Boyfriend too set in his ways

[Lydia777]

I have been going out with a really lovely guy for six months now. He is a truly lovely boyfriend and treats me incredibly well. He is ten years older than me(30/40).

I have always been a really independent person who loves to travel. I have been happily single for a long time.

When I met him, I fell hard for him, and am so in love with him-a first for me. I have never felt so strongly about anyone before.

He works in my home city, York, but is from another town, 4 hours drive away. Although living here years before I met him, he never liked living here and was constantly going home every weekend. His life was completely at home-he just worked and slept here. Due to his work, he kept living here as it would be so difficult for him to get a job in his home town/area. So really, moving home has never been an option for him. Where I live is really lively and beautiful-he just preferred to go back home constantly.

When we met and fell quickly in love, it was clear that I had made him much happier-he said I changed his life. In so many ways things are going so well-from the beginning, he talked about a future for us living here together, marriage etc. He talked about how he would obviously go home less and build a life together here- he said he would maybe go home once a month.

At the beginning, I was not used to being in a relationship and very independent so was happy for us not to live in each other's pockets and do lots of things independently-when we were together, things were so fantastic. He went home a lot still for different reasons, and was always eager for me to go with him, which I did several times.

Lately though, things have got more strained. He started going home every two weeks but now sometimes goes home almost every weekend as there is always something on that he has to go to at home. He is incredibly close to his family and it is obvious how happy he is when he is there. I have never known anyone who loves his home city so much. He knows I am not happy with him going so much but we haven't yet had a big argument about it.

I am usually a very laid back person, so never wanted to make a big deal of it, and as I said, I do like doing my own thing too. I did make it clear that if we were going to be living together etc in future, he couldn't be constantly running home, which he agreed with. I also feel that if he stays, he is only doing it out of duty and for me, that would ruin the joy of spending weekends together. Even when talking about romantic weekends away, he talks about hotels in close proximity to his home city!

But it's started to make me resentful when he is gone away, and I feel really teary so often now which is not me at all, and I can't stop thinking about it. I know that he would like for us to move in together at some stage soon but I am now hesitant.

I am worried that he will never settle and actually be happy living here, even though I know he loves me. Part of me thinks he is just too set in his ways now and will never change, despite the things he said at the start. During a conversation lately, it came out that his ex-girlfriend had problems with him going home so much. He said she had told him to choose between her or his family. Reading between the lines, my guess is that she wasn't meaning to be that extreme, she was probably just feeling as I do now but its made it clear its something he is quite defensive about.

I am wondering if I should just end things now even though it would absolutely break my heart, as I am so sure he is the love of my life. Lately, I am just feeling so sad and in bad form and I was always such a happy go lucky person. I had decided that I will give it a bit more time, as pushing it would make him resentful and I would detest coming across as needy which I really don't think I am.

He is such a wonderful guy who treats me with such love and respect, and would do anything for me...except spend weekends with me. Has he just been alone so long, he can't or won't change?

I would really love some advice on how to deal with things. I think its pretty early on in the relationship for an ultimatum and its never been my personality to 'lay down the law'. I do make it clear I have a good time at weekends, going on girl's nights etc. as I do not want to be the kind of girl that pines for him all the time he is gone and just waits around for him. But so unsure what to do to change things.

I'll reiterate. I don't think there's anything 'wrong' with him, other than that he's living in the wrong town. And dating the 'wrong' woman. Wrong in the sense of geography, not wrong in the sense of a fault in OP.

I just got back from 8 days in my hometown (sans DH). I spent them in my childhood home (a cousin owns it now). I would move back in a heartbeat. It's a lovely little town filled with memories and loved ones. I moved away to marry as my job was transferable and DH's wasn't. But my roots will always be in my hometown and there will always be a part of me that yearns for it. I'd probably visit more often, but it's a 7 hour drive.

OP's BF's 'flaw' is that he doesn't realize that he's going to need to find someone either living in the town or someone who really wants to live there. And OP needs to realize that no amount of talk is going to change him. Even should he manage to wean himself away from the 'every weekend' there, he's going to want to spend all holidays there and, chances are, retire there. There's nothing wrong with that. The bottom line is that he and the OP are what we used to call 'geographically undesirable'. Even though they 'reside' in the same town, he actually 'lives' elsewhere. The best thing the OP can do is call this to his attention, tell him that it's ok to love where he loves, and tell him they need to call it a day as she will never want to make a life there. Because that is what he envisions, you know. He 'gives' now, but that OP will eventually see how wonderful his hometown is and be happy to visit/want to live there as much as he does.

He doesn't need to change what (or where) he loves for OP. Nor does OP need to change what she loves for him. I was lucky in that when I made the decision to move 'for love' the move was to a similar type of town where I already knew a few people. But there are places here (US) that would have been an absolute deal breaker for me, had DH lived in them.

Oddly enough, although I move to DH's hometown we actually ended up putting down roots and raising our family somewhere in between due to DH's career moves.

I miss living in York so much! I loved my time there!
What I struggle with is that you knew the score from the start but expected him to change. Going into a relationship with anyone expecting them to change for you is going to end miserably for at least one of you.
He would be better off with someone ho lives in his hometown by the sound of it as they could spend weekends together.
Just to reassure you, I don't think there is such a thing as "the love of your life". You'll feel this way and possibly even stronger about someone else who does want the same things as you.

To be fair, he was all "Oh, now I've met you I'll go 'home' less". Then he didn't.

Op sorry to say but he sounds extremely weird to the point of something is wrong with him. You are having a conversation with a 40 year old man about his childhood bed and how comfy it is that hes desperate to go home for it . Come on, at this point you should realise how ridiculous this has become.
One thing i can assure you is that you will have a miserable future with him if you make him leave his precious home, he will make sure you know he resents you.

how tonight goes will tell you a lot. if he feels resentful he's come home early to see you it'll show. i'm afraid asking him to make a choice between his home town / family and you isn't a choice he can make. it's a lose / lose situation. he stays with you he resents you. he goes home you resent him.

you sound like such a lovely, balanced person. go and find someone who is happy to spend every weekend with you. go and live your life to the full. don't waste your weekends wondering whether he's going to come home on the saturday or sunday or will he be home next weekend...

one final thought: you say he makes such an effort when he sees you. this is easy because he's only making the effort a couple of nights a week. you only really know someone when you see them all the time and life's boringness gets to work. right now you're getting the good bits. i wonder what the picture would be like if you saw him a lot more?

Got to 2 of the 6 pages and it was all about you OP and York. I don't have the time to continue reading more of the same. Maybe there is some balance to the rest of the thread and maybe you have thought about doing the moving. Not that you have to move, but would be nice to hear you have thought about it.

The boyfriend has to live in York because of his job. So that would be epically pointless.

I agree with pp that there’s no “fault” here, just a mismatch.

Boyfriend doesn’t really want to be in York and given the choice would primarily base

A lot of people (male and female) do emotionally, socially, and culturally operate like this, with family and school friends as the “base” and everything else, including new partners, expected to fit into this.

It’s my idea of hell (I think I fit the standard graduate “start building a new adult life when you leave home” mindset) but it does suit some people to a T?

Eg I dated a guy from a farming family, and it was natural for him to go there to “help out” as much as possible

although he paid lip service to my city girl ways and expressed emotional commitment to me, he clearly WANTED to be on the farm and find a woman who loved tagging along with him and getting stuck into farm life (and giving a shit about farm and village social politics )

I didn’t and wouldn’t now be interested (and have my own social rhythms) so we stopped dating.

OTOH some women would enjoy the challenge of getting involved in their mans family and have a “ready made community” to slide into.

So I think it’s just basic incompability here.

How did it go OP?

There certainly is fault here. OP is dating a manchild.

I think it’s best to end things to. You will always be second best in this mans life unfortunately

He is telling you all the time that he won't give up these weekend trips, more to the point he has. If mummy issues.

The honeymoon period is over and you are starting to see he's not marriage material so end it. Don't waste your fertile years with someone who wants a Mon-Thurs girlfriend. He hasn't bothered building a social life there in a decade!!

Op, your BF has shown you who he is, you either accept it or move on. He is 40, so it's doubtful he will change now.

FWIW he obviously has "issues". It is incredibly tiring returning home for the weekend. I did it for a few months many years ago (including the 4 hour drive). Friday is work then travel, Sunday is preparing and then travel. So you end up with a constricted 1 1\2 day weekend. Then straight back to work. It's really exhausting.

There is usually a push/pull factor in decision making. York isn't that bad that it's pushing him out at the weekends. Even less so now as he has a new romance. lets face it the first 6 months should be a shag fest So what factor is "pulling" him home. BTW, after 10 years home should be York. So what factor is pulling him back home?........ Mummy

He seems to have made no attempt to make York home. Ironically sport is a great way to accelerate integration. Most sports clubs have a social side etc. I am sorry but any bloke who says he prefers his bed at home and cannot recreate better for his primary living location has issues. For me he has two world's, York an home. You are his York GF, you are probably welcome to join his home world. But he won't join yours and stay in York. He can't overcome the "pull".

I have met so many people in life who won't move. Usually it is the woman, but it can be men too. And, indeed, why should they? I think it's up to the girlfriend/boyfriend to read the signs and realise that they can't change someone's personality. Just as you can't make someone outgoing/tidy/kind just by force of will (nagging). It's just not worth it.

I just think these people should be honest, though, and search for a soul mate in their home town (or find a mobile orphan).

Mmmmm. Have a watch of this: www.youtube.com/results?search_query=dan+savage+the+price+of+admission

The question is I think - this is your price of admission - his dependance on his home town and family. Can you live with it? because it's not going to change very soon. If he didn't want you to be a part of it I would have said that is very troubling, but he does want you to be part of it.

I'm long in the tooth - at end of a 20 year relationship, but from that perspective I would say that some separate life is important and it is also very important to accept the person you love - along with thier foibles.

But I do think this problem requires some negotiation. Maybe this: you go home with him one weekend, the next he goes alone, the next he stays with you for the weekend. And maybe you should plan more events / excursions in neither town - but things you have planned together. Also make sure you are interested in his home town life and don't grow resentful of it. communicate plainly without recrimination. If he can't communicate/compromise - then that is your real problem.

I suspect you have quite an entangled mother/son relationship on your hands here and you will never win - if you are foolish enough to go head to head with it. However you may find the other side of the coin to this is that when/if you do have children he will be a very devoted dad. Overall - I think you love one another and it's worth fighting for.....

The latest update is a very interesting personality case history - the attachment to home, family and the dead and the belief that the past is better than the present.

It's very very odd that he has not managed to create a home for himself in York that he finds comfortable. He outsources responsibility for his comfort to his mother and hasn't (refuses) to develop the tools to organise that for himself. It's a highly dependent.

From what you said in this latest update there really is no point even trying to make him choose, you will always lose. The writing is on the wall - I would end it without wasting more of your life. Painful though it is. I would also strongly suggest to him that he changes job and moves back home if he wants a relationship because a York relationship will never work.

I don't think it's at all odd that he has formed no attachment to York. He has no vision of himself there in the future, because he doesn't want to be there. He wouldn't be there if his job allowed him to stay at 'home' and he stays with mummy as frequently as possible.

It reminds me massively of my cousins, none of whom have managed to move more than 5 minutes away from their parents' house. One of them likes her current house because she can see her mum's street from it! They won't ever move and are nuts about their home town. So is this bloke.

He will never commit to the OP, he has the life he wants, the OP-sorry-is a nice distraction but unless she suddenly decides to move to his home town and play second fiddle to his mum, football team, memories of dead grandparents, he will never commit or put her first.

Having kids with him would be a nightmare as he would try to recreate the grandparent relationship he had by spending all his time at and taking the dc to his parents' place.

OP-come back!

Did he drive back yesterday and spend yesterday evening and today with you?

I don't think it is fair on you at all, and I would frankly be bored by his reminiscences. He is not living in the moment, even though he has something great going for him in York. I would tell him that, and for that reason it has been a fantastic 6 months, but you just can't keep living this half life as if you are the other woman. Honestly, you may as well be someone's mistress with this set up!!

The other thing I meant to say wrt his attachment to the past, is that he's seemingly unable to move on with the next phase of life. It's not just about tradition, nostalgia for lost relatives, he's stuck in past phase of development.

Ironically, if he lived in his home town, he'd have no reason to stay over in his old room. So then what would he do? Would he make it more comfortable himself?

You're still young OP, I have no doubt, once you've got over the heartbreak, that you will find someone without these major issues.