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Original poster

whats the general opinion on lap dancing bars?

125 replies

howdoifeel · 08/04/2007 12:05

I'm upset. My DH and me had an alcohol fuelled conversation last night, some truths came out, we had a laugh, had some lovely sex and fell asleep. Today I feel horrible. I can't speak to him or look him in the eye, I practically ran away when he came near me.

He told me he has been to lap dancing bars. Now, I don't actually have a problem with that. I sometimes watch porn with him, I find it amusing and funny and it gets us both horny . I don't really see the harm in men watching girls with gorgeous bodies dancing. I don't really see it as a betrayal or that something is wrong within a relationship.

He travels a lot with work and holds a senior position. I know it comes as part of the package to entertain and be entertained and when it gets late the party might end up in a casino and you might have to bet some cash you would not normally do or visit a lap bar where you might not normally go.

So why do I feel sick?
Why do I feel hurt?
Why do I feel disgusted with him that he's had girls boobs in his face while I've been sleeping or walking the floor with our children?
How can I get this sorted in my head?

He has gone out briefly so I don't have long and my post might not make sense.

Am I overreacting?
In shock?

My already slightly waning confidence has been shattered.

OP posts:
DeviousDaffodil · 08/04/2007 15:15

I just started a thread about pop videos.
Porn i becoming so main stream and young girls are growing up thinking that making a livling by stripping down to your thong and jiggling your bits is an Ok way to make a living.
Every female pop star is half naked or more in her video.
Lap dancing is par for the course on a lads night out.
I find it really worrying.

PinkTulips · 08/04/2007 15:59

trust me, there's nothing sexy about a lap dance.

it's a girl dancing for a guy she cares nothing about and is secretly laughing at. and the majority of guys who go in for them see them as a bit of a laugh and can barely keep a straight face.

trust me is you dp was one of the creepy turned on ones you'd hve seen other signs in him by now!

lazyemma · 08/04/2007 16:15

PinkTulip - I think you're being a bit naive if you honestly believe that most men go to lapdancing clubs for "a bit of a laugh". Not that I'm condemning men who are into that kind of thing, but if having a laugh was the only motivation, there are quite a few more obvious choices for a night out than watching a woman take her clothes off for money.

adath · 08/04/2007 16:17

Can't speak for Spearmint Rhino but stringfellows as much as it is full of half naked women it is not like a lapdancing club you see on telly with all the men sat around leering at a catwalk of pole dancers with pert boobies bobbing in their face. Stringfellows is like any other club but with boobs really. It is full of a mix of people hen nights stag nights groups of males and females.

I think your reaction is perfectly normal but I also think your raction is based on the media image of these clubs we see on the telly. I think you also summed it up that you are at home in bed or pacing the floor with a baby while he is out living it up and maybe a bit of envy at that is creeping in. I think it is also that he has told you now not come home from a business trip and said oh guess what I was in a lapdancing bar this week ha ha it has become a bit of an issue because it has come out after the event and them seems like an issue.

If something bothers you it is not silly no matter how it may seem because if it bothers you it is important.

adath · 08/04/2007 16:20

And I have to say to that I am far from naive myself but I agree with tulips. I have been to see male strippers for a laugh not to get myself turned on by them.
It is a bit of a laugh a bit of excitement a bit of something out of what is daily life.

Yes there are some that get off on it but there are some that get off on Wilma Flintstone as well.

lazyemma · 08/04/2007 16:26

Again, I think there's more at work here than just pure entertainment, even when women pay male strippers. How can you argue there isn't? Seems fairly obvious to me = low lighting, naked, oiled bodies, gyrating crotch in face; there's a sexual thing going on. If it's just about fun, people go - I dunno - bowling, or to the cinema or something.

I've never gone to see a male stripper anyway. I find the whole spectacle faintly embarassing for everyone involved.

PinkTulips · 08/04/2007 16:26

lazyema... i'm speaking about my former profession so i know exactly what goes on.

yes some men go to be turned on but these are a seperate class of customer to the lads who come in as groups.... most of them find the whole thing so ridiculous they can't stop laughing and only get a dance because they're goaded into it by their friends and spend the whole dance looking embarressed and trying to hold back laughter.

the ones who get off on it come on their own..... who wants the lads around when you're getting off?

lazyemma · 08/04/2007 16:32

apart from that, I agree with you adath. I think the main issue is that the OP is bothered by lapdancing clubs. I don't think it means anything sinister that her partner has visited them, by any means, but she's clearly not happy about it and I don't blame her.

lazyemma · 08/04/2007 16:35

Naive was the wrong word - disingenuous, then. There's more going on than "having a laugh". There obviously is. As I said, if it was just about that, there are like a willion other ways to spend your Friday night that don't involve looking at naked women dancing. I'm sure some men do find the whole thing embarassing - I equally understand that public humiliation (men being goaded into it by their mates) is often also the order of the day, but when it comes down to it, lapdancing is about sex, and it's dishonest to claim it's not remotely about that.

adath · 08/04/2007 16:37

I can assure you that on the few occassions I have gone to mail strip shows there has been nothing particularly sexual about it.
I think it is you who is a little naive actually.
Yes there are naked oiled bodies girating in your face but it is comical more than anything actually. It is a bit out of the norm and maybe even a bit naught but actually not sexual. It is a bunch of women/men having a bit of a giggle.

The thing that makes this fun is that yes naked bodies are seen as sexual things so by going to these things it is i don't know a bit risque but certainly not a turn on.

No offence but if you have not actually seen this in the flesh so to speak you are not really in a position to say whether it is sexual or not. The people opposing your opinion here are either people who have done the job or who have seen the show so do have some kind of experience to draw from.

adath · 08/04/2007 16:39

Do you know what it is???
Going to a strip show is like watching a charicature rather than actually someone taking their clothes of for sex. It is exaggerated to the point it stops being sexy.

northerner · 08/04/2007 16:41

Women watching male strippers is entirely different to men watching female lap dancers. Men are visual and therefore get turned on, maybe not whilst in teh bar in a group but deffo when having a private dance, why else pay for one?

I went to my local lap dancing club with dh for his birthday and a group of friends. It was certainly an eye opener. Don't think any of the men were there for a laugh though.

Private dances are a different ball game though, they are what teh dancers want and they prey on all the men showering them with compliments, boosting their egos, hoping to make them part with their £50 or whatever for a private dance. These men think, blimey, this girl (probably called Angel or something) likes me and they feel flattered.

There is no touching as the man sits on his hands, but I do know that bare fanjo often gets rubbed accross faces.

DeviousDaffodil · 08/04/2007 16:41

Male strippers are not sexy at all. chippendales anyone (barf)
But I would imagine men get turned on by femlae strippers?

lazyemma · 08/04/2007 16:42

I think it's glaringly obvious, staring-you-in -the-face self evident that stripping is about sex, or the promise of it. It might also be: funny, embarassing, bawdy, farcical, stupid, or whatever, but at its root it's about sex. As I said - I don't think there's anything wrong with that, and I don't think that watching a stripper = being unfaithful, but come on! Why can't we be honest about this.

NorksBrideAtEastertide · 08/04/2007 16:57

I'd be pissed off if my DH went to a lapdancing bar because it would undermine some of the qualities in him that I value most - intelligence and not following the crowd, for example.

And my social history is too good for me to write off 'paying people to strip naked for a laugh is OK' because it has been, and often continues to be, such an abused industry.

HDIF - I'm sorry you're feeling unconfident. You probably do need a good cry and you will need to talk to your DH about it. I hope you feel better about this soon.

adath · 08/04/2007 17:07

Lazy no-one is being dishonest we are speaking from our own experiences. Yes a strip is supposed to be about the promise of sex but it is farcical it is a bit naughty and a bit of a laugh but it is not a turn on. I am sure men having a private dance do get a bit tingly about it but I think there is a huge difference between a bit of excitement than being sexually aroused.

I also think the men stupid and naive enough to actually believe that these women like them probably are either like I said really stupid or a bit pervy anyway. For most men it is about a bit of fun a bit or ego massage not about getting your jollies.

PinkTulips · 08/04/2007 17:49

lazyemma, like i said... of course there are men there who see the whole charade as a sexual turn on and get off on it, but as a rule these men don't come in once in a while as part of a group. they are there several nights a week on their own.

like adath so eloquently said... it's a caricature of sex not anything real or tangible. these men are going to receive no sexual favours from the girls and the girls are laighing their asses off while they rake in the cash.

i can practically guarantee that if HDIF's dh came in as part of a group of lads from a work do there was nothing truely sexual about the experiance.... no more so than seeing a naked woman on the cover of a magazine or a billboard of a semi nude model..... it might be a 'sexy' image but it's untouchable and there is no intimicy to the experiance

HDIF... have you ever gone to see a movie because an actor you find attractive is in it? it's a bit of a rush to watch him and fantasise and vaguely naughty but it doesn't mean anything and doesn't impact your relationship in any way.

at it's worst going to a strip club is akin to that, more often it doesn't even rate that high

northerner · 08/04/2007 18:56

Pink Tulips, you speak alot of sense. You seem to know alot about it. Do you have first hand expereince as it where?

WideWebWitch · 08/04/2007 19:07

I'm with senora, Norksbride and deviousdaff on this.

I would have a major problem with my dh doing this, for all the reasons mentioned. But he wouldn't do it.

Sorry your confidence is low hdif. In your position I'd explain to my dh how I felt.

PinkTulips · 08/04/2007 20:26

8 months when i was 18 northener. i started out working behind the bar and got sick of the girls tipping me more than i'd earn in a whole night while being better protected from the punters by the bouncers!

PregnantGrrrl · 08/04/2007 20:29

DP and i went to one a few years ago. it was pretty high-end (no pun intended) and lap dances were private and optional. we just had a few drinks and watched the stage. it was good fun, we stayed an hour or so, then went shopping.

I'd go again.

tinkerbellhadpiles · 08/04/2007 20:35

I read in the Independent that 1 in 10 men use prostitutes. Would you feel better or worse if he was one of them?

chocolateface · 08/04/2007 21:03

Poor you!
Would you have prefered it if he'd never told you?
I think you need to let your DH know how you feel, but be calm about it, as you don't want him to never tell you what he's been upto again.
I don't mind my DH going to see lap dancers on stag nights, but wouldn't be happy about him doing it regularly.
You've got to focus on the situation he was in when he went there, he wasn't going in a seedy sort of way, IYSWIM.
I think you feel so bad because you've been at home with your C's while he's been entertaining and entertained.

amijee · 09/04/2007 19:55

Perhaps your feelings are coming from the fact that you watch porn together and this he has been doing on his own and you didn't know about it.

My dh and I used to go to lap dancing clubs regularly before ds was born and it was fun. Not at all seedy ( high end I guess) and a reasonable number of women were there to visit.

However, if dh told me mths after an event he had done such and such, I would be upset about the fact he didn't tell me at the time.

nickytwotimes · 09/04/2007 20:01

i can't believe some of you guys think the objectification of women (or any human being - i'd feel the same if it was men) is acceptable!!!!
i don't buy all that bullshit about how lap dancing can be empowering for women.
if my dh ever went to one, i would be a)very surprised and b)disgusted with him.