Daughter doesn't want children.

[vuscal]

This isn't me bashing anyone who doesn't want children. It's absolutely an individual choice. However, I think you'd be lying if you didn't think your child was going to have children. I always imagined I'd be a grandmother. She is our only child.

She's great and has said "she doesn't want children yet" and so I know that doesn't mean at all but she is 35 and single. Currently has lots of rescue rodents and devotes all her time to them.

I suppose I feel quite sad about this. That's normal right?

[tccat]

Thank you Maryz, I'd also like to to point out that my dismay at his decision is nothing to do with not being a grandmother, I have five other children so will more than likely experience that at some point
My issue is the fact that he was allowed to make a life changing decision like that whilst very clearly not having the capacity to do so , I worry that if he gets "better" he will regret the decision

[expatinscotland]

tccat, maybe he feels he doesn't want to risk having a child in case he gets sick again, or passing on a possibly heritable condition. I went out with a man who had a vasectomy for this reason. He had bipolar disorder flowing like a river through his family, his mother had it, aunts, uncles, etc. He did not want to procreate for this reason.

[GiantSteps]

maybe he feels he doesn't want to risk having a child in case he gets sick again, or passing on a possibly heritable condition

That's what I wondered about.

And if so, your DS should be applauded for making a difficult decision- he's been responsible and brave.

[CountFosco]

Your daughter is not in a long term relationship and has not been in one for a long time. Maybe she would love to have kids but hasn't met the right person? Maybe she won't want to have kids unless she meets someone she thinks will be a good co parent? Frankly if I was single and people kept asking me if I was going to have kids I'd have been a lot blunter than your daughter. How exactly is she suppose to get pregnant? Do you want her to choose to be a single parent with the potential financial hardship associated with that? It may well be sad for you to not have grandchildren but it's a lot sadder for her that she's single and gets asked this question all the time.

[WokenupinaNightmare]

I've posted about this before. I have to address anyone who is in the "seriously heartbroken" camp here to think carefully about their interactions with their childless DC. This is my MIL and I have had to cut her out of my life for her obsession and distress at us not having DC.

Although she has other GC, she was practically living in my uterus, waiting for the last of her DC to breed. Trying to rush our wedding through, offering me £10,000 to start a family when there was no pregnancy announcement after THREE MONTHS, weeping and hand wringing over my multiple MC's and then refusing to look me in the eye or sit anywhere near me when she rocked up unexpectedly.

It turned out that as we were private people and hadn't involved them in our ttc journey, she thought I was stringing my DH along. I was 'making excuses' about my life (she knew that by then I'd been diagnosed with a severe auto-immune issue) and had "taken up running because that's how you get rid of babies"

We were devastated when we realised we would not be able to have a family, but when she discovered this, she became obsessed about DH's sperm, offered to pay to have it frozen, sent him a sperm donation article and pressurised him in that direction. We are still childless and her actions have made him feel like he has failed in his life by not breeding. How dare she make him feel like that

I know my MIL example is extreme, but please be kind. Your DC may be trying ttc and feeling pain anyway. We have had to endure a long painful fertility struggle and fight against multiple unexpected life challenges. Bringing her visible distress and upset into this, did not give us the support we needed or help family relations.

[Mittens1969]

Fwiw, I don’t think the OP is pressurising her DD to have children. She’s just expressing her sadness that she hasn’t got any DGC on an anonymous forum, and she can’t really help how she feels. She has friends who has DGC and is feeling envious, which again I understand.

My DSis and I have both had children late in life (adopted in my case as I’m infertile), she didn’t have DGCs until she was in her late 60s.

And if not, there are other ways of enjoying being around young children. Like fostering, as has been suggested. There is always a shortage of foster carers. Or you could help out at a playgroup? Or help with the rodents that your DD rescues?

PPs are right that you shouldn’t allow your DD to feel pressured by your desire for DGC, but I do understand your disappointment.

[HouseholdWords]

Fwiw, I don’t think the OP is pressurising her DD to have children. She’s just expressing her sadness that she hasn’t got any DGC on an anonymous forum, and she can’t really help how she feels. She has friends who has DGC and is feeling envious, which again I understand

FWIW I've been that DD, and we do know. You can't hide it completely from your DC that you are sad that we haven't produced your GC.

[speakout]

FWIW I've been that DD, and we do know. You can't hide it completely from your DC that you are sad that we haven't produced your GC.

I absolutely agree.
You can't hide feelings like that from close family members.

It's naiive to think so.

[Mittens1969]

That’s why it’s important that the OP can express how she feels, on here or to a trusted friend, and then make peace with it. Hopefully with a plan for the future.

All I mean is, try not to make her feel like an awful person for feeling the way she does.

[expatinscotland]

I'm on the fence about that, Maryz, this guy had had his vasectomy when he was about the age of ttcat's son and no regrets 10 years later when I met him. He truly felt he had a duty not to procreate and potentially affect a child with his condition, as he said, 'I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, much less my own child.' His mother's mental health had affected his upbringing so he also did want to risk parenting a child when he may become quite ill at times. I actually found his decision mature and unselfish.

[HelenaDove]

"I wonder would a 24 year old woman with no children be approved for a sterilisation."

I can tell you that. No she wouldnt. That was me 20 years ago.

There is an undercurrent of misogyny in this...............i think there is still the outdated sexist notion in the back of many minds that women should be punished for having sex.

[existentialmoment]

FWIW I've been that DD, and we do know. You can't hide it completely from your DC that you are sad that we haven't produced your GC

Are you saying people aren't allowed to have their own feelings? She can be sad if that's how she feels. It's not ok to tell her that her feelings are unacceptable.

[ShatnersWig]

existential Where did the poster who used that phrase you highlighted say people aren't allowed to have their own feelings or say someone's feelings are unacceptable?

Answer: she didn't. Don't be so ridiculous.

[existentialmoment]

She implied it. Otherwise what is the point of saying it?

Try reading subtext, it helps one be less ridiculous. And rude.

[ShatnersWig]

She was simply stating that hiding the feelings can't be hidden completely. Nothing more, nothing less. It does not for one minute suggest that someone's feelings are unacceptable. You're either projecting or reading something into a phrase that was not meant.

[Fernanie]

FWIW I've been that DD, and we do know. You can't hide it completely from your DC that you are sad that we haven't produced your GC.

I've been that DD too. Newsflash - our parents are human beings who experience the dreams and disappointments in the same way that anyone else does. I knew my mum was a bit sad that I didn't have children earlier in my marriage, but I didn't resent her feeling that way at all. Mostly because she never nagged me about it or asked any prying questions - in fact she barely mentioned it at all. I only knew she felt that way because a couple of times she slipped up and said something before quickly catching and correcting herself, and because I would see how she lit up when she interacted with other people's young children.
She respected my and DH's right to make the decisions that were right for us and had zero expectation that we were somehow obliged to fulfil her dreams of grandchildren - but that didn't mean she didn't have those dreams.
Our parents are allowed to feel whatever they feel, as long as they don't express it in a disrespectful or manipulative way, the same as any other adult.
To answer your question, @vuscal, yes, I think it's normal. for you.

[Fleshy]

Childfree people put way more thought into our choice than parents do and we are passionate and often angry about having to justify it because society fetishises motherhood and child worship so much, women are led to believe from before they're even born, that women are for breeding, that's it, and if you don't do what everyone else is, you're a deviant freak and will get the same comments over and over again.
It's different when it's your own
People like you should have a kid though
Don't you want a family
You'll never know real love
But why
You're depriving your husband
It's what we were put on the earth for
Don't you want to pass on your genes
Don't you want to see what you own kid would look like
Oh so you hate babies then
What's wrong with you

(We already have 'a family', breeding your own kid is not starting a family)
For anyone obsessed with being around kids and nosying into your kids sex life, foster one of the hundreds of thousands of kids who already exist that no one wants. Become a registered childminder. Whatever. Unless you're only bothered about a kid that would share your DNA.

[Mittens1969]

@Fleshy, that’s what I don’t get with people who choose to be ‘child free’ (what’s wrong with the word ‘childless’ fgs, it just means you don’t have children, no one’s business but yours why that is. Just don’t rise to it, you don’t need to justify yourself.

I adopted so I didn’t breed, but why mention that since you didn’t even do that. Why are you so flipping defensive? I know people say silly things, I have to cope with that when people ask questions about the birth parents, and say things like ‘you’re giving your children such a wonderful life’, ‘they’re so lucky you adopted them’. People say silly things.

Previously, when I was going through IVF, one lady asked me, ‘Are you (and your DH) using a donor egg or donor sperm?’ And my SIL going on about ‘spare embryos’ and that we were wrong to be doing IVF.

Just get over it. If it bothers you so much, why are you on mumsnet where you’re bound to be joining in discussions like this?

[Mittens1969]

Posted too soon. Sorry for ranting. I just don’t get why it always descends into an argument. And it’s mostly the ‘child free’ people who get defensive. If you’re happy with your decision just get on with your life, enjoy the benefits of having no kids.

I envy you in a way. It would be easier to be happily child free than to suffer the agony of infertility. I wouldn’t have gone through adoption though, and wouldn’t have had the privilege of adopting my 2 DDs.

[ShatnersWig]

mittens People who choose not to have children tend to refer to themselves - or are referred to by others - as childfree to distinguish from childless who are those who want/wanted children but can't.

We're defensive because we get an unbelievable amount of shit from people over our choice. Hence the posting immediately above yours

[HelenaDove]

Because childless is usually taken to mean that you wanted kids but couldnt have them so there has to be a distinction between the two so thats why childfree is used as a term.

A bit like carer and care worker This distinction has to be used to differrentiate between a PAID care worker and a family carer who looks after an ill relative or spouse Its simply to save confusion.

[Mittens1969]

Ok, I accept that, but I still maintain that there’s no point in reacting to what people say. I don’t really get why you like mumsnet when you’re obviously going to find yourself having to defend your decision? Genuinely curious about that?

I’ve had to learn to take a lot of daft comments on the chin, people ask ridiculous questions about adoption sometimes.