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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband spying on me

133 replies

Crazycake · 28/09/2017 11:06

Dh has been asking every day this week if there's been any parcels in the post, when I've asked what he's waiting for he's been very aloof. I went on the laptop yesterday (shared computer) and he'd sent an email to amazon asking where his parcel was. I have never had a reason to snoop but something didn't sit right. I put the link into the search bar in google and he's ordered what looks like a USB stick but it's a motion detector spy cam with sound. I don't know what to do!

OP posts:
JamboTam · 03/10/2017 18:32

Leave him, this is how it starts, privacy is sacrosanct

PoorYorick · 03/10/2017 19:04

The suggestions have me howling. But my favourite is the one that involved leaving. You can't live like this.

ParanoidBeryl · 03/10/2017 20:52

I'm a bit concerned for the OP.

If the H has been monitoring her he will more than likely have read this thread. Sad

JamboTam · 03/10/2017 21:07

Play him at his own game, set up cctv all over the house only received by your mobile, and hire a PI to obviously follow him for a few weeks

steve6188 · 04/10/2017 02:39

This reply has been deleted

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Dextersilver · 04/10/2017 06:57

Has it arrived? Are you ok? Are things at home ok? I hope all is well OP.

Dextersilver · 04/10/2017 06:59

Steve OPs husband? Is that you?

tsarista · 04/10/2017 11:57

Hoping OP is ok.

LoverOfCake · 04/10/2017 13:38

To the posters saying that it's hysteria to suggest that there are already spy devices in place in the OP's home, no it isn't. And even if this is the first attempt at spying on the OP, the fact here is that now that the OP knows that her h is planning to install a camera somewhere in the house to check up on her, and that knowledge alone is going to create a feeling of uncertainty and paranoia as to when and where she is being watched.

I wouldn't necessarily be worried that she hasn't come back. Chances are that she knows her h likely has keyloggers and/or remote access on her laptop so he can either watch her posts as they unfold or can download them at a later time to read.

Don't play games though. He is either spying because he's a creepy control freak, or because he believes he has good reason to spy. Let's not forget that on MN posters regularly advocate installing keyloggers/cameras etc to posters who suspect their husbands of cheating. If the OP's dh has got it into his head that the OP is having an affair he may have done exactly that. Either way, even on here, spying on someone in any context is out of order and if you've reached the point in your marriage of installing keyloggers and/or cameras in your house to catch someone out then the marriage is over because the trust has clearly gone. And when the spied-on person finds out then the trust will be gone on both sides.

So, no games. No dancing in front of the camera, no private detectives, but do let him know that you know. Change all your passwords from a computer he doesn't have access to. If the camera arrives open the parcel and just ask him outright what the hell it's for and why he lied to you.

These men think that they're impervious and untouchable. The reality is that they don't actually think that they'll be found out, so when they are it throws them completely.

My H spied on me I think now for the duration of our marriage. When we entered into the realms of having social media I think he found it much easier, and I trusted him so never changed my passwords so he found it easy to just log into every single one of my accounts and see what I was doing on them, not much as it turned out but he became obsessed. The more he didn't find, the deeper he had to go, until he had installed apps to follow me if I went out, had bugging devices in the house, remote access on the computers and the list goes on. But he got cocky. He would make reference to private conversations I'd had with people that he could only have known about by accessing password protected messaging on fb for instance. He would say something and then gaslight me into thinking that I'd told him what had been said, except he did it too many times and I became suspicious.

So one day when I knew he was at a work meeting I changed every single password by using a mobile phone he didn't have access to. It took me half an hour. Then I started using the computer for boring stuff only. No social media, no personal conversations, no discussions of any nature that would be grounds for checking with a keylogger.

And it drove him mad because I didn't say anything. Not a word. I just pretended as if nothing had happened, but after a week of not being able to access anything I said or did he came clean and admitted it, because he'd tried to access something and been unable, and then realised that all my passwords had changed seemingly all at the same time, so he knew that I had to have known.

At the time he blamed insecurities. But after that I never trusted him again and I was right not to. After that he bugged the house, had me followed, and when I found out I pointed out that even if we'd gone to counselling and tried to save the marriage, the thought of constantly being watched and listened to would mean that I would never again feel safe in my own home. Even after we got divorced I found out that he had several naked pictures of me taken by remote cameras when I was unaware which he'd kept over the years.

There is no valid reason for ordering a remote camera and not telling your partner about it. I would be getting my ducks in a row and making plans to leave. Because even if this is the first time, there is no way of knowing that, and no way of ever knowing which parts of your life are private and when you are being watched.

TheHuggyBuggy · 04/10/2017 13:41

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Crazycake · 04/10/2017 14:07

He's acting completely normal, it still hasn't arrived. I'm calm at the minute, not sure how I'll be once it arrives.

OP posts:
strartingtotry · 04/10/2017 16:05

Hmm seems abit odd that he's spying on you. And he so calmly said he just ordered a USB stick. What does the stock do? Is it just to get information from your computer?

Wontbedoingthatanytimesoon · 04/10/2017 16:13

It doesn't sound like its for you if im honest?

maybe he wants to record someone else? maybe a friends suspected their partner of having an affair.

does he have anyone in a care home he would want to record? I think he would of discussed this with you though.

maybe he wants to spy on someone at work? for his own knowledge, sexual pleasure.

does it record only sound and motion or camera?

possibly another man/woman ?

Wontbedoingthatanytimesoon · 04/10/2017 16:19

forgive me op but you have said in the past that you have had discussion about porn and suspected him of liking strip clubs.

I think he might like to watch things? possibly people who don't know they are being watched?

I really feel for you OP hugs x

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/10/2017 16:24

Worth a chat with a PI to be honest. They are pretty up on tech nowadays and could help you work out how much monitoring is already happening.

MusicToMyEars800 · 04/10/2017 16:27

MrsPicklesonSmythe Hi, would you mind if I pm'd you?

Haveyourcake · 04/10/2017 17:41

I'm finding this whole thread hilarious.

So your husband of 10 years, who you have always thought cares about you (with no evidence to the contrary) and whom you have a family with, has bought an item on Amazon. On an account that you have access to information on, and has chosen to get it delivered to YOUR house (you can deliver anywhere on Amazon). He has also mentioned it repeatedly to you to draw attention to it being delivered.
The item in question seems to be a USB stick with sound and video recording abilities that has a multitude of applications including being used for presentations, photos, dictaphone and videoing people. (Also this means he wasn't lying to you when he said it was a USB, right???)

Of course the obvious answer here is that he's planning to spy on you and you should leave him at once. Nevermind your children or 10 years of marriage. Change all your passwords and hire a PI.

Seriously, is this a joke? Can you hear yourselves? There are SO many more plausible explanations for what is happening here, I don't even know where to start.

TDHManchester · 04/10/2017 18:31

Does he think you are having an affair? I would never consider looking through a partners phone,bedside cabinet,handbag,car glove box ,,anything. It just wouldnt be right. People are entitled to their privacy and individuality without some predatory man breathing down their neck all the time. Change the password on your phone and tell him to fuck off next time he wants to browse it.

DinnaeKnowShitFromClay · 04/10/2017 18:41

My DH did this. It came and he set it up to record the gate and once it was in situ he showed it to me and went, 'Ta dahh'. It never occurred to me he would set it up to record me.
On the other hand..... you know him best. I suspect that if you think this about him, you might be wise to go further and by this I mean suspect that he is already recording you and this latest bullshit is a blind. Perhaps start looking for hidden cameras rather than waiting for a parcel that may now be diverted to his work address OP.

tsarista · 05/10/2017 11:49

Lover - that is chilling! 😳

category12 · 05/10/2017 13:33

There must be some backstory for you to immediately assume he's bought this to spy on you. I mean, the lying about what it is goes some way to support your conclusion, but there must be some serious issues in your marriage. The size of which would be enough to say LTB.

LetsSplashMummy · 05/10/2017 14:20

I would think he bought it as a sort of dictaphone or that he misunderstood spyware and thought this would work against whatever was wiping his computer (stuck the word spy into his amazon search), he is being normal and hasn't actually lied. It is a USB, he is getting it delivered to your house using an amazon account you can access. If my DH bought a USB, I wouldn't expect him to tell me all the features. Does he like gadgets in general?

I also know people who have bought things like this for watching their pets. Some people just like gadgets, they buy a fancy sounding thing before really thinking what they'll use it for and end up making videos of their guinea pigs.

Dextersilver · 05/10/2017 14:40

making videos of their guinea pigs.

I really hope he's doing this!! Grin

LifeinColour · 05/10/2017 17:39

Could have written this post last year, found amazon order for a spy cam disguised as a lighter. Am biased but I can't help thinking your husband is a secret voyeur too and will be using it to spy on women but I truely hope I'm wrong.. the only way you'll truly know is to wait and see and find the evidence but I hope you don't have to go down that road 😓

Haffiana · 05/10/2017 18:24

Are you sure it still hasn't arrived?

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