Husband spying on me

[Crazycake]

Dh has been asking every day this week if there's been any parcels in the post, when I've asked what he's waiting for he's been very aloof. I went on the laptop yesterday (shared computer) and he'd sent an email to amazon asking where his parcel was. I have never had a reason to snoop but something didn't sit right. I put the link into the search bar in google and he's ordered what looks like a USB stick but it's a motion detector spy cam with sound. I don't know what to do!

Do you mean the parcel hasn't arrived or have you been checking with Amazon that the parcel hasn't arrived?

Crazycake

Do you have his passwords to his stuff?

I understand having nothing to hide, you should have his. Now a camera can fall under many categories of why to purchase one.
The fact he never said a word about this to you and then when he inquired on this parcel he still wouldn’t reveal what it was, would be a red flag to me.
Personally I would purchase a new phone and start new accounts with new passwords, just to cover all bases if you suspect he has spyware on yours.

Make sure you get it first. Sign for it. Then hide it.
When he contacts Amazon they will tell him you signed for it and he'll have to confront you.

Or you can just cut out the middle man and ask him why he ordered one.

I'm also wondering why you would assume your dh is planning to spy on you. It could be for lots of things so I'm guessing there's a back story here.

If you're worried, maybe look into how to work it so you're properly informed when it arrives?

It will have arrived and been deployed by now surely. Could he have had it diverted to his work place OP?

So, it arrived on Thursday! He faffed about with it when he got home and I left him to it. When I went upstairs it was flashing in the bedroom ( we have USB ports in the plug sockets) I asked him what it was and he said "oh it's just that USB for work"!! Later on I went in our study, saw the laptop, the USB was in the computer but he had something covering the light. I've seen the instructions and I think it was charging. I've not seen it since 😐 I'm going to have to have it out with him but really don't know where to start!

So is he planning on covertly filming you and posting it online?

You could always tell him you "accidentally" broke it but you bought him a replacement... while handing him an actual USB.

He actually left the instructions out on the desk in plain view, granted I rarely go in there but still! I've hidden the instructions tonight, he will definitely notice!

How long is this farce going to be dragged out for ?

Anyfucker I agree

Why not just hand him the instructions and ask why he bought it?

Agreeing with the last 3 posts. Also, could we have a weblink to the item on amazon? Just curious!

I can't imagine how weird and tense your house must be. Fucking get a grip, if you actually fully believe this then ask him out straight. Why dramatise everything.
Honestly how do people live like this?

Bloody hell, just ask him! Why all the drama, it’s ridiculous!

Op any normal dude would wave the instructions under their partners nose loudly exclaiming WTF just before they leave forever. He has lied about it so many times now and you have this in your lair house now. C'mon surely......

Op why havent you done anything.

This has been going on almost 2 weeks.

Its ridiculous

Why can't you just talk to him about it?

I came on here hoping for help! I've had to bide my time, he's very good at wriggling out of blame. I know it sounds like a cliche but I've had a horrific past and he saved me. For a good few years I've been in blissful happiness (ignorance). I know that this could be the end for us, I know it's twisted but I feel like once I've confronted him it'll be my fault that our marriage has ended, it'll be my fault in the eyes of the kids (I have 4, only 3 are his but they all adore him) this isn't as black and white as it my seem.

But you are as confident as you can be that he is using it against you or suspect this. If you suspect this and you know he is 'good at wriggling out of blame' you have no choice but totally re-assess the way you feel about the relationship OP. Continue to bide your time but once you know he has it plugged in and it is recording you then you must, for your own sanity, at least confront him. If confronting him ends it then it is the end of a very abusive relationship and whilst in the short term that will feel like hell, it is the right thing in the long run. You can't live your life with this in sort of crap in it OP. You will be driven nuts by this person that is meant to love you.
Have a really good look around to see if you can find any more evidence of gadgets and bad behaviour. This might be the tip of the iceberg, especially as he seems pretty lax in hiding it from you, this might be so normal to him he has become lax IYSWIM? If you had other concrete evidence of his abuse of you, you might feel less anxious about making a deal breaking move on his ass.

I think looking around for any evidence of other devices is a good idea. What is it that he might be wanting to film you doing? Does he want to catch you out speaking to other men, or is he after film of you dressing/undressing etc? Bathroom stuff? How old are your dc and could he be filming them?

This is serious stuff. I know you realise that, but you come across as someone who is used to being beholden to him - he saved you, the end of the marriage would be your fault and not his. That's not a good mindset to be in.

Oh Crazy, it's not your fault whatever happens.

I can see that you have a deep seated belief that this is all on you :( I recognise it, which is why

But I also know (now!) that it wasn't true for me, and it's not true for you either, however much it feels to be true.

When people said that to me, I found myself explaining how it's complicated, and I truly believed that Our Relationship was different, and that other people just Couldn't Understand.

I wouldn't have put it like that at the time, of course. But that's what was going on in my head, a genuine sense that it was all on me, and the critical choice was my fault alone. And if other people couldn't see it that way, it was just that they didn't really understand it, that our situation was so much more complicated and difficult and different.

And in many ways, that was true. But, not in the ways I was thinking. Definitely not.

Ringing any bells? It's ok whether yes or no btw :)

Anyway, if you can find any brain space free at this horrible time, please just start digging into this a bit more. I think it will help you.

There's a way of exploring stuff called 'laddering' which I think is useful at getting to the bottom of why we think the way we do. You question each 'rung' on the ladder, so you end up following back your belief to the root of it all. Also allows you to see why you feel the way you do and identify any steps in your thinking that are rather wobbly or you want to challenge...

So, start with 'if we split up, it's my fault', that's your first ring on the ladder. Next step up is 'because...', so you work out the end of this sentence 'if we split up it's my fault, because xxx' and then you step up another rung and answer the next 'because', and so on and on until you've got to the end of your 'ladder'.

It might give you some things to think about, maybe about these type of things:

• how much you take responsibility for things (more than you should, & more than you'd put on anyone else)
• how little you think your own self deserves
• how much of the fundamentals you can miss out on, and still expect yourself to live like that, and force yourself to 'be happy' without...

like love, respect, peace of mind, privacy etc

Anyway, sorry if that's not helpful, but hoping it is...

Crumbs never thought about him spying on the children

Please check round their bedrooms and bathrooms too

Check all the plug sockets but do you mean that once charged that it can film and record without power or computer/lap top

That is seriously hard to find

Can it be plugged into back of TV to record things going on around it?

Do you have anything like ALEXA or DOT? --- do these record what is being said around them or is it just listening?

Op if your husband has been fairly open about it by using it in front of you and leaving the instructions around do you think there is a possibility it is for work? I'm thinking maybe he doesn't trust something that is going on at work and wants to spy, or he thinks maybe his job is on the line?

I'm thinking if either of these were the case you would know about it, I would tell my partner if I had one but men are often strange and proud so he might not tell you?

Any luck finding it?