My feed
Premium
Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Friends took sides with my ex.....devastated

146 replies

3539jaj · 21/09/2017 21:19

In a nutshell I had an affair and my husband and me split.

Amongst all this my closest friends
admittedly found it hard as they socialised with my ex and me...

Basically I found the whole thing hugely stressful as you do (never once denying it wasn't of my doing) and possibly I was acting a little out of character looking back....

However these friends very unexpectedly were not really there for me. They still see my ex and have been horrible to me to others and it has hurt me unbelievably. I have had counselling but it still plays on my mind a lot.

My "friends" feel hurt by me?! And keep playing the victim. They are manipulating people at work.

My one friend and I were almost
Reconciling then I think the other
Was jealous
And therefore shit stirred and causes so much pain to the other (for selfish gain I can only assume)

Everyone else has stayed out of this mess but they haven't.
It's all my fault blah blah blah (which i have never denied) but they can't seem to move on. It's just weird and is horrid for our other colleagues )who are like "it's ur life etc....."

My heart was broken by it but finally coming to terms with the loss of them. It was so unnecessary of them to get involved and make
Things much harder for me. When I've said that all
I get is "it's not all about you" which i know. They just don't get the point that they should have stayed out and just been a friend to me through a pants time.

Doesn't help as well that my ex has manipulated them to hurt me as I hurt him.

Has anyone had the loss of close friends during a bad break up?? And how did u cope. I feel it's similar
To grief.....

I miss them but now feel pity also now.....felt like posting this

OP posts:
Report
WastedHours · 21/09/2017 23:33

I guess adult relationships can be complicated. No one else ever knows what really goes on in someone else's relationship/marriage. And I imagine that most people don't talk much about problems as it's so personal and they may feel incredibly conflicted/guilty about their feelings. Could it be that it's even hard to talk to close friends about it, maybe not wanting to make a big deal out of something that you hope might get better? Harder still to talk to mutual friends as they then might be drawn into an awkward position. Then this is later held against you - as if that's some kind of extra 'evidence' of deceit?

It seems like there are an awful lot of people who find it a lot easier to jump on the good guy/bad guy bandwagon than try to understand that maybe it's not as clear cut as a soap opera in real life and the impact that something like this has on all concerned - even the 'guilty' party.

To be honest OP - if your friends are reacting to you in this way perhaps they are friends you can well do without?

Report
Justaboy · 21/09/2017 23:34

3539jaj

should not be surprised if you ex may be issuing his propaganda to your now not so good friends.

Who don't seem that good friends anyway.

Report
ladyyyglittersparkles · 21/09/2017 23:35

I don't know what world people live in but my best friend would stick by me no matter WHAT. She gets on with my
DH and if I had an affair she'd tell me I was a dick but then support me every step of the way. Since when was friendship based on how the other person acts in a relationship?
I mean yeah if you find out someone is racist, a criminal etc then judge but good god!

Report
MyDobbygotgivenasock · 21/09/2017 23:41

Your posts aren't really covering yourself in glory to be honest and do give a hint as to why they may not want to be friends with you.
Whatever has happened it seems like you've reached the point where you should just let it go, one assumes that if you've missed them and are remorseful about your actions that you've already said this and have offered the accountable, honest and open apology and asked what they need of you as a friend in order to continue a relationship, they still want no part of your life. That's that.
You can't move on with a new friendship with them, you certainly aren't going to win them over to thinking as you do and get them to be friends that buy in to your view and they've made their feelings clear, looks like it's time to finish that chapter of your life doesn't it?
You made your choices, you have your consequences, you still have to deal with them even if you've decided you've moved on. Maybe you should actually move on which is something a little different to just declaring that you aren't suffering the ramifications of your choices so nobody else has the right to feel anything about them either.
You all discovered things about each other, turns out they were incompatible and couldn't be moved past, it happens, you'll only be hurting and disappointing yourself to hold on to this though.

Report
existentialmoment · 21/09/2017 23:42

I mean yeah if you find out someone is racist, a criminal etc then judge but good god!

So racist or criminal is bad but cheating is fine?

Some of us have standards is the thing.

Report
MiddleClassProblem · 21/09/2017 23:43

I would stick by a friend too but in this instance op talks quite disparagingly about them feeling hurt, being manipulative and jealous. I'm not sure that op is a great friend either or why she would want them back if they are "manipulating people at work".

None of it sounds like friendship from either side.

Report
Pallisers · 21/09/2017 23:46

To me a friend is a friend no matter what

I'm afraid that really isn't true in real life OP. Really the only people I would say I am there for them no matter what are my children.

I would stick by my best friend "no matter what" - but I suspect that is because I am friends with her because I know what her limits are. If she had an affair I would certainly stand by her. If I discovered she was beating her child or spiking her partner's drink every night and I had never realised this- well maybe I'd try to help her but it might change the way I look at her.

Other friends - people I am friendly with, meet for dinner, have coffee etc. an affair might make me think this person isn't who I thought she or he was. Other things would make me drop them like a stone.

In any case it sounds like you are over them and have other friends - it is just time to move on and accept that you will never really understand what is going on with someone else.

I also think you are struggling with having been in the wrong in having an affair and don't like the implicit judgement from the ex-friends and are looking for a way to make this your exes fault too (he is manipulating them/he didn't have the guts to end it). Why not accept completely what you did and just move on - not try to reconfigure the past, just look at it and then move on to a better place in your life.

Report
ladyyyglittersparkles · 21/09/2017 23:47

No cheating is not 'fine' but you can't cheat on your friends so why would they fall out with you? Suppose if you cheat on your fella with theirs maybe but friendship isn't based on your life. True friends are there through thick and thin.

Report
ladyyyglittersparkles · 21/09/2017 23:48

I also have standards my love. If I consider someone a true friend then I would TELL them if they were cheating that it was wrong and tell them they should confess to their partner but I certainly wouldn't end the friendship

Report
existentialmoment · 21/09/2017 23:51

Good for you. Your standards are far lower than mine but they are your own business.

Report
Howlongtilldinner · 21/09/2017 23:52

One of my friends is married to an utter pig, I detest him for the way he treats her. I would fully support her having an affair and stick two fingers up to him..

THAT is the only situation I would support a cheater

Report
GrockleBocs · 21/09/2017 23:57

So let me get this straight. You're upset that your good friends have proved to be faithless friends who have thrown in their lot with another person?

Report
LostFatherr · 22/09/2017 00:08

I'm curious when "I admit that" or "I'm sorry" became an acceptable excuse. Saying you're sorry doesn't guarantee forgiveness and you shouldn't expect it to.

Report
Shankarankalina · 22/09/2017 00:10

I'm a bit baffled by your expectations of other people, OP.

You may well have 'moved on' but you seem to have little awareness for how others in your intimate circle may feel.

As a 'wronged wife', all I can tell you is: people take sides. Because they knew him first. Because they knew you first. Because they like you more. Because they like him more. Because they understand why you had an affair. Because they absolutely can't fathom why you had an affair.

Thing is: they're entitled to their feelings and choices. They may not plump for you. Their choice. Not yours. They don't see things through your prism. They decide according to their own compasses.

Let the cards fall where they will.

How recent is all this anyway?

Report
Gorgosparta · 22/09/2017 05:30

Why do people think that if you havent fucked someone else when married, you must think your perfect?

Not having sex with someone else is a basic of marriage. Keeping to that does not make anyone perfect. Peoplr make mistakes. But not making that mistake doesnt make you perfect and i dont think anyone here thinks it does.

Op you cheated. There is always consequences of that. This is one of the consquences. They have no obligation to stand by you. They made no vows to stand by you. You made vows to your dh and atill cheated. Why do you think your feiends should have a different stabmndard if loyalty?

I notice that when these consquences impact you, it must be someones else fault. Your ex must be manipulating them, they arent loyal, they must fancy him.

When people split, friends usually end up having to take sides. You say some stood by you, be grateful for those friends. Accept some made another choice.

Report
WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 22/09/2017 05:56

YABVU. Your friends were right to side with your husband (the victim here) and leave you; I would have done exactly the same.

I couldn't be friends with someone who was so heartless, thoughtless and selfish, and yes, by having an affair you have displayed all those nasty traits and many more.

Good on them.

Report
Mummyoflittledragon · 22/09/2017 06:06

I've read an average friendship lasts 7 years. This is because one or both parties change. Well you changed. And so did they. They changed to nasty, judgmental bitches, who are still punishing you for your choices today. And you're letting them. I understand the initial fury because what you did was very wrong. But not this. Why would you want to be friends with them? They are very messed up humans. One is even having a long term affair. What you did was far less serious in terms of cruelty because you came clean and set your ex free, however painful it was for him and for you. I really have no respect for people carrying on in long term affairs. Tbh I would have struggled to remain friends with her. Personally, I think they set you free, you just don't know it yet. As Gorgo said, be grateful for the friends you have.

Report
WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 22/09/2017 06:12

What you did was far less serious in terms of cruelty because you came clean and set your ex free, however painful it was for him and for you.

Nowhere in any of her posts does she say she came clean. It could quite easily be (and I suspect is the case) that her poor ex-husband found out about her affair and she was forced to confess.

Oh, and considering a marriage is supposed to be a contract for life and a friendship isn't, breaking her marriage contract is far more serious.

The only nasty bitch here is the one who merrily cheated on her husband.

Report
featherup · 22/09/2017 06:18

Gosh, compartmentalising one of the problems...so your freind is currently having an affair but is has turned her back now that you have been caught out. Yep, I can see why that would hurt.

Get new friends, can you get a new job too?

You haven't acted in the best way but you do have a right to start again and also to not to have a really shit time for the rest of your life just because you made a mistake. Move on and make better friends (the type who would challenge you from the off if you suggested an affair!).

Report
CatsOclock · 22/09/2017 06:31

These things are never clear cut and I don't think affairs happen for no reason, there must have been problems in the marriage already.

Personally, I've found that there are times in life when you find out who your friends really are. Maybe you could console yourself that now you know?

Report
Mummyoflittledragon · 22/09/2017 06:31

WhatToDo

I did take responsibility all the way through.
I told them straight away (the friends)

Perhaps I'm wrong but from the op it sounds as though she didn't let the affair drag on. Either scenario could be true admittedly but your view doesn't trump mine.

I most certainly consider a woman, who carries on an affair with a married man for a protracted period to be a nasty bitch. I also consider someone, who continues to make another persons life hell a nasty bitch.

Report
BanyanTree · 22/09/2017 06:32

We were close friends with a couple. She cheated on him. He came to stay with us for a week. He couldn't sleep at all and it was mental torture for him. This confident, funny, special person was reduced to a fraction of himself. He felt worthless and humiliated.

One of the conversations I remember was he wanted to know if his friends still wanted to be friends with him or would choose her in the divorce. He had lost so much confidence he thought we would dump him for her. I realised then that I did have to choose between them and I chose him.

Your ex is not manipulating your friends. They have chosen him because they have integrity.

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

nigelsbigface · 22/09/2017 06:36

I lost several friends when my marriage broke up...its very hurtful. But people often believe what they are told by the party that gets to them first or is the most convincing-even if they are lying through their teeth to try and appear the better person-and nothing you do will change their minds....but you have to let them go...you dont have a choice anyway...

Report
splendidisolation · 22/09/2017 06:37

I would stick by my friend too. If tjey were a good friend. Maybe they arent as good a friends as you thought?

Hate the phrase "would stick by them no matter what" - what, even if they were serial rapists?

Report
WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 22/09/2017 06:39

Mummyoflittledragon She told the friends straight away. She hasn't said anything about when her husband found out, which I believe implies she didn't tell him.

But until the OP confirms it is just guesswork either way.

And her old friends are not making her life hell, they simply don't want to be friends with her anymore.

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.