Friends took sides with my ex.....devastated

[3539jaj]

In a nutshell I had an affair and my husband and me split.

Amongst all this my closest friends
admittedly found it hard as they socialised with my ex and me...

Basically I found the whole thing hugely stressful as you do (never once denying it wasn't of my doing) and possibly I was acting a little out of character looking back....

However these friends very unexpectedly were not really there for me. They still see my ex and have been horrible to me to others and it has hurt me unbelievably. I have had counselling but it still plays on my mind a lot.

My "friends" feel hurt by me?! And keep playing the victim. They are manipulating people at work.

My one friend and I were almost
Reconciling then I think the other
Was jealous
And therefore shit stirred and causes so much pain to the other (for selfish gain I can only assume)

Everyone else has stayed out of this mess but they haven't.
It's all my fault blah blah blah (which i have never denied) but they can't seem to move on. It's just weird and is horrid for our other colleagues )who are like "it's ur life etc....."

My heart was broken by it but finally coming to terms with the loss of them. It was so unnecessary of them to get involved and make
Things much harder for me. When I've said that all
I get is "it's not all about you" which i know. They just don't get the point that they should have stayed out and just been a friend to me through a pants time.

Doesn't help as well that my ex has manipulated them to hurt me as I hurt him.

Has anyone had the loss of close friends during a bad break up?? And how did u cope. I feel it's similar
To grief.....

I miss them but now feel pity also now.....felt like posting this

[FinallyDecidedOnUserName]

No sympathy I'm afraid & I'm not surprised youve lost friends over this. At least you've got a nice new man to console you.

[supersop60]

I lost friend when I had an affair. Partly because they really liked my DP, and also because I hid the affair from them too. Deceit is not an endearing quality.
20 yrs later I met up with some of them and apologised, and our friendship is restored although we are geographically miles apart.

[Tameagobairanois]

I think they are shit friends. Having an affair doesn't get filed under GOOD ideas but it is ridiculous to take your own friend's husband's side after an affair. Circumstances being relatively normal, nothing weird, perverted or illegal, I think your friend's love life is his/her business and you remain friends through out periods of calm and storm.

[Ducknose]

It can be various things. Mismatch of moral compass, they don't trust you around their partners or more complicated.
I lost my best friend who I was closer to than anyone, when she had an affair. It changed her as a person. She knew she was in the wrong and pushed everyone away, relished taunting her new man's poor girlfriend over them struggling to conceive, lied that she was with me when she wasn't and was also sleeping with other people. I tried to be objective but she'd been living a double life even I didn't know about.
She's still with him but to start a new life, she's cut off everyone she used to know including her family and very young children. She's in her bubble, she doesn't want to know.

[Notears]

I don't know how you behaved during an affair but when a friend of mine was having a very obvious affair she changed a lot and avoided people. She was totally giddy, changed her image, denied the affair and told lies to cover it up. People didn't like it and her friendships never recovered.

[SomeBerryJam]

I know what affairs can do to families. No one can condone affairs.
If my best friend in the whole world was having an affair with another man, I could never look at her the same again. She would never be that person I thought she was.

However, if they have chosen to take your DPs side, then they should just let you get on with your life and them get on with theirs.

[Clutterbugsmum]

The thing I find funny about you OP. You are moaning about the fact you have 'moved on' so why haven't they.

They have moved on and their lives no longer include you, probably because of your behavior and not because they chosen your Ex over you.

And so what if your ex friend and Ex husband like each other as you have apparently moved on and are happy with the OM.

[Taylor22]

So sickly you're shocked and annoyed that by shagging another man you are now living with consequences?

You're whole thread is one big pity party.
You spect to look repentant and for people to flock to you in support.
But they can probably see right through you and have decided to stay with the decent trust worthy person.

[ladyyyglittersparkles]

Wow. You're judging my standards because I wouldn't bin my friend off for being unfaithful to a partner 😂 get over yourself

[Crowdo]

It seems you are getting some harsh responses.

My friends stuck by me in a similar situation, as I've stuck by them when their marriages broke up for similar reasons.

Relationships, especially very long term relationships, often end up in a mess. You are still a human being and still deserving of kindness.

[Mamia15]

Are you really that surprised?!? I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who is deceitful and capable of wrecking lives.

You come across as very self absorbed and selfish.

[SandyY2K]

Amaxingly cheaters can be very hypocritical...your friend who was cheating will have justified it as she doesn't know the MMs wife....so she's not a person to consider...she knew your husband....she saw his hurt and that makes a difference.

Although I agree that she's not really got a leg stand on where morality is concerned.

If people don't like your behaviour, they will pull away and the betrayed spouse gets their support.

You aren't the first or won't be the last to lose friends through cheating.

They've moved on and are fine without you. You aren't though.

[JWrecks]

Everything I'd say has already been said, but I'm dying of curiosity about one thing.

Why do some of the posts in this
Thread have this peculiar
Formatting? Is it a wonky keyboard?

Or it might be a thing with
Mobile.
Got me looking for secret messages and reading it like poetry.

It almost looks intentional as the breaks seem to happen at
Distinct
Kinds of words, or breaks in diction.

[HerOtherHalf]

The thing a lot of people don't get is that when you have an affair you aren't just cheating on your partner but on your friends and family as well. OP is now finding that out. Another factor is that some people who have had a dramatic relationship break-up can become tediously boring. I cut contact with a close friend in a similar situation as op, not so much because i disapproved of his affair (I did) but because i got bored stiff of every conversation being about his relationship with his ex and all the shite around that.

[Crowdo]

Of course she's not cheating on her friends. Getting married doesn't include any obligation to stay faithful for the sake of your friends

[ravenmum]

It makes a difference if you are friends with the couple, rather than just with the cheater. A couple I know got back together after the wife's affair, and we were all meant to act normal with the wife - but we'd seen how her husband suffered, and how lovely and forgiving he was, and it was hard just talking to her normally, remembering that. Made me see her in a new light.

Like others I'd say it's you who hasn't moved on, OP. You'll probably be happier if you don't hear about your ex or old friends at all. Obsessing about what people are saying about you behind your back just makes you unhappy.

[RhubarbKing]

My Two pence for what it's worth...
I had some friends that got married, I was friends with the wife first then the husband. The wife cheated on the husband.
The wife was dead to me after that. I never called her friend again or saw her.

I took 2 days off work, travelled to the other side of the country, paid for hotels and wedding gifts Infront of everyone she promised to love honour and obey her husband and forsake all others She broke that vow. She lied to God, she lied to her husband and she lied to everyone in attendance at the wedding.

Yeah but a friend is a friend and should be there for you... Not if they lie to you. There's consequences to everything and it's a tad bit wishful you want to keep all your friends.

[cheesetoast]

OP - it seems like you are struggling with the concept of cause and effect.

You caused this, you had an affair. You demonstrated that you are not very trustworthy, that you prioritise yourself over integrity. Who wants friends like that?

You expect loyalty? That's a bit odd.

[HerOtherHalf]

Of course she's not cheating on her friends. Getting married doesn't include any obligation to stay faithful for the sake of your friends

Maybe not all, but a lot of friends and family have a social and emotional interest in a couple's relationship. They can and do get adversely affected when a relationship ends and will often be drawn into taking sides if it is acrimonious, so yes they are being cheated on as well.

[SecondChanceSaloon]

When a marriage breaks down it goes without saying that friendships will be lost as a result because invariably people do feel they need to take sides regardless of why the marriage broke down.

I had an affair. Not a long protracted one, and I didn't leave for the OM, buT the affair was the catalyst which ended the marriage.

After I left, I removed all our mutual friends from social media because I no longer had a right to those friendships. Any explaining on my part would have looked like excuse making and I was of course the sole reason for the breakdown of the marriage due to the fact I had an affair. I also didn't engage with his family again after all they were his family. And I didn't seek legal advice and took only about half of that which I would have been entitled to, because the breakdown of the marriage was my sole responsibility.

And then out of the blue I had a message from a mutual friend asking if I was ok and saying she didn't want to take sides. We never talked about my marriage or what I'd done. But she'd been there when my ex said that his ex girlfriend was a fantastic shag and went into detail about all the things that she would do for him which I wouldn't. She was there when it emerged that he used to programme the heating to go off just after he left for work, and as the boiler was in the garage he would take the key with him so I couldn't have heating on while he was at work. She was there when we talked about splitting up some years before due to the fact that everything had to be about him always.

So I kept my head down, moved on with my life and did the best by my DC.

My ex on the other hand has since obtained a new partner, and he controls her in exactly the same ways he controlled me. Pretty much all the friends he stayed in touch with have moved on with their own lives and he has contact with very few of them now. And some of those friends have re-established contact with me, including his family with whom I now have a very positive relationship. We have never spoken about the past ever.

What I'm trying to say is that no-one knows what goes on in someone else's marriage. Affairs are never justified and I absolutely know that I would never cheat again. And while people need to take responsibility for their part in a marriage breakdown e.g. If they've had an affair, even if there are factors which led to the affair happening, two wrongs don't make a right, however one action equally does not cancel out all other actions. If I'd left at the time the control started or even part way through it everyone on MN would have supported me. But because I had an affair, any wrongdoing on his part has been cancelled out and I am the sole responsibility for the marriage breakdown.

Life just isn't that black and white.

OP if your friends have chosen to distance themselves from you then that is their prerogative. However if they're continuing to be nasty to you years on that's not on and you need to just find a way to avoid them.

[Crowdo]

"Maybe not all, but a lot of friends and family have a social and emotional interest in a couple's relationship. They can and do get adversely affected when a relationship ends and will often be drawn into taking sides if it is acrimonious, so yes they are being cheated on as well."

I'm glad my close friends value me more than whatever relationship I'm in.

Judge not. You never know what position you might be in the future. Everyone says they will never cheat, but a significant portion of people struggle in one way or another to maintain a monogamous relationship for fifty or sixty years of their life. You can be one person at twenty, and a totally different one by thirty or forty.

[fertilitykate]

OP - welcome to the world of MN where the cheater is evil personified regardless.
My partners Ex was an evil, mentally, physically and emotionally abusive piece of shit for years ....he left after merely kissing another woman but guess who's the cunt?

[Sooooooooooooooooooooo]

I couldn't support a friend who was having an affair. I would still be their friend but if they continued the affair I wouldn't want to know anything about it. Keep the details to yourself and don't come runnning to me if it goes wrong.

[Mustang27]

You are with the man you had the affair with? That’s your answer to why your friends can’t move on it feels like further insult to injury for them. If you had left them both and were now single possibly they would have been able to still remain friends with you but they feel like they are part of your dirty deed by continuing to be friends.

Unfortunately when you have an affair there is more than the marriage fall out to deal with you just have to move and try and make new friends. Easier said than done.

[ferando81]

Why wouldn't you judge your friends?If that is your criteria then everyone can be your friend:a criminal,a liar,a thief etc.
I wouldn't worry about it too much .I had a good friend who was self-centred and tight he became jealous when I started making money -I cut him off because underneath it all I didn't really like him.A similar friend and I reacquainted after a fall out -the reason because underneath it all we liked each other.
If they like you they will miss your company and eventually come round