He won't give back the children

[Witchofthenorth]

Hi all, this might be long so apologies but I don’t want to drip feed.

STBXH has contact with the children once a fortnight for a whole weekend. This time though he asked if he could have them for the week as it’s school holidays here, which was no problem. I don’t have issue with him seeing the kids whenever he likes, within reason due to school and things. We live 50 miles away from him and the kids schools are in a different local authority.

Anyway, last week, the kids were off and I was working for a few days. I left my very capable 14, nearly 15yr old son and 13 year old daughter in charge of their younger siblings who are 9 and 6.

The older two have been left alone before and have had some times where they have looked after the younger two prior to this. When I’ve had to go to the shops or doctors appointments and such. So this wasn’t something sprung on them but it was for longer than before.

They know what to do in an emergency, have neighbours they can go to and had my number if they needed. I would have came home immediately if I had to. I also left some chores for them, hoovering, load the dishwasher and my oldest had the grass to cut.

Last night STBXH called me and went mad down the phone, in front of my older two, who I have since found out are a bit shook up at how their father spoke to me, shouting the odds about how it was wrong of me to leave them, the older two should only be on their own for minutes, not hours and the younger two shouldn’t be looked after by their older siblings. I am a bad mother, the kids don’t have a life, they should be playing and that I was neglectful in leaving them and I should have them taken from me.

He has now said that the kids are staying with him next week and the week after (schools go back Monday) and I’m terrified he won’t bring them back. He said he is going to fight for custody and I am so scared. I want my children back. I was speaking to my oldest and he wants to come home but is scared to tell his father. I have told STBXH that the kids come back Friday as planned but I don’t think he is moving on his decision.

Need some hand holding please. I don’t think I was wrong in what I did but I am now doubting myself. My kids are good kids, sensible and level headed. I’ve been trying to teach the how to become functioning adults (the older two anyway) and in some respects I treat then as young adults, teaching them to cook, use an iron, use the washing machine etc. He doesn’t see any of this and wants them to be wrapped in cotton wool forever.

What the fuck am I going to do?

Tyoo

I don't think if it went to court, " Bollocks" would be a sure fire case winner 😗

Op has already stated the Ex may seek full time custody......

Advice like yours will do her potential case, the world of good.....

Not !!!!!

I am quite sure SS and the courts would take a much dimmer view of keeping children off school for a week compared to leaving teenagers in charge of their younger, but not that young, siblings for two days during the half term. One is much more likely to be viewed as neglectful than the other...

SS won't say shit about a 13 year
Old looking after a 6 year old for a few hours.

Jesus Christ do you all still wipe your tennagers bums aswell ?

Judgemental or what !

Serialcheat just because something bad happened to you doesn’t mean it will happen to the OP.* I agree that’s it’s bollocks to assume that the courts will go to town on a mum doing her best.*
I still thing it’s the ex trying to control the situation.**

Think!!

Seriel I was advising she say bollocks to your 'advice' not a solicitor in court.
As you were.

Hi all, thanks for all comments. To the poster who said I knew had done something wrong and am just trying to convince myself black was white....nothing can be further from the truth. I still am fully confident in my decision. This isn’t a regular occurrence and I have been preparing all my children for adult life and making sure that when they decide to move and live independently they are fully equipped to do so. This day of babysitting wasn’t sprung on them without prior teaching on how to be responsible. Many years of teaching responsibility in fact.

As an update, I have been speaking to both social work and a children’s reporter on the decision I made and both have stated that I have done nothing wrong. What I have done is left my capable 15 and 13 year old in charge of their younger siblings while I went to work. They had emergency contacts, I was in contact with them and they are very well versed in what to do.

As far as my son mowing the lawn? He has been mowing the lawn unsupervised for a year now, because I taught him how to use it and supervised him using it before letting him loose

The social worker has stated they wouldn’t see it as child abandonment. And the wouldn’t be doing any assessments on my parenting, although they are very welcome to do so.

I am in talks with a family lawyer and will be getting a residency order as quick as possible.

I think in these cases, it's the why you did something rather than what you did.
So, if you went to the pub for the day and left them at home, SS would be involved.
In your case, you went to work for the day, SS don't get too concerned.

A residency order is a very good idea OP. And not surprised at all that the social worker sees no issue with what you did because there is no issue, that's good parenting (teaching your children to be responsible and actually letting them be responsible at times to practice it)

There Isi a right/wrong in this matter. It's simple. Where there is no law relating to the age at which the child maybe left, then the parents judgment is the deciding factor. This mother made that decision based on her knowledge of her children. She has done nothing wrong in the eyes of the law.

Had something happened to one of the children that could have been anticipated when making this decision, she could be prosecuted for neglect. It didn't. There is no question to answer.

People are very judgemental about parents decisions in matters like these. It all depends on your situation. If you live in a two parent family, or are well off and do not need to work, have a nanny/au pair etc then you never have to make these decisions. Equally your children may not be mature enough to cope. If your children have been forced to take more adult responsibility at a young age then they are probably more than capabale of coping. There are young careers all over this country who are doing things aged 10 that the average 20 yr old wouldn't contemplate.

My own children have been left on their own with older siblings. They have all done their own washing from age 11. Could all cook a simple 'meat and two veg' supper aged 10. Because they had to. I was on my own a worked f/t. Youngest daughters best friend asked me how to make an instant coffee last weekend. - Not a problem - just different upbringing, she has never had the need to learn until now and has a mother who panders to her every need..

Get to court for an emergency residency hearing pronto. You van go direct to the court and make an application. Should be able to be heard today or next couple of you are lucky. Don't need a lawyer but if you've the money then they can do this all for you.

One more thing..... lawn mower ????? Really ??? Are we really wrapping our kids up in such huge wads of cotton wool,that they can no longer mow the lawn for fear of an accident ? Thank fuck I haven't bought my son up like that or we'd be living in a jungle .

Think some people are overreacting. I was babysitting at 13 and even did full night at the house one time for the parents when they had an evening out. It's not difficult and you were available to come back if there was a problem, they aren't morons, I'm sure they know how to use a phone by 14.

Get legal advice, but he hasn't really got much of an argument and I doubt he will go through with trying to get custody.

People going on about the OP being wrong to leave the children are completely missing the point.
If her ex thinks she was wrong to do it, the appropriate reaction would be to discuss it privately (not in front of the children) to say he wasn't comfortable with it and offer to take them more or help find childcare options for the school holidays.
His reaction is completely out of proportion and frankly worrying. If his priority was the children's well being, he would not be threatening to keep them off school. He is using them to bully and threaten the OP.

I'm saddened by the posters suggesting that the OP is wrong leaving her older kids to look after the younger ones for a few hours. I'd agree with the others upthread that it's good for the kids to have this responsibility, and great that OP's brought them up well enough to trust them to do this, and for them to understand that families depend on teamwork.

The OP's husband has, effectively, abducted the kids and placed them in a much worse situation. If he objected to her childcare decision he should have talked to her about it and resolved it - what he has done is completely unacceptable. So glad that the social workers see who is at fault here and are helping. Wishing the OP best of luck with the residency order and sorting this out.

where I live 90% of 14 years olds have scooters & are let loose at 30KPH, so the lawn mower horror film is simply a joke
At 16 you can get married & have your own children, not ideal clearly, but it happens
At 15 I babysat over night for 3 young kids until the parents (doctors) got home in the morning. I cooked them supper, got them to bed & found Valley of the Dolls on the bookshelf & read it most of the night
OP carry on as you are. your X is now saying he would have taken the day off, except had you asked him for help he would have refused, he is a Dick, hope you get it sorted asap

... and I wish my 15-year old would mow the lawn!

Hope you get somewhere with your lawyer.

My very sensible 15 year old picks my 6 year old up from school at 3.30 and looks after him until I get home at 4.30pm. I wouldn’t have thought twice about it so personally I don’t see an issue with that although I’m not sure that leaving them all day is quite such a good idea - however you know your kids best and I’m sure you wouldn’t leave them feeling vulnerable. I can’t see your ex’s partner being too thrilled with the prospect of 4 more kids in the house indefinitely, they will up their living costs enormously and it will be a huge extra responsibility for her.
Your ex sounds like a dick who is happy for everyone else to pick up his slack, even now it’s his partner not him who will be the main carer!
I don’t see that a judge will think it’s in the best interests of your children to be removed from your care to be looked after by a step mother just because you left them alone for two days - if anything this may force your ex into taking on more responsibility for childcare in the holidays.
Agree you should get legal advice ASAP.

Oh and my 15 year old mows the lawn on a regular basis! He makes a much better job of it than me. Honestly kids need to be given some responsibility and take part in the upkeep of the family home. Seems very sensible to me.

I used to babysit 2 toddlers for full days at a time at the age of 14

Unless the older two are irresponsible you are perfectly reasonable OP. As you say you know them best

And of course a 14yo is capable of cutting the grass

Some of the responses on this thread are making me But then I had the benefit of a 1970s childhood

For the posters who are weeping and wailing about the poor children who have to look after siblings or do chores, give your heads a bloody wobble. I will assume yours will be the child adults who still need mummy to hold their hands. I am probably a grumpy old git but I deal with graduate recruitment and some of these graduates can't even wipe their noses

OP you did nothing wrong, good luck with your residency order, I hope you get it quickly. You sound like a great mum.

Serialcheater see OP's post after a discussion with actual SS. I still think that your advice is laughable. HTH

Hope it's sorted soon OP 💐

As an aside my sister and I were both latchkey kids in the 80's. She was 11, I was 6 and she would look after me each day after school and through the holidays as we were growing up and my parents both had to work. This was not that abnormal then, although obviously it's not done now.

I went to university at 15 and had been doing paid babysitting work for 3-4 years by that point, including for children with special needs like Down Syndrome. No wonder children today enter the adult world with no sense of responsibility -- no one believes them capable of doing anything!

My 15yr old looks after his younger sibling, sometimes in the evening....clutch those pearls!!!

Exdh is jeopardising your 15yr olds GCSEs, the mocks start soon and they will be at a disadvantage.

Hope this works out for you soon

(Both my kids have to hoover, dust and sort the garden, 15yr old D's also does his own laundry sometimes, they are doing just fine and are unlikely to crumple without me when they are at university)