Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Meanwhile over on Gransnet....

150 replies

ChocolatePHD · 09/10/2017 19:40

While bored earlier I popped over to gransnet to see what that's all about. Stumbled across the forums and noticed that a lot of the threads are about being estranged from their dc and slagging off the 'evil' children/ in laws who are keeping them from their grandchildren, and how heartbroken they are etc.

I found that v interesting considering how we here often discuss the other side of that- those of us who can't cope with our parents any longer or struggle with them, and either go NC or LC. And that never happens without good reason- it takes a lot for someone to get to that point in my experience.

It was kind of jarring but also interesting to read the gransnet side of things- but also frustrating as someone whose mother thinks of herself as a butter wouldn't melt type, but has actually caused a lot of damage.

Has anyone else read it/ had any thoughts on this?

OP posts:
user1492970817 · 13/10/2017 20:52

Believe me I am of a similar age to the ladies on that particular topic,and although some of the EP's stories are very sad,there are a few you go on about moving on and healing from their estrangements. But they do not,they dredge it up day after day and very unwisely do not seem to take on board any of those EC could look what is said about them. They don't seem to get it into their heads it's an open forum for all to see. I have seen people offering advice,well god help them because they don't want it,they want to wallow in their poor me. And of course it is always the daughter/son in law/son/daughter in law to blame for the estrangement, never for once do they look inwards.One in particular constantly repeats how much money she has given to her ED,paid for the wedding,through university,deposit on house.Well is that not what parents do if they have the means. I have seen people accused of being nasty,troublemaker if you dare to post any comment that may suggest their could be fault on their side. I know quite a lot of inside information about one particular bitter poster,and what she posts is lie after lie.

Bachingupthewrongtree · 13/10/2017 22:25

user, I am not sure all parents do pay for weddings, university, house deposit etc. I am sure many do, but for most people that is going to involve a level of sacrifice, but they do it because they love their children and want to help them. It doesn't mean that they are entitled to be abusive towards their children of course or that the children owe them anything as such.

I don't know anything about this poster so can't comment on an individual case, but I can see that if a parent has worked hard and made sacrifices for their children, they might be upset that it is not appreciated.

You cannot measure relationships in money or buy love, but it is also easy to be dismissive of what might have been a considerable personal sacrifice to provide for someone, either financially or in terms of time, the biggest of all gifts.

I agree that in most - but obviously not all - cases, there will be 'fault' or misunderstanding on both sides.

DioneTheDiabolist · 13/10/2017 22:36

I think AC=Adult Children.

BlueWillows · 14/10/2017 01:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FuckShitJackFairy · 14/10/2017 07:18

Asas what's HW?

Dione if you went nc ofcourse she wouldn't contact about the birth of her child. That's the point of nc.

Does anyone have a link to the blog about egc with the photos? I feel concerned that's just the type of thing our emil would do to our dc, she never has had any regard for their privacy.

The blog link earlier is helpful and the gn thread is scary, but narcs are scary. Out of the fog used to be a great help woth this but it's a while since i visited. Alice Miller's books are also freeing.

stitchglitched · 14/10/2017 07:30

I think HW is Harvey Weinstein.

FuckShitJackFairy · 14/10/2017 07:37

Ok ty. I guess that says alot about them.

I'm pmsl & horrified & disgusted about some of the comments on the gn threads. One on the one linked claiming grandmothers go through the same hormone changes as new mums & one on another gn thread claiming she views the dil as a vessel through which her gc get here! & they 'wounder' why they are cut out. There's also lots of accusations of cowardice and not taking responsibility on the ec part, but no recognition that as parents now we must take steps to protect our dc.

Pp on this thread got it spot on. If dc were the narc abusers then they wouldn't be staying away.

DioneTheDiabolist · 14/10/2017 13:13

??? FuckShitJackFairy Confused

FuckShitJackFairy · 14/10/2017 13:23

If you choose to go nc then you can't expect them to contact you.

wictional · 14/10/2017 14:33

Wow! There is another poster too who has a very public blog about being estranged from her grandkids complete with photos of them which makes me feel a bit uncomfortable.

I just saw this too whilst being nosy and it’s both sad and scary Confused

DioneTheDiabolist · 14/10/2017 14:39

I think you must have mixed me up with another poster FuckShitJackFairy.Confused

FuckShitJackFairy · 14/10/2017 18:37

Apolgies. I chevked back & it was blue that was complaining of that!

FaFoutis · 14/10/2017 18:51

I can't imagine anything that would make me go NC with my children, including the ones on this thread.

My Dh's parents are NC with him, because he said that the time they wanted to visit was inconvenient. No doubt they have justified it to themselves (and others, maybe even on GN), but what a nasty and pathetic way to live your life.

SeaEagleFeather · 14/10/2017 20:14

BlueWillows Mumsnet is filled with younger people having trouble with older people but I've always been aware that there must be just as many problems the other way around. Some people get more set in their ways as they get older, and influence over your children has to be hard to give up; but there are just as many difficult younger people as older people and it must hurt beyond anything when you lose a daughter and grandchild like this - still alive but out of reach.

It's a lovely idea to keep the cabinet full of cards, letters and small gifts to your other grandchild. I think the letters in particular would mean a very great deal to them, when they are grown up. Are you sure your daughter would pass them on? If not, it might be an idea to give them to your grandchild's uncle or aunt instead.

MrsBertBibby · 14/10/2017 20:23

And a lovely blast from beyond the grave to sabotage your daughter's relationship with her child, to pass the misery along another generation.

That's vile. Either risk a relationship with your grandchild now, or leave well alone. You've no right to impose years' worth of sentimental cards on a child you chose never even to meet.

ellieoops56 · 14/10/2017 21:11

Mrs BertBibby

WOW was that necessary

Original poster
ChocolatePHD · 14/10/2017 21:37

Often those who go NC with parents do so because having children triggers unpleasant and frightening memories from their own childhood and can cause them to radically re-evaluate their relationship.

This with bells on. ^

Look, of course it's true that you get both abusive younger and older abusive people. However, with regards the two sides to every story line, personally I think that's irrelevant when emotional, physical or sexual abuse is involved. The abusers side is irrelevant.

Or even if it doesn't quite reach the levels of 'abuse'- if the relationship with someone makes you feel shitty then that relationship is doomed.

Look, I'm nearly 40 and the relationship with my mother has given me emotional hell for most of that time. So much of my life wasted crying over it, self harming, planning to commit suicide, seeing endless counsellors.... and a year ago I hit a wall and couldn't take any more. I wrote to her and told her why I was needing space and in a reply letter from her despite saying she was sorry for a few things most of it was excusing herself from blame and trying to get sympathy from me. But whatever way I slice it, no matter how I look at it, she made her choice, she stood and watched my stepfather be violent and cruel and nasty to me for years and sided with him. And it fucked my life up.

So this 'two sides to every story' thing doesn't sit right with me. It takes A LOT for someone to get to the point of going NC. The agony over it is immense. If it happens it's because the person who chose to do it couldn't take any more.

OP posts:
MrsBertBibby · 14/10/2017 22:00

Well, yes. Put yourself in that child's shoes. How would it be good for her go get 18 years worth of tender missives from a man who, by her own admission, took a decision not to know her, but arranged for all that to be dumped on the kid once the man was dead and beyond reach.

Seriously, that's not a child -centred approach, that is all about spite.

MrsBertBibby · 14/10/2017 22:07

Stupid phone, from a nan, not a man!

SeaEagleFeather · 14/10/2017 22:13

Chocolate absolutely there are two sides.

No one, no one with any experience of rotten parents or siblings or even children would disagree. I'm VLC with my father and NC with a damaged and damaging sibling myself and trying to stay in contact has caused me so much hurt over the years.

Even so - there are sometimes other sides to a story. Someone I know is NC with her mother now after a previously warm relationship. She had a stroke and her personality as well as her physical abilities were badly affected. The NC has come about directly because of the way the stroke affected her :( She goes on estranged adult children's forums, believing what she's writing and gets a lot of support ... but people there don't know the full situation.

Sometimes you just don't know what's going on when you read a thread.

SeaEagleFeather · 14/10/2017 22:28

Sorry, when I said "absolutely there are two sides" it reads harshly.

No way am meaning to deny your experience and how hard it can be to believe your -own- story sometimes when other people deny what's happened or minimize it.

Agreed that going NC can be the end of a long and hard road. I'm sorry for the pain your mother put you through and the legacy of hurt that has to be lived with every day Flowers

Original poster
ChocolatePHD · 14/10/2017 22:34

I appreciate the apology, I was quite taken aback when I read the opener to your post.

I think a (very tragic, don't get me wrong) stroke causing behaviour change and therefore going NC is a pretty unusual situation, I wouldn't see that as the norm for these things and an argument for there always being two sides.

I think I'm going to duck out of this thread, this is all too raw and hard for me to be debating over.

OP posts:
holidayqueriwifi · 14/10/2017 22:45

Mrs Bert. You are spot on, its a rotten and nasty legacy.

SeaEagleFeather · 14/10/2017 22:59

I should have proof read it much better, I -meant- to say 'absolutely there can be good reason to go NC"

total brainfart sorry

FaFoutis · 14/10/2017 23:20

I agree with Bert too.