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Original poster

Will never get married or meet his child - should I just walk away?

145 replies

Oldname · 23/09/2017 18:28

Hive been with bf for three years. Started off very rocky but he's changed a lot and finally we seem to be at a settled point. I have two dc's ( 4 and 6) and bf lives with us 5 nights a week and stays at his 2 nights to see his son who is 19.
In order to make life easier all round and to not feel like I'm the other woman (never was), I've asked all this time to meet his son; was fobbed off repeatedly then finally told last night that son refuses to meet me. His son has meet his mother's new partner and that was fine.
So now I've been told that it will never happen. As long as his son wants to my bf will be up there two nights every week without us, when it comes to Christmas bf will leave us at midday to spend the rest with his son.
I'm now feeling like I can't see a future, or that I'm not good enough for bf to commit to or something. In addition we had a talk about marriage and bf said he didn't believe in it - despite having previously been engaged!
I'm frightened to end it because I love him and so do the kids - but I feel really unsatisfied and resentful.

Any advice appreciated please

OP posts:
AndTheBandPlayedOn · 23/09/2017 19:53

I'm now feeling like I can't see a future, or that I'm not good enough for bf to commit to or something.

Trust your gut. You are feeling subordinate to his boundaries and template for his life which is cultivating resentment.

Did the "started off rocky" part that has settled to the present circumstance come about from you compromising in his favor a little/lot too much (aka dismissing your needs/feelings)?

If he can not or will not renegotiate a recalibration of the expectations of the relationship, then, imho, it would be best for you to call time.

Original poster
Oldname · 23/09/2017 19:58

Sorry by separate holidays I mean he holidays with us and then with his son separately.

I've met his dad and brother's family once and some work friends twice.

We go out but obviously from my house which is around 60 miles from his.

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 23/09/2017 19:58

Have you seen photos of his son? Does he even exist?

Sounds a bit odd that a 19 year old still wants to spend every weekend with his dad and also seems odd that your dh doesn't put his foot down and just invite you over when he's there. All seems a bit odd.

follybodger · 23/09/2017 20:05

I'm undecided whether his son is the one making this decision or as lovemusic just said whether the son really exists.

All very strange

DistanceCall · 23/09/2017 20:09

His son is technically an adult now, and he will be increasingly independent. If he doesn't want to meet you, for whatever reason, that's his prerogative - he may change his mind in the future or not. He is not a part of your relationship with your partner.

As for getting married - my partner was married once (he had children with his ex) and told me straight away that he never wants to marry again. I don't think that makes him any less committed to your relationship. If you're not planning on having children together, there really isn't any good reason, I think.

Amatree · 23/09/2017 20:10

Walk away while you still have your dignity. He's using you while it suits him and sees no real future with you. Protect your kids from getting more and more emotionally attached and cut him off now.

almondsandcherries · 23/09/2017 20:14

Sounds like he has another life somewhere else. Maybe he is already married

Aquamarine1029 · 23/09/2017 20:16

He's stringing you along like you're some sort of lesser-than. Why are you allowing him to treat you this way?? It's terrible and a HORRIBLE example for your children.

Original poster
Oldname · 23/09/2017 20:28

I agree that it's his perogative not to meet me but that means that bf will have a separate life from us and we're supposed to be a family.
He's amazing with the children and they think the world of him.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 23/09/2017 20:33

Sorry by separate holidays I mean he holidays with us and then with his son separately.

Well tbf, a 19 year old won't want to holiday with a 6 and 4 year old that aren't related to him.

It just doesn't sound like you're integrated in his life.

Maybe when his son gets older and has his own home, your BF will move in with you.

Have you considered he doesn't to live with young children full time?

That he likes his space. I don't think I'd want to live with young kids now that mine are 17 and 15.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/09/2017 20:38

Your children and you are a family unit in its own right.

Why are you allowing yourself to be such a doormat?. He is merely your male companion and he is doing very well indeed out of this arrangement. I can see what he gets out of this but you?. Saying that the children like him is actually no good reason to stay with him.

And if he is there at yours 5 nights a week how is it that he is only paying for the shopping?. Nothing towards the council tax, rent or bills?. He has it well cushy with you and is not going to want to give that up at all easily.

Gemini69 · 23/09/2017 20:41

Lady.. you deserve the world... not this 'glass half empty' relationship... you deserve the utmost of respect and you're not getting it from Him... Flowers

end this farce and find yourself an equal partner...

Original poster
Oldname · 23/09/2017 20:50

With regards to holidays - I know a 19 year old won't want to be stuck with younger kids the whole time.
My suggestion was travel together - do our own thing and maybe get together for meals or drinks in the evening.
It would make everything easier if we'd met - holidays are only one part of that.
I hadn't considered that he just wants his own space - is sure I've asked that but don't suppose he'd actually say that as it would hurt my feelings.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oldname · 23/09/2017 20:51

So I'm not overreacting over this?
We can get on really well and I don't want to break up, but also don't want to waste my time with someone who isn't committed to us.

OP posts:
Autumnskiesarelovely · 23/09/2017 20:52

There is no future unless your lives are more open, honest and his son meets you. You are right to insist, and your DP needs to tell son to get off his high horse.

Sadly, if it's too much for him to change you are better off out. Shame, 3 years is a long investment.

Tealdeal747 · 23/09/2017 20:53

Don't put your dcs through this.

IrritatedUser1960 · 23/09/2017 20:58

I'd need to do some fishing if that was me to make sure that's what he is doing.
If it turns out he is seeing his son well you are between a rock and a hard place there.
I'd always put my son first no matter what, I'll never marry again as I don't want anyone but my son to inherit my house.
He is putting his son first and that is no less than I would expect from a good dad, at least it means he takes his responsibilities as a father seriously. What would you prefer - a guy who is a deadbeat dad?

Notears · 23/09/2017 21:12

Does his son live in your dp's home or does he go there to see his father?

Original poster
Oldname · 23/09/2017 21:17

No he doesn't live there - just goes there to see his dad. As far as I know.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oldname · 23/09/2017 21:20

I agree, I wouldn't want to be with a deadbeat dad. I'm not asking to split any assets - I would want everything to be kept separate. Marriage for me is not joining assets but saying this is who I choose for life.
I don't think meeting me would be him not putting his son first - I think it's a normal thing to do and would be better all round. We'd all see more of him.

OP posts:
NotTheCoolMum · 23/09/2017 21:24

Sorry to be harsh OP but.. let me get this straight.. This man comes round your family's home for bed and breakfast, maybe sex, only on his work days then fucks off on his days off? What are you, a housekeeper/escort service?

Christ. Is this what you want? Have you not realised he's using you? What are you getting out of this? You deserve so much more.

Wherearemymarbles · 23/09/2017 21:48

Whether he is telling you everything or not

  1. His son is under no obligation whatsoever to me you. Ever
  1. Your BF is under no obligation to marry you. If you dont have kids together it is a pointless exercise anyway and a completely unnecessary blending of assets.

If marriage is important to you fair enough, end it.

DistanceCall · 23/09/2017 22:18

bf will have a separate life from us and we're supposed to be a family

It depends. Do you expect your partner to become a surrogate father to your children? Do they have a father?

He's not your children's father, and he never will be. He can be a fantastic stepfather, though. But he also has a son of his own.

If you think that being a family means that family members don't have separate lives outside the family, then clearly this man is not for you.

Personally, I don't think that his having a separate relationship with his son means that he isn't committed to you and your children. Otherwise, you'll have to look for someone with no baggage (but then, they usually have no baggage for a reason).

SandyY2K · 23/09/2017 22:39

So does the son live with his mum?
If so then he had to meet his mum's new partner. It doesn't mean he actually wanted to meet him.

If the son lives away from home, then his dad can go and visit him.

I really don't think you'll get everything you want from this relationship.

I still don't think I'd want to travel with my dad, his girlfriend and her 2 kids on holiday. You're being unrealistic in that area.

My friend has teens and her BF spends time there, but she says she can sense he's eager to get away at times. He'd never say it if course.

Yours are younger and bound to squabble with each other. He's well past that stage.. Honestly when mine were that age I wished I had another house to escape to, so I don't blame him.

Og

maudeismyfavouritepony · 23/09/2017 22:51

When he lives with you bill free, do you cook for him?
Does he help with the chores and childcare?
Sounds like a great arrangement for him when his life is otherwise being dictated by a 19yr old.

I would push back to a more casual arrangement and say he can stay max three nights a week, as you want more time with your children.

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