Boyfriend too set in his ways

[Lydia777]

I have been going out with a really lovely guy for six months now. He is a truly lovely boyfriend and treats me incredibly well. He is ten years older than me(30/40).

I have always been a really independent person who loves to travel. I have been happily single for a long time.

When I met him, I fell hard for him, and am so in love with him-a first for me. I have never felt so strongly about anyone before.

He works in my home city, York, but is from another town, 4 hours drive away. Although living here years before I met him, he never liked living here and was constantly going home every weekend. His life was completely at home-he just worked and slept here. Due to his work, he kept living here as it would be so difficult for him to get a job in his home town/area. So really, moving home has never been an option for him. Where I live is really lively and beautiful-he just preferred to go back home constantly.

When we met and fell quickly in love, it was clear that I had made him much happier-he said I changed his life. In so many ways things are going so well-from the beginning, he talked about a future for us living here together, marriage etc. He talked about how he would obviously go home less and build a life together here- he said he would maybe go home once a month.

At the beginning, I was not used to being in a relationship and very independent so was happy for us not to live in each other's pockets and do lots of things independently-when we were together, things were so fantastic. He went home a lot still for different reasons, and was always eager for me to go with him, which I did several times.

Lately though, things have got more strained. He started going home every two weeks but now sometimes goes home almost every weekend as there is always something on that he has to go to at home. He is incredibly close to his family and it is obvious how happy he is when he is there. I have never known anyone who loves his home city so much. He knows I am not happy with him going so much but we haven't yet had a big argument about it.

I am usually a very laid back person, so never wanted to make a big deal of it, and as I said, I do like doing my own thing too. I did make it clear that if we were going to be living together etc in future, he couldn't be constantly running home, which he agreed with. I also feel that if he stays, he is only doing it out of duty and for me, that would ruin the joy of spending weekends together. Even when talking about romantic weekends away, he talks about hotels in close proximity to his home city!

But it's started to make me resentful when he is gone away, and I feel really teary so often now which is not me at all, and I can't stop thinking about it. I know that he would like for us to move in together at some stage soon but I am now hesitant.

I am worried that he will never settle and actually be happy living here, even though I know he loves me. Part of me thinks he is just too set in his ways now and will never change, despite the things he said at the start. During a conversation lately, it came out that his ex-girlfriend had problems with him going home so much. He said she had told him to choose between her or his family. Reading between the lines, my guess is that she wasn't meaning to be that extreme, she was probably just feeling as I do now but its made it clear its something he is quite defensive about.

I am wondering if I should just end things now even though it would absolutely break my heart, as I am so sure he is the love of my life. Lately, I am just feeling so sad and in bad form and I was always such a happy go lucky person. I had decided that I will give it a bit more time, as pushing it would make him resentful and I would detest coming across as needy which I really don't think I am.

He is such a wonderful guy who treats me with such love and respect, and would do anything for me...except spend weekends with me. Has he just been alone so long, he can't or won't change?

I would really love some advice on how to deal with things. I think its pretty early on in the relationship for an ultimatum and its never been my personality to 'lay down the law'. I do make it clear I have a good time at weekends, going on girl's nights etc. as I do not want to be the kind of girl that pines for him all the time he is gone and just waits around for him. But so unsure what to do to change things.

You've only been seeing each other six months, so you don't even really know each other properly yet, especially if the majority of the 20 or so weekends since you've been involved have been spent in his home town. You can't have spent more than a few hundred hours together in total.

It's impossible for us to know whether he is future faking or he just isn't willing to change his life completely for a woman he has only just started seeing, and this is totally fair imo.

He cannot make an adult relationship work where he is if he goes home every weekend.

So he has to choose whether he wants to hang onto his old family or create a new one.

I'd say he's best of out of it.

Some people are just home birds and they always will be. It's a shame though for these two as home birds are almost always brilliant people.

Personally speaking, if the love of my life wanted me to go with her to her folks house every other weekend and we didn't have any kids then I really wouldn't mind.

Your call. This is how it is and it won't change, not now, not when you have kids.

Are some of you missing where he said he'd go home monthly but it's now weekly?!

She didn't say that

Where does she say it's weekly?

He talked about how he would obviously go home less and build a life together here - he said he would maybe go home once a month.

This got the OP on the hook, which lead to:

He started going home every two weeks but now sometimes goes home almost every weekend as there is always something on that he has to go to at home.

He said a while ago, he was going to go home every 2nd weekend for a start, meaning he would eventually go less, but then other things have cropped up, meaning he goes more often.

More often than every other weekend is going to be 3-4 in 4.

Hang on a minute. They've been together six months only. Imagine if the situation were reversed and the OP was posting that she currently goes back to her home town every weekend/every other weekend and after six months her partner, who told her he relished both having independence in the beginning, has now started saying that he thinks she should go home less and be spending more time with him? She'd be told he was controlling and that in six months time he'd be wanting her to ditch her family and friends back home in favour of him, to see it as a red flag and to get out now while she can.

If they get married/have children/live together in the future of course things will change. But after six months? Really?

Incidentally I can relate to being with someone whose job is so specialist that it is almost impossible to move. Many people can't because they've not been there but it does happen. My DP works in an industry that is extremely specialised, and there are only two companies in the country who does what he does and he works for one of them. Added to which, if the OP's bf has worked in his industry for a number of years it's not going to be as simple as just finding something else, and so often if there isn't a need/desire to move people don't think about these things until they're staring them in the face.

In my case we talked about moving in together not long after we got together several years ago, and talked about his having to find transferrable skills as he would need to move because I have DC here who have a relationship with their dad and are now in secondary. Now we're five years on and the realisation has dawned that the kind of work he does doesn't offer transferrable skills as he's worked there for over twenty years and now in his 50's its almost impossible to be taken seriously if wanting to change jobs to an entirely different skill set. we've been together for five years, and the reality is that I won't likely be able to move for at least another five years, assuming I can sell my house and find work in my own right in the town he lives in as I'll be heading towards my 50s myself by then.

So now we have to think realistically about whether we actually just keep the relationship as it is now where we see each other at weekends or whether at some point we'll have to face the fact that we want more for ourselves and each other and call it quits.

OP think about this all now. You're unreasonable to start expecting him to spend less time with his family, however if his job is that niche that moving is almost impossible, then you need to think about whether this is the town you want to live in for the rest of your life if you're going to marry him and have children with him. Think about your own aspirations for the future before you've made plans you realise some time down the line can never come to fruition.

OP I've lived this life for almost 8 years. It's finally ended.

It's a life that creates resentment on both sides as it requires big compromises and big sacrifices.

It's not possible for one person to do all the running /traveling... life gets in the way. When both of you have tough times.... the ones that really knock the stuffing out of you. It's possible, both might face them alone.

6 months is still early days. You have to decide what lifestyle you want and what your willing to compromise on. And you have to go on his actions. His heart is where his family is... Like yours is. He logically might want to make that break from home and settle where work is but his heart is pulling him home.

Imagine if the situation were reversed

She'd be told exactly the same. If the OP were committed to going home every weekend, she could hardly expect to set up a family with her partner. I'd also suggest that she wasn't that committed, or that if she was she would have to cut down her visits in the future. (Once a month say)

It's one thing doing this at 6 months because you've not been in the relationshop long enough to give it up. But quite another when there signs that his pattern will never change - given his age and the same issue with his ex. He may never alter this pattern even if they did commit and have kids and OP needs to look realistically at that. Which she is.

Thank you for all the posts.

In terms of my situation, I worked abroad for years and was thinking of going back again for a while as I love to travel but when I met him, I agreed to stay here to be with him and I am happy to do that as it's my home and my family are here too.

I think people are right in saying that it's how he is and he won't change. I think he wants to believe he will when we are living together and more committed, and early on in the relationship, he also probably did intend on going home less, but I think when it actually comes down to it, he wants to keep going home.

I know a couple of people have said that I am unreasonable to expect him to spend less time with his family. I know how important family is -mine is also so important, but I think a 40 year old going home almost every weekend to his mother's house is excessive. As we only see each other several evenings during the week after work, we never get to do the enjoyable dinners/evenings out etc much anymore, as he is almost always gone on weekends-Friday straight after work until very late Sunday night, so I see him Monday at the earliest.

I have spent more weekends with his family than he has spent weekends here.

I think its time to realise that that's where he wants to be. If I put pressure on him, he will probably stay up more but will lead to resentment.

You like to travel and he goes to his family and home town every weekend. You are not compatible. He is not giving up anything for you even in the early stages of your relationship. He will not change.

I think you need to sit him down and get him to think about all of this. I agree pressuring him will lead to resentment and he won't understand why. So explain it.

I'd point out that he's 40 years old, running back to his family every weekend suggests he's never really cut ties with them. Being close is good, but this is really odd. On current form you have serious doubts that this relationship is going anywhere. Does he really want another relationship to fail on this basis? Does he want a relationship? Or does he want to stay committed to his family? Is he just going to stay single for good and keep going home?

Many people don't live where they would choose to due to work and finances, but they suck it up and embrace what is good about were they are. York is beautiful city, uni town, lots going in, lovely countryside round about. It's not as if it's the arse end of nowhere. It sounds as if he's never really invested in his life in York and actually tried to make a life for himself there. Which makes him doubly dependent on home.

Ultimately, he's got to make his choice.

OP, I had to reply as your boyfriend sounds a tad like my DP and you sound a bit like me!

I don't have much more to add apart from echo what others have said.

My DP is very attached to his family, and they are even more so to him. When he used to stay at my flat in the city 30 miles away at the weekends, they'd say to me ' you've taken my baby boy/little brother away/ you're isolated now/ you've moved away' even though he was in his 30s and it was only a 40 min drive down the road!
He is from quite a big family who live in each others pockets. His brothers have both married homely women. I'm the odd one out for sure...not homely at all and have enjoyed 'galavanting' and particularly living completely alone when I was younger! Anyway, I digress, the saving point to our relationship was that DP was prepared to put being in a relationship over being walking distance from his family. We still see them often all the bloody time but they don't take over our lives. This man must realise that he has to sacrifice going home so much if he wants a proper relationship with you.

I personally do not think you are unreasonable at all, in fact you have been very caring and patient. In my opinion, rushing to your hometown every weekend when you are 40 is not completely normal behaviour.
You really need to talk to him and see if you can come up with a compromise where you are both satisfied. However, it sounds as if he will not bend easily. I wish you luck! x

Thank you very much for the advice, last two posters.

What you have both said is absolutely true. Its definitely time for a talk, and if things don't change, I suppose as hard as it is, it's better to end things, rather than things only becoming worse.

The relationship is on his terms.
It's making you sad and frustrated because you will be the one making all the compromises.
He tells you that he loves you but you are not his number one priority and your gut feeling is that he is not going to change.
He may try to change but in the end he likes to do his own thing and that is probably why he is still single.

Being madly in love and incompatible are not mutally exclusive. It’s time to accept that for all his good qualities, this particular characteristic is probably a deal breaker for you. He’s not broken and doesn’t need ‘fixing’, he’s just not on the same page as you and the whole point of dating is to find out if you are or could be.

He is a grownup baby. Find someone else.

If he is not staying put at the weekends and it is effectively still the honeymoon phase of your relationship it signals that 'he is just not that into you.' At this stage he should be more interested in being loved up with you at weekends rather than rushing off home to his family.

I feel his setup makes it impossible for him to ever commit to someone.He is compartmentising his life..Mon to Thurs is girlfriend, Fri to Sun is family.
I don't see how he can change as he doesn't want to.What might be reasonable when you are establishing your career in late 20s has become a way of avoiding commitment.Who would have children with a man who will never be around at weekends?

It doesn't surprise me that his parents don't have a good relationship.I think he's unavailable and that also explains why he's so lovely all the time..he never gets to be real with romantic relationships as he doesn't fully integrate his life.

When you meet someone you are serious about you do adjust and make changes to your life even if they are gradual. I remember exh used to have a lads night out every Saturday but over a period of six months he would have the odd night in or out with me until eventually he didn't want the lads night out at all and he only went occasionally over the years. That was perfectly normal for all his mates too.

The fact your bf is 40, you have been together 6 months and he is going 'home' more than ever suggests he does not want to be in a serious committed relationship with you.

Actions speak louder than words and his talk doesn't correlate to his walk, which means it's time for you to.

I feel his setup makes it impossible for him to ever commit to someone.He is compartmentising his life..Mon to Thurs is girlfriend, Fri to Sun is family

Yep and its not clear whether this is cause or effect. Can he not commit because of the setup or does have this setup because he to avoid commitment.

He's at a crossroads in his life and he can either cling to his old family or create a new one. The latter requires courage and a leap of faith. His attachment to his old family may prevent him moving forward.

It's possible that he's just not that into the OP despite the relationship going well on the surface. But tbh it sounds more like a problem with relationships in general than with the OP in particular.

I'm not sure this would be a deal-breaker for me but it has to work two ways. So yes he might get the time to go 'home' but you should also be free to travel when you want - you sound very independent so I'm guessing you would be happy to go off on an adventure on your own or with friends?

My second thought is if/when you have children his priorities will change - he will have a family with you and that is where he will want to be.

Third thought - my DP started working away from home in the week about 5 years into our relationship. It was bliss!

And finally ... once they get to know you perhaps his family could come over and see your home.

I personally think it's great he is so committed to his wider family and it shows a good side of his personality and those qualities of loyalty and kindness (as per his DM) are ones you can rely on in your future.

You've spent more time on the weekend with his family than you have on your own as a couple in York?

And he's running home every week for the ENTIRE weekend?

This is not a relationship. This is mid-week shagging. He's never going to build a life independent of his family with you - he's investing nothing, time-wise!! You seem like someone who values her freedom too much for this type of pandering. You don't wamt to be sitting having tea in his mum's living room every bloody weekend - you should be going to exhibitions, lunch out shagging all morning then breakfast in bed, doing the weekly shop - from the sublime to the mundane you should be doing it together - and making plans for the future!!!

This isn't going to happen