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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it rape if you're married?

70 replies

WhyDidItHappen · 22/09/2017 14:56

NC'd for this.

If you say "I don't really want to do that" and he carries on, is it really rape?

If he shouts and bangs when you refuse to have sex, but doesn't actually hit you, what's that?

I need a stern AnyFucker talking to.

Divorced from this man now. But minimising in my head.

It wasn't as bad as some have had it

OP posts:
Original poster
WhyDidItHappen · 22/09/2017 16:08

wolfie yes, I 'think' it's not that bad because he said "you can't seriously mean that? It was both of us together"
But it wasn't. I didn't want to. It hurt. I asked him not to. It's been three years and the flashbacks are awful. Like he breaks into my house, rapes me and then says the divorce doesn't count.

It wasn't my fault. It was rape.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhyDidItHappen · 22/09/2017 16:09

wolfie terrified is the right word Sad

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 22/09/2017 16:13

Your experience is as much rape as the dark alley with a knife scenario. Rape crisis will not minimise it.

Please get in touch with them and get some help.

Your local NHS mental health service may be able to refer you to a sexual violence team too.

You can and should get help with this and, if you can, you should report it to the police.

Lokisglowstickofdestiny · 22/09/2017 16:14

Yes, even for past events - you are having to deal with the trauma now. Please contact them.

cottonwoolbrain · 22/09/2017 16:15

whydidithappen I'm sorry he raped you.

A dark alleyway and a knife is not the only way it happens. He forced you. He decided you were having sex. You objected. He wouldn't stop. Thats rape. I'm sorry.

Why not have a look at Rape Crisis's page on Myths about rape Have a think about which ones apply to you and your situation...

Take time, recover slowly, remember this wasnt your fault and you did nothing to deserve it

SunSeaAndSangria · 22/09/2017 16:15

How awful Sad please get help. Yes it's rape.

Wolfiefan · 22/09/2017 16:15

Yes. But also weirdly you end up thinking that's normal. Sad
Thankfully my DH is nothing like that. My life is better now. And she stayed away from him. She's safe and happy now. Wishing the same for you OP. Flowers

Original poster
WhyDidItHappen · 22/09/2017 16:35

From the local rape crisis website "if a woman is.....forced...coerced or terrified, she is not capable of being able to give consent" ShockSad

I'm going to phone them on Monday.

I feel like I'm shock but also so relieved that someone believes me. The relief of admitting it to myself, that it really did happen, that it wasn't my fault. It's so painful.

Thank you x

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 22/09/2017 16:56

I honestly can't imagine how painful this must be to face.
But you've taken the right steps.
You can now get some proper professional support to help you come to terms with what happened to you.
I'm so glad you realise that it was rape and that Rape Crisis can help.
Do call them on Monday.
They are there for anyone who was raped. Historical or present.
Start the process to get this underway.
Look after yourself this weekend.
Try to confide in a close friend if you can.
Sharing such a burden may help a little until you get the support you so so deserve!

Original poster
WhyDidItHappen · 22/09/2017 17:19

Thank you hellsbells the DC and I are going to stay with a good friend this weekend anyway.

I might even be brave enough to tell her tonight. I know she wouldn't judge me and would believe me.

OP posts:
MarieAndHerLittleLamb · 22/09/2017 17:22

A good friend of mine contacted rape crisis.
She was raped in her own bed and had buried the memory so deep that she didn't even 'remember' it for quite a few years.

The counsellor at Rape Crisis was amazing and knew her job very very well.

I would really recommend contacting them.

And yes it was a rape :(

KanyeWesticle · 22/09/2017 17:24

He was an abusive rapist.

BeerBaby · 22/09/2017 17:26

You can be raped if your married to the rapist. You didn't want to. He knew that but forced you. He's violent and threatening to you until he gets his way. He doesn't care what you want your just there to entertain and have sex with.

You know he's not going to change. You know your not happy. It's likely he'll get worse.

You know you need to get away from this.

It's incredibly hard. Harder than you'd ever imagine.....until you make your decision and get away from him. Then the relief hits you.

BeerBaby · 22/09/2017 17:32

The flashbacks are caused by the trauma. It's your brains way of trying to put the memories in the right place but the trauma prevents it which is why haven't gone and just pop up.

All of this is 100% normal op. Your not going mad. Your not making it up.
Rape Crisis Helpline
Freephone 0808 802 9999

12 noon - 2.30pm and 7 - 9.30pm every day of the year.

Give them a ring. They really are the best people to help and they know what their doing.

BeerBaby · 22/09/2017 17:41

I didn't realise your not with him any more. Well done op. The courage it takes to go through this is something you never fully realise until its sorted. The courts and seeing him will be triggering your PTSD. It's horrific but all completely normal.

Rape Crisis will care. I've been involved with them for years and it's more common to work with women after years have passed. You can overcome this. I've seen women flourish. It's not easy but it does happen.

I wish you all the luck and happiness possible. One day op, one day it will be you supporting others through this but for now you must heal.

AngelsSins · 22/09/2017 19:18

OP I hope you can regain some feeling of control and strength by the fact that in the end, you didn't put up with his shit, you said no, and you left him. That takes a lot of courage and strength.

Original poster
WhyDidItHappen · 22/09/2017 19:30

Thank you all x

I had to leave. I knew it was getting bad , definitely got worse after the DC were born. I put up with emotional affairs and the abuse for years because I though he had MN issues and I should be supportive.

Then I found out he'd been cheating for nearly a decade. Had to go in for full GuM clinic tests due to the stuff he'd been involved with Angry

When I found out, I confronted him and told him he had 48 hours to find somewhere else to live. I am proud of that. It was scary but I knew it was the end and I deserved better.

Wish I could summon that strength now; the flashbacks are awful. Burst into tears or shakes at the most random triggers Sad

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 22/09/2017 20:43

Have you considered getting the police involved, OP?

Original poster
WhyDidItHappen · 22/09/2017 20:45

brilliantdisguise they'd laugh me out the station- I don't have dates or any physical proof.
I don't think they'd believe me Sad

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 22/09/2017 21:04

I think it would be worth talking to them. They certainly wouldn't laugh at you. What about all these cases of historical sexual abuse? There's no evidence there.

Did you talk to anyone about it at the time? Did you ever send him messages about it?

BeerBaby · 22/09/2017 21:18

The police wouldn't laugh at you however it can be a very tough thing to report and I don't think your ready to do this at the moment. You need to build yourself back up again and to do this you need to work through and get treatment for your trauma.

Flashbacks can be horrendous and frequently result in instant panic. Feelings of no control and complete fear. They are so powerful you'd never believe it unless you've had them.

Op people will believe you! Nobody on here has questioned anything you've said. We all believe what you telling us happened and alot more women will manage to get on with their day to day lives. Looking perfectly normal but underneath crumbling and going through everything you are.

Talking about this even on here is amazingly brave. Seeking face to face help from people who I know how this works is extremely hard, very overwhelming but essential for your recovery.

This did happen to you. It has deeply affected you. Under all the flashbacks, trauma and fear is the real you which is the but that's pushing to get well. Listen to that part of you. I can really see this part of you fighting through. Trust this part of you Flowers

Original poster
WhyDidItHappen · 26/09/2017 14:10

Update- have had a few really good therapy sessions and I'm going to the local Rape crisis center on Monday for a chat and advice.

I'm feeling very scared about taking that step but it needs to come out.

OP posts:
mydogmymate · 26/09/2017 14:26

Good luck op. It happened to me too with my exh and it's taken me years to process it. Be kind to yourself Flowers

strongasmeringue · 26/09/2017 17:01

Good luck for Monday.

Just to say, sometimes there are points of evidence for old cases but it's still worth going even if not. But anything counts, if you made a note in a diary, went to the GP for anything related etc.

hellsbellsmelons · 26/09/2017 17:43

Well done OP.
It does need to come out.
And you are one brave woman for confronting it.
I hope it all goes well on Monday.