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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is it rape if you're married?

70 replies

WhyDidItHappen · 22/09/2017 14:56

NC'd for this.

If you say "I don't really want to do that" and he carries on, is it really rape?

If he shouts and bangs when you refuse to have sex, but doesn't actually hit you, what's that?

I need a stern AnyFucker talking to.

Divorced from this man now. But minimising in my head.

It wasn't as bad as some have had it

OP posts:

juneybean · 22/09/2017 14:57

It was rape :(

The banging and shouting was emotional abuse.

I'm sorry this happened to you x

Redglitter · 22/09/2017 14:58

No means no regardless of who he is. Yes it's still rape. The fact you were married makes no difference

MyBrilliantDisguise · 22/09/2017 14:58

Yes, it is rape. I'm so sorry he's done that to you. I'm really glad you're divorcing him.

Shouting and banging around the place sounds like coercion. Does he really think you're going to change your mind and suddenly want to sleep with a man who does that?

There will always be people who have it worse. Always. You can't let that stop you from recognising what's happened to you.

Do you have children together?

Toblernone · 22/09/2017 14:59

It's always rape if you didn't or couldn't consent

It's always rape if you're pressured /coerced into it, even if it's not worth actual violence

It's always rape even if it's not as bad as someone else's experience or 'only' happened once

Unmumsnetty hugs

Toblernone · 22/09/2017 15:00

*with, not worth!

Rubyslippers7780 · 22/09/2017 15:00

It was rape. As soon as you say 'no' it is.
He has tried to threaten you by physically bashing things. He sounds awful. Glad you are free.

newtlover · 22/09/2017 15:01

yes of course it, as you know
it must be hard to accept
I would suggest you talk to someone IRL, either 1-1 (a counsellor) or go to a group like freedom programme wher you will see it as part of a pattern of abusive behaviour- that many women have experienced, and survived, and can put behind them
best of luck

ConorMcGregorsChin · 22/09/2017 15:01

OP, so sorry this has happened to you. And it must have been playing on your mind for some time.

As far as you not having it as bad as some others, rape is not marked 'out of 10' so you don't need to minimise it. Maybe seek some counselling. It sounds like it needs to come out. You don't have to do any more. Just talk to someone about it.

Foniks · 22/09/2017 15:02

No is no, doesn't matter if it's a stranger or somebody you've been with for 50 years.

I'm sorry you had to go through this, but glad to hear you're divorced now. Lots of people do minimise things like this, you're not alone in doing that. He was disgusting.
It wasn't as bad as some have it is part of it. Others going through other things doesn't make yours any better. Don't ever think he was justified just because you were married.

ModreB · 22/09/2017 15:04

Yes, every time. Every single time. Being married to someone, doesn't give them rights over your body.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 22/09/2017 15:06

I have trouble getting my head round this too because it means ex-H raped me too. There was no violence, no threats but I said "No" and pulled away but he carried on, I wanted to scream but didn't because I didn't want to scare the kids. I hear where you are coming from Why I really do.

Original poster

WhyDidItHappen · 22/09/2017 15:30

We were married for more than a decade. It happened many times. I've been referred to a psychiatrist as it looks like I have c-PTSD.

Ive had some CBT and started the freedom programme.
It's all coming back into my head with flashbacks etc.

Feel like I will never be free of it or him.

Needed to write it down and be validated so it's not just me being over sensitive or dramatic.

We had children together. Going to court soon re: contact and he's bullying every step of the way. He looks so charming and wonderful I don't think the courts will believe me

OP posts:

Original poster

WhyDidItHappen · 22/09/2017 15:31

Thank you for all your lovely messages. Wonderful vipers

OP posts:

Original poster

WhyDidItHappen · 22/09/2017 15:47

@hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman sorry you've been through it too

It's such a theft. To do that and then say it wasn't wrong, that it was all in my head or it was my fault. It's so messed up.

OP posts:

shushpenfold · 22/09/2017 15:49

Yes, it bloody is! Don't ever doubt it.

OlennasWimple · 22/09/2017 15:53

It's been rape in the eyes of the law (in the UK) since 1991

hellsbellsmelons · 22/09/2017 15:53

I'm sorry you've been through this.
It's awful.
Have you had any support from Rape Crisis?
They will have specialist counsellors.

Shoxfordian · 22/09/2017 15:57

Yes it was rape

Please consider calling Rape Crisis

Glad he's your ex

Wolfiefan · 22/09/2017 15:59

You are completely and totally NOT being dramatic or over sensitive. Not at all. Being married does not give a man the right to have sex with you whenever and wherever he wants.
I am so very sorry this happened to you. The shouting and banging is intimidating. It's abuse.
The way you say don't REALLY want to. Makes it sound like you were scared of him. I'm guessing he may have affected you more than physically. Made you scared, doubt yourself, convinced you it was your fault or you wanted it really. All Classic abuser tricks.

Original poster

WhyDidItHappen · 22/09/2017 16:01

Hells bells I've not spoken to rape crisis. It wasn't recent and I don't think they would be bothered about someone like me. It's not like it was a dark alley or he threatened me at knife point or anything.

Reading that back it sounds so pathetic. I'm a feminist and if my friend told me that I'd say it was rape, just so hard to admit it to myself. Wish I never had to see him again.

OP posts:

Lokisglowstickofdestiny · 22/09/2017 16:04

Please don't think Rape Crisis wouldn't be bothered - they would, contact them.

Original poster

WhyDidItHappen · 22/09/2017 16:04

wolfiefan yes he was very much a bully. 'The water torturer' according to Lundy Buncroft. You'd never think it though. I look unstable and unhinged and he looks like butter wouldn't melt.

He's in a new relationship now and he thinks that's why I've stopped the kids seeing him. It's actually because they were coming home confused, upset and shouted at.

I was terrified of stopping contact, of what his reaction would be but I couldn't leave my kids to face him alone without doing anything.

When I left I couldn't even remember my favourite colour- just the one he told me it should be.

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 22/09/2017 16:05

Someone like you. They exist to help someone like you. You deserve help and support.
A dark alley and a knife don't automatically make it a "worse" rape. You seem to think it wasn't really rape because you were married. (Or maybe because of mind games he pulled.)
You aren't pathetic. You are struggling to process a horrendous thing.

Original poster

WhyDidItHappen · 22/09/2017 16:06

Lokisglowstick even though it was in the past? I might call them on Monday. DCs have SN so struggle to have proper phone calls when they are home.

I don't want to waste their time.

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 22/09/2017 16:06

Not me OP. Not my DH. But I have direct experience of a man like this. When she eventually left nobody believed it. He was a respectable, professional man who could be charm personified. At home he was abusive and we were all fucking terrified.

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