WIfe's lack of interest in me

[Ignatius]

Unfortunately I think my wife has signed out on me. When I come home there's no eye contact , virtually no greeting, when I try to kiss her anytime her lips are pursed shut and she moves her mouth to the side. she's always being critical of my looks, clothes, she never wantss to go out with me, never calls, never texts, never asks how I am, never ever shows affection, she is even critical of me in front of people lately I can't stand it, been married 20 years. As she gets older she seems getting more impatient, nagging and aggressive. She never says she loves me anymore, when I ask why she says I'm too sensitive and we are not 20 anymore. She now controls everything . Is she ill??

OP she has you walking on eggshells and dancing around her.

Ask her what she wants. You can tell her that all the evidence points to her not wanting to stay married and actually neither do you because its quite frankly shit.

You are not helping your daughter prepare for adult life either by bringing her up in this dysfunctional situation

Your daughter would be better if you split and learnt to co-parent.

I say this all to you as someone who left a abusive situation and I'm a single mum.

Oh and hiding the phone. You know the answer to that.

Hi OP - I feel for you - she sounds very cruel - you wouldn't treat a dog like this - how old is your child - is your wife loving to her - or does she display the same behaviour. Has she always been like this with you? When did she change.

Do you do anything together as a family which is fun (I'm thinking of you child here and what messages she gets from you both) your child could start mimicking your wife's behaviour and be cruel to you too.
Does your wife work?

I became very irritable & moody when I was starting the memo pause.
She could see the GP to get it checked out but if she is not going to doing anything then you must feel helpless.
You cannot continue like this for your own mental health.
I would be checking up on her now given her recent behaviour. Does she have the opportunity to have an affair? If you find out she is - given its the second time - I'd ask her to leave.
Your marriage sounds toxic.

You wife doesn't love you anymore, she is literally screaming this fact at you. Please leave this relationship for both your sakes!

What's the family life situation like? Is she working, earning good money? I am asking because as a woman who has met a lot of people in her life, I can tell you that they are many married women who have long fallen out of love with their husband, spend every hours of their day criticizing them, at times talking is such derogatory ways, it is shocking, but would never leave because they would have to leave the money and status too and their attraction to that is more than having to bear their husband.

Some of the reasons they have fallen out of love are valid, and indeed, they do often believe that they are perfect husband and that their wives are ill, leading them to give up on the marriage, but it doesn't justify using them for their financial comfort.

It might not be the case for you, but everything you write strikes of her not only not loving you any longer, but actually disliking you, so why would she still be with you?

She has told you how she feels.
Ask her to leave.

You really can't go on like this.

She clearly doesn't want to work at your relationship, might be having having an affair and you are both miserable. Unfortunately there is no magic spell which will make someone love and cherish you and IMO once the respect has gone then it can never be regained. Compounded with that you are both setting a terrible example to your children about how a relationship should be.

See a lawyer and find out about your rights. You could end up with 50/50 care. You say you don't want to leave the house you have worked hard for but if you are being honest does this house sound like a home?

Life is short and you deserve to find happiness too. I wish you well.

I’m sorry this seems to be confirming your fears/suspicions re: another affair.

I can completely understand why you don’t want to leave the home you have built. Especially as particularly in children’s eye the ‘leaver’ is often portrayed as the ‘baddie’

What age is your daughter? It may make a difference to the appropriate approach to this.

I think your only option now is to end your relationship, this marriage is to all intents and purposes already over, but you need her gone. The only way you will be able to do this and remain in the home you have is to have evidence of her affair and file papers for divorce.

Can you get any evidence of the affair? Who pays her phone bill? Could you get phone records? Would you ever be able to get a look on her phone? If so and you do find incriminating messages etc. Screen shot them and send them to yourself.

Good luck. For your own sake and your daughter’s you need to get your head out of the sand and control this situation. The current environment sounds like a toxic environment to live in and a terrible example to be setting your daughter for her future relationships.

On her phone doesn't necessarily mean an affair. I would behave the same way if dh came in and I was on the phone to my CPN or a helpline BUT I don't think I would do the whole 'I hate you' stuff. Maybe she is unwell but doesn't recognise it herself yet. This latest might be something you could use to ask her carefully. It is really hard because leaving if she is ill can seem callous but then you need to think of yourself and your dd. I think most people now would say don't stay just for the sake of the children including those who have grown up in exactly that situation.
Can you give yourself some space? Go away on a course for work or work away for a bit. Understand what both of you are wanting long term before jumping

Many thanks to your reply’s, I will answer as best I can your questions, our daughter is 15 at a very crucial stage of her education, yes wife does treat daughter in similar way I.e. wife is not show empathy or love , although I know she loves her daughter, this leaves our daughter just going up to her mother and hugging her because she is cryin out for parental affection and love. This is where I come in I have empathy and I show my love if I had North been there for my daughter her sole inputs would have come from my unemotional wife. Also if daughter does not agree with wife then daughter receives cold treatment then feels she needs to go to her mother for a cuddle it’s just not right. My wife does work, she could be financially independents of me . So I don’t know why she has stayed if she dislikes me so and is having an affair. Maybe the other guy does not want her full time ? Who knows? It’s impossible for me to check her phone ipad she never gets them out in my company I only saw this time because I came home earlier than usual. Basically my own limited conclusions of living with this person are that she is emotionally deficit , a controller, and seems to have some border line personality problem. She refuses to discuss it saying I’m the one with the problem?? She refuses to talk to someone outside of our marriage ( councillor ) saying she does not want to discuss herself with anyone else. My goal priority is to get my lovely daughter to adulthood by being present and loving for her. We do have family trips together but my wife always walks a metre away from me, there is no noticeable closeness between us just formal. I’m pretty sure my daughter must know that something is amiss and if her mother is on her devices when I’m not around then our daughter is also astute maybe it’s why she launches herself at her mother for a cuddle. And yes some one asked if my daughter mirrors her mother in any way and the answer to that is a small yes, but it’s not her fault and I don’t react but just say lovingly you know that’s not a good way to talk to me and she will see that and apologise, but there is a sign that it may be ingrained. So at the moment my mental strength is low and I just need to find the strength to get through this time, I know it will be o.k. In the end , but it is damage limitation. My need for love and affection will just have to wait although it is tough. We used to love each other but her affair years ago changed everything and she has not really recovered from that or even tried too really , when I asked her if she had any regrets about it she said no none what so ever. I was shocked but I think that sums this human being up. Stay with me guys your comments are very helpful in lighting my way

If your daughter is 15 then shecan chose to live with you.
This is horrendous for her to grow up like this and she's an only child so she doesn't even have a sibling that knows what it feels like. TBH when my parents split I was actually relieved. It had been like you say for years. Grim beyond belief

Honestly. I think you need to stop trying to analyse why she is behaving the way she is, and start thinking about your future. It's almost irrelevant if she's having an affair. She's checked out, and to be honest, if she did turn around and change completely do you think that would make you happy?

She's being a coward in a way. Like a lot of people. she doesn't want to take responsibility for her own happiness. But you can for yours. I really think 15 is a tough age, but if she's grown up in this environment then you might actually be surprised at her reaction

Also do you think she wished you had kicked her out when she had an affair? And almost resents you staying?
Because you can't get over an affair unless both parties want to.
And she shouted in your face she hates you.
Honestly. Put your big boy pants on and DO something about your life.

I agree with worriedrose that you need to stop analysing why she is acting like this. You'll probably never find out and even if she does tell you it might be a load of crap anyway.

If you split up your near adult daughter might want to live with you. Really worth talking to a lawyer and getting proper advice.

Yes I agree your daughter would be better off living with you - your wife can go. I'd seriously see a solicitor -she is not going to change!!!
I wonder if she had poor attachments herself when growing up and poor relationship modelling. Have you ever stood up to her? Again there is little point looking for explanations if she isn't going to seek help from anyone. Why the hell she has stayed (if this is how she is) is beyond me. Does she have any friends?
Maybe she's Mrs Nice Girl outside the home.
Your daughter must be affected by her behaviour to her.
It may take time but I think you are seeing the light as painful as it is now.

Thanks worriedrose/Mary1935/queenlabeefah, so SHe did have poor attachments when growing up father was a total control freak , mother also not showing any love (this is how wife described). She does not have many friends outside , finds it difficult to mix , has two regular friends really. She watches a lot of depressing T.V. Comes home from work puts a robe on lays on the couch? Never. Wants to plan anything , i plan it all, she was not always like this has got worse since the affair which i now believe has never ended that’s 12 years and as she ages she seems to get more and more like her father, doesn’t listen, not interested , talks over you , tries to force you in agreeing to their comments or views. Before i met her she had broken up one marriage did not think it was wronge to become involved with a married man ( I only found out after we were married says it happens that’s life very matter of fact and cruel )with young children so yes she has form. I really don5 think my daughter would be a ble to choose me over her Mother , you know I. keep asking myself what did I love about her and I really can’t remember I just remember being head over heels in love with her , I just can’t believe what an aweful person she has become, and 8 really have no idea why she has stayed if she is so unhappy, 8 guess it’s so hard for a mother to be the one to leave an only child ? I don’t know I’m fed up with thinking about it i get a headache . I sometime think she suffers from depression drifting in and out but she won’t see anyone about it. Or she is at the beck and call of another but yes I am sick to the back teeth with it .

Please get out.
She will destroy you if you stay.
I know you don't want to move out.
Could you move into another bedroom if you have a spare one.
Start to detach, it's the only thing that will keep you sane.
Yes she's having an affair - AGAIN!!!
Stop being a mug - stop lettering walk all over you.
Time to take control back.
Move out of the bedroom.
Start doing your own thing.
Get out and about and enjoy you life away from your nasty wife.
Look into finances and see what you could manage if you were to leave.
If she is having an affair you really need to get some proof and then you may be able to get her to leave!

It does sound like she didn't end the old affair completely
I wonder if the om was married and also didn't leave his wife.
Basically she's very unhappy and taking it out on you. It would be best for you both to just move on and make your lives a better future for all involved.
And the 15 year old might stay with her initially. But you might find that they spend more and more time with you.
This could drag on for years. Do you really want to be back on here is 3 years telling the same story. Only now it's just you are her stuck in the house miserable together

I just can’t move out I simply can’t be seen as the father who has left his daughter no way no way, I can try and live separately but currently I am so low I don’t even feel like speaking with others I feel really odd just dazed really, I was very stunned by the absolute ferocity of her verbal attack and now she is acting like nothing happened I feel like I am in some crazy unreal place, we sleep seperatly anyway ( her choice several years ago said she needed space at night ??? )sometimes she will come into the bedroom for sex , which is basically very mechanical and just for her own satisfaction. I have tried to stop that but she gets round me and then I feel used and aweful inside like I’m just a plaything . There is defiantly something wrong with me because I a m still drawn to her and that is so so wrong . Now she is asking about who we are going to ask round at Christmas like nothing as even happend . I don’t get it at all what the is going on?? She goes to the gym twice a week I suggested I came along , she went haywire, why do you want to come, your just checking me out etc etc I don’t want you com8ng to the gym with me Thankyou. I actually just want to get fitter,. I have to stay to protect dd

That's awful. You sound so low.

She is emotionally abusive and I understand why you want to protect your daughter.

Do you think there is any chance she would want to go? If you and her managed to work it out financially? With 50/50 care of your daughter?

She can't stop you going to the gym. Go on a different night. Exercise really helped my mental health when I was in a similar situation and it would be good to invest in yourself.

Would you feel up to at least getting some legal advice from a solicitor? You would know where you stand then at least if you decide you need to take action.

Talk to your dd about it all. She is 15 and will have a definite opinion on what she wants. She may feel that she has to stay with her mum but it is equally possible she will want to be with you. Either way she is old enough to to make that choice and whatever happens she will have two homes at least one of which will be happy and 'normal'.
I moved out of the family home as (for various reasons including medical) I could not cope. The crucial thing is that we all, as a family, sat down and discussed all the options. Both dc (14 & 15) now spend more time with me than there - their choice. They travel independently between us most of the time as I do not drive and we are all coping much better than when I was in the family home.
Your wife grew up with attachment issues - don't let your daughter stay in the same toxic environment any longer through her crucial late teen years. Your wife refusing to get help is the key here - there is nothing more you can do for her. She will not talk about the situation and has limited communication with you or her daughter.
People, especially mid teens adapt, so stop 'staying for your dd' and start making a new life for you both.

If you stay, things will not get better for your DD, they could even get worse, and she is absorbing daily your dysfunctional relationship and normalising it.
If you left, the atmosphere in the house will be different as you are no longer there. Things may improve as the source of your wife's antagonism (sadly, you) will be gone. So, your wife will probably be happier. You will definitely be happier away from the toxic fumes, and wherever your daughter is, she will feel the reduction in tension and antagonism.
Seriously, if you stay, everyone loses.
If you break out, then things will by definition be different, therefore changed, and I cannot see them getting worse. If you leave your daughter and it is horrendous, she is old enough to let you know so she can escape to you.
Going to quote some hideous cliches - look away if easily bored!

• If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always got.
• Only an idiot expects a different outcome when continuing to do the same actions
• What's worse than living in a bad relationship for 20 years? Living in it for 20 years and one day.

Try speaking to a solicitor about the process of divorce. Explain that you don't want to leave the marital home and the importance of the support you provide for your daughter and get a picture of what the process might be from there. I know it may sound like a big step, but a free consultation can give you a starting point for figuring out what your options are.

Others are right, you will not be able to understand your wife's logic no matter how hard you try to analyze her. You need to focus on yourself and your daughter and how to create a happy, healthy life for the two of you.

You are a long time dead, this is no good for your or your daughters mental health.

Notapizzeater perfect summing up , that’s how I feel at times.

Hey OP where in the UK are you? (Joke....please don't disclose)
I would love a decent, caring, articulate, lovely man like you appear to be.
What's the matter with this woman....it is so clearly her that has the issue. She could have a husband who is abusive or a cheat. She needs to count her blessings.
As for you, you have to protect yourself and your Daughter. You are no good to your Daughter if your wife wears you down so badly that you are ill. You deserve so much more, you sound completely miserable...the marriage is over, you can not stay in this situation any longer.
I would also suggest that you seem some counselling to re-build your self esteem.
Good luck with it all OP.....no-one has to put up with this treatment, you deserve to be happy.