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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Friends took sides with my ex.....devastated

146 replies

3539jaj · 21/09/2017 21:19

In a nutshell I had an affair and my husband and me split.

Amongst all this my closest friends
admittedly found it hard as they socialised with my ex and me...

Basically I found the whole thing hugely stressful as you do (never once denying it wasn't of my doing) and possibly I was acting a little out of character looking back....

However these friends very unexpectedly were not really there for me. They still see my ex and have been horrible to me to others and it has hurt me unbelievably. I have had counselling but it still plays on my mind a lot.

My "friends" feel hurt by me?! And keep playing the victim. They are manipulating people at work.

My one friend and I were almost
Reconciling then I think the other
Was jealous
And therefore shit stirred and causes so much pain to the other (for selfish gain I can only assume)

Everyone else has stayed out of this mess but they haven't.
It's all my fault blah blah blah (which i have never denied) but they can't seem to move on. It's just weird and is horrid for our other colleagues )who are like "it's ur life etc....."

My heart was broken by it but finally coming to terms with the loss of them. It was so unnecessary of them to get involved and make
Things much harder for me. When I've said that all
I get is "it's not all about you" which i know. They just don't get the point that they should have stayed out and just been a friend to me through a pants time.

Doesn't help as well that my ex has manipulated them to hurt me as I hurt him.

Has anyone had the loss of close friends during a bad break up?? And how did u cope. I feel it's similar
To grief.....

I miss them but now feel pity also now.....felt like posting this

OP posts:

Report

SonicBoomBoom · 21/09/2017 22:43

Has there been some Facebook bitching or pointed "likes" of things on your ex's page?

Seems like that sort of scenario.

WhoWants2Know · 21/09/2017 22:45

Things aren't always as straightforward as "devil woman cheats and breaks heart of innocent angelic husband." So I wouldn't necessarily end a solid friendship for that on its own.

SamoyedSam · 21/09/2017 22:46

BaconandBees : OP, you write as so well. You're not a journo are you?

Ha ha ha..."you write AS so well"??! The irony! Your punctuation is dodgy too: there should be a space after a comma.

HTH.

MiddleClassProblem · 21/09/2017 22:47

But I'm assuming if you told these friends about the affair then you also told them about any issues with DH?

MiddleClassProblem · 21/09/2017 22:47

Or H

3539jaj · 21/09/2017 22:53

Whowants2know

Yes well said. To add to it the one
Friends
Judgement, I suspect she likes my exhub and suspect he liked her back?

OP posts:

PacificDogwod · 21/09/2017 22:53

Actions have consequences; sometimes unanticipated ones.

You do not get to decide for your friends on how they feel about your affair.

3539jaj · 21/09/2017 22:55

Middleclassproblem

The other friend always said "we didn't go
Together"
And we were such a "odd couple"

They both knew had strains on our relationship

OP posts:

ReanimatedSGB · 21/09/2017 23:00

I wouldn't dump a friend for cheating on a partner, myself. But then I don't make a fetish out of monogamy: sometimes affairs are a useful way out of a relationship that's either awful or basically dead but neither partner will admit it.
Is your XH one of those sympathy vampires who's never done anything wrong ever, only everyone else is always so mean to him, boohoo? Was he a rubbish partner who put on a good act in public?

3539jaj · 21/09/2017 23:03

Not really but he has certainly manipulated these 2 women to get to me so he's been clever (wonder if they realise it)

Think he wanted out too but like u say not got the guts

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 21/09/2017 23:05

My friend cheating and I've distanced myself from her. I don't like the sneaky and deceitful way she's introduced the OM to her DH and he doesn't have a clue what's going on.

Your friends have made their choice. That's their prerogative.

MiddleClassProblem · 21/09/2017 23:06

not got the guts nor did you, you cheated

existentialmoment · 21/09/2017 23:07

They just don't get the point that they should have stayed out and just been a friend to me through a pants time

They don't have to do any of the sort.

I would have dropped you once I found out you were cheating.

SandyY2K · 21/09/2017 23:08

sometimes affairs are a useful way out of a relationship that's either awful or basically dead

Absolute immaturity. A fully functioning responsible adult ends it and moves on.

Whatever happened to morals and decency.

PacificDogwod · 21/09/2017 23:08

They both knew had strains on our relationship

That is no excuse for cheating.
I suspect you friends would feel differently about you had you split up from your husband and then had a new relationship.

3539jaj · 21/09/2017 23:11

I know I handled
It badly and could have made better choices I owned up to that

I have punished myself and been punished enough and trust me there have been some very dark days

I owned up to my wrongs

Surely they can move on?

Just going round and round

OP posts:

3539jaj · 21/09/2017 23:12

What's with all the

OP posts:

3539jaj · 21/09/2017 23:13

Bolding? Are you really all
Soooo perfect ?

OP posts:

MyOtherProfile · 21/09/2017 23:15

Maybe they would find it hard to be friends with your ex and with you since they saw the effect your cheating had on him so chose to stay friends with him.

PacificDogwod · 21/09/2017 23:15

Bolding is a standard way of quoting (usually bits posted by the OP) on MN.

No perfection here, sadly

DamsonGin · 21/09/2017 23:16

If you actually want them to move on, you need to give them time and not do the whole poor friendless me thing. You are not a victim in this. That's speaking honestly from your friends' shoes.

existentialmoment · 21/09/2017 23:24

Are you really all Soooo perfect
I've never fucked someone else while married, and I've never whined that my friends didn't support me to do so, so yeah, I'm a bit more perfect than you.

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MiddleClassProblem · 21/09/2017 23:25

To me you just sound quite arrogant and in your own bubble. If you weren't then you wouldn't expect people to feel how you want them to.

Accept they have broken up with you. Move on. They have. Wonder if they are thinking "why can't she just get over us and move on?" Too

3539jaj · 21/09/2017 23:28

I have lots of supportive friends so don't think I am alone. God knows if it wasn't for them I think things could have been very different. I was remorseful u know- I am not a bitch.

Deep down I know our relationships are over.
Done. Never to be resurrected.

OP posts:

Beeziekn33ze · 21/09/2017 23:30

OP - Sorry but it reads as if they have moved on and you haven't.

Flip

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