Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Will never get married or meet his child - should I just walk away?

145 replies

Oldname · 23/09/2017 18:28

Hive been with bf for three years. Started off very rocky but he's changed a lot and finally we seem to be at a settled point. I have two dc's ( 4 and 6) and bf lives with us 5 nights a week and stays at his 2 nights to see his son who is 19.
In order to make life easier all round and to not feel like I'm the other woman (never was), I've asked all this time to meet his son; was fobbed off repeatedly then finally told last night that son refuses to meet me. His son has meet his mother's new partner and that was fine.
So now I've been told that it will never happen. As long as his son wants to my bf will be up there two nights every week without us, when it comes to Christmas bf will leave us at midday to spend the rest with his son.
I'm now feeling like I can't see a future, or that I'm not good enough for bf to commit to or something. In addition we had a talk about marriage and bf said he didn't believe in it - despite having previously been engaged!
I'm frightened to end it because I love him and so do the kids - but I feel really unsatisfied and resentful.

Any advice appreciated please

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 24/09/2017 09:58

The if he has bills in his own house, he can't realistically be paying again at the OPs house.

Perhaps the son feels even less need to meet you, as it's not even his biological father.

I'm not convinced his son is calling the shots though. Especially with the whole Uni thing. He's basically telling you not to expect a different arrangement with him going to Uni.

I'm also assuming he lives with his maternal grandparents... which would make it more likely the reason he's met mum's partner.

Him living with neither parent is also a bit telling. That's not the norm when your parents are alive and well. He could well be a difficult individual and grandparents are often a soft landing.

Whinesalot · 24/09/2017 09:59

I think visiting him one day a week but coming home to sleep at yours would be more than enough for a student and is a natural point for the apron strings to be untied.

Unless there are special needs involved it, seems very odd that the son wants this.

QueenBeex · 24/09/2017 10:43

OP you've been to HIS house a year ago, so you're aware of the address etc. Just show up one weekend? Surely he isn't gunna kick off and argue about it once you're there in front of the children and his son.

Butterymuffin · 24/09/2017 10:52

if he has bills in his own house, he can't realistically be paying again at the OPs house.

I disagree. He's chosen to keep his house on, he shouldn't just expect OP to fully subsidise him living at hers all week because he wants to split his time between two addresses. If he can't afford both he needs to move properly to one or the other. But he adds to OP's costs of living without paying his way.

OP, ask him how the arrangement will work when his son starts uni. Will son move into his house full time? Is he going to subsidise that and not ask him to pay rent? If so, you're basically also subsidising that.. for someone who is refusing even to meet you. I wouldn't be keen.

Thymeout · 24/09/2017 12:06

You compare your situation with 'a normal family'. But it'll never be the same as two people with no previous marriages and no step-children. I can understand the 19 yr old not wanting to be a part of your family. He doesn't need a step-mother or step-siblings, especially so much younger. Does his mother's new partner have children? If he doesn't live with her, he won't be expected to be part of the new couple's life.

You talk about the situation continuing 'indefinitely', but there will come a time when the 19 yr old is living independently and has his own life. I think he sees this more clearly than you do. What's the point in getting involved in a new family, and not one of his choosing, when he's at the age when he'll be loosening family ties? As pp have said, there will come a time when he will be so busy with his own life that he won't have time to see his dad so frequently.

So that all feels pretty normal in this situation. What is not normal is living somewhere for most of the week and not making a financial contribution to the household. That can't go on indefinitely. Would he consider selling his house and the two of you buying something together? If he doesn't want to marry, a joint property would be some sign of long-term commitment. If he's not ready for that, he should at least be working towards renting it out and using the rent to pay a share of the bills where he lives most of the time.

Otherwise, yes. There's no commitment to you or your children and it's unfair, especially to the children, to allow the situation to continue indefinitely.

Gemini69 · 24/09/2017 12:29

so his fun weekend time off.. is spent with someone else... WTF get rid OP

SandyY2K · 24/09/2017 12:41

The if he has bills in his own house, he can't realistically be paying again at the OPs house.

Should read TBF . Not the.

I just don't think he wants to live with you full time. His son is a convenient excuse and at 19, he really wouldn't need a regular schedule like that to see his dad.

OP, I'm assuming the son just drops over to see his mum when he wants to.

He doesn't go over there for 2 days?

The bottom line is thdt if you want a relationship or marriage where you live in the same house.... don't hold your breath.

It's not going to happen at all with him, or at least for another 3/4 years... at a minimum.

Whether the reasons he says are true or not, the facts are the facts.

You have the information to make a decision.

Redglitter · 24/09/2017 15:32

so his fun weekend time off.. is spent with someone else.

No it's not the weekend. The OP never at any time said he went every weekend for some reason after one person mentioned the weekend others have jumped on the bandwagon

He sees his son 2 days a week. It varies from week to week which days it is.

ohherewegoagain · 24/09/2017 15:34

Sounds suspicious to me. I reckon he tells his other family that he works mon-Fri out of town and then on 2 days of the week he comes back home.

Doesnt sound like there is a future here, walk away.

Original poster

Oldname · 24/09/2017 15:50

So bf confronted his son and the reason his son won't meet me is that bf's ex apparently took the beak up worse than he thought and attempted suicide. BF didn't know this and his son blames him for leaving therefore won't meet me.
I understand his reasons now but not sure where that leaves us.

OP posts:

MyBrilliantDisguise · 24/09/2017 15:55

Oh come on - do you believe this?

He's a cocklodger. I'm sure his ex would be amazed to learn she'd attempted suicide. For one thing, surely his son would've had to live with his dad while she was in hospital?

MaisyPops · 24/09/2017 16:12

Hmmm. I smell bullshit OP.

You confont him and only at this point does he suddenly get told that his ex attempted suicide. If that was true and his son felt that strongly then I would bet money that wpuld already have been slung at him in an argument when he was 'fighting your corner' with his son.

All a bit too convenient. I wouldn't believe a word he says OP. He has a lovely set uo where 5/7 of the week someone else looks after them and funds his life and yet he decamps when he likes to his own place / other family.

Frazzled2207 · 24/09/2017 16:24

If the stepson blames bf for leaving his mum what has that to do with you?
But if it's true it's stepson's prerogative nothing you can do about that.
I find it odd and fishy that he doesn't want to move in with you though, surely that would
Make financial sense and it wouldn't stop him seeing his stepson.

Ropsleybunny · 24/09/2017 16:56

He could easily have a committed life with you, with shared finances etc., and still see his son. Nothing adds up here, I smell bullshit.

expatinscotland · 24/09/2017 17:00

Wow, he saw you coming. I smell bullshit, too.

Bluntness100 · 24/09/2017 17:12

I don't know about this. It's very very strange indeed. I honestly suspect this is not about the son but about your partner wanting his own place and time away, it's an excuse to not commit. Sorry op, he's having his cake and eating it.

Notears · 24/09/2017 17:16

You said you weren't the other woman so what did the break up have to do with you?

Original poster

Oldname · 24/09/2017 17:54

I assume he doesn't think his dad should have someone new, or that me being on the scene prevents them from getting back together. They were well split up before he met me.
I agree it's nothing to do with me but that's the excuse given.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 24/09/2017 18:00

For "son" read "other relationship"

You are very naive, op

Original poster

Oldname · 24/09/2017 18:03

Really Anyfucker?

He texts when he's not with me. He's with me 5 nights out of 7. I have spoken to his ex and she knows about me, as do his dad and brother.
I get that it may be a fear of commitment but logistically how could it be another relationship? He has most of his belongings at my house.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 24/09/2017 18:07

Not necessarily the ex you know about

There is a part of his life he is keeping separate from you and giving you bullshit reasons as to why.

I don't believe a word of it and neither do you, or you would not be here

EezerGoode · 24/09/2017 18:13

Are you sure there is a son? I've not read the whole thread,but I'd be thinking something sounds dodgy here.most 19 yr olds are out on the pull or whatever at weekends..I vote he's got a woman on the side ,or another family who he says he's at work to when's he's with you.or he's still shagging the ex and dosnt want to son to tell you...but something smells fishy here

EezerGoode · 24/09/2017 18:19

Pls tell he's paying his share for the 5 nights he's at yrs ....that's half of everything for 5 nights..add up all yr bills devide by 7.. ...add up 5/7 th and he pays half of that.

gillybeanz · 24/09/2017 18:21

It sounds like he has a double life OP.
His son is a convenient story to concoct a lie.
Have some self respect and ditch him.

Kr1s · 24/09/2017 18:33

This all sounds most implausible. I don't know any 19yp who want to spend 2 entire days and nights, one on one , every week, with their former step father. They want to be out socialising / doing sport / playing with their mates / gaming.

Your bf has another woman. Or women.

Or he's just a cock lodger who likes you providing free meals, sex and laundry for him 5 nights a week, while he goes home to relax on his days off.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6