WIfe's lack of interest in me

[Ignatius]

Unfortunately I think my wife has signed out on me. When I come home there's no eye contact , virtually no greeting, when I try to kiss her anytime her lips are pursed shut and she moves her mouth to the side. she's always being critical of my looks, clothes, she never wantss to go out with me, never calls, never texts, never asks how I am, never ever shows affection, she is even critical of me in front of people lately I can't stand it, been married 20 years. As she gets older she seems getting more impatient, nagging and aggressive. She never says she loves me anymore, when I ask why she says I'm too sensitive and we are not 20 anymore. She now controls everything . Is she ill??

OP. Reverse this and this is similar to the treatment I am getting at home. I am female. H is the one giving out silent treatment. Three times about a week apart I have talked to him with not much response but I've asked are you seeing someone? A: no. Have you met someone: A: no.

I then ask why he won't talk to me? A: because you get annoyed and talk over me.I say then tell me what's wrong? A: You put me down. I ask how? Because your family think I should do such and such and they all laugh at me. Me: no they don't think that at all. You're being a bit over sensitive.

I ask if he wants me to leave? A: I don't know.

I ask why are you sleeping downstairs on the sofa? A: I don;t know, I just can't deal with the way you are.

I am confused. Does he want me or not? Does he care about me or not?

I ask do you want to separate? A: I don't know... it's a big decision.

I ask do you want to go to counselling? A: no.

I ask do you think we can solve problems if you won't talk to me? A: I don't know.....you're unapproachable.

None of this helps you. I don't have any advice because I'm not getting to the bottom of my situation yet. It's confusing and difficult to understand your W's behaviour but something is going on. I need to sit down and get H to talk to me. He seems not to want to open up. I have suggested that maybe there are personal perhaps medical things or mental health stuff that he's struggling with and perhaps he should see the gp. He just looks away.

I hope you can sit down and have a face to face talk with your wife and ask her what she wants to do and what she wants from you.

@FritzDonovan
True, but from OP's description his wife doesn't sound particularly abusive or controlling. Her behaviour is similar to that of many others who have commented on here, which is caused by completely different reasons as those put forward by OP.

There have been many occasions when male behaviour has been described which doesn't, on the surface, appear avusive or controlling if taken in isolation or out of context. We only ever see one side of a story and to immediately leap to an accusation of abuse without a genuine picture of most people's lives can be considered naive or blinkered.

Perhaps we need to acknowledge that people of both sexes can display sbysive traits without being out and out abusers. The OP's wife may be abusive. She may be like a lot of us who have simply shut down after years of the daily grind. We'll probably never know for sure. But we SHOULD listen and help with the OP's problem rather than dismiss or condemn at will? We are not judge and jury here.

But we SHOULD listen and help with the OP's problem rather than dismiss or condemn at will? We are not judge and jury here.
I'm not saying we shouldn't help, but those things in themselves seem an unlikely indicator of an abusive spouse to me (and others). I'm all for helping, but OP seemed fixated on the initial thoughts he had, without regard to the many other valid reasons ppl put forward. As you say, we only have one side of the story, OP has not reflected on himself in the context of these other reasons.

In every other thread in which someone has been accused as being controlling/abusive, there have been many more obvious examples than the vague 'reasons' given here. Of course, she may be controlling, but based on OP's post, I have my doubts.

Fritzdonovon:- Do you think the use of the silent treatment is a tool in an abusers armoury .........a form of coercion ? a form of control ? I think this one tool alone is proof of abuse. I believe It's used to make the other person feel bad, it's used to silence opinion, to shut down open and honest discussions. A voice and an opinion is a basic human right ? The silence can last for days. At the table, in the bedroom, in the car. Is this not abuse. I can't believe I am having to defend my self on this because of your doubts if this constitutes abuse.

To all the women on here who say "I'm like I am, throwing Pyrex dishes, rolling eyes, not wanting intimacy, basically having total disdain for your partner" because he's treated me badly all this time.

Why on earth are you still there. I'm not trying to be harsh, just trying to understand why you would almost want to stay and punish rather than leave and be happy.

Spangle, I am genuinely not trying to be horrible to you, but your post shocked with the amount of resentment and bitterness. You genuinely need to get out, because if that's how it comes across in one post then god only knows what's seeping out at home

Same goes for the ops wife, though we cannot know why she behaves the way she does.

And op
You just need to leave. No one can live in an abusive relationship
And if you think she is and you feel you still can't leave then there are deeper issues with yourself and you should get yourself to a good therapist on your own ASAP

Thankyou worried Rose , I think you are right in regards help for me, I think I know why I am trying my hardest to carry on . My parents divorced when I was early teens and it hurt. I vowed to myself that I would ensur I fell for the right person and that no child of mine would go through what I went through, even now I can recall the tears I shed all those years ago. So maybe there is a case that I am hurting myself to keep to my silly vow. So yes my parents divorce did perhaps damage my self esteem .

OP life is too short. Your situation sounds unhealthy and your child is getting it as their model of relationships.

You can have a good relationship with your child when divorced.

You should not settle for this cold horrible relationship. Speak to your wife and give her the opportunity to get help. Get some counselling and help for yourself as to how to move forward.

I think the silent treatment thing is a form of abuse OP.
It completely blocks any attempt to move forward. It also removes any agency from the person trying to fix things whilst putting the one behaving like a sulky child in the position of power.
All the women who have posted saying they behave like OPs wife have been significantly different in that they tried to talk to their DHs before things got so bad.
Their resentment comes from not being heard or taken seriously when they asked for change.

OP, if she won't admit or address the problems in the relationship, there is nothing you can do but leave.
An atmosphere dripping with poison and resentment is far more damaging to your children than a divorce.
Don't tear yourself apart looking for reasons, try your best to have a clean, amicable split.
Re-read Octave's post. That should be you in a couple of months!

OP. It's so hard to let go. I really feel for you.

Have you ever spoken to your parents about their divorce?
That's a hard thing to shoulder the burden of when you were a child.
That's why some kind of talking therapy would be really good to address your past experiences and how they affect your adult life decisions
Good luck op

Hi Ignatius

Have RTFT. The part that really stood out was you lying there with your stomach churning. Please don't live like this any longer. It's terrible.

And also, your child is getting a terrible view of relationships and is likely to end up in a similar situation as they won't have any idea what normal is. Better for you both to get out.

OP 'staying for the sake of the kids' is such a ridiculous notion of you think about it. If a friend came to you with your exact problem would you say 'I think you should stay together so the child can be raised around negativity, lovelessness and resentment'? No. You would say the child should be raised by two separate parents who can both offer love and warmth and teach the child what is and what is not acceptable in a relationship.

I'm not asking you to defend yourself OP. I am stating my belief, as is everyone else who comments on this thread. If you feel that getting the silent treatment constitutes abuse, leave.

Although if you do want to defend yourself, why haven't you answered questions posed earlier such as:
Do you call/text/ask her out? Are you never impatient/nagging/aggressive?

Your whole thread is focused on the fact that your wife gives you the silent treatment and you see this as abuse. You still have a voice and an opinion,
whether she replies to you or not. To say otherwise is ridiculous.

If she no longer wants any interaction with you there must be a reason. According to you, you are practically perfect, so it must be her. So take steps to part ways then. She'll either start talking to you to sort it out or be grateful you grew a pair and made a decision to split (as you think she hates you anyway).
Comments on you being cold or querying why you have bought extra food are simply not controlling! You went from saying she now controls everything to only giving these two lame examples.
I am sympathetic to those suffering abuse, but you make yourself sound over sensitive, based on little actually occurring.

She sounds awful op you deserve better. Life's too short I'd give her one last chance to discuss then leave

It really is crazy how much the advice changes when it's a man complaining about a woman!

worriedrose - thanks for the concern. I AM bitter and resentful. The difference with me is that he knows that I want out. I have been honest and told him what the problem is. We have been to a therapist together. He uses every tool in his kit to make me stay (threatening to take the kids/saying he wont leave) and it's HARD when you are on a very low income and aren't married. He has a great deal of financial back up and could take me to the cleaners. Very scary

It really is crazy how much the advice changes when it's a man complaining about a woman!
Certainly not from me . I stand by my view that I would consider 'the silent treatment' as immature and irritating rather than abusive, and comments on being cold/buying extra food are the same (but not controlling).
What has started to get my goat is the number of women who have explained the reasons they behave in a similar way, and are being ignored, as OP doesn't appear to be considering/reflecting upon/answering this. If he has ignored his wife's opinions in a similar way through the years I could see why she behaves this way.
Of course, this is a lot of projection, a reaction to OP getting pissy with me up thread. Strikes me as something my dh would say when in full on victim mode. Conveniently forgetting that he gets arsey too, and if he remembered to do a job and did it correctly I wouldn't have to 'nag'... Etc.

OP you are not acting like a man in your marriage and so tour wife does not see or treat you like one. You are behaving like a whiny woman. So she cannot respect you and it will not get better until you man up. Listen to online coaching by Corey Wayne, free on YouTube. Highly recommended in your situation .

@spangleknickers
That sounds awful
I am so sorry. I really hope you can find a way out. Not a lot I can say, people stay in worse marriages for less valid reasons.

Your post struck me for many reasons. I hope I didn't come across as judging you, as that's not what I intended at all.
I've read a lot of posts on here, and for some reason yours made me feel very sad and angry on your behalf.

Maybe start your own thread? You might get some good practical advice, it sounds like he's run rings round you, but there is always an alternative and mumsnet is great at giving good advice (in amongst the other crap)

Did your child witness her throwing things at you? If so, it's dreadful. If not, she has control over it and chooses to do it.

This is not a marriage. And if you think that a child is being prepared for life, love and happiness by seeing your relationship as what a marriage should be like, you are kidding yourself. Much better to end things.

I'd end it. Life has to be better than this.

Well I have still got my head in the sand Regards this and can’t move forwards. I came home early the other night and wife was on her when she saw me coming she quickly switched off and virtually threw the on
Hone into her robe pocket, un aware that I had already seen this. She acted nonchalenty, I asked her why the furtive behaviour with the phone, she coloured. Daughter was in next room so I backed off. When daughter was out I asked again , she came at me with you don’t trust me , I was doing nothing wrong, why so furtive then? She then screamed I hate you I hate you and slammed the door locked herself in the bathroom sobbing. I just don’t know which way to turn I have don3 nothing wrong. When ever I ask her anything she goes 8nto direct and aggressive attack mode. People tell me to leave on this thread but why should I leave the home I have worked my ass off for , for 20 years why should I leave my daughter. I know what you will all say but I feel paralysed and weak

She was on her phone above sorry very tired very tired