WIfe's lack of interest in me

[Ignatius]

Unfortunately I think my wife has signed out on me. When I come home there's no eye contact , virtually no greeting, when I try to kiss her anytime her lips are pursed shut and she moves her mouth to the side. she's always being critical of my looks, clothes, she never wantss to go out with me, never calls, never texts, never asks how I am, never ever shows affection, she is even critical of me in front of people lately I can't stand it, been married 20 years. As she gets older she seems getting more impatient, nagging and aggressive. She never says she loves me anymore, when I ask why she says I'm too sensitive and we are not 20 anymore. She now controls everything . Is she ill??

Why is she with you OP? I would seriously ask her if she wants to separate? No point of this relationship at all.

I think she has checked out, but wants to maintain the status quo - perhaps due to financial/childcare issues - maybe she doesn't want to "break the family up". Sorry.

It sounds horrible for you, very dehumanising. I think you need to work on your confidence & self-esteem.

I'm not sure what advice you want. She doesn't like you and you won't leave her. I'm not sure what you expect a relationship with someone who doesn't like you to be like?

The reading thing, I don't see control there, nor the heating thing, not the food thing. I see you being hyper aware that she doesn't like you, you wanting her affections in a needy way because of this and her being annoyed because she has made it abundantly clear she doesn't like you.

This is a ridiculous relationship and both of you sound miserable but neither of you want to do the right thing and end it. One of you needs to grow up, rip the plaster off and start setting a better example for your kids.

My husband had this exact childhood and it has left him incapable of a relationship as an adult.

I agree that you should end it. You are in an abusive relationship. One question though - why is it assumed that OP should be the one who leaves? He hasn't done anything wrong - she has cheated and emotionally abused him. She should leave - I'm sure that OP is perfectly capable of providing his children with a happy and loving home on his own.

I can't believe some people on here.
Whatever the reason- even if it's not something you've done to upset her over the years, she does not like
You anymore and you both deserve better than this. Give her an ultimatum- admit and address the problems (counselling perhaps ?) or leave. That's no life, for either of you.

Has it been assumed he should leave the home? He should leave her....

Who stays in the home (if anyone does) is usually the person who has main care of the kids and that's usually the person who has main care before the split as that's what's best for the dc. What the parents did to each other in the relationship they had has nothing to do with who lives where in the long term.

Its very probable she neither finds you attractive nor loves you and the reasons for her 1st affair havnt gone away, ie those above.
Now You are nothing more than an annoyance to her, hence her anger/attitude.

The decision to leave or stay is wholly up to you. If you stay then best for you to check out as well and make your own life within the marriage.

Can we please stop saying "if you were a woman OP...". He's not a woman. He's a man who came to a female dominated forum for a female perspective. Our obvious reaction to that is to think of our own situations and why we may have shown some of the behaviour in the past that his wife is now showing. That's not excusing it, it's trying to help him understand why she may be acting the way she is.

Having said that OP, from what you've written, it's seems like you get nothing out of this relationship and should seriously think about leaving.

Sorry but you may have to try snooping. If you find something, kick her out. If you can't or don't find anything, leave her without saying a word.

Mate, you could have described much of my life there. I'm sorry to say it's time to move on and find yourself again, build your own life. I had this treatment for months/years and then discovered my (ex)Dw was having an affair.

I'm laid back, caring, sympathetic, do my best to be a good dad, worked incredibly hard etc. I put up with years of criticism (when I call this out, she was just 'making a comment) and god knows what else. It just wasn't good, and I was getting to the point where I couldn't carry on. On top of that No affection, or intimacy (let alone sex! none in 4 years!)

In a way this OM has done me a big favour, he's caught a bullet for me, and I'm outta here, I'm moving out of the family home (nothing in this house me, the decor, the furniture, even the kids toys aren't my decisions) and I'm damn well going to build myself a new life.

It's scary as hell, I won't lie to you, but seriously mate, you should do it, grab your life by the horns, it's worth it.

All the first bit (Which I'm going through still, 7 weeks on) is bloody horrible and painful, but I'm starting to see all the positives.

Oh and before anyone says anything - I'm doing this all in the DC's best interests, they need me to be happy etc.

btw I'm DadOctave OctaveDad back with a new account.....

May update more on my situ soon.

Op I have a similar story as you .. 4 years ago I got divorced and the previous year to that my no exw went from not being interested in our marriage and just going through the daily motions with no physical relationship at all.
All of a sudden she was full on sexually including the buying of sex toys , underwear etc ( that she apparently never used) I also found a unopened box of condoms hidden in a draw that she knew nothing about , looking back all this started about the time a new workman started in her office he was very helpful and often dropped paperwork at the house on her day off to save going into the office ...she denied anything and then all the sex interest stopped and she spiralled into a guilt ridden mess after he dumped her and over a couple of weeks the whole affair came out ..hence we are now divorced.
Think about yourself I couldn't see the wood for the trees and in hindsight it was as clear as day ...

Yeah, what @averageguy1 said

I think Octavdad and average guy speak from valuable experience, please for your own dignity and happiness, call time on this facade and start the rest of your life. She clearly doesn't deserve or want you, why are you happy to be somebodies second best? Ducks in a row, paper work, SHL and get your life back, regardless of your gender as far as I'm concerned. Good luck OP.

Ignatius, are you my partner? Sounds exactly like him and our situation! The reason that I am cold, disloyal (now), get pissed off, do not make eye contact or initiate affection, and prefer to keep on reading than acknowledge his presence is following years of emotional abuse and controlling behaviour. He would describe himself EXACTLY as you have. Exactly. I do the eye roll when he comes back from the shop laden with unnecessary sweets and crap. I have been both the only person working and the only person doing all the housework and childcar while he swans off to his Mummy's house for dinner. I have also thrown a pyrex dish near to his foot in a fit of frustration when he claimed that he was 'the main carer' for our kids (he takes them to school in the morning). I have been told that I am an emotionally abusive alcoholic by him (he HATES women drinking), but I think my behaviour is more that I have been worn down over the years and have zero care or respect, or desire to be with him. The only thing which is different is that I have told him for the past 3 years that I want out, but he pleads and changes (temporarily), and I have not had an affair - although I do like male attention and have been very flirty. I think you would radically improve your life by leaving. I do not condone her belittling you and being unkind in front of others. That's not on. The rest of her behaviour does not sound controlling, but she needs to be straight with you

Spangleknickers that made me smile, no I'm not your partner and I'm really sorry you have had years of emotional abuse and controlling behaviour I feel for you so much. MOosicaldaisy great name too no I wouldn't kick her out , she feels like she does for a reason whatever that reason is I don't know , all I want is honesty and decency we have a child to prepare for adulthood and life I would never demean her in that way. I have been trawling the net and I do believe that she is possibly or maybe always has been a covert narcissist , regardless of any affair she is not happy obviously, I would really prefare if she found happieness with another but that doesn't seem to be the case, unless. She just likes a casual fling I don't know but clearly nothing seems to make her happy I do question myself why oh why do I still have feelings for her and I really do not know why unless as one poster said I have lack confidence and low self esteem . Take care all

You haven't said anything that implies she is a narc TBH. Just that she doesn't like you, had an affair and you decided to stay because of the kids but neither of you had the balls to end it even though it isn't working so you are stuck in a crappy cycle of misery.

I'm behaving very similarly to your wife because of the same reasons as many on here have said. And I have talked about it for years, pleaded etc until I just get on with it and switch off. And I too get annoyed when he buys lots of crap yet doesn't buy the food we need etc. No affair (and to be honest, I doubt I'll ever have the inclination to be with another man) though he thinks the reason why I've switched off is because I've had my head turned when in fact it's his selfish, controlling , hypocritical behaviour that's to blame.

Im glad you are moving things forward for yourself Octave.

Can we please stop saying "if you were a woman OP...". He's not a woman. He's a man who came to a female dominated forum for a female perspective

No. I won't stop saying it. We can say what we like and some responses are downright sexist, in a world where women fight for equality every day.

Offer your perspective, but others can do the same as women.

Abusive women exist just like abusive men.

Abusive women exist just like abusive men.
True, but from OP's description his wife doesn't sound particularly abusive or controlling. Her behaviour is similar to that of many others who have commented on here, which is caused by completely different reasons as those put forward by OP. Yet he doesn't seem to be addressing these in the slightest.

Thanks Ignatius. Let us know what you're going to do and how it turns out.

I think you should try and confront her and see if she wants to separate. There could be a number of reasons why she is acting like that.
-Bad hormone imbalance
-Uncontrolled personality disorder maybe borderline. Could even be depressed, have extreme anxiety or stress she is hiding.
-Could be having an affair
-Could be too comfortable with you and decided to be disrespectful and abusive.

You deserve better. It might be worth telling you how you feel and give her the option of some marriage counselling, separation or some sort of help for herself.

The relationship is over OP. I think you need to cut your losses and go. Shes checked out and shes actually being vile to you. I dont think you can save it. Youve tried and shes not interested. Go before she wrecks your self esteem even more

Cheers everyone aims 331 struck a cord, I feel there's something more and it is too easy to just jump to affair mode, LTB etc etc , I agree and know that her behaviour is challenging and demeaning , but I am also aware how many times suspicion " your having an affair accusation " ruined what could be salvageable relationships. I owe it to childs to go the extra miles to get to the route cause. Yes she may be having an affair but at least my conscience will be Absoluetly clear and that is very important to me . Ta , I will be o.k .