Best way to explain to husband that I don't like him pointing out which women he finds attractive?

[Tatiana1986]

Well, as per title really. He doesn't hold back when he sees someone attractive and it's really hurtful it makes me feel inadequate and even uglier than I already do.
He says finding other people attractive is normal and it doesn't mean he doesn't find me attractive. I can logically understand that but my heart sinks every time.

How could I put it to him without sounding unhinged? Thank you.

In fact I would like to thank everyone who contributed to this discussion. The consensus is that I need to ask him to stop doing this and I will.

It's emotional abuse.

By staying you are teaching your dd that it's ok for men to abuse their partners.

Is this what you want for her.

He's a vile man who sees women as objects and prey. I wouldn't leave him alone with any female.

Omg wake up, he's doing it on purpose because he KNOWS it upsets you. He's the type of man that enjoys having power over other people and this is his pathetic way to get it. He wants to keep you feeling ugly and insecure because then hopefully you won't realise what a piece of shit he is and that you can do 1000x better. And believe me you can. And yes he is raising his children to be victims and accept terrible behaviour from awful men like him. They will end up unhappy like you.

I think it's rather odd. Doesn't sound like the kind of relationship I'd like to be in. If I heard a man do that in the street to a woman I'd be embarrassed for him and if I heard a man do that in the presence of his partner I'd feel embarrassed for her It would be a LTB for me, I am under no illusion that my DP doesn't find other women attractive but to do it in front of me (especially in such a degrading manner) is utterly disrespectful in my eyes. Men should treat women the way they wish their daughters to be treated.

Tbh, Tatiana, I've got 11 years on you. And a boyfriend of 33.

I've been married, single, dated a bit...

I can tell you know, that it's far better to be single than with someone like this.

Would it really be worse to be single than to feel like shit and listen to this every day?

What will you do if you ask him and he doesn't stop?

I didn't give the man I dumped the 'courtesy' of asking him to stop. I decided that I needed want to be with someone who had to be asked to treat me with basic respect.

So I didn't.

He was upset.

Tough shit.

needed = didn't

This is not the way to parent children.
How would he feel if his children were always compared to others?
I wonder children self harm and post vile things about others if they have a parent like him.

Oh puh-lease HerOtherHalf, you can't honestly tell me that deep down you wouldn't prefer a younger fitter and firmer body to one with stretch marks and everything

I can absolutely assure you I wouldn't. I value my wife for who she is and love her for herself and everything she's done to enrich my life. I'm older than you and have the benefit of wisdom from experience. I'll share some of that with you and, who knows, you might get some value from it. First, true beauty comes from within. That may sound cutesy but it's true. If you've been to many funerals you might have noticed that people are not remembered as having had good skin or nice boobs but for deeper qualities like trustworthiness, generosity, humour, intelligence etc or sometimes negative inner qualities. It's our character that our friends and loved ones value more than anything, unless they are emotionally dysfunctional and shallow, not our looks.

I'm also a great believer in the principle that we choose our emotional responses to external factors, albeit subconsciously much of the time. Events and people do not make us angry, sad or whatever, we choose to feel that way and we can, with practice, choose to feel some other way. I've been practicing owning my emotional responses for almost 30 years. It's taken time and effort and will never be 100% but it has changed my life. So when I look at my wife's stretch marks I choose to see beauty in them, a reminder of the incalculable value she has brought to my life in a way I can never match. You, for your part, can let your emotions control you and feel saddened and your self confidence knocked when your partner oggles and passes base remarks on other women. Or, you can own your emotions and choose to feel pity for him that he is so pathetic and shallow, feel contempt for him that he would wilfully indulge in something that he knows is causing you emotional pain. He really doesn't deserve you and you deserve so much better, you just need to realise that.

What a great post @herotherhalf!

He sounds charming. Has he always done this?

Have you seen those tits?

The only tit I can see around here is you.

OP

He is a pig (I'm saying this a lot lately...)

You cannot raise your daughter to be strong and ignore misogynistic arses like this when the arse in question is her father (and step brother)

And you can ask him all you like, he won't stop.

Haven't read the thread yet, so people have already said this, I'm sure.

Short term: Start going on about every attractive man you see, men at work that you admire, male friends who you could definitely fancy if you were single, etc.

Mid term: Explain to him that you don't appreciate it, that you find it upsetting and you don't feel respected when he does that. Ask him to refrain, with immediate effect. Give him some time to see if he a) accepts that your feelings are valid and should not be dismissed, and b) at least makes an effort to break the habit or c) can't be arsed and makes no effort at all.

Long term: If a & b happens, great, he was probably just being thoughtless and stupid and if he makes a change to his behaviour that shows he respects you and doesn't want to hurt your feelings. If it's c, then I'm afraid he's a pig and you shouldn't stay with him.

Oh god I've just read the rest of the thread. He sounds vile. How can you accept him being so out and out misogynistic and passing that straight on to his/your children?

Probably because she thinks this is 'just how men are' (internalised misogyny)

Just need to be able to deal with what I have rather than dream about what I might have.

You feel like that because your self esteem is on the floor. And he’s helping to keep it there; by pointing out that he’s noticing other women - and then covering it with some bollocks about how he treats you the same as everyone else and he’s “keeping it real”.

If he cripples your confidence enough that you don’t think you’re worth better; you’ll always stay, and he can check other women out to his hearts content.

Sadly, your daughter gets caught up in this too - not just in his vile teachings; because that isn’t a lesson that she’ll learn at 12 anyway but something she’ll learn for herself - but because you are modelling a crap marriage for her, and she’s very likely to repeat it.

errr, my partner is very happy with my 41 year old body, saggy bits and stretchmarks and baggage included, and if he would prefer a younger body, he certainly wouldnt be going on to me about it (because that would be cuntish). He makes me feel beautiful and that hes lucky to have me.
I think your horrible partner has really done a number on you and your confidence, and no, you cant make sure your daughter will not grow up the same, because children learn what they live, and if her dad and her brother treat women in one way, then that will be what she expects and accepts, no matter what you tell her.

and women have the right to not be leched over by perves like your dh. So what if theyve got legs or breasts. Theyre not public property and shouldnt be leered over and commented on

Just need to be able to deal with what I have rather than dream about what I might have.

That is so sad. Why don't you feel you deserve someone who actually loves and respects you? Your husband sounds revolting, in the way he treats you and in the way he's bringing up his children.

Branleuse, I admire you and women like you who believe they are wanted even though they don't look perfect. I wish I could adopt this way of thinking but I would be lying to myself.

That's because you are married to a man who doesn't see women as people, just objects to be attributed relative worth based on their physical attributes.

You have zero chance of feeling good about yourself when you are married to this horrible person.

Further to that your DD stands every chance of growing up having no confidence or self esteem and in a series of crappy relationships with horrible people like her father.

do you only want your partner for his looks? I dont think I look amazing, but id damn well hope that ive got more to offer than what I look like. Im a person, not a body.
I couldnt give a shiny shit that my partner has a tummy or imperfections, and is getting older. It just doesnt affect the way I feel about him at all, and while there are blokes out there that would be much more likely to get a modelling contract than him, I certainly harbour any wishes for my partner to look like that. It just doesnt matter.

I think its a real shame that you think your worth as a person and as a partner is all about what you look like, but I think your partner is perpetuating your self hatred, by his constant evaluating of other womens appearances in front of you

certainly *dont harbour

look at what hes done to you. youve got no confidence in yourself x

He does in fact say that he still finds me attractive. It's just that he finds every other woman attractive too which he is happy to point out. Next time he says it to me I'll just tell him he's no chance with her and she's waay out of his league. Hopefully that will shit him up.