Boyfriend too set in his ways

[Lydia777]

I have been going out with a really lovely guy for six months now. He is a truly lovely boyfriend and treats me incredibly well. He is ten years older than me(30/40).

I have always been a really independent person who loves to travel. I have been happily single for a long time.

When I met him, I fell hard for him, and am so in love with him-a first for me. I have never felt so strongly about anyone before.

He works in my home city, York, but is from another town, 4 hours drive away. Although living here years before I met him, he never liked living here and was constantly going home every weekend. His life was completely at home-he just worked and slept here. Due to his work, he kept living here as it would be so difficult for him to get a job in his home town/area. So really, moving home has never been an option for him. Where I live is really lively and beautiful-he just preferred to go back home constantly.

When we met and fell quickly in love, it was clear that I had made him much happier-he said I changed his life. In so many ways things are going so well-from the beginning, he talked about a future for us living here together, marriage etc. He talked about how he would obviously go home less and build a life together here- he said he would maybe go home once a month.

At the beginning, I was not used to being in a relationship and very independent so was happy for us not to live in each other's pockets and do lots of things independently-when we were together, things were so fantastic. He went home a lot still for different reasons, and was always eager for me to go with him, which I did several times.

Lately though, things have got more strained. He started going home every two weeks but now sometimes goes home almost every weekend as there is always something on that he has to go to at home. He is incredibly close to his family and it is obvious how happy he is when he is there. I have never known anyone who loves his home city so much. He knows I am not happy with him going so much but we haven't yet had a big argument about it.

I am usually a very laid back person, so never wanted to make a big deal of it, and as I said, I do like doing my own thing too. I did make it clear that if we were going to be living together etc in future, he couldn't be constantly running home, which he agreed with. I also feel that if he stays, he is only doing it out of duty and for me, that would ruin the joy of spending weekends together. Even when talking about romantic weekends away, he talks about hotels in close proximity to his home city!

But it's started to make me resentful when he is gone away, and I feel really teary so often now which is not me at all, and I can't stop thinking about it. I know that he would like for us to move in together at some stage soon but I am now hesitant.

I am worried that he will never settle and actually be happy living here, even though I know he loves me. Part of me thinks he is just too set in his ways now and will never change, despite the things he said at the start. During a conversation lately, it came out that his ex-girlfriend had problems with him going home so much. He said she had told him to choose between her or his family. Reading between the lines, my guess is that she wasn't meaning to be that extreme, she was probably just feeling as I do now but its made it clear its something he is quite defensive about.

I am wondering if I should just end things now even though it would absolutely break my heart, as I am so sure he is the love of my life. Lately, I am just feeling so sad and in bad form and I was always such a happy go lucky person. I had decided that I will give it a bit more time, as pushing it would make him resentful and I would detest coming across as needy which I really don't think I am.

He is such a wonderful guy who treats me with such love and respect, and would do anything for me...except spend weekends with me. Has he just been alone so long, he can't or won't change?

I would really love some advice on how to deal with things. I think its pretty early on in the relationship for an ultimatum and its never been my personality to 'lay down the law'. I do make it clear I have a good time at weekends, going on girl's nights etc. as I do not want to be the kind of girl that pines for him all the time he is gone and just waits around for him. But so unsure what to do to change things.

I think you need to prioritise yourself. In the first 2-3 years of a relationship, I love the freedom you have to decide what you want from him & life. Don’t do anything hasty & regret it though

re DC the big age gap is also an issue: male fertility can drop after 40, nontheless it’d be you who’d have to go through fertility treatment, possible miscarriages etc.

You can’t really talk about the future (living together, marriage, DC) if you can’t raise concerns and/or he’s unwilling to compromise on where he spends his time and makes his home in the present. The best predictor of future behaviour is past/current behaviour.

You're in the same situation as the ex. He chose family over the ex, he may do the same with you. Except of course they'll die eventually. And then he'll be alone.

My best friend is from/lives in Yorkshire and her boyfriend is a guy we went to school with (we're 32-33). He moved to a city in the South West for uni and then a specialist job but has never settled. He ended up splitting with his long term uni ex because his heart is still in Yorkshire and he was going up to see friends every weekend. He's up north every minute he can be now with no ties to his "home" but work.

It sounds like he'd be off like a shot if he could so if you want to stay put this is possibly insurmountable.

I think you need to have a serious chat about this with him to see where you stand.....there's nothing wrong with wanting to spend an occasional weekend with your partner! X

I don't understand why he would waste a decade of his life ferrying back and forth like that instead of just getting another job?

The bottom line is that his actions don't match with his words. Saying what you want to hear is easy, but he isn't even trying to live up to them. It is clear that you hold 2nd place in his life, and I really don't see that changing. He's already admitted he was willing to lose a relationship in the past due to this. Don't fool yourself into believing things will be any different for you.

You say he is "stuck in his ways". This is your perception, and I sense you say it with a bit of dismissiveness/minimizing. However, he is not feeling stuck at all. This is who he is. It is pretty much a take it or leave it circumstance. His promises and hints that he will change are a superficial facade to keep you as a convient shag. He is using you.

I agree with PPs who say his actions do not match his words. Pay very close attention to this- this is the reality of truth here. You are way too invested in his lip service. He obviously does not love you in the same way you love him. Nothing would keep him from your side if he did love you at all the same.

I also agree with PP in that the previous gf is a template. He is not going to change, for her, for you, for anyone.

Call time now- incompatible.

It is quite odd. Even university students don't go 'home' for the weekend that much. Does he still call it home? I stopped saying that about where I was brought up when I was 19.

I have known quite a few people who are wedded to their home town - their family, friends, environment etc etc. I know of two women who left their dhs because they couldn't bear not to live in their home town - and one was my granny! Dgf had to give up his (good) job and settle for a (mundane) job in grandmother's home town. A town that often features in Crap Towns, as well.

Dh was a bit like this, too. His friends, the football season ticket, family events... We had a long-distance relationship for years because no way was I going to live in his part of the world..... gulp.

I don't think that OP's bf is a bad person, per se, or "using" her as pp have suggested. I just think that he loves his home, and ideally for him OP would slot right in.

Again, thanks for the replies. It has made me feel a lot better actually that I am not being unreasonable as I have been feeling that maybe my feelings are unfair and an over reaction.

In terms of job, he wouldn't be able to move home as his job is so specialised-there are only a handful of cities where he could work-he would have moved home years ago if he could have. If it was me, I would have moved abroad rather than live somewhere I never liked but I don't think he would have ever settled anywhere except for home.

I don't think his family put pressure on him to come home-its more on his part. I think he does feel a responsibility towards his mother who is not very independent, and I think she would be sad if he wasn't home so much, but I feel that's just the way of life-she has other people in her life and he needs to lead his own life. He is the kind of person that would do anything for people that he loves. The problem with that is, inevitably you have to put someone first as you can't do everything for everyone. I would never ever want a boyfriend to give up his family as a big part of his life, but if we were to have a future/get married, I think I have to come first in his life. My fear is that he'll be so torn in terms of his loyalties, that he may not put me first.

I know it was his ex that broke up with him and there were other reasons, but I am starting to realise that that was probably a significant one.

When he talks about here, he says he works here but refers to his hometown as home-he seems to still believe he doesn't really live here.

Its pretty clear that his attitude can't continue if we are going to stay together. I think those people posting that if he is like this now, its not going to get better, may be right. I don't think he realises how much he is asking of his girlfriend and how unreasonable his way of life is for the other person in it. I think that no girl would be able to deal with that long term and I think he would have the same problems again in another relationship. I think the poster that said his family will be gone eventually is right-if he doesn't build his own family life, he will end up alone in the end.

I know I won't be able to just live with it as I am already feeling resentful, so I know it would just ruin our relationship.

I have to say that I have never moved away from my home town - all my family & friends live here and I can’t imagine being happy elsewhere. The difference is that I work here too - but I can see where he is coming from, and I doubt he is ever going to really change, even if you got married, had children etc it sounds like his heart would always be elsewhere.

Realistically though he could get a job doing something else. I'm surprised he didn't consider this before he made his career choice. Unless of course his home town is in the middle of nowhere in which case any industry would mean a move.

I can definitely see him pushing you to "give it a try" if you have children so they can be near his mother.

Blimey, he's doing all the adjusting.

He's not though is he. He's never actually adjusted to having left home or his home town.

Can I ask what you're changing about yourself for the good of the relationship?

It seems to me that if you want him to change so much and you successfully do it, you will then want to change something else about him and then something else and before you know it he's not the person you fell in love with and all you have on both sides is resentment.

What's so wrong with loving your hometown? He'd obviously live there if he could, but he can't due to his chosen career. I'm sure he has plans to retire there and live the rest of his life in the place he loves.

His mistake is falling for women who don't already live there or who find it was wonderful as he does.

OP I think you need to end the relationship. No one should settle for someone who doesn't 'mesh' with their life. And neither of you mesh with the other's.

Ok - but is it fair to say this:

"In so many ways things are going so well-from the beginning, he talked about a future for us living here together, marriage etc. He talked about how he would obviously go home less and build a life together here- he said he would maybe go home once a month."

And not really mean it?

joysmum
Blimey, he's doing all the adjusting.

Really? What adjustments do you think he is making, Joysmum?

It's surprising that he hasn't chosen to find a GF in his home Town, rather than in York.
It would be much easier, and give him much more quality time in a relationship.
I can't help but think there's some other reason for him continuing this situation. It's just rather odd.
It must be very difficult OP, and it doesn't seem as though it's likely to change.

He really needs to be dating someone in his home town.

He's not going to change, op. He might make promises if you make it an issue, but as you have already seen, he'll backslide. If you can accept him buggering off nearly every weekend and not expect it to change even with ramped up commitments to each other, then stick it out. Otherwise you're not going to be compatible. Or you'll need to move.

He went home less and asked the OP to go to visit his family with him which she's only done serveral times.

The OP says he'd have to live in her home town and that she doesn't want to even often go with him to visit his family.

He's the one expected to change his behaviour, I can't see from her posts that the OP has changing anything but even thinks her 'several' visits is too much for her.

'Only' several times? They've been together all of 6 months! That's several times more than many.

Of course he needs to change his behaviour if wants a relationship and he isn't going to move home.

Joysmum, I think expecting any partner to travel 4 hrs for a weekend as often as he wants to do it is unusual and a big ask for anybody. It's just not practical.