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Relationships

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Original poster

Will never get married or meet his child - should I just walk away?

145 replies

Oldname · 23/09/2017 18:28

Hive been with bf for three years. Started off very rocky but he's changed a lot and finally we seem to be at a settled point. I have two dc's ( 4 and 6) and bf lives with us 5 nights a week and stays at his 2 nights to see his son who is 19.
In order to make life easier all round and to not feel like I'm the other woman (never was), I've asked all this time to meet his son; was fobbed off repeatedly then finally told last night that son refuses to meet me. His son has meet his mother's new partner and that was fine.
So now I've been told that it will never happen. As long as his son wants to my bf will be up there two nights every week without us, when it comes to Christmas bf will leave us at midday to spend the rest with his son.
I'm now feeling like I can't see a future, or that I'm not good enough for bf to commit to or something. In addition we had a talk about marriage and bf said he didn't believe in it - despite having previously been engaged!
I'm frightened to end it because I love him and so do the kids - but I feel really unsatisfied and resentful.

Any advice appreciated please

OP posts:

Original poster

Oldname · 25/09/2017 08:35

Feels like I have to put up and shut up, and pretend to be happy with the way things are.
If he won't commit then I won't stop him from leaving - he's not wrong in wanting what he wants, but that's not enough for me and the kids.

OP posts:

Gemini69 · 25/09/2017 08:43

Lady.. his attitude to being asked to answer these simple questions.. has actually given you the answers you need ..

you and your kids deserve better than this

good luck x

Kr1s · 25/09/2017 08:51

Well at least you know where you stand. This is all it's ever going to be.

You know he won't actually leave, don't you? It's just a threat to keep you in your place. He won't go because the current set up suits him.

This is your life now, unless you end it.

Happinesssssss · 25/09/2017 08:53

Whatever the situation with the not quite stepson (which could well be trueish) the bottom line is he is compartmentalising his life and also not ever going to fully commit to you. If he is choosing to pack up and leave well that says it all.

Butterymuffin · 25/09/2017 09:07

We can't know for sure what the situation is with the son. What is easier to see is that for whatever reason he is keeping one foot out of the door. He doesn't want to properly commit to you and a full life with you (financially as well as otherwise) and is now threatening to leave if you question the current (im)balance, he's so averse to changing it.

Be prepared for him having said he would leave, only to turn up tomorrow expecting you to be tearfully begging him to stay and promising no more awkward questions. Remember that he finds the current set up convenient so I wouldn't surprised to find him not actually wanting to go through with it. He might even just come back, make no reference to it and hope he's scared you into shutting up and not mentioning it either (have known similar things on other threads here). It's worth having a think about how you would deal with these scenarios.

AnyFucker · 25/09/2017 09:40

So when you ask perfectly reasonable questions he says he is leaving

Bye then should be your response

astoundedgoat · 25/09/2017 11:43

I've asked him to answer my questions and his response is that he's picking his things up tomorrow and leaving.

Let him go. Tell him that he is doing the right thing, and you'll have his stuff boxed up for him and ready to collect this evening.

This "I was coming around to the idea of marrying you" - what an utter fucker he is. That is so patronising and manipulative it defies belief.

Take him at his word, and get him out of your life. He is going to string you and your family along for YEARS, offering and withdrawing the "carrot" of marriage. You're dead right not to just turn up on his doorstep - you do - and should - have more dignity than that. But having dignity in this situation also needs to involve getting rid of him.

Lovemusic33 · 25/09/2017 12:48

I agree with the above, let him go. He's a cocklodger, he's basically been living at yours during the week for free and then doing what he wants at his place at the weekends. Wether what he says about his son is true or not he's still a twat. A 19 year old doesn't get to call the shots, he's just using this as an excuse. Your better off without him, stop wasting your time and energy on him.

SpringTown46 · 25/09/2017 12:55

If he won't commit then I won't stop him from leaving Erm. You've got that back to front. Pack any of his stuff up and have it ready for him to take - help him on his way. He shows none of the qualities of good partner material. He does however excel at being a user and future-faker. Get rid.

Huskylover1 · 25/09/2017 12:56

Kr1s is spot on!

I have a 19 year old & a 20 year old. There is NO WAY they would choose to spend a weekend sitting in with a parent, when it's all happening on the town. And actually, week night are popular nights out for students, with most clubs doing cheap drinks for eg. on a Tuesday. My daughters biggest night out, is a Tuesday.

The fact he doesn't call when he's not there, is ringing alarm bells for me too.

Personally, I'd hide a possession of his, so if he does leave, you'd have a valid reason to pop to his house and drop off this thing (and make it a day he was meant to be at home with son).

Huskylover1 · 25/09/2017 12:58

Also, you said his house is 60 miles from yours....where is his workplace in relation to both houses?

Bluntness100 · 25/09/2017 13:05

I also agree, don't demean yourself here any further.

He said he's leaving rather than answer your questions? He's clearly been lying to you all along.

He doesn't call you when he's there? He has another woman. Either the ex or someone else. But he's with someone else those two days.

I've a twenty year old daughter, and trust me they don't spend 24 hours a day with you, nor do they wish to. There is no reason he can't call you. Unless there is another woman there and you're a secret.

this man is lying to you. He has a secret. And it's one he wishes to maintain in his life and he will leave you rather than even risk losing it. You are no more to him than free lodgings.

I suspect AF got it in one. He's leading a double life. Let him go.

mypoornips · 25/09/2017 13:08

He doesn't call when he away as it's too awkward, not because it eats into time with his 19 year old It's hardly like his son if following him around the house talking constantly or needing entertainment. He's an adult, not 5.

I think you've been played here unfortunately. As difficult as that is, it's better to know rather than waste years with someone unsuitable.

BitOutOfPractice · 25/09/2017 13:26

I think it's so so telling that he's threatening to leave when questioned. Very telling

SandyY2K · 25/09/2017 13:30

He just doesn't want to tell you directly that he doesn't want to live with you.

To be honest, I think I'd probably feel like keeping own place if (I
got divorced and ) met a guy with young kids, especially as mind are mid to older teens and self sufficient...more or less.

The problem is not knowing if you're getting the truth.

OP.. do you know how long him and his Ex were together? I do find it a bit odd that he's not the bio dad ...they never married and yet he's the reason your BF cites for not living with you.

Bluntness100 · 25/09/2017 13:32

I think it's so so telling that he's threatening to leave when questioned. Very telling

This and the fact he doesn't call her when he's there, and has made it clear she's not welcome at his home. he's clearly portraying he's she doesn't exist when he's there. And that spells another woman every single time. Why he has to leave for five days a week I don't know, but I wonder if the ex now lives st his home. And he says he lives away for work.

Pestilentialone · 25/09/2017 13:53

What a crap situation you have got into Oldname Be brave and dignified. Also sending big undignified hugs to you, I fear you need them.

SandyY2K · 25/09/2017 14:53

I wonder if the ex now lives st his home. And he says he lives away for work.

The Ex has a new man. The OP has also spoken to the Ex about the son before.

It's either a new woman or he likes having his own place.

I know someone who had met her DPs dad and some of his friends ....she had 4 DC with him and discovered she was the OW at his dad's funeral...which he tried to stop her coming to.

The sad thing is that family members are often complicit in the deception.

Anyway... he's leaving because he can't be dealing with too many questions. He doesn't want the truth exposed.

C0untDucku1a · 25/09/2017 14:58

Tell him to go. Threatening to leave is to control you. Make sure you dont ask questions that he doesnt want to answer. Im suprised you put up with it for three years tbh.

Gemini69 · 27/09/2017 11:39

it's today right OP ? that's he's coming round to pick up his things ? stand your ground Lady

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