Daughter doesn't want children.

[vuscal]

This isn't me bashing anyone who doesn't want children. It's absolutely an individual choice. However, I think you'd be lying if you didn't think your child was going to have children. I always imagined I'd be a grandmother. She is our only child.

She's great and has said "she doesn't want children yet" and so I know that doesn't mean at all but she is 35 and single. Currently has lots of rescue rodents and devotes all her time to them.

I suppose I feel quite sad about this. That's normal right?

With Skype, FaceTime and postal service being a grandparent from afar can still be hugely rewarding.

I feel sad that none of my siblings or I have kids as my mum adores children, especially little ones. But they're off around the world on various trips for last few years now, and cousin stays with their kids quite a bit, so my parents are getting time with small people without any need for supporting grandkids in any way; plus they've a couple of grandpuppies that also stay over at times, so think it's working out ok. Still have that small guilt / sorrow though as no kids in the family now

Nobody should have children that doesn't really want them. It's not fair on anyone and it's knackering. It's nobody else's business if people choose or can't have children. It's nobody else's place to make comments about how they 'must want children really' or they'll 'change their minds'.

However, it is equally true that we can't dictate how other people should see their own futures or the experiences they might wish to have. Many people do want to be grandparents one day or climb a mountain or be a competitive eater or collect beenie babies professionally. Whatever floats your boat. For many of us, a door closing on a possibility brings sadness whether justified to others or not.

I am two of the issues from this thread! I had my one child, only GC, very late after decades of saying, 'no kids' and we live 5000 miles from my mum. My DBro won't have children.

I would say that my Mum wasn't bothered either way and my Dad hid his feelings so well that I was amazed when DD arrived and he was over the moon to have a GC. He never gave me a glimpse but DD is the light of his life.

Which is what I would suggest. No hints, sighs, sadness or signs that you aren't totally happy. If it happens, great. But if not, she won't feel sad for you.

I have 3 dds, two of whom have severe learning disabilities, and will never have children. My youngest, who is 'normal' does not want to have any children. She is in her early 30s and that is her choice.
She might change her mind, who knows?

My experience of having babies is such that I will not mind if I'm never a grandmother. If you've none to laugh about, then you've none to cry about. (My mother said that)

If I do eventually become a grandmother, then I'll be thrilled, of course. I don't think I'll spend my life being sad about it though, if it doesn't happen.

Perhaps having daughters with LD makes my outlook and expectations different to most.

Our only child really wants to be a father, he wants a family, but has yet to date a girl who wants to become a mother. He’s 29. Of all the people both my husband and I knew in our age group only one couple didn’t want children, now it seems to be common. What’s going on?

Charolais - having just had my first child at 38, I think I can give some thoughts about why people might not want them - I hesitated over the kind of world I would be bringing a child into, with climate change and bonkers politics being very worrying - additionally and probably more pertinently (at least for me) children are expensive and it's been hard enough working on financial security for myself and DH, let alone a child; as it is we both still only rent and I'm not sure we'll ever be able to scrounge up enough savings to afford to buy a house. I'd hoped to be able to give a child as secure a start as I could but at the age I am I didn't really have the choice of waiting much longer; as it was it still took nearly a year of trying before we were lucky enough to conceive. I think finances (or lack of them) probably give a lot of people pause when thinking about starting a family these days.

I think it's because women have realised that parenthood royally screws them over in a way it doesn't screw over men so they're opting out. Plus maybe we've finally evolved enough to realise that putting so much weight on what is basically just a biological impulse to replicate our genes is a bit crazy.

However, I think you'd be lying if you didn't think your child was going to have children

My DD says she doesn't want children. Fine by me. Same if DS grows up to say the same.

I have no desire to be a grandmother.

I can imagine the heartbreak of yearning for a child of your own and being unable to have one. If this happened to my offspring I would be sad for them.

Otherwise-

It's controlling and a bit creepy to be so invested in whether your offspring has babies.

Why would you be so invested?

For your own maternal needs? Because you want to play granny?

Is it because motherhood was so important to you that you can't envisage a life without children?
Would you be devastated if you child didn't enjoy baking, or rock climbing, because they were such a big part of your life? Devastated if they didn't choose to be a christian or vote Tory because you did? Sad because they didn't become a teacher like you?

Is being a happy fulfilled individual not enough? You want them to follow a path that you think they should, you want to live vicariously or you want children around as playthings?

Why can you not simply be happy because your offspring are happy?
Why is that not enough?
Why is it so important for them to reproduce?

From a slightly different slant - in a 'previous' life I was a genetic biologist. From an early age I was fascinated by the origin of species, genetics inheritance and had a fossil collection. When I had difficulty having children of my own (tried for 7 years). I felt the additional sadness that my genes wouldn't contribute directly to future versions of humans. I eventually mysteriously conceived naturally between IVF cycles. My DC is still little and I have no future expectations for her to be or do anything reproductive wise (or as a life choice) just to suit me. However I would be secretly (and quietly) sad if our genes didn't carry on flowing forward "like a river in time". I think feeling sad is understandable OP. Just try not to make her feel self conscious about her decision. (NB I had my child for all the normal reasons too not just as a vehicle for DH's and my DNA).

Frankly, as a girl, it is quite difficult to listen to "OMG DO NOT PREGNANT IT WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE FOREVER AND EVER AND I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU" at the age of 13-21 and then the second you hit your mid-twenties you're supposed to start seeing it as a beautiful life-affirming thing that will bring all this joy to your family.

I didn't decide I wanted children until this year. I'm 33. It might not happen but I have a good few years yet to try.

Having children is not for everyone. I don't particularly fancy it myself.

The important thing is to deal with your feelings so that they don't end up interfering with your relationship with your daughter.

If your friends are "too busy with their grandchildren" to spend time with you, maybe find some additional friends who want to do things that you want to do.

My mum a actually admitted that if she had her time again she wouldn't have kids! I only have the one and knew instantly I'd never have another.
I love my dd but as a single parent I've found my life has kind of been put on hold for the last decade.
The way things are now with the world I can see why so many opt out of having kids and it's women that put themselves in the most vulnerable position having kids.

She won't have them to stay, get them presents, be remotely accommodating of them. Whilst berating me for not having "true" grandkids. If you think that's acceptable, fair do's. I couldn't give a shit about what she says about me. But I feel for those poor kids, and yes I do think her treatment of them is horrendous

How she treats them is one thing, and up to you to judge, I wouldn't know. But saying you don't have grandkids when you actually don't have grandkids is perfectly fine. It's normal.

I think that if a person decides to consider their stepchildren to be "theirs", and treat them as they would their biological children, then all the extended family should go along with that decision.

If an aunt or grandparent says "but you're not really my family" they are undermining the step-parent's decision to say "we are family".

(and depending on the age, the decision of the child as well)

I tend to find that those people who chose or choose not to have children have given it far more thought than those who decide to have them.

A friend of my mum is child free and an only child. Her mum berates her for choosing not to have children. I always find it incredibly selfish that her mother chose (she definitely did choose) to only have one child and then 'expect' grandchildren. It hasn't helped their relationship in the slightest.

I totally understand your feelings. I am a mother of two teenagers and probably wrongly I've always looked forward to having grandchildren as I love small children. Of course, I love my children and will always want them to be happy. But I know inside I'd be a little disappointed - but not in them.

I think that if a person decides to consider their stepchildren to be "theirs", and treat them as they would their biological children, then all the extended family should go along with that decision

Yes but the woman mentioned does not consider their stepchildren to be theirs, so the stepchildrens children are not their grandchildren. When you gain stepchildren who are adults its perfectly natural to not see them as blood relatives.

When you gain stepchildren who are adults its perfectly natural to not see them as blood relatives

That's fair.

I understand your sadness - there is no logic to it and knowing that the world is less than perfect does not help to rationalise it. It is just a basic nurturing instinct to perpetuate the species.

Volunteer in a nursery, pre-school?

Shatners that is just so sad.......

Thanks Chottie

What’s going on?

In the western world? Home ownership is now too expensive to afford children. Once upon a time it was just 7X one average persons yearly income to buy a family size home close enough to work.

Its now moved beyond requiring two incomes to a realisation that two incomes + children and childcare while both parents work to pay off a mortgage to live in either a tiny shit-box close to jobs or commute four+ hours to work is simply unworkable.

The western world is stuck in wage and middle class financial stagnation. A lot of the worlds most profitable cities are now places only the most wealthy can breed in without destroying their quality of life in the process.

On top of that millennials are more aware of global climate change and eco-system collapse plus they no longer consider becoming parents as something necessary for self fulfilment.