whats the general opinion on lap dancing bars?

[howdoifeel]

I'm upset. My DH and me had an alcohol fuelled conversation last night, some truths came out, we had a laugh, had some lovely sex and fell asleep. Today I feel horrible. I can't speak to him or look him in the eye, I practically ran away when he came near me.

He told me he has been to lap dancing bars. Now, I don't actually have a problem with that. I sometimes watch porn with him, I find it amusing and funny and it gets us both horny . I don't really see the harm in men watching girls with gorgeous bodies dancing. I don't really see it as a betrayal or that something is wrong within a relationship.

He travels a lot with work and holds a senior position. I know it comes as part of the package to entertain and be entertained and when it gets late the party might end up in a casino and you might have to bet some cash you would not normally do or visit a lap bar where you might not normally go.

So why do I feel sick?
Why do I feel hurt?
Why do I feel disgusted with him that he's had girls boobs in his face while I've been sleeping or walking the floor with our children?
How can I get this sorted in my head?

He has gone out briefly so I don't have long and my post might not make sense.

Am I overreacting?
In shock?

My already slightly waning confidence has been shattered.

oh poor you. it would make me really, really uncomfortable too. it's just not ideal, is it. but then who really has ideal? that's bed news about your confidence, though, can you get help to work on that?

bad news. not bed news.

Thanks for replying. I'm all sixes and sevens. I want to run out and kiss the face off the first attractive man who'd have me. Its not ideal, but you are right, nothing is perfect and I we have a strong relationship and I know he has never done anything worse than that. He is a cautious man and an honest one.

snort at bed news

My instinct here is that you are a bit hungover and that you will feel ok later on. He is honest and that counts for a lot.

How can I stop myself bursting into tears? I have been struggling to hold them back all day.

Thanks. Have you lost your Veneer? Or do I have you muddled up with another poster?

oooh, don't. burst. you've been disappointed, hurt, had a shock, you need to let it out. and you're a bit hungover, too.

I wish I could chat more but I have to go for the moment. Thank you x.

If you don't have a problem with lap dancing bars then why are you so upset?

He has not been unfaithful, or betrayed you, he has been honest.

Does he just go to the bars or does he have a private dance do you know?

I think you are feeling a little fragile and possible over reacting. Sory you feel so bad though.

He has had private dances and sometimes he just has late night drinks in the bar with the people he is with. I don't know why I am upset? I'm running that question round my own head too.

Explain to hi how you feel.
That you are shocked.
Not angry.
I would be bewildered.
I think men see it a s equal to watching a porn film, just entertainment.
The men i work with go regularly after a night out drinking.
they see it as a laugh.
I can never get my head round it though.

Oh they don't all have gorgeous bodies. I've seen them all waiting outside our local lapdancing place at 7pm for the manager to let them in. Some of them are downright ugly and, dare I say it, fat?

Lapdancing isn't like when you see it on the telly... all glamour. I reckon its just a bit seedy.

No threat to you at all I'm sure!

I dont really have any issues with them myself but I might feel different if my DH was in one every friday night.

As it goes, yes he has been in one or two over the years, stag parties etc, and it still doesnt bother me.

I see them (or at least the one near us) to be lots of silly drunken men paying cash to lovely girls who are having a laugh at their expence.

Im sure you wont be as bothered by it in time though.

Thanks, I'll be back when I can.

He's been to Stringfellows and Spearmint Rhino where some of them are like supermodels (according to DH) and some cheaper places where they are fairly seedy (according to DH).

my opinion theyre seedy , tacky and cheap!!! well !!!!

I think they are naffo. Expected for stag nights and the like but I wouldn't be happy with regular visits.

Like you, I'm not really sure why as he isn't actually touching the women and it's only the same as looking at pictures really. Isn't it???? Hmmm..

Well, several mates of mine work or have worked in these bars: it's good money (on the whole - at least, better than the equivalent hourly rate for shelf-stacking/burger-flipping/clerical work). And watching strippers (whether in a lap-dancing bar or going to see a Full Monty tribute with your mates) is not the same as having sex with a nother person when one is supposedly an a monogamous relationship.

However, what I don't like (and sorry for a potential thread hijack here) is trips to strip clubs done as corporate entertainment. What do they expect their female executives to do by way of corporate entertaining? Or is it, quite siply, that the companies that do this don't promote women beyond the level of tea-lady?

There seems to be a general trend at the mo towards the normalisation of the porn industry and I feel deeply uncomfortable with it. Much of it is misogynistic in a lot of ways, and , well, it's all just a bit unneccessary and teenager-ish. Naffo is a good word for it GDG!

So I think I see where you're coming from. It is not completely harmless imo, although the (male dominated) media seems ever more keen on convincing us that it is. They had pole dancing classes as "fitness classes" on the news the other day fgs.

I used to think I was a prude so didn't argue this publicly. But that's probably another symptom of the trend I'm talking about.

Liking sexually-explicit material isn't solely the preserve of men: lots of couples view porn together and enjoy it (as shown by a variety of posters on here). Sexism remains a huge problem, but sexually-explicit material is not the force behind sexism, it's the other way round. Superstition, patriarchy, exploitation, etc find all sorts of ways to keep women down: porn is not the main one.

sorry but i reafd the thead title as lap dancing bears

oops sprry - i posted before reading the OP.....sorry for being tactless

I didn't say it was the main way of keeping women down. I didn't even say all porn was misogynistic - just that a lot is, and that the normalisation of it certainly is. Looking at porn with your partner is one thing, having to explain to your daughter why all the women in the magazines have no clothes on is entirely another

you feel upset. so cry. dont hold it in or it will stew.

you feel so bad coz you feel threatened. its ok to say it. in fact, if you do, it will take the sting out of it and you wont feel threatened anymore!

think about it and you'll realise that your reaction is totally human, and therefore forgivable (so forgive yourself) and also unnecessary (those girls are NOT a threat to you)