WIfe's lack of interest in me

[Ignatius]

Unfortunately I think my wife has signed out on me. When I come home there's no eye contact , virtually no greeting, when I try to kiss her anytime her lips are pursed shut and she moves her mouth to the side. she's always being critical of my looks, clothes, she never wantss to go out with me, never calls, never texts, never asks how I am, never ever shows affection, she is even critical of me in front of people lately I can't stand it, been married 20 years. As she gets older she seems getting more impatient, nagging and aggressive. She never says she loves me anymore, when I ask why she says I'm too sensitive and we are not 20 anymore. She now controls everything . Is she ill??

I believe you OP, this happened in our marriage although the other way round. No-one was ill, no-one was having an affair but really, the marriage was dead. No amount of talking, counselling or therapy could change the fact that we had grown apart and weren't for each other anymore; in fact, we'd both clocked out.
In a relationahip there shouldn't be aggression, shouldn't be belittling in front of others and no controlling.
If I were you, I would leave. It took me years to do this as I felt I 'should' stay and that leaving was 'wrong'....now I wish I'd done it a lot sooner.
These days I find it hard to undertsand why people stay but I guess the thinking is that being with no-one at all must be worse than being with someone, even if that someone is cold, unaffectionate and nagging. The reality is, that it's much better to be your own person again, and that a bad relationship is far, far lonelier than being on your own.
Good luck!

I must admit I'm a bit like this with my DH these days although not as extreme. It's after years of him being utterly selfish over many years despite me talking to him about it, so I have closed off and get on with everything by myself. But I feel resentful. It's everything from doing nothing with the kids, not helping with school runs, no housework, no cooking etc. And I have asked. It always goes back to this though, even if he makes an effort for a while. My life would be easier without him, which is sad. Not saying this if you, but worth thinking about.

This is like my PIL. She hates him. It stems from when they had young children and he was an arsehole to her. She didn't leave because h (as a child) begged her not to divorce him and instead decided to stay and just hate and resent him. H is 40 this year. They still live together with her hating him and him trying to stay out of her way.

Sounds like it is over for her but she can't face actually ending it.

There bound to be an OM on the scene.

LTB

There bound to be an OM on the scene.
Really, despite the number of women in the same position but for a totally different reason? Or are you trying to prove the 'if the gender were reversed... ' theory?
It astounds me that so few ppl have judged that based on such flimsy evidence as described by OP so far.

There's no OM with my PIL. She hates all men now which stems from hating him for so long.

I think you're right and she sounds nasty I would explain exactly how you feel and if she gets angry leave the room and say something like 'I'll talk to you again when you're willing to listen'. Don't allow her to make these problems that are upsetting you be about her. Then, when she's calmed down try again and again until you manage to tell her. Then, if she doesn't listen to you I would be LTB.
I do think it's a bit odd that you ask if she's ill though? If you want things to work maybe try listening to what she's 'nagging' about, if she wants you to help her with something try not to see it as nagging and try and see it as her asking for help and maybe even telling you what's upsetting her?

The lack of affection and interest alone would indicate that the OP's wife is fed up. I don't think there's any excuse for criticising looks and belittling him in front of others though. That suggests something nastier than her simply being tired of being taken for granted. Nobody should have to look live like this.

I had to withdraw and put in boundaries to protect H when we separated because she jumped straight to being on my side. He had emotional and communication issues which caused me to go and his DM was spot on about a lot of the stuff she said but I felt really he should be able to expect his DM to be his.

I think many people get bored and mildly depressed in long marriages , some make it obvious and some do not. After a few episodes I have found out about of disloyal behaviour , (not full on affairs as such ) I find it hard to feel the same and hence feel less affectionate, however I am not plain nasty like this. I would ask her straight out , do you like me? In my case I do like my DH a lot, I just don't feel quite the same. At the moment I'm giving it time to see if this returns.

I became like this with my ex. For me it was a combination of working, looking after a toddler, single handedly running the household and looking after all finances, whilst he just went out drinking after work (having been drinking at lunchtime too). The smell of stale alcohol is not attractive.

It got too much for him and he left. I do regret it a bit now, but must've felt it was justified at the time.

Not saying you are like this, but no affair here either. Never even looked at another man. Good luck, I hope you get it sorted x

I'd agree with those saying she's checked out and it sounds nasty and unfair on you.

However, my trigger word "nagging" appeared in your post which ime means the need to ask over and over and over again because the other person couldn't give a shit what you need from them. At this point you either call a halt or accept that's your life and you check out because caring means your always being hurt.

My mum said in hindsight her marriage was over when she stopped caring and feeling.

O.k. So many thanks for all your replies. So for the record I am a caring confident loving person with lots of understanding and empathy . We share the chores, I have never ever hurt her in any way either emotionally , physically I am clean and tidy and I believe I am a great father. I guess that's for the posts who perhaps thought she was unhappy with me because etc etc etc. Someone asked me about the control , well as the years role on she controls everything , here are some examples. Why have you put the heating on, I,m cold, you can't be cold I'm not cold it's not cold out you can't be cold. If I buy extra food why have you got extra food I do the shopping. twice now she has thrown a plate and a cup in anger because I tried to question her control. That's why I asked is she ill? To those who asked about history , when the children were young she had an affair quite a long one said she fell in love with him, I found out by accident , I forgave her. The main reason and the reason I I remain is the love for my child. I posted because I wanted people's honest take because sometimes things just o around and around in your head and you loose all sense of what is right and what is wronge, the silent treatment is the worse or the suttle movement away from me when I attempt to walk close with her you know like others do. I guess listening to myself I won't do anything until the child's have gone . I have asked her if she is depressed she insists she's not , I ask her if there is someone else she gets angry , I have asked her to come to relate she refuses. I don't know I just don't know.

Imagine this life in five years....you only have one life, be happy on your own or with somebody else.

You deserve to be happy. Either she talks to you face to face or in counselling (if you still want to be with her at all) or you split.

Honestly OP. I'd leave.

At a guess I'd say she stayed with you out of duty and because it's what people do. She checked out years ago when she had the affair and massively resents you for the life she feels she missed out on.

Just leave. Tonight, tomorrow. Just go.

You're going to have to give more examples if you want me to believe that is her controlling everything.
Your description of yourself doesn't convince me she couldn't be in the same position as the op who have posted similar either. Do you both work? How old are the kids? Sex life? Pretty flimsy details, OP.

Bollocks, if a woman came on here and said her DH controlled if she was hot or cold or how much food she could buy as he did the shopping....we'd all be shouting at her that he was controlling

• She doesn't love you.
• She doesn't respect you.
• She isn't attracted to you.

Everything you've said indicates she's not interested.

Protect your assets as best as you can and look forward to a future without her, or face more misery.

Something is definitely happening here which you dont know.Better talk to her or take her to Marriage counselling .She is getting older as you said so she might be having some sort of old age related mental illness and Yes she is right to say that you both are not 20 anymore .Better consult a doctor and counseller than taking a veru quick decision to leave.

If she refuses to work on the relationship with you, then you need to leave and find happiness elsewhere. Life is too short to be trapped in a loveless marriage.

@Niccelia Agree 100%.

And if a woman came on here and said that her DH had thrown things and broken them in anger AND had a long physical and emotional affair previously, was giving her the silent treatment, withholding affection, and getting angry when she tried to talk to him about it, we'd tell her to LTB right now, too.

said her DH controlled if she was hot or cold or how much food she could buy as he did the shopping....we'd all be shouting at her that he was controlling
Bollocks right back at you. You have your opinion, I have mine. I think the things OP is complaining about don't particularly show a controlling person - have you never expressed mild disbelief that someone is cold on a hot day, or similar? Maybe she saw his buying extra food as disapproval of what she bought or maybe the budget is tight and he bought unnecessary items - we don't have enough details to judge that. If he was talking about her telling him who he could socialise with (unless it was, eg dodgy friends with bad habits) or controlling his time/activities out of work, finances etc, then I'd think he had a valid point. But if these are the worst examples of her 'controlling everything' then I think he's being a bit sensitive.
Of course, the update on the past affair could be why he's more sensitive to perceived slights than I would be. That's understandable. I'm just saying that I think he's jumping to conclusions based on the evidence given. I'd say that whether OP was male or female, based on my own experience, which we all take into account when we comment.

Yes she did behave exactly like this during the affair but now there is just no evidence of an affair. Although I have not seen her phone or iPad or kindle in ages, but I'm not snooping about its so demeaning, I know I deserve to be treated better . I am starting to need affection I have not had any for years and I don't mean sex I mean basic human affection and care. The control is suttle a little word here or there and the tone it's said in, makes me very aware that there is constant attempt at control. Sensitive to it, maybe i am . I guess when one is being denied basic human interactions one does become sensitive . Here is another example she's in bed reading , I get into bed she doesn't stop reading she says nothing, I try to talk ...I'm reading....finishes a couple of pages shuts the book turns over back to me says absolutely nothing. I lay there stomach churning thinking I don t exist . This is not normal . As I said I know it's abnormal what I was looking for from this was anything I could have missed.

Thanks again to everyone who has taken the time out to think a bit and post I know our lives are so fast these days so cheers and u all have your own lives and dilemmas.