whats the general opinion on lap dancing bars?

[howdoifeel]

I'm upset. My DH and me had an alcohol fuelled conversation last night, some truths came out, we had a laugh, had some lovely sex and fell asleep. Today I feel horrible. I can't speak to him or look him in the eye, I practically ran away when he came near me.

He told me he has been to lap dancing bars. Now, I don't actually have a problem with that. I sometimes watch porn with him, I find it amusing and funny and it gets us both horny . I don't really see the harm in men watching girls with gorgeous bodies dancing. I don't really see it as a betrayal or that something is wrong within a relationship.

He travels a lot with work and holds a senior position. I know it comes as part of the package to entertain and be entertained and when it gets late the party might end up in a casino and you might have to bet some cash you would not normally do or visit a lap bar where you might not normally go.

So why do I feel sick?
Why do I feel hurt?
Why do I feel disgusted with him that he's had girls boobs in his face while I've been sleeping or walking the floor with our children?
How can I get this sorted in my head?

He has gone out briefly so I don't have long and my post might not make sense.

Am I overreacting?
In shock?

My already slightly waning confidence has been shattered.

A mum at ds's school has just found out her hubby has been shagging a woman at work for teh past 6 months, whilst she was at home looking after their kids and she has been very ill.

He is a bastard. Not some man who goes to a lap dancing club and tells his wife.

Not saying they are bastards at all.
Your missing the point.
Why do they go?
Whats the reason for it?

because men like to look at naked women

and all I'm saying is that is what I wouldnt be happy at and I find it strange that other women are happy for their partners to do that.

everyone is different nbg

i go to take that concerts and flash my tits

(welli did tne years ago dunno about this time round

I find it strange that other women take their hubby's back after afairs but some do.

Different strokes and all that.

i find it wierd when women go to Chippendales etc

yuk

I guess your right.
But I still dont get it

nbg..... your dp lets you go to take that concerts lusting after what's his name. how would you feel if he said he was uncomfortable with that and didn't want you to go?

no differance at all imo. that's why i wouldn't care

Notherner - you're probably strong-minded enough to not let your pleasures develop into addictions, many people are not.

Perhaps people don't want to accept that attendance at lap-dancing clubs makes it easier for men to make the transition to using prostitutes, but I really believe it to be true for some men and you can't always tell which ones by the state of their raincoat!!

Anyway, let's agree to disagree!

I dont mind them, I've been to Stringfellows & Spearmint Rhino's quite a few times.

Hillary - why?

Well, I dont know really, I'm Bi so I do enjoy the scenery, I've been with a partner and with friends.

Thanks to everyone who has been posting, it has helped me see all sides of the coin.

I chose a moment last night to chat to my DH. It didn't go very well.

I tried to explain that whilst I don't really have a problem with men going to lap dancing bars, I do have a problem with him going and not telling me about it. He got really angry and said I clearly do have a problem with him going. He said he was completely confused with my 'one minute its ok, the next its not' but I tried to say that was because we'd had a bit to drink and were having a laugh. He was angry that, in his words, given his comittment to our family, and the fact that it was ocassional, I would ever think it was anything more than a casual laugh.

I said that his reaction and the fact that he didn't tell me about it in the course of normal conversation showed me that he felt it was something to hide and that that made me feel inadequate, uneasy and worried.

I said that as someone who likes sex a lot and someone who would flirt with a goldfish I think flirting, admiring and fantasising about the opposite sex is totally healthy and essential. But that I didn't like the 'nudge, nudge, wink, wink, cats away, mice play' kind of attitude that I imagine goes along with these visits.

He remained angry with me, used my own words against me and said he couldn't believe I was making such an issue out of nothing. I tried to think of an equivalent situation for me to be in that would test how he would feel but I couln't. Male dancers are just nothing like the same thing.

It ended angrily with me in tears. Today he sent me a text saying sorry for last night.

I will try to speak with him again about it as I am damned if I will let this become an issue. As someone posted earlier, my problem with it is not the lap dancing its the secrecy. I will try to explain that I would like him to tell me if he's been (in work situations I mean, god I don't want him thinking this is a green flag to go willy nilly) and by doing so will reassure me all is well.

In the shower today it came to me that I do have an equivalent. I would ask him how he honestly would feel if I went on a MN meet up, had a whack to drink and ended up giving a lap dance (topless) to a man I picked out. Would he still feel that it was a casual laugh and nothing to make an issue out of? (Particularly if the truth didn't come out for 6 months.)

Maybe I am overreacting but I have only ever been brutually honest with him and I expect the same in return.

Thanks if you are still reading, I needed to talk this over, i bore myself sometimes

have to say that I was in Stringfellows with a work colleague after quite a bit to dringk and I had such a laugh

next MN meet up then?

He sent you a text to apologise - that's good. I think his anger suggests he knows it's not the right thing for him to be doing and getting angry and defensive is his way of trying to get you to drop the subject. Maybe it's hard for him to NOT go if it's an accepted part of his working culture. Just a thought, not an excuse for him - I've made it clear how I feel about these clubs. I think your trump card will always be 'HOW IT MAKES YOU FEEL', not any sort of discussion about the rights and wrongs. If he loves you and I'm sure he does, this will affect him.
Lots of love xx

Thank you for that Londonmamma. There is no right or wrong to the clubs, everyone has their opinion. I really appreciate being able to talk it out. Its not the kind of think you can blurt out to the neighbours with your children running at your feet It felt like a weight in my chest and I feel so much better for having ears on here. Thank you x.

HDF I hope you don't feel that I trivialised things. The work colleague I went with was a male and in fairness I had great fun telling my DH about the whole thing. Being female I doubt he really minded except the fact that I was out with a guy (totally, totally platonic let me assure you). Thing is I don't think he told his wife and doubt I would ever mention it in her company either.

No not at all, I'm happy to hear it all

howdoifeel i have not read the whole thread so maybe someone else has pointed this out but if i was you i would feel exactly the same but only because it seems that this has been hidden from you in the past, it would not bother me if i knew my husband was going to a lap dancing bar for a stag do etc and i would prob want to have a bit of a laugh about it when he got back but i would be really pissed of if he had been to them on several occasions and never told me, that would make me think he knew he was doing something that would upset me but decided to do it anyway and just keep quiet.

i to watch porn with my husband and have a good time doing it but thats because i feel in control of the situation i think i would be pissed of if i came accross a bunch of dvds i knew nothing about.

If I came home and found my husband had a semi/naked woman dancing in front of him in our living room I would be devestated. It wouldn't be any better if he said he had paid for it and wasn't allowed to touch anyway. So what is so much better about the idea of this happening somewhere else? Just bc it's in a bar is it really OK?
I know you have to put up with this on stag wekends etc, but it would not be OK with me outside those occasions.
I don't see what porn has to do with it either?

Great post SweetyDarling. Completely agree.

howdoifeel,

it sounds like you conducted yourself and the discussion extremely well and your dh probably needs time to reflect on it.

I think the key is honesty and communication - with those things you can get thru practically anything.

Good luck with sorting through it all - and maybe one day you coulg give him a private lap dance!!

ARRRGGHHHH - I get so mad at the thought of DH going to a lapdancing bar. He's been to one years ago when he was with his ex-girlfriend and had a private dance paid for him by his mates - he was very drunk and can't remember much about it. He's not been to one since he's been with me and he knows how much I hate the idea of him going, so he's promised me he'll never go.

Why is it then, that the idea of him going all those years ago WHEN I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HIM(!!) makes my blood boil? It doesn't bother me that he's slept with ex-girlfriends, yet this really winds me up. Maybe it's the fact that he paid for it?!

Anyway, all of his friends are now of the age where they're getting married, and they're all going to be going to lapdancing bars (I'm not so naive that I think he'll not go!) on their stag do's. What can I do to be ok with this? I feel so strongly about it that I've threatened to leave him if he ever had a private dance!! Help please!