Boyfriend too set in his ways

[Lydia777]

I have been going out with a really lovely guy for six months now. He is a truly lovely boyfriend and treats me incredibly well. He is ten years older than me(30/40).

I have always been a really independent person who loves to travel. I have been happily single for a long time.

When I met him, I fell hard for him, and am so in love with him-a first for me. I have never felt so strongly about anyone before.

He works in my home city, York, but is from another town, 4 hours drive away. Although living here years before I met him, he never liked living here and was constantly going home every weekend. His life was completely at home-he just worked and slept here. Due to his work, he kept living here as it would be so difficult for him to get a job in his home town/area. So really, moving home has never been an option for him. Where I live is really lively and beautiful-he just preferred to go back home constantly.

When we met and fell quickly in love, it was clear that I had made him much happier-he said I changed his life. In so many ways things are going so well-from the beginning, he talked about a future for us living here together, marriage etc. He talked about how he would obviously go home less and build a life together here- he said he would maybe go home once a month.

At the beginning, I was not used to being in a relationship and very independent so was happy for us not to live in each other's pockets and do lots of things independently-when we were together, things were so fantastic. He went home a lot still for different reasons, and was always eager for me to go with him, which I did several times.

Lately though, things have got more strained. He started going home every two weeks but now sometimes goes home almost every weekend as there is always something on that he has to go to at home. He is incredibly close to his family and it is obvious how happy he is when he is there. I have never known anyone who loves his home city so much. He knows I am not happy with him going so much but we haven't yet had a big argument about it.

I am usually a very laid back person, so never wanted to make a big deal of it, and as I said, I do like doing my own thing too. I did make it clear that if we were going to be living together etc in future, he couldn't be constantly running home, which he agreed with. I also feel that if he stays, he is only doing it out of duty and for me, that would ruin the joy of spending weekends together. Even when talking about romantic weekends away, he talks about hotels in close proximity to his home city!

But it's started to make me resentful when he is gone away, and I feel really teary so often now which is not me at all, and I can't stop thinking about it. I know that he would like for us to move in together at some stage soon but I am now hesitant.

I am worried that he will never settle and actually be happy living here, even though I know he loves me. Part of me thinks he is just too set in his ways now and will never change, despite the things he said at the start. During a conversation lately, it came out that his ex-girlfriend had problems with him going home so much. He said she had told him to choose between her or his family. Reading between the lines, my guess is that she wasn't meaning to be that extreme, she was probably just feeling as I do now but its made it clear its something he is quite defensive about.

I am wondering if I should just end things now even though it would absolutely break my heart, as I am so sure he is the love of my life. Lately, I am just feeling so sad and in bad form and I was always such a happy go lucky person. I had decided that I will give it a bit more time, as pushing it would make him resentful and I would detest coming across as needy which I really don't think I am.

He is such a wonderful guy who treats me with such love and respect, and would do anything for me...except spend weekends with me. Has he just been alone so long, he can't or won't change?

I would really love some advice on how to deal with things. I think its pretty early on in the relationship for an ultimatum and its never been my personality to 'lay down the law'. I do make it clear I have a good time at weekends, going on girl's nights etc. as I do not want to be the kind of girl that pines for him all the time he is gone and just waits around for him. But so unsure what to do to change things.

You sound very sensible and philosophical about it all, OP.

so he must have wanted me to insist on him staying to watch it

Please don't give him 'permission' this week. Just to see what he does. Just keep saying-it's up to you, do what you want-I can't make that decision for you. If he pushes, say-Do you want me to beg you to come back because I'm really not going to!? You are a grown up.

I think it will interesting to see what he does.

Just saw some other messages. In terms of the 'permission' thing, I will never step into that role.

Maybe permission is the wrong word then, it should be validation?

Last weekend, he mentioned coming back the Saturday in a very half-hearted way and I said as he was so wrecked tired(which he was), there was no point driving all that way as I knew he wanted to stay home.

That was giving him validation to stay, I think.

M4dad, he's probably not setting out to 'use' the op - but she's company for the week and he wants her to give up lots of her evenings to be with him - and then at the weekends it's either come along with him or he'll go alone. And this was a problem in his previous relationship, so it's an ongoing pattern where, essentially, it is very convenient to have a girlfriend in York.

If it's "very convenient" he would have already of had one.

That said, I think the OP is an extremely switched on person and she'll do what's right for herself.

As with a lot of things, and I'm referring to the boyfriend, a lot of people don't realise what they had until it's gone.

He's already had something similar happen before, so you'd think a little light might have gone on already, but maybe it will take it happening a second time for him to work out that he's trying to play the piano with his hands in his pockets. If so, his next gf can thank you!

M4dad - He did (read the first post again), the issue of him going home every weekend was much of why the previous gf ditched him.

Urgh. I would have responded to the "I wish I'd come back for last Saturday night instead of this one" talk with a dry "Well, you didn't". He is desperate for you to say you don't mind if he stays there all this weekend because you then lose your right to bring it up later. If you did, he could then just respond that you said it was fine.

Cut your losses. He sounds like an eternal manchild. Particularly if you see children in your future he is not the right one for you. If you stay with him and you do have kids I'd like to place a £20 bet here and now that you will have the "But why can't I go home over your due date? It probably won't even happen!" argument.

If you did, he could then just respond that you said it was fine.

This x 100.

Hmmm, so it would "kill him" not to see the football match but it doesn't "kill him" not to see you at the weekend. I think you have your answer. It will be interesting to see what he does this weekend.

This would be tiresome from a man of 20. This one is 40 ffs!

Make other plans. He can "tag along" if he is around. That's a two way street.

With all due respect, I don't think you understand the difference between a sports team you've been a part of for years to joining a brand new one. The actual "sports" aspect of it is not the main reason you play. Especially at 40.

Yes that's far too hard for us to understand.

Point is, if he'd switched teams when he decided he was staying in York, he'd have been part of the York team for years by now.

He said that the boyfriend might change gradually with her or maybe not at all. I think that's how he sees our situation-that its too much of a jump for him to change all at once-it has to be a gradual thing

That's a very interesting piece of projective identification - he's basically telling you about himself. So he might change gradually or not at all. Great.

The problem is - if you talk to him straight over this - which is the only way I can see this going forward - he will have to go cold turkey on his home town. Every weekend it 'kills' him not to be with his home team/ family will be implicitly your fault for making him choose. So I don't know if you can win here.

They are very good points about giving him validation-I think saying that it's his decision etc is important.

He is coming up this evening for us to go out tonight and we'll be spending the day together tomorrow. He said in his texts last night that he was really looking forward to it and seeing me.

He also started talking loads in the messages about family members (grandparents who are dead years, and how amazing people they were and how much he missed them)-I've heard a lot about them before). Maybe I am reading too much into it right now but its almost as if he is making a point about how important his family/home is to him. He also mentioned in the same messages how he sleeps so much better in his bed at home as the house at home is so warm and homely in comparison to his cold and uncomfortable home up here, so he was looking forward to a great sleep last night. He always says that is one of the reasons he goes back home too-my reply is always that he should have concentrated on finding a more comfortable home up here. That message just made me think 'how pathetic' last night where usually I would feel much more tolerant.

He is so focused on memories and openly says how his life was happier when he was younger. He never stops talking about his grandparents etc and life before they died. While its admirable to be loyal to their memories and to be so sentimental about the past, I think that its important to embrace the present and the future and live for now, which he does not do. Its like he puts his memories and nostalgia for the past ahead of his present life. He is so into traditions and hates to break a tradition that he has been doing for years-but I feel that certain traditions have to be broken if your life has to move on.

"The problem is - if you talk to him straight over this - which is the only way I can see this going forward - he will have to go cold turkey on his home town. Every weekend it 'kills' him not to be with his home team/ family will be implicitly your fault for making him choose. So I don't know if you can win here."

I agree. I think the only way for it to work is for him to actually understand and admit that his behaviour is not really normal and that I am not unreasonable to think that its not ok. Otherwise, he will be just resentful, and think I am being 'high maintenance'. I actually think he is quite resentful about coming up this weekend, despite him telling me his is looking forward to it. Which obviously taints our time together.

But honestly, I don't think he will understand-he is extremely single minded and can be stubborn about things he feels strongly about. When his ex came into conversation, he said he had stayed up her for 6 weeks altogether to please her one time and it killed him. He talked about how she didn't understand how important home was to him. That's when he said that she told him to choose her or his family. At the time, I said that maybe she didn't mean that-she just wanted to feel like his priority. So I don't think that he will understand my views as he obviously didn't understand her's-he saw her as being selfish and not understanding him. So I don't think this will be any different.

I think it will have to end between us as I don't think he will ever acknowledge that such change is needed or be willing to change his ways. I have come to terms with that now. I just wish it didn't involve my heart being broken.

Two things:

1. He's forty. He WON'T change. He is happy. His aim isn't to change here, it's to work out how to get you to fit in with it. He'll 'do anything for you' - only he won't, will he? - he'll 'do anything' EXCEPT the stuff that's more important to him. He won't change.

1. It's only been six months. At maximum, give it another three (I wouldn't even give it that) - and unless there have been significant changes, then get rid. And I don't mean him making the effort not to go. Significant changes would be:

• getting a more comfy place so that he starts to put down roots, as you suggested. Or even a more comfy bed

• starting to engage with a social life where you are, instead of everything he wants ot commit to being there

-naturally beginning to talk about and want to go home less.

I'd sit him down, tell him that unless he wants to start with the first two, then it just is never going to work. That HE needs to decide whether he actually simply wants his life to be focused at home - if so, he needs to find a partner based there and just move back.

Posted too soon!

He will no doubt agree, reassure - and start future faking it all - just as he did with previous partners. Because the problem with 2. is that you have 1. He's forty, and he might pay lip service to these things - but ultimately you are fighting a losing battle.

bloody hell op this is so much effort
Surely relationships shouldn’t be this hard
I also agree he’s 40 so this is what he will always be like

I think you are making a sensible decision. Is he travelling back to York now?

Problem is he should be dating someone back there too, instead of having a girlfriend in York who makes the week go better until he can go home.

He has - his Mum!

How long has he been in York? How many exes has he not committed to?

How did you meet? I think your age difference and your "independent" spirit attracted him - gives him room to loads of rope and wriggle room to have his cake and eat it for a few more years....

*He is ... dating his Mum!

Walking away is the right decision.
He really is quite self-absorbed. And, imho, he is the selfish one (not the previous gf or you). It was a fine bit of manipulation to deflect the subject of the conversation away from you and on to dead grandparents-impossible for you to minimize/dismiss that subject and it shut you up again. He really isn't all that lovely when you think about it.

You now know the fun romantic love-of-your-life relationship was just a flimsy facade as so well described by the part-time investment facilitating always good behavior. Yes, ouch, but it was a fun, good time so take those memories with you. It did turn out to just be a Summer romance; whether or not either of you designed it that way is irrelevant, imho. Filing it away in that folder can help you process it and move on.

for getting through this in only 6 months time!

I also need to agree that he won't change, for you. If he was going to, he'd have done it already. He's getting worse, not better. He wants you to slot into his priorities and he'll never make you one of his.

Hi OP,

You sound lovely, intelligent, caring, loyal - in all, a catch. Let's just reflect on some thoughts of PPs:

If you stay with him and you do have kids I'd like to place a £20 bet that you will have the "But why can't I go home over your due date?

He may be the love of your life, but as a relationship passes through the hearts and flowers stage to the everyday nitty-gritty of life, there will be many times when you need him to be there for you. Romance is all very well, but ultimately you want someone who is there, who you can count on.

He is happy. His aim isn't to change here, it's to work out how to get you to fit in with it. He'll 'do anything for you' - only he won't, will he? - he'll 'do anything' EXCEPT the stuff that's more important to him.

He is selfish. Do you want to be with someone for the long haul who shows a lack of consideration for you? Who consistently overrides your feelings?

he is the selfish one (not the previous gf or you). It was a fine bit of manipulation to deflect the conversation away from you and on to dead grandparents .... and it shut you up again. He really isn't all that lovely when you think about it.

He talks about how happy I have made him, how is future is with me.

Break up with him, sweetie. If he is so committed, let him do something about it.

Talk is cheap. Imagine he is a TV and put him on "mute". Look at his actions instead of listening to his words. I know women who've wasted the best years of their lives hanging on and listening to empty promises.

You are young and you have many, many more opportunities to meet men. You may think he's the love of your life but when you meet the right guy - one who shows he is committed through his actions - you will know that this guy was not the love of your life.

The conversation about the friend who "may change gradually" - as another PP said - he was projecting and telling you that this is the best you can expect from him.

He is cavalier with you and is taking you for granted. My sister was with a guy like this for years. He dumped her and it was the biggest favour he ever did her - a year later she met her DH (after which, naturally, the cavalier BF wanted her back).

Please don't waste the best years of your life on this self-absorbed and immature individual. Acknowledge the good times you've had together, then toss him back into the wild to clear the path for Mr Right.

That is quite odd to text you about his grandparents who are long gone and his childhood bed and home . Even a teenager who goes off to uni doesn't talk like that about their family home. They just start living their new life.

It will be interesting to see how he is with you tonight and if starts making little digs about missing his family and giving up his sports fixture or whatever is so important to him. Thing is, you will be on high alert for it now and less tolerant I think.