Best way to explain to husband that I don't like him pointing out which women he finds attractive?

[Tatiana1986]

Well, as per title really. He doesn't hold back when he sees someone attractive and it's really hurtful it makes me feel inadequate and even uglier than I already do.
He says finding other people attractive is normal and it doesn't mean he doesn't find me attractive. I can logically understand that but my heart sinks every time.

How could I put it to him without sounding unhinged? Thank you.

Shut him up even

Even if you had the perfect body he would still dehumanise you in some way...

Because he doesn't see women as people...

The 'lies' men like this tell women 'to get into their pants' aren't exclusively flattering things, they are whatever most effectively gives them control.

He is doing this thing of commenting on physical attributes because he knows it is the very thing you feel self conscious about. He is using it as his 'in' to get you, and to keep you, putting up with his crap, giving him sex and providing him with domestic services...

I post this regularly and it's absolutely true.

My father's love life was legendary in his seventies. He was never without a lady friend, he was never without a date or two. They were all ladies of his age group. He didn't see them as 'past it' in their sixties or seventies.

I'm sorry, but kids learn to do what they see, not what they do. Your daughter is learning that you have to do all you can to keep a man and a woman's only value is sex. Because that is what she sees, day in and day out.

I hope you are keeping her away from his son. He doesn't seem like he's going to get a clear message of 'no means no' and your daughter will have trouble saying no because at least if she's fucked she knows she has value.

I admire you and women like you who believe they are wanted even though they don't look perfect. I wish I could adopt this way of thinking but I would be lying to myself.

I'm guessing that your father was a piece of work, too. Which helped prepare you to be treated like dirt by your husband. If you stay with him, your DD will be the exact same way: believing that her value lies in how sexually attractive she is.

If you leave, you can work on developing your sense of self and sense of value beyond how your body compares sexually, and your DD will learn to be strong by watching you be strong. Then when her father tells her that all boys and men will just lie to her to get into her pants, you can explain that some men, like her father are like that, but other men are capable of thinking of women as work colleagues, friends, confidants, and so on, and that some men are honest and looking for an emotional connection as well as a physical one.

By the way, I'm in 50s and my DH is still very happy with me. I feel pretty, not in the same way that my young adult DDs are pretty, but in a mature way, with smile lines around my eyes and soft curves. We still have a great sex life. He also really values everything else that I bring to our life together.

What would you want your DD to do? Would you want her to stay with someone who made her feel bad about herself?

Op you only think like that because he's conditioned you into hating yourself.

It's his way of controlling you and stopping you from escaping.

He's keeping you an emotional prisoner.

I admire you and women like you who believe they are wanted even though they don't look perfect.
I don't just believe I am wanted. I know I am wanted. You think that all the imperfect people you see going round with their partners don't want one another? Weird.

Kick him in the balls.

What tealdeal said

Actually you could have a right laugh with this. I think it was the Mighty Boosh where they tease a character for having his eyes too close together, do. this. ' nice tits' 'yeah but she won't shag you, not with your eyes being too close together like that' do. it every time. Needs to be something that isn't actually true about him,so he can get REALLY paranoid about it. Sometimes just stare at him and murmur ' can't believe you don't mind about your eyes being like that' etc etc. Do it tillhis self esteem is on the floor. That'll stop him judging the women he sees. And make him so paranoid that he won't dare leave because he knows no one else will have him with his weird eyes.

Or don't.

Realise that this is what he is doing to you. Manipulative bullshit to keep you under the thumb.

Me and dh never do this , it’s rude!! My friends dh always does it and thinks it’s normal . Every single time I see him he says something about my physical appearance . He is a lovely guy but it’s a bit creepy to be honest ! Tell him to shut the fuck up about it !!!

What a wanker. No way would I want to be with someone like that but I appreciate it's harder to dump someone you live with, are married to and have children with than it is if you were single. That's not to say you should suck it up, far from it.

The problem with letching at attractive men in front of him to "teach him a lesson" is that if it honestly doesn't bother him as he says it won't, he will have even more ammo against your dislike of it. Better to put it bluntly and tell him that although you expect him to find other women attractive you don't expect him to verbalise it. Tell him you want him to keep his thoughts to himself and that if he doesn't he will be aware that what he's doing it upsetting you. You can then ask him why he keeps doing something he knows upsets you. That in good, healthy, respectful and loving relationships partners don't do that. Make him answer.

Tatiana, please, you are only 31! You are entering your prime, physically and mentally. You need to love and value yourself before anybody else can love you. Read carefully TheOtherHalf’s posts. He is talking sense and his are wise words indeed.

Hers what a lovely post.

Tatiana you can do so much better. Honestly you are not on the scrap heap yet.

I would rather be single that deal with this. My ex was similar. I feel so much better now at 37 than I did at 28.

ugh

You must feel so turned off by that.

I cannot imagine wanting a man who valued me so little.

Perhaps though if you don't want to split up (although it'd be no loss) just respond every single time by telling him how disrespectful that is to you and how it makes you feel bad for him that he has so little chance with the women he ogles which in turn makes you feel turned off and wonder why you're wasting your time with him.

RavenMum is right. I"m single but that's partly because I wouldn't settle for somebody who didn't appreciate me and value me.

Anybody can hook up with a dick head. Hold out for a decent man who values you or stay single.