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Original poster

whats the general opinion on lap dancing bars?

125 replies

howdoifeel · 08/04/2007 12:05

I'm upset. My DH and me had an alcohol fuelled conversation last night, some truths came out, we had a laugh, had some lovely sex and fell asleep. Today I feel horrible. I can't speak to him or look him in the eye, I practically ran away when he came near me.

He told me he has been to lap dancing bars. Now, I don't actually have a problem with that. I sometimes watch porn with him, I find it amusing and funny and it gets us both horny . I don't really see the harm in men watching girls with gorgeous bodies dancing. I don't really see it as a betrayal or that something is wrong within a relationship.

He travels a lot with work and holds a senior position. I know it comes as part of the package to entertain and be entertained and when it gets late the party might end up in a casino and you might have to bet some cash you would not normally do or visit a lap bar where you might not normally go.

So why do I feel sick?
Why do I feel hurt?
Why do I feel disgusted with him that he's had girls boobs in his face while I've been sleeping or walking the floor with our children?
How can I get this sorted in my head?

He has gone out briefly so I don't have long and my post might not make sense.

Am I overreacting?
In shock?

My already slightly waning confidence has been shattered.

OP posts:
PinkTulips · 09/04/2007 20:26

trust me nicky...... there was not a second in the job i felt 'objectified'

the dancers are the ones in control. and for someone like me who doesn't have issues with nudity (i go topless at the beach too) i found it hilarious that men would actually pay me money to dance around drunk and topless it was pretty much being paid for having a night out but i had lovely big bouncers to mind me

nickytwotimes · 09/04/2007 20:55

pinktulips, i believe you entirely, but i take issue with you on 2 counts. first, being topless or naked is not the same as dancing in a sexualised way in front of another person who is instigating the act. secondly, many women working in jobs like stripping, porn, etc are definitely not empowered! lots ofpeople i have met in my previous incarnation as a support worker for a women's charity have been survivors of childhood sexual abuse. i am not for a minute saying that all lap dancers are, but i would say a significant number are.
i am glad it was not an unpleasant experience for you, but for many women it perpetuates an image of themselves as valuable only in terms of their sexuality. i also think it is degrading to men, btw

expatinscotland · 09/04/2007 20:55

I'd be pissed off at hte waste of money they are.

PinkTulips · 09/04/2007 21:18

lol expat... that's the only reason i'd be annoyed at dp... bloody rip off

nicky, i agree there are some areas of the business that are exploited, i was very lucky in the paticular club i worked in that there was nothing exploititive going on. we got half the money we earned without question and all the girls who needed it were housed in company housing and provided with taxi services in and out of work for safety. alot of the girls were foreign nationals coming over to earn money to send home to their families. others were women who'd made a career out of the job and were traveling the world to earn as much money as possible before retiring from the job.

i worked with girls who hade homes in several countries and thousands saved.

i'm not naive, there are seedier elements to the business but it's not universal.

as for the dancing sexually... you should have seen how i danced with my gay friends when out clubbing... far worse than anything i did at work

nickytwotimes · 09/04/2007 21:27

pink, i am glad we are able to have a difference of opinion on here without it being nasty. sometimes i am scared to say what i really think in case it ends up getting mean, like i have seen some threads!

PinkTulips · 09/04/2007 21:28

no fear of that with me nicky... i have no illusions that the whole world shares my opinions on things and i love a proper discussion

Original poster
howdoifeel · 10/04/2007 12:10

Thank you girls, all your posts are helpful. PinkTulips especially good to hear your views. I'm not finished posting on this thread I just haven't had the moment I can do it yet. Will later. Thanks again.

OP posts:
ipanemagirl · 10/04/2007 12:18

I think it's hard to judge any one else's relationship. What one couple finds perfectly acceptable can be destructive to another couple as far as I can see.

It would not be acceptable in my relationship with my dh - but he shares my views about exploitation of women/objectification of women and the connection of those two things to misogyny.

I think the most important thing is to tell him how you feel - what happens next is up to the two of you to find what works best.

lazyemma · 10/04/2007 12:24

"i can practically guarantee that if HDIF's dh came in as part of a group of lads from a work do there was nothing truely sexual about the experiance.... no more so than seeing a naked woman on the cover of a magazine or a billboard of a semi nude model"

This is silly! Why do lapdancing clubs exist at all, if there's no real difference between going to one and seeing a naked woman on the cover of a magazine? You're contradicting yourself. One minute, you're saying how funny it is that men would pay you lots of money to dance around drunk and topless. On the other, you're saying the lapdancing experience is no different from looking at a magazine. Which sort of begs the question: why did you get paid so well to do it?

I don't understand why we can't call a spade a spade here.

mylittlestar · 10/04/2007 12:26

I have been in exactly the same situation as you and reading your op was exactly how I felt when I found out the same thing a couple of years ago.

In hindsight it was the fact that he'd gone in secret that bothered me a lot. (Owning up after the event wasn't good enough!). The fact that I thought he got some pleasure out of it that perhaps I couldn't give him. And also the fact that I'd never been so had no idea what it was really like - whether it was full of beautiful naked women and he'd come home and look at me and I couldn't possibly compare....

He said it was a bit seedy, a bit uncomfortable, generally a bit embarrasing really. But that's hard for a woman who's never been to understand. And if it's that bad why do they go in the first place?!

Looking back that was partly a confidence issue on my part. And I was upset at him doing something like that without me knowing.

But we've now agreed that he won't go again due to the way it makes me feel.

Not sure if I'm completely irrational in feeling the way I do. But at the end of the day I don't want a naked woman dancing for my husband. And I can't change the way I feel about that.

SidtheKidsMum · 10/04/2007 13:57

I don't think you're over-reacting. I'd be angry for a lot of reasons. And all that money your DH spends on a bunch of silly women. Dancing for strangers for money is a shocking thing to do. I can see that it earns the women a lot of money and that they say that they can laugh at the saddos sat there but, really, just who is it who's actually winning that one? It's the boy's with the cash to splash and you get it if you take your clothes off and wriggle around or dry-hump the guy. A really, really pathetic way to earn a living.

If I thought for one moment that my DH was twatting about in tit bars while I comforted my baby in the middle of the night I'd make him dance. He'd have to dodge bullets. It's a power trip for your husband and all his business men buddies. All a bit pathetic. And telling you about it was cruel.

Londonmamma · 10/04/2007 14:14

Howdoifeel

You feel how you feel: sick, hurt, disgusted. It's how you feel. Don't ask whether you're overreacting!

I would feel EXACTLY the same.

lazyemma · 10/04/2007 14:18

I don't agree that the OP's husband was cruel to tell her he'd visited lapdancing bars. I'd rather there was complete honesty between me and my husband than that he felt he had to deceive me about stuff in order to protect me in some way.

And I don't agree that the dancers are "silly", or that dancing for strangers is a "shocking thing to do". It's not a career choice I'd make (not that anyone sane would pay to see me dancing naked at the moment) but I don't think there's anything necessarily demeaning about it, as PinkTulip's posts show.

kittypants · 10/04/2007 14:24

my dh has been once since we married.we were staying in london with my sister.bil jokingly said can i take him to the lapdancing place accross road tonight so i said yes,it was more of a joky have a laugh night rather than seedy,only part of deal was he had to be in by 11pm so me and my sister could go out!and he was honest about it,it wasnt a big deal.

nailpolish · 10/04/2007 14:26

havent read the thread

i used to work in a lapdancing bar
i was only the barmaid, thats all, honest

was the safest bar i ever worked in
loads of tips from punters

SidtheKidsMum · 10/04/2007 14:39

My definition of demeaning, in this context, is dancing in your underwear for cash. What is your definition of demeaning? Dancing in your underwear for free?

lazyemma · 10/04/2007 14:50

Take a read of PinkTulip's posts again - does she sound to you like someone who feels demeaned by her former profession?

For what it's worth, I think the question of whether lapdancing is inherently demeaning is entirely a matter of perspective. PinkTulip's argument is that she hasn't been harmed by her experience, it was a good earner for her whilst it lasted, she's not ashamed of what she's done. Who are you or I to tell her she should feel differently?

northerner · 10/04/2007 14:51

But you could ask alot of these girls if the feel demeaned and I bet you they won't.

Of course there are women in this industry who are exploited but I think the majority are strong, independant women who are doing it by choice.

I have seen married men get up to far worse on a drunken night out with out being in a lap dancing club.

SidtheKidsMum · 10/04/2007 15:02

We aren't going to agree on this! I think that paying for a pretty girl to dance for you is utterly pathetic. But also that there's way more to it. Women can't earn the same amount as men in so many jobs and they don't get promoted or given the same opportunities in any number of occupations, but you can earn a g-string full of fivers by pretending to be an object. How sad? How very 1970's.

northerner · 10/04/2007 15:05

These women might prefer to make their money this way as opposed to slogging their guts out in the city 6 days a week. Have you ever thought about that?

Nbg · 10/04/2007 15:12

But dont any of you think "why is my dh/dp going to these clubs"? Because I certainly would.

They are an individual. They dont have to go anywhere so why is he going at all?

I'd be livid with my dh if he was going there while I was at home looking after our children.
I'm not suprised you feel upset.

nailpolish · 10/04/2007 15:13

dh went to one when he was on a stag night

i think thats ok

i think i would feel different if he was going alone and sober though
after work etc, rather than coming home

nailpolish · 10/04/2007 15:13

men who go there dont HAVE to get a lap or private dance

it IS optional

Nbg · 10/04/2007 15:14

and I dont get that either.
Why do men go to these places on stag do's?

SidtheKidsMum · 10/04/2007 15:15

I can't help having strong opinions on this. I think it comes down to self-respect. It's an odd choice of job for an empowered, intelligent woman despite the opportunity of earning great greasy rolls of cash. But from what I hear, unless you're dancing Friday or Saturdays, it's not quite the money-spinner it's made out to be, which puts a slightly different light on it surely? Wriggling in your undies for a bit of cash, not wads. Go girls!