Boyfriend too set in his ways

[Lydia777]

I have been going out with a really lovely guy for six months now. He is a truly lovely boyfriend and treats me incredibly well. He is ten years older than me(30/40).

I have always been a really independent person who loves to travel. I have been happily single for a long time.

When I met him, I fell hard for him, and am so in love with him-a first for me. I have never felt so strongly about anyone before.

He works in my home city, York, but is from another town, 4 hours drive away. Although living here years before I met him, he never liked living here and was constantly going home every weekend. His life was completely at home-he just worked and slept here. Due to his work, he kept living here as it would be so difficult for him to get a job in his home town/area. So really, moving home has never been an option for him. Where I live is really lively and beautiful-he just preferred to go back home constantly.

When we met and fell quickly in love, it was clear that I had made him much happier-he said I changed his life. In so many ways things are going so well-from the beginning, he talked about a future for us living here together, marriage etc. He talked about how he would obviously go home less and build a life together here- he said he would maybe go home once a month.

At the beginning, I was not used to being in a relationship and very independent so was happy for us not to live in each other's pockets and do lots of things independently-when we were together, things were so fantastic. He went home a lot still for different reasons, and was always eager for me to go with him, which I did several times.

Lately though, things have got more strained. He started going home every two weeks but now sometimes goes home almost every weekend as there is always something on that he has to go to at home. He is incredibly close to his family and it is obvious how happy he is when he is there. I have never known anyone who loves his home city so much. He knows I am not happy with him going so much but we haven't yet had a big argument about it.

I am usually a very laid back person, so never wanted to make a big deal of it, and as I said, I do like doing my own thing too. I did make it clear that if we were going to be living together etc in future, he couldn't be constantly running home, which he agreed with. I also feel that if he stays, he is only doing it out of duty and for me, that would ruin the joy of spending weekends together. Even when talking about romantic weekends away, he talks about hotels in close proximity to his home city!

But it's started to make me resentful when he is gone away, and I feel really teary so often now which is not me at all, and I can't stop thinking about it. I know that he would like for us to move in together at some stage soon but I am now hesitant.

I am worried that he will never settle and actually be happy living here, even though I know he loves me. Part of me thinks he is just too set in his ways now and will never change, despite the things he said at the start. During a conversation lately, it came out that his ex-girlfriend had problems with him going home so much. He said she had told him to choose between her or his family. Reading between the lines, my guess is that she wasn't meaning to be that extreme, she was probably just feeling as I do now but its made it clear its something he is quite defensive about.

I am wondering if I should just end things now even though it would absolutely break my heart, as I am so sure he is the love of my life. Lately, I am just feeling so sad and in bad form and I was always such a happy go lucky person. I had decided that I will give it a bit more time, as pushing it would make him resentful and I would detest coming across as needy which I really don't think I am.

He is such a wonderful guy who treats me with such love and respect, and would do anything for me...except spend weekends with me. Has he just been alone so long, he can't or won't change?

I would really love some advice on how to deal with things. I think its pretty early on in the relationship for an ultimatum and its never been my personality to 'lay down the law'. I do make it clear I have a good time at weekends, going on girl's nights etc. as I do not want to be the kind of girl that pines for him all the time he is gone and just waits around for him. But so unsure what to do to change things.

I think he really likes you and wants it to work, but when push comes to shove his home will win in the end. His whole life is based and lived somewhere else. I can't see him giving that up considering he is already increasing his visits home so early in the relationship from what was agreed. Sorry

How long has he lived in his current town though? How long has he put his family first ahead of any relationship?

He's 40. It seems he's never had a long-term partner, doesn't have children, never been married, at 40 that's unusual, and may not just be down to the fact that he's attached to his family, the fact he's attached to his family may be the result of his never having had a long term relationship.

Also, six months in is hardly any time to start planning a future together with someone who is already hitting middle age and has never had that with anyone else.

It's a bit harsh to refer to the OP as just a mid week shag when he does want her to go along with him to his home town.

It sounds more to me as if he feels stuck in his current town because of his job which is something which he would struggle to do anything about. There's nothing wrong with being attached to one place, and if he doesn't pay rent there why wouldn't he want to stay at his parents' when he goes home? Possibly his mates have wives and families of their own so he can't stay there.

Yes a talk is needed but all this assumption after only six months is incredibly heavy. If they have different aims i.e. The OP wants to travel the world and he doesn't then that might make a relationship incompatible. But his still going to his home town at weekends after spending all week with the OP and still inviting her with him after just six months certainly shouldn't be considered bin-able behaviour.

Thank you for all the advice.

Yes, the setup of his life is not compatible with a relationship and it is starting to feel compartmentalised-I am the priority Monday-Thursday; after that, I'm not unless I slot into his lifestyle.

I think that is a very good point about how he is so lovely when he is with me because he is not really engaging in a real relationship. When we are together he treats me so well and does so much for me; he is so loving, caring and romantic and goes out of his way to do things for me- he would drive an hour to a particular bakery I love to get me something as a gift. But I think he then pats himself on the back about what a good boyfriend he is and thinks he treats me like a princess. But he won't make any sacrifices or bend when it comes to the things he does/weekends.

What is also annoying about being slotted into Monday-Thursday is that it almost feels as if then I have to see him all of those evenings as they are my only chance to see him. But with work, and trying to get to the gym every so often and other commitments and the 45 minute commute from the different areas of the city we live in after work, I don't want to feel obliged to meet him every single evening during the week. I feel weekends are times when couples are more free to spend time together, having fun and doing things or just relaxing. When we stay over at each other's places on a night during the week, we never get to sleep in, or just relax at night knowing that we don't have work in the morning. No matter how nice a time we have together during the week, a week night is not going to be as much fun as a weekend night! He is never as relaxed during the week- I feel I don't get the best part of him.

In terms of being just a shag etc during the week and how maybe he is trying to avoid commitment, I don't think this is true (not trying to just kid myself). He is very intent on a future, commitment etc-I know that he absolutely wants a partner in life and that he did not like being single, and is not interested in casual relationships. He talks about how happy I have made him, how is future is with me etc. I feel that the problem is that he does not think logically or realistically about the future-he sees it in very idyllic terms. He seems to have a lovely romantic view of us being married/having children etc but does not think ahead enough to realise that his lifestyle would need to change dramatically if that was to happen. I think he realises it in some ways, but doesn't really accept how much it would have to change to sustain a long term relationship. I think the 'all talk but no action' is ringing true.

So this weekend, he has to go home on Friday for a sporting event. He talked yesterday about how he'll probably come back on Saturday as he feels we should have a night out together as we haven't had one in ages here. In the same sentence he said there is another sporting event on the Sunday at his home that he would have liked to go to though. He probably wanted me to tell him to stay and go to it. Its clear that if he comes back up Saturday, he is doing it because he 'should' and feels bad for me, not because he really wants to. I know we would have a great night/lovely Sunday together but for me, it means less as he would really prefer to stay at home.

The last poster mentioned how he would be different if we had children. But I worry that that would not be the case and he would want to be bringing the children to see their grandparents for weekends all the time (I would ensure that we would go to them but how often would be the issue!)

The poster also mentioned about it being bliss when you have your own space etc. I love my own space and often love weekends when I just have my own time/space. I wouldn't like to be glued to him all and every weekend. But the way he is going so often is not ok. I would also be happy to go on travels alone or with a friend for a while, that's something I would do no problem. I have always been a believer in couples having their own independence but I feel that him heading off so much at weekends and us having no time together is too much.

Its also that he is not as independent in lots of ways as me, he would really love if I was always by his side and we did even more together-he doesn't actually need the space I do. During the week, he would love for us to spend every single evening together, and he would be happy if I was always going home with him at weekends. But I wouldn't be. And I don't think it should be expected.

Lydia you sound lovely and a catch! You deserve the full package.

I think you know how hard this is going to be. I've done it. Was hideous. Made it out the other side and then met an amazing man, had a baby and am currently "living happily ever after"

Take care of yourself xx

Interesting about his comparative lack of independence - his home-going is likely part of that.

It's very odd for him not to have built up a group of friends in York and got involved in sports there.

He talks about how happy I have made him, how is future is with me etc. I feel that the problem is that he does not think logically or realistically about the future-he sees it in very idyllic terms. He seems to have a lovely romantic view of us being married/having children etc but does not think ahead enough to realise that his lifestyle would need to change dramatically if that was to happen. I think he realises it in some ways, but doesn't really accept how much it would have to change to sustain a long term relationship. I think the 'all talk but no action' is ringing true

So this is part of the whole conversation you need to have with him. It seems like he hasn't really 'got' adult relationships, he's still living and thinking like a teen dashing back to his parents on his weekends.

Sounds like an issue that could potentially be very problematic in the long term.
Do you think it's possible that part of the problem is that some of the reasons he goes home are fixed events like sports events and birthday parties, whereas hanging out with your girlfriend isn't a set event with a time and a place IYSWIM? I think if i were in your position, I would try to organise some weekend events and ask him to attend e.g. A night out with friends, a dinner with your family, and see how willing he is to attend those instead of going home. That might tell you all you need to know about how things will pan out in the future.
I would also say to take him at his word when he offers not to go home or return to York on a Saturday; you can't know exactly what's going through his mind, and turning down these offers if going to make you look almost silly if you are raising him not being around at weekends at a later stage.
Also, there is absolutely nothing disloyal about talking to your friends about your concerns; you should be talking to them if you value their opinions and advice.

I think it's great that the OP managed to write a whole post without mentioning she likes to travel and has lived abroad.

What is the sporting event? Is the season almost over now?

The talk of the future is all talk: won’t even miss a sporting event for you. Wasting your time IMO.

Sorry - the "mid-week shag" thing was harsh. I know he sees you as more than that.

What I meant was, and as you say, the best bit of the week IS the weekend (mostly). It's when we shake off work etc. and life begins. As you say, he's never as relaxed in the week as at the weekend. And yet he systematically either lops off that time to go home or he expects you to go with him...! Where are all of the nice things that I mentioned in my first post, which're typical of new relationship "honeymoon" behaviour: the lie-ins, breakfast and the papers in bed, going to exhibitions, drinks in the pub? It sounds like he's trying to cram that into the week (and as you say, that means you committing to "just him" in the week, and other activities taking a hit), when the reality is it's just not quite as fum because you always have work in the morning and the weekend rolls round but he's off again.

I'm not trying to be mean - my post came across that way and i'm sorry. I just think in this entire situation he is not going to change and you're going to be left lonely and frustrated as a result and you'll get to a year down the line and wonder why you wasted your time with someone who wouldn't pit aside the best time of the week for you

In lreland its very common for lads to go home evrry weekend to their home town. But the first indicator they have a gf is they come home less. Often the chat is...oh he must be seeing someone as hasn't been home as often. But this has not happened here. Saying that being part of a sports team is a big draw back home. But this guy is 40. He is very entrenched in this lifestyle now. He should be at stage he wants to stay as looking forward to doing stuff with you. I would give it a bit more time as sport usually not on in Winter and driving conditions more difficult so he he persists in going l would leave it as he is not going to change.
He lacks imagination ..never getting involved in York. He is a mummys boy. He makes promises but doesnt live up to them. He is a boy still at 40.
Not such a great catch really.

You're worth more. Yes us letting buoy know what is more important

I married a man who needed to be at home every weekend. It was very difficult. We are OK now but I nearly left him over it in the early days. Everything was mam did this mam did that. It is deeply unattractive

He is letting you know - I meant

Have you tried being less available during the week? So if he wants to see you it'll have to be at the weekend?

Other posters are absolutely right saying the weekend is the most important part of the week, your boyfriend is choosing NOT to spend it with you.

All his flowery romantic talk is just that - talk (its called future faking) and it's working for him as he has you where and when he wants you.

He is 40 and very unlikely to change, he is happy with this set-up.

One of the reasons his last relationship ended was for this exact situation so he hasn't learned from that how to treat a girlfriend.

Out of curiosity, what would his reaction be if you said you would be unavailable Mon-Wed from now on with after work activities etc? Would he be eager to fit around your schedule?

As harsh as it may sound it does appear from the outside he sees you as a convenient part-time shag, you are neatly compartmentalised for after work mid-week fun. You sound such a wonderful person, don't waste yourself on him

Saying that being part of a sports team is a big draw back home

Depends what you mean. If you mean supporting home football team and going back to watch matches, I get that. But if you just mean playing on a team, there's no reason why he can't play in York.

If he had the slightest interest in making his life in York, he'd have joined a sportsball team/club there by now.

With all due respect, I don't think you understand the difference between a sports team you've been a part of for years to joining a brand new one. The actual "sports" aspect of it is not the main reason you play. Especially at 40.

What have you said about this weekend? When he says-I'll probably be back Saturday-say, 'great-lovely, we can do x.' And leave it there. Do NOT say-'oh, you may as well stay there for the weekend'. Don't give him 'permission'.

If he phones you Saturday saying he wants to stay for the Sunday -that will tell you everything really.

He must spend most of his weekends driving!

Re: this weekend. Dont give him permission, like you are his mum. He is an adult and needs to make his own decision about the Sunday. This comes up occasionally on threads and is very useful advice when dealing with an adult who is doing something that they know will cause upset or hurt.

Can't he just change jobs?

I know a girl who had a fantastic job but missed home so much that she retrained and spent years qualifying and got an even better job at home now. She is so so happy now and it was all worth it. She is 40 also. It's never too late.

There are lots of things he could do but he needs to move home. Good luck.

Ok everyone....I think op has got the message! X

M4dad, I do understand that it would be hard to do - but he's lived and worked in York for years, not just moved there - he hasn't been 40 that whole time . He's never tried to make it his home - one of the most logical ways to have tried to make friends and make the most of being there, would have been to join a team or club there. He's remained firmly with one foot back 4 hours away. Problem is he should be dating someone back there too, instead of having a girlfriend in York who makes the week go better until he can go home.

Why would you want to make another place your home when you already have one and it's just a few hours drive away? I've lived and worked all over the UK and Europe, whilst I've had a great time I've never wanted to make those places "my home"

I agree he should be dating someone from back home.

You're implying that he's "using" the OP, I don't think he is, he's just a homebird.

Thank you everyone for all the opinions and sincere advice.

'livefornaps', you weren't being harsh-I much prefer honest advice even if it's not nice to hear!

Yes that's very true about weekends and about him cramming things into the week. We never have weekends that are just for us to be romantic and have fun as a couple. He does sweet and romantic things for me during the week but we never get to do the nice, romantic weekend dinner out etc.

In terms of the poster that said that in certain cultures it's more normal-I understand that as my family are Irish but like you said, his routine hasn't really changed. Sports teams are an excuse to keep going down extra at the moment but even if there was no sport, he would still continue to go down home almost as often.

The poster that said about how her partner used to be like that and used to talk about his mother a lot. That happens in this case too-because I am feeling like this, I suppose I notice it more, and it has really started to grate on me.

In terms of fitting around my schedule and seeing him less etc. Really during the week, the relationship is more on my terms-he would like to see me every evening-I tend to be the one that says the evenings I want to see him, This week, we only saw each other two out of the four evenings as I had to work late and then due to other things it would have been too rushed to see him-we would only have had such a short evening together. Usually, its three out of the four evenings, but it can be two. Its not much for a serious relationship...but the alternative for me is giving up all other commitments during the week. During the week he goes out of his way for me and would do anything I want or anything for me.

Last night we spent the evening together at his house and it was really lovely for the most part. Then he mentioned the weekend and said he was planning on coming up this Saturday, again in the same sentence, he said how it would kill him though for him to miss watching a local football final. (Not playing, just a local team). He said it wouldn't be fair on me being gone again and how it wouldn't be right missing a third Saturday night out together(I also think he has got a bit insecure about the fact that I have been out with friends whenever he is away). He said he felt bad last weekend being gone again. Then he started saying how he just wishes he had come back last Saturday instead when there was nothing really on at home so that then he would then spend all this weekend at home. (not such a nice thing to hear). I replied saying that yes it wasn't right, but what is the point in coming back up if he so obviously doesn't want to. He said he did, he wanted to see me. That's how it was left. We went to bed soon after. It wasn't an argument, really just a conversation but he seemed in bad form after and there was just a bit of a tension between us. It annoys me that he was in bad form as how did he expect the conversation to turn out? It was the third time he mentioned how he would come back up this Saturday but it 'killed' him to miss the match, so he must have wanted me to insist on him staying to watch it. Last weekend, he mentioned coming back the Saturday in a very half-hearted way and I said as he was so wrecked tired(which he was), there was no point driving all that way as I knew he wanted to stay home. So I felt that I wasn't going to do that again. But there is now no enjoyment in tomorrow night as I know he just feels he has to do it, I know he does not want to. And he doesn't even have the sense to be more convincing in assuring me that he does want to spend the night with me.

I didn't want an argument last night, as I've felt things have been a bit tense lately and I just didn't want such a serious conversation to happen then. It's been a long week and I just wanted some wine and a chilled out night. But now it feels like it's the elephant in the room. The last couple of nights he has asked me am I ok, as I don't seem myself-I am quieter. I suppose part of my reluctance is that for quite a long time, our relationship was so easy and fun and I was always in a great mood- he always used to comment on how I was just so easy and fun to be with, and part of me just wants to stay that way, and not ruin everything by always making an issue out of things. But obviously I know that I cannot do that-I will not be a doormat.

We were talking about another person we know-my friend's boyfriend who is a really heavy drinker. I mentioned that he has definitely drank less since he has met my friend but that maybe as he gets older he may only get worse again. He said that the boyfriend might change gradually with her or maybe not at all. I think that's how he sees our situation-that its too much of a jump for him to change all at once-it has to be a gradual thing. But I just have very little faith anymore that he will change enough.

Last night, after reading all the posts, I sort of stepped back in my head, and watched our relationship as a neutral observer- it didn't look good.

I have decided that the situation is not something that can be kept up and I can't just wait for him to change. I feel its changed things for me lately as I just cannot be as relaxed and happy with him, as it's always playing on my mind. If he mentions anything about something happening in the future the enjoyment is gone as I just think 'we can't have a future if you don't change.' So I suppose its up to him now to change and have an adult relationship or its over.

Just saw some other messages. In terms of the 'permission' thing, I will never step into that role. His decision, end of. I hate those kind of relationships.