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Relationships

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Original poster

H tried to initiate sex and I told him to f off

116 replies

LilaNorcross · 14/10/2017 07:22

Now he's all hurt and refusing to talk to me.

We're mid-40s, our sex life has been dead for about ten years. Its death coincided with me putting on weight (from size 10 to size 14) and aging and starting to sag. Although that's just bitterness talking - I actually have no idea why our sex life is dead because he's never told me. I've tried initiating sex several times but he wasn't interested, so now I leave him alone, and I've tried discussing it several times but he's the king of stonewalling and gaslighting and making himself look good, so all I've ever had is 'I don't know, I'm tired', 'why are you bringing this up now?', 'Well let's both make more of an effort'.

I can't actually remember the last time we had sex in our home, it must be at least ten years, although we still share a bed. We still had sex once a year on holiday, but that's stopped now as well and the last time was two years ago.

Last night we went to a family function and stayed in a lovely hotel. I've recently lost weight and am back down to a size 10. I looked nice and I felt good for the first time in years - my self esteem has been shit because my husband can't bear to have sex with me and I've assumed it's because I've had the cheek to age and put on weight. We had a good night and were both tipsy, but when I realised he wanted to have sex with me, all the pent-up anger and hurt rushed out. I said, 'What the fuck do you think you're doing? You've not touched me for years and never told me why, you've made me feel like shit about myself. Our sex life is dead - you can fuck off if you think you can pretend this is a normal marriage for a night.'

Now he's acting all huffy and refusing to talk to me. Reading back what I said to him is awful, but it was years of frustration and hurt come to a head.

OP posts:

MGKROCKS · 14/10/2017 08:10

I'd be amazed if this was down to you being a size 14...I guess coincidence that hes initiated sex after you lost weight.i think this is about him ,not you.so what changed around the time you stopped having sex? Did he want children ? Did you have a close shave with an accidental pregnancy? Or is he angry there are no children and punishing you with no sex? .....I really don't think this is about how you look,totally understand how you must of felt in that hotel room ...how about a session at relate to see if this can be sorted out?..is he taking any medication? As that can kill your sex drive and make getting an erecting difficult,was there a time he could get an erection? Has that made him scared of trying? Has he become addicted to porn sites? That as well can kill your desire for loving sex...could he be depressed? That makes you not care about having sex.

MGKROCKS · 14/10/2017 08:11

Couldn't not could

Onecall · 14/10/2017 08:14

You sound very angry with him and I understand that. I can't work out why neither of you have tackled the issue head on in ten years. Only you know if you want to be with him or not.

Did you want children?

MargotMoon · 14/10/2017 08:16

I don't blame you for exploding and venting. I've had all those years of hurt inside me too (divorced now and never got the chance to express it). If you were a bit pissed it was bound to come out. Maybe you should apologise for the fuck off but not the reason for your anger, see if you can get him to start talking?

AdalindSchade · 14/10/2017 08:16

It's not really much of a relationship if you can't talk to each other about anything important.

goldenclaire · 14/10/2017 08:17

You both had a good night and you felt good, i would have gone along with it, had sex, and then had a heart to heart after.

ColossalKalamari · 14/10/2017 08:17

Do you really want this forvthe rest of your life?

Original poster

LilaNorcross · 14/10/2017 08:20

Neither of us wanted children and there have been no ED problems or pregnancy scares. I've always been on the pill.

I'm certain he's not having an affair. He very rarely goes out with friends, never stays late at work, doesn't hide his phone etc. He's very happy in our relationship - he often compares us to his siblings, who all have disastrous relationships, and says how good our relationship is in comparison.

OP posts:

Lovemusic33 · 14/10/2017 08:24

I think there's several things going on here. I do think you were wrong to tell him to fuck off, I don't think your size or aging would have ever been a issue (I don't think it bothers men as much as it bothers us, I'm sure he's getting older too?). It sounds like you don't love him and possibly he doesn't love you either, your just rubbing along because the thought of leaving is too much hassle?

I left my dh after many years of him wanting sex and me not wanting it. Eventually I worked out that my sex drive was not the problem, the problem was I didn't love him anymore, we were great friends but the sexual spark and the love had gone. I'm so pleased I ended it.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 14/10/2017 08:29

Lila, do you truly love him ?
He sounds quite controlling.
Hopefully, now that you have lost your extra weight, you may have found a new confidence, and realise that you are still an attractive, relatively young woman. Women are having their first child at your age !
If you would like to be in a loving relationship, time is still on your side.
Your husband is right to compare you to his siblings, because that, is what you are both living as.
If you aren't happy, grab life by the horns !
Of course counselling may help, if he agrees to it.

0ccamsRazor · 14/10/2017 08:33

If (((hug))) Op!

Its almost as though you are a Stepford wife, what a horrid shallow role your dh has put you in.

You do not have to live like this, there are other paths to take.

I hope that you find fulfillment.

TheStoic · 14/10/2017 08:33

If you don’t want to end it, but also don’t want your sex life to be over, I’d be initiating an open marriage.

DrMorbius · 14/10/2017 08:34

Fear of the unknown is stopping you leaving, not your love for your DH. If you were to ask on here for success stories of woman leaving a loveless marriage, you will get loads of stories with happy endings Op. happiness is out there.

Dr Morbius mantra #1 In life always make the decision you would make if you were not afraid (in other words take the fear out of the equation). Good luck Op

Silvereyes · 14/10/2017 08:34

Don’t apologise.

Op, this is no life for you, ask him to leave if he won’t talk to you. That’s the only way he’ll take you seriously as you haven’t ‘rocked the boat’ for so long. If he refuses to leave, you’ll have to, even if it’s temporary.

If you’re bitter now, imagine how you’ll feel after another few years.

Aintgotnosoapbox · 14/10/2017 08:39

It seems there have been communication problems for years. He can't see your perspective, and maybe you can't see his, you are miles apart.
He may have thought the 'time was right' and you would be happy, but it's a very immature adult who thinks a ten year relationship issue can be ignored and avoided, and then without mature discussion, just initiate sex without realising it may be unsuccessful and you may be angry.
It really is time for frank discussion. Say to him, I know you may feel hurt and upset, but we need to talk about last night properly if we can attempt to move on. The language you used was not respectful, but the meaning behind it was understandable.

Original poster

LilaNorcross · 14/10/2017 08:41

I kind-of love him ... I realise how pathetic that sounds. Definitely not as much as I used to, but there's still some love there.

Reading my posts back, I want to shake myself. I sound so wet and pathetic. Would you believe that I used to be a strong independent woman who used to live perfectly fine on her own and who has built a good career. What a loser.

OP posts:

NotAgainYoda · 14/10/2017 08:41

I don't see that he's gaslighting, from what you say. I see he can't/won't up to this point, discuss this is a serious way.

You have been left assuming that it's about your weight but you don't know that. No wonder you are frustrated.

I would say that this is one for Relate-or-finish-it.

JoJoSM2 · 14/10/2017 08:50

I can't believe you can't bring yourself to apologise- since when is using f-words ok?

You put all the blame on him for the sexless marriage. In reality, it takes two to tango.

Similarly to PP, I'm also surprised you're still together. However, by the sound of it, it should be easy enough to go back to living next to each other. Your reaction and language were out of order, the words came out of your mouth so hopefully you can bring yourself to say sorry.

If you were to try and make your relationship healthier, you'd need to get some therapy.

TheStoic · 14/10/2017 08:52

You put all the blame on him for the sexless marriage. In reality, it takes two to tango.

No, it really only takes one person to take sex off the menu.

HennyPennys · 14/10/2017 08:54

As everyone else has said it's the lack of communication that's the issue not lack of sex.

You are BOTH 'guilty'. You've ignored it, not got anywhere with talking about it, assumed it was your weight.....

maybe he has a low sex drive? You say no issues around ED but if he's not actually having erections with you in bed and trying to have sex, how do you know???

Something's not right and telling him to fuck off isn't going to solve it all.

You are 50% responsible for your relationship. Avoiding issues is as much about you and your issues as his.

Start putting this right by asking him to talk about it all, calmly, and with a bit of kindness.

Whocansay · 14/10/2017 08:54

He's with-held intimacy for years? That must be utterly soul destroying. In that situation I would probably respond in the same way. You must be incredibly lonely. What do you want to do?

Personally, I wouldn't apologise. He should explain himself. But I imagine he won't.

Zaphodsotherhead · 14/10/2017 08:54

Tbh, the relationship you have with your husband (comfortable quiet companionship, someone to sit and watch TV with, go on walks with) is the one I have with my dog.

I think you've both let this go on for too long. You either need to have a discussion (which he probably won't want and will shut down, because it would mean he would need to change) or you separate.

HennyPennys · 14/10/2017 08:55

No, it really only takes one person to take sex off the menu

But it takes an uncaring partner, maybe with their own issues, never to talk about it , brush it under the carpet, and be complicit in the arrangement by being passive.

Original poster

LilaNorcross · 14/10/2017 08:55

Sorry, maybe the gaslighting is another issue, apart from the sex. If I bring something up that's bothering me, he will deny that's the case and leave me wondering if it's me in the wrong or misinterpreting situations. For example, there was a stage a few years ago where I would come across my things and they'd been thrown on the floor or across the room. So when I asked him why he was throwing my things around, he completely denied he was doing it. He made me feel like I was going mad, because how could we talk about it if he pretended it wasn't him?

OP posts:

HennyPennys · 14/10/2017 08:56

I'm shocked at how so many posters want to blame the bloke.

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