Friends took sides with my ex.....devastated

[3539jaj]

In a nutshell I had an affair and my husband and me split.

Amongst all this my closest friends
admittedly found it hard as they socialised with my ex and me...

Basically I found the whole thing hugely stressful as you do (never once denying it wasn't of my doing) and possibly I was acting a little out of character looking back....

However these friends very unexpectedly were not really there for me. They still see my ex and have been horrible to me to others and it has hurt me unbelievably. I have had counselling but it still plays on my mind a lot.

My "friends" feel hurt by me?! And keep playing the victim. They are manipulating people at work.

My one friend and I were almost
Reconciling then I think the other
Was jealous
And therefore shit stirred and causes so much pain to the other (for selfish gain I can only assume)

Everyone else has stayed out of this mess but they haven't.
It's all my fault blah blah blah (which i have never denied) but they can't seem to move on. It's just weird and is horrid for our other colleagues )who are like "it's ur life etc....."

My heart was broken by it but finally coming to terms with the loss of them. It was so unnecessary of them to get involved and make
Things much harder for me. When I've said that all
I get is "it's not all about you" which i know. They just don't get the point that they should have stayed out and just been a friend to me through a pants time.

Doesn't help as well that my ex has manipulated them to hurt me as I hurt him.

Has anyone had the loss of close friends during a bad break up?? And how did u cope. I feel it's similar
To grief.....

I miss them but now feel pity also now.....felt like posting this

[heron98]

YANBU.

Yeah, you had an affair which is pretty shitty but that's got nothing to do with your friendship with them and nothing to do with them. They are being very righteous.

[thecatsthecats]

I have a friend who serially cheats or at least seriously phases out at the end of relationships.

The first time she did it to my other best friend. Because I was close to use both, I knew exactly how much she screwed him up.

Recently, a few of us found out that she cheated on her previous boyfriend with her now-fiance. I already had seen her cop off with someone else at a party at the end of her last relationship, so don't know if that guy also overlapped with her fiance.

Also, I have seen/heard of three other incidents of her grinding on/ kissing another man since getting together with her fiance 'officially'. The worst incident though was when we went on a night out together - I had a terrible cold that turned out to be a chest infection, but we don't see each other often. Except she buggered off to see this other guy who has been infatuated with her since they were teens, danced with him hand in hand in the club, gazing at each other adoringly, and her only just dodging him kissing her (as in turning so he hit the corner of her mouth, not just saying 'no'). I didn't get to head home until 3am, when we'd planned to be up til midnight.

Thing is, I think she'd say that her friends were more important than her partner too. Her fiance isn't a close friend of mine, but he's a decent bloke, and I feel like a liar in his presence.

Are you really positive that you haven't engaged with any selfish behaviour to your friends as a result of your affair? Lied to them? Said that you were with them on a night with the OM? Generally treated them like crap?

[WastedHours]

Agreed ravenmum.
It's hard enough going through a relationship breakdown/divorce without then having friends/family getting offended that you've not spoken to them about it. It then somehow manages to become all about them.

[ravenmum]

Sometimes the details are also just so detailed and complex that they could fill an entire novel and you'd come across as bonkers or at least obsessed and bitter trying to explain it all to someone.

[WastedHours]

Mamamagellanic - that sounds really tough
I agree about things to do with a split being very personal. It's so complex - involving so many things you might rather not share - even with your closest friends. Also you spend months, maybe years, having these conversations with your ex. It's quite nice not to talk about it with others.
It is then hard though if you choose not to share - and someone else does, and then the silence is somehow held against you - or people believe what they're told by another without question. As if, if you've done nothing wrong you should be happy to be sharing details with everyone, and getting their rubber stamp of approval that you've done the right thing.
There are other perfectly good reasons not to talk - like if there are children involved and you don't want to fan the flames of any dispute further, or spread gossip which might get back to them, or negatively impact their or your ex's relationship with other family members/friends.

[Pallisers]

I really feel for you Mamam and I agree you shouldn't have to justify yourself to anyone but I suppose I couldn't imagine not telling a dear friend or close family member something so momentous in my life - they would expect me to reach out for their support.

But if you just lost "friends" who only want gossip and a cheap thrill, then they are no loss to you - he deserves them.

[southernharp]

Not everyone condemns the cheater. My h cheated on me and there are 'friends' who no longer engage with me, I think because I had the audacity to be upset for a while after he moved his cheating arse out. There is one former friend who is actively unpleasant. As for neutrality, that simply serves to condone the cheater. My h is quite happy with neutrality as it is saying there is blame on both sides and then he doesn't have to wear the pain and humiliation he has caused. Just saying.

[Mamamagellanic]

Not sure where all the bold font came from, sorry!

[Mamamagellanic]

Pallisers I’m a private person, I don’t see why I should have to divulge every detail to anyone, especially when they didn’t even ask! Believe it or not, we stayed together a little while after the incident, people would’ve asked why I stayed.* I didn’t want to talk about the fertility stuff, without all the details it doesn’t make sense.*

‘Friends’ only appeared to rally when there was gossip to be had.* I don’t want the ins and outs of my emotional state to be gossip. So he did the explaining, and I bowed out.*

[Pallisers]

He shagged a girl at work while we were still together. I was undergoing fertility treatment at the time and life was tough. Nobody knows this, preferring to believe his loud tales of woe over my dignified silence.

Mamaangelic that is absolutely shit. I wonder though, why you feel the need to maintain a dignified silence. there isn't actually anything undignified about telling the significant people in your life the truth -
" he was unfaithful to me and unfaithful at a particularly vulnerable time too so of course we split. Naturally he will prefer to give other, fictitious, reasons for our divorce"

[shushpenfold]

The problem is that for every person who has been treated in that way (i.e. Other half had an affair) and for those who have close family members with the same experience, they may well bring this to the table and not want to forgive you.

[WastedHours]

mamanangelic - it's also my experience that dignified silence following a messy break-up gets you precisely nowhere with some people. Those who like to stick to the good guy/bad guy narrative - seem to see that as further evidence of covering up or 'sneaking around'. Of course, if you did the opposite and chose to speak out then you would be flamed for being insensitive and expecting people to take your side.
Any whiff of infidelity (regardless of whether there actually was any or not) - trumps everything else whether that's behaviour of ex pre break up or judgy behaviour of some people afterwards. It gives them all a free pass - and everything you say or do is assumed to have the worst possible motive. You'll always be the bad guy for them so move on and focus on those who don't feel the need to judge or take sides.

[astratty76666]

You cheated. Are you really surprised they sided with him?! Bed, made lie.

[FizzyGreenWater]

Well seeing as it's all such a shitstorm I think the best thing you can do now is hold your ex-friend to her own judgmental standards and spill the beans on her 3-year affair too. You did wrong, she's doing wrong - get it all out in the open I say!

[paranoidpammywhammy2]

I split up with a controlling, jealous ex that wanted my attention all the time and wouldn't leave me alone. My friends had all found him too much but as soon as we split (with no cheating from me) they took his side.

He bad mouthed me, accused me of cheating and then when I did find someone else - told everyone I'd been cheating on him all along. He upset my parents with his stories of what a bitch I'd been. He was phoning up in tears to everyone.

Eventually it all blew over but I could never return to the friendships without doubts about them. I realised later they were not good friendships and moved on. My ex-friends were more concerned about my wealthy ex than me.

[notacooldad]

To me a friend is a friend no matter what
Not true. One of our friends was caught grooming a 13 year old girl.He went to jail and came out expecting to pick up where he left. He couldn't understand why he wasn't included in 5 a side or the blokes didn't want him on a pub crawl. He used to say to us all, 'But we go back to primary school' Not one person wanted to be associated with him......no matter what!

[verystressedmum]

It does sound a bit that you're minimising your actions in all of this, but at the same time they've made a choice and there's not a lot you can do about it except move on.
There's always casualties in situations like this and friendships are one of them.

Fwiw I don't think I'd drop a friend if she had an affair just because she had an affair. There would have to be other reasons as well.
I don't sit in moral judgement on anyone so circumstances would have to come into it.

If the couple were mutual friends it would be harder I suppose, though the couple friends I have is because I'm friends with the woman and have then become friends with the husband so I don't think I'd actually drop her and become friends with him, but other couples are different in their friendships.

[nigelsbigface]

Sorry mamanangelic...that's bloody horrible
When it emerged my best friend had been having an affair with my h, whilst all the while allowing me and our other friends to run Around and worry after her because she was so 'depressed' that her own marriage was breaking up-she lost a few people. She is apparently amazed and outraged that people we were both close friends with feel betrayed by her (to a similar but lesser degree than me) and no longer speak to her.

It a crazy level of self entitlement to think that way and actually vocalise it to other people (who also know what she did). I think sometimes people can't recognise their own heinous behaviour sometimes and have such self belief that they genuinely can't see that they have done something wrong and hurt people in ways they can't come back from.

[mrpotato]

It sounds like you're minimising your part on this scenario. For your friends it might have come as quite a shock as they're mates with you and your ex. For one of their friends to have an affair and hurt one of their other friends would of course garner a stronger reaction as opposed to if they weren't friends with your ex. They're in the middle. You need to take it on the chin and work on getting your life back in order. It's naive to think you wouldn't face some criticism for your actions, if one of my best friends did that I would have obviously been shocked at their behaviour. Cheaters don't get off lightly and I'd do the same to a man as well as a woman

[Mamamagellanic]

My ex has firmly embedded himself in my ‘friendships’ and with some family members. He now has a new partner and she has slid into my old life seamlessly.

He shagged a girl at work while we were still together. I was undergoing fertility treatment at the time and life was tough. Nobody knows this, preferring to believe his loud tales of woe over my dignified silence.

It’s been a great test of my ‘friendships’- of which, it turns out, you don’t have many in life.

Cut them loose OP. New friends please.

[SecondChanceSaloon]

What do people consider to be supporting someone through an affair though? I mean in reality who the hell wants to know about a friend's exploits while cheating on their husband?

Even before I had the affair I would want to know how it had come about and urge the person doing it to leave their marriage or end the affair, but I wouldn't want to know the gory details really any more than I'd want to know the gory details of someone's new relationship. Neither would I want to divulge the details of either an affair or a new relationship to a friend beyond that I was seeing someone/my marriage was in trouble, although in this instance I didn't tell anyone.

I do agree though that people do often find it difficult to stay on the same wavelength with someone if they've left their partner for someone else, having said that, many people find it difficult to stay in the same friendships with people even if their relationships have ended and they've started a relationship with a new partner. Sometimes friendships are just fluid, if they're nasty just cut them off though.

[ferando81]

Why wouldn't you judge your friends?If that is your criteria then everyone can be your friend:a criminal,a liar,a thief etc.
I wouldn't worry about it too much .I had a good friend who was self-centred and tight he became jealous when I started making money -I cut him off because underneath it all I didn't really like him.A similar friend and I reacquainted after a fall out -the reason because underneath it all we liked each other.
If they like you they will miss your company and eventually come round

[Mustang27]

You are with the man you had the affair with? That’s your answer to why your friends can’t move on it feels like further insult to injury for them. If you had left them both and were now single possibly they would have been able to still remain friends with you but they feel like they are part of your dirty deed by continuing to be friends.

Unfortunately when you have an affair there is more than the marriage fall out to deal with you just have to move and try and make new friends. Easier said than done.

[Sooooooooooooooooooooo]

I couldn't support a friend who was having an affair. I would still be their friend but if they continued the affair I wouldn't want to know anything about it. Keep the details to yourself and don't come runnning to me if it goes wrong.

[fertilitykate]

OP - welcome to the world of MN where the cheater is evil personified regardless.
My partners Ex was an evil, mentally, physically and emotionally abusive piece of shit for years ....he left after merely kissing another woman but guess who's the cunt?