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Original poster

Best way to explain to husband that I don't like him pointing out which women he finds attractive?

139 replies

Tatiana1986 · 27/09/2017 13:22

Well, as per title really. He doesn't hold back when he sees someone attractive and it's really hurtful Sad it makes me feel inadequate and even uglier than I already do.
He says finding other people attractive is normal and it doesn't mean he doesn't find me attractive. I can logically understand that but my heart sinks every time.

How could I put it to him without sounding unhinged? Thank you.

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 30/09/2017 08:39

You need to set your standards much higher.

Original poster
Tatiana1986 · 30/09/2017 09:47

We have a 6yo daughter.
When she turns 12 he will tell her that boys tell all kinds of lies to get into a girl's pants and she should be aware if that. He said it to his eldest daughter when she was 13 (from previous relationship).
He also has a son (14) and he'll be telling him that girls buy all sorts of lies and it's the way to get into their pants.
Go figure Confused

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 30/09/2017 10:14

Well you're obviously ok to stay with someone that thick and offensive so crack on.

PelvicFloorClenchReminder · 30/09/2017 10:31

^ What AtrociousCircumstance said.

Offred · 30/09/2017 10:33

And what will you do? Just let him perpetuate his misogyny through your daughter?

Hmm
HerOtherHalf · 30/09/2017 10:36

I find it very hard to believe that given how misogynistic, sexist, disrespectful and immature he is that everything else in your relationship is milk and honey.

Original poster
Tatiana1986 · 30/09/2017 10:39

It's partially true though that boys will tell you anything to get what they want. I don't agree with what he's going to tell his son but it's HIS son, I can't be getting involved in that.

OP posts:
Offred · 30/09/2017 10:43

it's not about whether it is partially true or not (some arsehole misogynistic men do). It is about whether you want you and your daughter to continue to be uncritically exposed to this kind of misogynist.

Original poster
Tatiana1986 · 30/09/2017 10:44

No it's not milk and honey. But I am 31yo with baggage, belly fat and stretch marks. There's no prince in shining armour around the corner and never will be. Not that I need one anyway. Just need to be able to deal with what I have rather than dream about what I might have.

OP posts:
Offred · 30/09/2017 10:45

I can't actually believe that he has been so blatant about how he's going to train his son to become a woman hating misogynistic rapey bastard and you've seeming just said 'none of my business, at least he's honest'...

Offred · 30/09/2017 10:46

And you are ok with him training your daughter to be a rape victim?

Original poster
Tatiana1986 · 30/09/2017 10:47

That's a bit dramatic Offred. He's going to warm her not to believe what boys say, how's that being trained to be a rape victim?

What he tells his son is none of my business.

OP posts:
Offred · 30/09/2017 10:50

You are married to him. You have a daughter with him.

Of course it is your business that not only is he a rapey misogynist he is planning on training his son to follow in his footsteps!

You feel you just need to find a way of coping with him because you feel no-one else will want you?

FFS this is an appalling example to set your daughter!

Original poster
Tatiana1986 · 30/09/2017 10:54

Offred how would you feel if other people were telling you how to raise your children? You would tell them to butt out, wouldn't you? That's why I will not be telling him what to say or not say to his child.

My daughter will not be like me. She'll be beautiful and strong and smart, I'll make sure of it.

OP posts:
Offred · 30/09/2017 10:56

I'm not telling you to tell him how to raise his son.

I'm telling you to get yourself and your daughter away from him ASAP.

You stand zero chance of raising a well rounded daughter in a house with you as you are and him as he is frankly.

AufderAutobahn · 30/09/2017 11:00

He might be his son but what is stopping you from telling him, as a mum with a daughter, girls deserve respect and do not deserve to be lied to? It's useful advice for young men.

Offred · 30/09/2017 11:05

It doesn't matter a jot what you tell the children IMO... you are with this man who is like this and are modelling this for them as how relationships work... you can tell your daughter and his DC whatever you like but what they'll hear will be added to what they'll see which is that your relationship is how adult relationships work.

ChinkChink · 30/09/2017 11:06

Advising OP to sink to his level and do the same is unhelpful and childish, and in many ways validates his behaviour.

Yes to telling him exactly how he's coming across, and to grow the fuck up and have some respect.

Offred · 30/09/2017 11:06

Telling them things whilst continuing this relationship is like trying to fight a forest fire with a garden hose.

elmo1980 · 30/09/2017 11:09

Don't underestimate how much your daughter will learn from you just by watching your behaviour and relationships with other people, including the one with your dh.

She will pick up on your low self esteem no matter what you tell her and that is going to have a huge impact on the woman she grows up to be, and the choices in men she makes.

JemimaLovesHamble · 30/09/2017 11:41

Do you really think you can bear spending the rest of your life with this man, getting his daily updates on which strangers are currently pleasing to his penis?

How long do you think it will be before your dd learns her greatest value as a human is in her bum or tits because that's what her primary role model values in women? (Make sure you teach her to avoid her brother's friends because they will also probably pick up her dad's wisdom on how to lie a girl into bed.)

And if you sink to his level it all gets worse, you become the sad lechy couple everyone avoids.

I would suggest you bail out now before you become truly worn down. Because you will just get older as we all do (as he will do but "Lord grant me the confidence of a mediocre man", etc because that won't stop him) and he will keep perving at young women...

HerOtherHalf · 30/09/2017 11:52

But I am 31yo with baggage, belly fat and stretch marks.

Anyone who has made it into their 30s without some baggage must have led an extremely strange life. As to the stretch marks and belly fat, they do not define you as a person nor do they detract from your holistic beauty. Personally, I love my wife's stretch marks. In my mind they are battle scars she earned bringing my children and stepchildren into the world. You are far more deserving of love, respect and happiness than you give yourself credit for.

gandalf456 · 30/09/2017 11:56

This is not pc but the guy deserves a slap every time he does it

Original poster
Tatiana1986 · 30/09/2017 12:20

Oh puh-lease HerOtherHalf, you can't honestly tell me that deep down you wouldn't prefer a younger fitter and firmer body to one with stretch marks and everything. Seriously, all this 'battlescars are wonderful' nonsense is laughable.
I didn't want to be mean to you but I wish people would stop pretending.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tatiana1986 · 30/09/2017 12:21

Thank you for your kind words nonetheless HerOtherHalf.

OP posts:
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