Friends took sides with my ex.....devastated

[3539jaj]

In a nutshell I had an affair and my husband and me split.

Amongst all this my closest friends
admittedly found it hard as they socialised with my ex and me...

Basically I found the whole thing hugely stressful as you do (never once denying it wasn't of my doing) and possibly I was acting a little out of character looking back....

However these friends very unexpectedly were not really there for me. They still see my ex and have been horrible to me to others and it has hurt me unbelievably. I have had counselling but it still plays on my mind a lot.

My "friends" feel hurt by me?! And keep playing the victim. They are manipulating people at work.

My one friend and I were almost
Reconciling then I think the other
Was jealous
And therefore shit stirred and causes so much pain to the other (for selfish gain I can only assume)

Everyone else has stayed out of this mess but they haven't.
It's all my fault blah blah blah (which i have never denied) but they can't seem to move on. It's just weird and is horrid for our other colleagues )who are like "it's ur life etc....."

My heart was broken by it but finally coming to terms with the loss of them. It was so unnecessary of them to get involved and make
Things much harder for me. When I've said that all
I get is "it's not all about you" which i know. They just don't get the point that they should have stayed out and just been a friend to me through a pants time.

Doesn't help as well that my ex has manipulated them to hurt me as I hurt him.

Has anyone had the loss of close friends during a bad break up?? And how did u cope. I feel it's similar
To grief.....

I miss them but now feel pity also now.....felt like posting this

[SemiNormal]

If my best friend had an affair I'd let her know I disapproved massively but I'd be there for her. I love her and wouldn't let something like that come between our friendship.

How long was the affair going on for OP? Did you come clean when you left for other man or did your e find out then you left? Just wondering if it's more to do with the finer details of the affair given that one of them has been seeing a married man herself.

[3539jaj]

I'm not after sympathy I just don't really get why the interference...and why it's such an issue for them even now. It was my marriage.

They are not perfect
Individuals. I didn't condone her affair for 3 years! - her choice her life.

But I still remained her friend whatever she chose and I was there for her regardless

[Charolais]

Maybe they are just mad because there were no pictures.

[Charmatt]

I had a friend who had an affair. I walked away from our friendship because she lied to her husband and said she was with me when she was with the other man. When he told me that I had been used as an alibi I was really upset. I made it clear to her husband that I was not complicit in the deceit and never would have agreed to being used as an alibi. It upset me that she could use me to lie to him. We haven't spoken in years.

[EezerGoode]

Your putting to much emphasis on friends...they come and go at different life stages...let them go and move on.they are not worth yr tears...I was a bad friend ,to an ex friend..she did something that I thought was very wrong,and it lead to devastating consequences that you can't imagine,and I'm ashamed to say I stopped contacting her because I couldn't get past what she had done.i felt I would of been false to of continued the friendship,and she thought of me as a close friend...I feel bad,but I don't regret my decision.she didn't need me in her life judging her.....and you don't need those ex friends judging you. Good luck

[ScarletForYa]

To me a friend is a friend no matter what

That's a bad policy OP. Blind loyalty? I doubt you'll find many adults who'd subscribe to that kind of expectation.

People aren't obliged to be mindlessly supportive to you. That's not what friendship is!

[3539jaj]

Thanks eezergoode I know I have too but I still have it on my mind cos I really do miss them

[Aeroflotgirl]

You had an affair, which is a huge thing, you decieved and lied to your ex, they were his friend too. It's no wonder they sided with him.

[IHeartDodo]

Er... If I was friends with both people of a couple equally, then one cheated on the other, I'd side with the wronged party. It's obvious which is the better person that I'd rather be friends with!

[BaconAndBees]

CrochetBelle . though not entirely sure OP will get it

[Trollspoopglitter]

No, you're describing family not friends. And they saw how you've treated your family...

[nannybeach]

Mine was a reverse of your situation, my (now) ex H tried to kill me, I had a very good close friend, who said she wouldnt come round when he was there as she didnt like the way he treated me. He sent her valentines cards, embarassed her. I rang her, the phone went dead, eventually I asked if she was ignoring me, she said yes, and that was it, had the same thing with some friends of many years, I know my ex got to them some how, I dont know what he said, this was many years ago, it still upsets me, buy why wouldnt they want to hear my side of the storey?

[EezerGoode]

I do understand,you reminded me of something,I lost a friend too ,a long time a go.it does hurt ,but it makes you less needy,less vulnerable,I'm more closed now,I don't get so involved,I keep my own counsel ..I worried for ages about seeing her in town and her ignoring me...then suddenly the feelings went and I never thought I'd her again....but I never got that involved again ither

[EezerGoode]

Never thought of her again..that should say

[SpareChangeDownTheSofa]

If one of my friends had an affair I wouldn't be giving her sympathy and wanting to hang out with her, especially if I was also friends with her partner as it seems to be in this case.

It would change the way I saw you as a person, I would see you as someone who couldn't be trusted and wasn't very nice; I wouldn't want to be friends with someone like that.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

3539jaj

Do you always try and promote yourself as the victim?

[stopbeingadramallama]

I know it's horrible to lose a friend, no matter how it happens, but you were in the wrong and you have to deal with it. They've decided to remain friends with the person who has done nothing wrong, which I'm sure a lot of people would agree that it's morally the right thing to do.

You obviously didn't really care about your marriage, hence you cheating, but I'm sure your 'friends' would have been a lot more happy to keep in contact with you if you'd just left him instead.

[MyOtherProfile]

I think you're making it all about you.

When you had an affair you cheated on your husband and he was left alone. His friends (who alao happened to be your friends) presumably felt he needed support so sided with him, since he had just been cheated on by his wife.

They sound like good people. You made a choice to cheat on your husband and part of the consequence of that is that your friends felt more loyalty and empathy for the wronged party. Seems kind of nornal I think.

[Goshthatwentwell]

TbH I think the affair is the straw that broke the camels back. It doesn't appear to be a moral issue if one of your best friends had one herself.

I have recently lost a good friend over an affair. She was always a bit selfish and in it for herself although good fun etc etc. In the end although she would say it was me that dumped her...the truth is she puts herself over our relationship.It sounds like you do the same actually.

Do you think that you are with the guy you had the affair with now if a factor? Are you a bit smug? A bit it turned out alright for me? What happened to your friend that had the affair, do you think she struggles with you " success"?

[3539jaj]

Perhaps very few people stay out of married people's lives. No one knows exactly what goes on...

I wouldn't side with any party. It's their life. Whose business is it of 3rd parties? Is their life so dull ?

Ironically my ex hub didn't like my one friend or her boyfriend (tolerated them) but he's now he does!?

[MiddleClassProblem]

You say everyone has moved on because you have but clearly your ex is still hurt by it.

Just because you're ok about it now doesn't mean everyone else should get over it. You can't do a dick thing then continue to act like a dick expecting people to feel how you want them too.

This has happened. Take a hint and move on. They think you're a shit person for what you did regardless of their own situations. You seem to think you're not

[Originalfoogirl]

Pretty much what they all said.

You cheated on their friend. Do you really think they should take your side?

Really?

[jjgg]

I'd definitely sack you off for that.

[GotToGetMyFingerOut]

You made your bed you need to lie in it.

They haven't forgiven you but you have forgave yourself and moved on so forget it.