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Original poster

Will never get married or meet his child - should I just walk away?

145 replies

Oldname · 23/09/2017 18:28

Hive been with bf for three years. Started off very rocky but he's changed a lot and finally we seem to be at a settled point. I have two dc's ( 4 and 6) and bf lives with us 5 nights a week and stays at his 2 nights to see his son who is 19.
In order to make life easier all round and to not feel like I'm the other woman (never was), I've asked all this time to meet his son; was fobbed off repeatedly then finally told last night that son refuses to meet me. His son has meet his mother's new partner and that was fine.
So now I've been told that it will never happen. As long as his son wants to my bf will be up there two nights every week without us, when it comes to Christmas bf will leave us at midday to spend the rest with his son.
I'm now feeling like I can't see a future, or that I'm not good enough for bf to commit to or something. In addition we had a talk about marriage and bf said he didn't believe in it - despite having previously been engaged!
I'm frightened to end it because I love him and so do the kids - but I feel really unsatisfied and resentful.

Any advice appreciated please

OP posts:
JamOrCreamFirst · 23/09/2017 23:00

What reason was given for the son refusing to meet you?

Pestilentialone · 23/09/2017 23:12

Copper I am assuming her works near your place. Has free board, lodgings and other benefits, for just the cost of some food. ??

Suggest the three day model as proposed by Maud

It does not sound an ideal set up

EmeraldIsle100 · 23/09/2017 23:37

He pays nothing towards rent or bills - that says it all. Set your sights higher. He doesn't deserve to be with you and your children. He is a selfish prick. You only have one life and there are so many nice men who would actually care enough to want to be part of a real family and not this farce.

This relationship will ultimately damage your children. If you can't make sense of it imagine how it will look to them.

Being honest with yourself will set you free. You know you don't have to be with a man. You could be living a lovely life with your kids with no lies and no bullshit.

KeyChange · 23/09/2017 23:48

I can understand him not wanting to marry. Lots of people don't

I think the son situation is ridiculous. He should at least introduce you. You're a major part of his life. I think he's being spineless and treating you like second best.

PickAChew · 23/09/2017 23:51

I would say that his adult DS has a right to not want to meet you but your P is allowing this to stand between you. RUN!

MorningCuppa · 23/09/2017 23:54

Does this son exist? Have you seen pictures of him?
He doesn't want to get married... are you sure he's not already got a wife at this other house?
Something doesn't ring true here, I think he's leading a double life.

EmeraldIsle100 · 24/09/2017 00:01

He could be leading a double life! Nobody is going to believe this but a man in my neighbourhood was married with 6 kids and he also had a partner and 4 kids with another woman about 5 miles away and neither women knew about the other.

BeatriceBeaudelaire · 24/09/2017 00:11

I think he's already married - works away for the work week and then goes home to his family at weekends

MaisyPops · 24/09/2017 07:19

The more I read the more I'm thinking the son probably isn't the one calling the shots actually.

It sounds like your DP has some kind of 'work away home' and his 'real home'. Do you have an address of his real home? Could you do some digging?

I wonder if he has a wife and son at home.

Either way, get out of this relationship. Dont be second best.

BarbaraOcumbungles · 24/09/2017 07:27

I wouldn’ believe a word that came out of his mouth.

Original poster
Oldname · 24/09/2017 07:45

There was no reason given for him not wanting to meet me - I've asked and asked.
Son lives with his grandparents so didn't have to meet his mother's new partner.
I considered that he has a double life or that the son doesn't exist but I've seen pictures of him and one time the son's mother contacted me over something unrelated so I know they're over.

OP posts:
Notears · 24/09/2017 07:52

Have you discussed him selling up and moving in with you properly? He can still see his son regularly especially if his son is at the grandparents.

The two night a week arrangement can't go on for ever. What does the son do? Is he at uni?

Original poster
Oldname · 24/09/2017 07:53

To answer some questions - he does housework and cooks etc when he's here, he also helps with childcare when he can.
I agree that people need separate lives occasionally but this is keeping a huge part of his life from me and means he will never fully move in with us.
My children's dad is still around but they see and do more with bf, and they clearly think the world of him.
Another important point is that bf's son is not his biologically - he got together with son's mother when he was a baby.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oldname · 24/09/2017 07:54

His son has just started uni.
I have discussed this with him. At first he said he'd rent his house out, but that's now changed to his son living in it - it's commutable to his uni. So the two days a week will continue indefinitely.

OP posts:
Notears · 24/09/2017 07:58

So he's not actually his son and he wasn't married to his mother? All credit to him if he is genuine but not sure!

TheLesserWeevil · 24/09/2017 08:02

Surely a 19 year old, at University, isn't going to want to hang out with his dad every weekend? Or go on holiday with him? I'm baffled...

OliviaStabler · 24/09/2017 08:08

but that means that bf will have a separate life from us and we're supposed to be a family.

You aren't a family though. Your bf is clearly not committed to you. He pays practically nothing towards the upkeep of the house apart from food and his son dictates your lifestyle completely. He won't marry you either.

Sorry but I wouldn't put up with that at all.

astoundedgoat · 24/09/2017 08:09

Personally I wouldn't be over keen to marry, as you have assets that you need to protect for your children. When you marry, that gets muddied and suddenly his son (or any other children) comes into the inheritance picture especially if you die before your husband.

It does sound like you are selling yourself short here generally though.

Your children are young enough that getting rid of this guy won't really effect them anyway, not that this is a relationship you should really be modelling to them anyway.

You sound great - honestly, you could do so much better than this.

Notears · 24/09/2017 08:10

Maybe the son just provides him with an excuse to do his own thing and not fully commit.

sprockercrazy · 24/09/2017 08:11

Sorry to be harsh OP but.. let me get this straight.. This man comes round your family's home for bed and breakfast, maybe sex, only on his work days then fucks off on his days off? What are you, a housekeeper/escort service?

This ! And you've also said that he doesn't contribute anything towards your household expenses. To coin a MN phrase - this man is a cocklodger

Ropsleybunny · 24/09/2017 08:15

The fact that the 'son' doesn't want to meet you is just plain weird. It strikes me that your DP just wants a separate life going on, as well as being with you.

Your DP seems to be saying that he wants a casual part time relationship with you, whilst hanging on to his own place and another life.

He's taking the piss big time in not contributing more for his living expenses with you. He is massively having his cake and eating it.

I would put it to him that either he commits or it's over. As regards actually meeting the 'son', that's a bit of a red herring. All the palaver about the two days and separate lives is little to do with the 'son' meeting you. Your DP could commit and everything that comes with it and the son could still opt out but I think there's more to it than that.

DownTownAbbey · 24/09/2017 09:03

No 19yr old student wants their stepdad hanging round 2 days a week Hmm.

I would never get married again so that doesn't strike me as weird but he's maintaining his own home whilst spending most of the time at yours? All that money? Wow.

I suspect it suits him down to the ground that you can't meet his DS. Because I'd bet money that his DS a) doesn't want his dad around so much cramping his style and b) could tell you a thing or two about his real reason for keeping the house up. I'm sure his DS couldn't care less about meeting his DF's GF if you weren't the reason his parents split.

I'd be really interested to know what goes on in those 2 days each week.

WhiteCat1704 · 24/09/2017 09:35

Ppl saying that the son not wanting to meet you is wierd - it is BUT I know a similar case in RL. Son was refusing to meet DF partner for years...he was 17 when they started dating. He is 24 now, still lives with DF and refuses to meet DPs children..he has met her now..he went to uni, graduated and is back at home...he will stay till he is 50 I think..DF is unable to put any boundaries in place and does everything for the son..

Oh and sons graduation sticks in my mind. He invited his DM+her boyfriend, DS and DF. Fathers partner was excluded..even though her and DF are planning to buy a house and DS will be living with them..It was his mother that left and he has been living with DF since (excluding uni funded by DF)

If I were you I would leave. Your partner doesn't care about you enough to put boundaries for his adult son OR is a very weak men. In any case you deserve better.

Notears · 24/09/2017 09:45

Do you spend weekends together op?

Original poster
Oldname · 24/09/2017 09:50

Notears we do sometimes - the days he stays at his house vary. This week it's Saturday and Sunday, next week it will be Tuesday and Wednesday.

OP posts:
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