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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Will never get married or meet his child - should I just walk away?

145 replies

Oldname · 23/09/2017 18:28

Hive been with bf for three years. Started off very rocky but he's changed a lot and finally we seem to be at a settled point. I have two dc's ( 4 and 6) and bf lives with us 5 nights a week and stays at his 2 nights to see his son who is 19.
In order to make life easier all round and to not feel like I'm the other woman (never was), I've asked all this time to meet his son; was fobbed off repeatedly then finally told last night that son refuses to meet me. His son has meet his mother's new partner and that was fine.
So now I've been told that it will never happen. As long as his son wants to my bf will be up there two nights every week without us, when it comes to Christmas bf will leave us at midday to spend the rest with his son.
I'm now feeling like I can't see a future, or that I'm not good enough for bf to commit to or something. In addition we had a talk about marriage and bf said he didn't believe in it - despite having previously been engaged!
I'm frightened to end it because I love him and so do the kids - but I feel really unsatisfied and resentful.

Any advice appreciated please

OP posts:
RonSwansonsMoustache · 24/09/2017 18:47

I bet you there's another ex somewhere. Just because the mother of his step-child knows about you, doesn't mean he hasn't got another girlfriend in the meantime. I bet he stays with her the other two nights, and tells her he works away on rotating shifts.

Frazzled2207 · 24/09/2017 19:28

I think you should turn up one night he is at his other house.

QueenBeex · 24/09/2017 19:29

You know where he lives you've been there before, I don't understand why you don't just show up at his ?

Bluntness100 · 24/09/2017 19:45

Where as i don't know if it's another relationship. I do think this man is lying to you and using his son as a convenient excuse and I think you know it too. His son might be fine to meet you, he may be the one stopping it, and he could easily have more belongings at the house.

The only reason he's keeping his place is because that's exactly what he wants to do.

No 19 year old wants their parent there at the weekends and the son will have a social life. The fact the days keep changing is strange. He's lying to you, I just don't know why.

It could be as simple as he's not committed and he likes two days away a week from you all, or it could indeed be he has someone else he sees on those two days a week,and he lies to her about where he is the other five days.

SandyY2K · 24/09/2017 20:17

That's nonsense about the suicide. His Ex has a new man.

You weren't the OW.

The Ex has spoken to you.

It's twaddle.

I come back to the fact that even if you believe this story, where does that leave you?

He's never going to live with you.

My bet...

  1. He's either got another woman

OR

  1. He just doesn't see you as a forever relationship and as such, he doesn't see the point in you meeting his son. He wants his place to retreat to and it's easier to end a relationship when you don't live properly.

You've met his dad and brother just once. He could easily say he's no longer with you.

It just doesn't seem like your fully an integral part of his life.

Gemini69 · 24/09/2017 22:46

He clearly has no backbone.. not correcting an ill advised 19 year old step-son.. who is he trying to kid.. You ? or himself.. ? it's utter bollocks OP.. these decisions and choices have all been made by your Partner because they suit him entirely ... he does not want to share your life like a marriage.. he wants his cake and eat it.. win/win ... he simply blames his step-son because he can Flowers

Lots0fDaysOfff · 24/09/2017 23:22

"will you ever get married ?"

I dont think that this is the man for you

His words and actions speak clearly that he does not want marriage or long term committment to you

Ilovetolurk · 25/09/2017 06:11

I think he just likes the security of keeping his own place
He can go there 2 nights a week to maintain his independence and spend time with his son
It's called having his cake and eating it and I can see the appeal of this life
If you want more then you will need to have a serious discussion
Even if you don't push this, if he is at yours 5 nights out of 7 he should be contributing 5/7ths of your running costs including mortgage interest

Applesandpears56 · 25/09/2017 06:21

Are you even sure the son exists?! Have you seen photos?!

Something is up here and I agree I think he's using the son as an excuse. Insist on spending more time at his house.

Are you sure you weren't the other woman without knowing??

Applesandpears56 · 25/09/2017 06:29

In fact all you have to do is go round Tuesday when your kids are at school and see what's happening at his house - does it look like a uni student is living there?!
Did he adopt his ex's son? I'm sorry but no way if a woman was at the stage of commuting suicude over a man would she then agree to her soon living with that man in his house for uni.

intimeandspace · 25/09/2017 06:34

Astounding. Fully agree with AnyFucker. This is total bullshit. Please, please just go over and surprise him. They will tell you everything you need to know. Out of interest do you ever actually speak on his "days off"? Easy for him to text you but he won't call if his other woman is there.

Timefortea99 · 25/09/2017 06:36

The most practical thing would be to drop around to his house on a day he is there. Is his son even there?

All odd.

Never make somebody a priority in your life when you are just an option in theirs. An old adage - and one that is relevant here.

SallyOMalley · 25/09/2017 06:39

This guy sounds so much like my ex. He like to keep all the separate facets of his life in different boxes. I never met his work colleagues, some (not all) friends were out of bounds, and he just wasn't interested in getting to know my life went I went to uni. we only went on holiday together literally a handful of times over the 12 years we were together. (Sounds so shit when I write it down - I was a very naïve teenager when we met!).

He's been married 13 or 14 years now, and our mutual friends that we did have don't know his wife at all - they haven't been introduced. My dearest friend was at college with him (I was allowed to meet her!), Is still close to him and yet does not know his wife.

OP, he might be telling the truth. Your dp may be superb at keeping his life in lots of little boxes. If he's like my ex, he's unlikely to change and there's a certain selfish self-centredness about someone like this. Looking back to my 20s/early 30s, I should have jumped ship many many years before we split, as it wasn't the basis for a a healthy relationship. Hope you get it sorted either way Flowers

Applesandpears56 · 25/09/2017 06:46

Oh sally bless you - I think you do need to look back now and know your ex had another ow or was married too surely you can see that?!

SallyOMalley · 25/09/2017 06:51

No he definitely wasn't married - I know that much! He moved in with his now wife 4 months after we split so I do think he was probably seeing her before. Apart from that, I really don't know. Looking back, I didn't know much at all about him! Wasted my 20s with that one ....

Applesandpears56 · 25/09/2017 06:57

You are definitely better off without him!

PsychedelicSheep · 25/09/2017 07:10

Why are people stating ‘no 19 year old does this/that’? There are 19 year olds and 19 year olds. It’s completely plausible that this one might choose to spend time with his step dad at weekends. Maybe he struggles socially and has no friends or hobbies? We don’t know that but it’s possible.

Personally, I wouldn’t have a problem with this. You don’t need to live in each other’s pockets just because you’re in a relationship. I like a bit of space me! Plus it gives you quality time with your own kids at weekends. And marriage isn’t something to get hung up on imo. Lots of people don’t want to get married a second time after divorce. It’s perfectly understandable and normal not to want to.

If it’s really that important to you to get married that you’ll end the relationship over it then that’s obviously your prerogative. But it seems a bit unnecessary if you’re otherwise happy.

Oldname · 25/09/2017 07:12

To answer a previous poster - no he doesn't ring me generally when he's at his. He doesn't like talking on the phone. Sometimes he'll ring when he's on his way home from the car - in order not to eat into time spent with his son.
He has called me once or twice when his son was there I think.
I won't just turn up at his - he doesn't want me there and I wouldn't lower myself any further.
I've asked him to answer my questions and his response is that he's picking his things up tomorrow and leaving.

OP posts:
Oldname · 25/09/2017 07:15

He's never been married, neither have I.
Marriage is important to me - it's saying you're the one I want for the rest of my life. Not only that but living together full time is important to me. I've always been clear about that with him and only now is it something that won't happen.
Marriage he said he was 'coming round' to the idea which completely ruins the whole thing for me. I don't want to marry someone who had to come round to the idea.

OP posts:
Applesandpears56 · 25/09/2017 07:19

You are a bit deluded thinking about marriage with this guy - your relationship is so far from there- you need to think about normal relationship first before letting marriage be a possibility here

It's not 'lowering yourself' to go round to your boyfriends house - you been going out 3 years ffs - it's the problem that he's put these barriers in place and you've accepted them

You need to leave this man asap

Kr1s · 25/09/2017 07:20

So as soon as you ask him questions, he threatens to leave ? How do you feel about that ?

You aren't even living together now, not in the usual sense of the word, when people share costs and responsibilities . He's just lodging at yours and getting full domestic servicing for free.

Kr1s · 25/09/2017 07:34

Why are people stating ‘no 19 year old does this/that’? There are 19 year olds and 19 year olds. It’s completely plausible that this one might choose to spend time with his step dad at weekends. Maybe he struggles socially and has no friends or hobbies?

Well it's not weekends , the OPs BF has different days off each week. And yet his step son is still supposedly there with him for the 48 hours solidly. So much so that he can't even make a phone call or send a text.

And no one on the thread believes this because many of us have teenagers who are at college / university and none of them behave like this. And presumably this lad was at school until recently and yet he still had this odd timetable of being off school for any two days that his former step dad was off work.

So yes, it's odd to have a school AND a university course that gives you two days a week off but different days each week depending on your former step dads shifts. This lad is probably at the only school in the UK that does this and then, by complete coincidences at the only university course in the U.K. that also does this.

And then, in another huge coincidence, he's the only 19yo in the UK who has no friends, hobbies, interests and spends no time online. And on the days he sees his former step dad they do things all day every day and all evening.

Oh and he used to live with his grandparents but now he lives with his mothers former partner but he's never lived with his mother or his father.

So all in all a very unusual set up.

That's why people don't find it plausible.

Oldname · 25/09/2017 07:51

He's not with him the whole time always. If he's at school/ university bf will do maintenance around the house.
As far as I know they all lived together in bf's house, then his ex and son moved back to her parents where son still spends lost of his time - he goes to bf's house when he's there.

OP posts:
Oldname · 25/09/2017 07:52

I'm not defending it - just explaining why I've not questioned it much.

OP posts:
Kr1s · 25/09/2017 08:23

Thanks for explaining Oldname.

How do you feel about his threat to leave if you question him ?