. I really do appreciate it and I'll think about what you've said. It's very obvious from all the replies - both kind and unkind - that I need to make a change.

On the one hand you talk about him very kindly eg enjoy watching tv or going out for dinner together but you have this anger and resentment which has been building for ten years. How can you share a bed or sit through a dinner with him and act polite and civilised when you feel so angry at him and you have no explanation for his feelings?

Why are you still together OP?

I could have written your post except my OH makes random efforts at duty sex.
In your situation I don't blame you at all for feeling angry with him.
I feel for you and I wouldn't blame you whatever you decide to do.

Don't be obtuse, bartholinssister - a decade of no sex plus the refusal to discuss it at all being a problem is nothing like expecting someone to have sex they don't want.

Don't be obtuse, bartholinssister - a decade of no sex plus the refusal to discuss it at all being a problem is nothing like expecting someone to have sex they don't want.

I read it and thought good for you! However, I would have left him a long time ago. Life is too short to be in a cold loveless relationship.

Telling him to fuck off seems pretty mild to me, sounds a bit like a long term flatmate trying it on after a few drinks.

I do think you should have left years ago though, it's not much of a marriage.