What would you make of this?

[gingergenius]

I'm a bit confused! Have been with OH for 6 years. I have 3 kids (not his) and he did live with us for about 18 months, but it was clear it wasn't a good dynamic so we split up for a few months as there was some tension but ultimately it wasn't working for my kids so I asked him to move out (think older kids/early teens clashing with alternative father figure- recipe for disaster but I naively thought it could work. I have learned my lesson).

We started seeing each other again but I try to keep our time together to around 3 times per week - kids tolerate him but would prefer to have me to themselves. They do however acknowledge that it's not him particularly, it's just that he's not their dad, which I get. So we've been bobbing along with a reasonable amount of compromise and everyone has been comfortable with the arrangements.

Last week, I saw OH more than normal as we also work in my business together and sometimes this happens. He stayed over more than normal. Kids were fine (we are very open and talk lots and I know they would say if it was problematic) - I've had masses of work this week and my eldest wanted to watch a movie with me - Saturday night was the first night I've been able to due to client deadlines, so we agreed on Friday night that we'd have our movie night on Saturday.
Told OH that was our plan on Saturday morning and he was most put out, stating that as it was a Saturday night we should spend it together.

I pointed out that we'd seen a lot of each other and that it is important to me that my kids don't feel I put him over them.

He's still refusing to acknowledge my point and still if the opinion that because it was a Saturday, I should somehow have put him at the top of my tree.

I love my kids. I've made mistakes but they are my priority and we are very close (they are 9, 12 and 15).

Am I wrong to think he should back off? I feel like he's really out of order for stropping about this - but every time I try to get him to see my point of view he shuts it down by telling me he doesn't want to get into an argument. I'm really confused! WAS I unreasonable???

TBH yep I think YABU. It's one thing to be careful and take your children's feelings into account, it is completely another for them to dictate your entire relationship! If my bf had told me that on the Saturday morning I would be pretty pissed off. Yes your children should come first, but your OH shouldn't always come completely bottom either and he has already been moved in and out again because your children won't accept it!

He should respect your decision, you've made plans and you're not free. He sounds jealous of your kids.

@Orlandointhewilderness - we'd seen each other for 5 out of the 7 previous s days/evenings hence my feeling that it wasn't a problem. We don't have 9-5 jobs. We do not currently live together. But it's good to see perspective!

Had you made actual plans with him for Saturday night?

It sounds as if you allow your children to control your relationship. Why are you checking with them if it's ok that he's spending extra time there?

If your children don't get on with your partner to the extent he's had to move out then surely you should either be reviewing your relationship and look at the reasons why there is no relationship between him and your children or you need to be telling your children that you do have a right to a relationship, and that provided he hasn't done anything specific wrong he is entitled to respect at the very least.

I absolutely believe that children's view should be taken into account, but ultimately this man is now in your life as well and you're expecting him to come bottom of the pile whenever you snap your fingers.

Being asked to move out would have been a deal breaker for me, as I would have considered that a relationship was clearly out of the question if the children were so against. So tbh I think you're lucky he's stuck around at all.

Why am I lucky? That's an interesting choice of phrase!

No, I had t made any plans. It would have been watching tv.

There were some issues when he moved out which caused the children some upset. I didn't want to mention them because I wanted an unbiased view but equally I don't want to drip feed. There were some things that he did which have given the kids reason to give him a wide berth and although I still love him and I'm willing to give him another chance, I'm aware I don't have the right to expect the kids to do the same.

If you hadn't made plans then I don't see what his problem is, you'd seen him 5 nights out of 7 !!! He's acting like a child himself to be honest.

And they are respectful. They aren't rude, They just don't want to hang out with him!

What things did he do? Its really impossible to say if YBU or not without knowing this.

But from the information we have, I think you're kids are really not on with this. Youve been spplit up from their dad for long enough, and they're old enough now. It would irritate me as your partner.

When we separated, he took one of the family dogs (the passive dopey one) and wouldn't give him back). It has coloured the kids' opinion of him and whilst they have stopped being angry (they have a polite convo etc) they'd prefer not to spend extended time in his company.

We now have a shared arrangement regarding the dog but it was upsetting at the time.

Lucky because by wanting him to move out you're giving him the message that this relationship doesn't work as a step family. And that's fair enough, if it doesn't work then it doesn't work. But to then continue the relationship afterwards while he is fully aware that your children don't like him and that he can never live there because of your children, you're expecting him to make all the compromises.

I would have left the instant it became apparent the stepfamily situation wasn't working. There's not a chance I'd be sticking around for the crumbs.

YANBU. He has no right to demand even more of your time. More concerning are the things he did which have given your DC reason to give him a wide berth! Responses here will be unbiased anyway because we don't know you or him but drip feeding isn't going to help with advice.

What did he do that was so abhorrent? Sounds like there's been something pretty big happened that you accept your children can never forgive them for. But you've forgiven him for. Which makes the whole situation really difficult and emotionally fraught.

Fair enough @TheRealBiscuitAddict - he was the one also wanting to give the relationship another chance knowing that his actions had caused a problem. He doesn't get crumbs. but he does have to understand that compromises have to be made as a result of past issues. But you're right, maybe I am clinging on to a relationship that has run its course. I'm genuinely trying to work out the right path. Thanks for your honest. It is appreciated.

Ah cross posted/took ages to post. The dog thing would be a goodbye from me. He's a twat. Bun him,

Trying not to drip feed. Really! Just didn't want to do an extended and dramatic first post, as I've seen that go down really badly!

Sorry if this is a dopey question but can't you all three watch the film together? Why can't he included too?

As a step parent who's always moved to the bottom of the pile, it's a really shit place to be. If your kids don't want him around and you're going to listen to them do him a favour and let him go to find someone who will appreciate him and put him at the top of their priorities. Don't mess people around.

@Anecdoche - dog ownership is a legal conundrum. I paid for him, he is legally registered in my name, and I pay for his insurance and microchip. Apparently, though, according to the police, because he is 'property' the rule if possession being 9/10ths of the law plays out and it's therefore a civil matter which means I would have had to take him to the small claims court to try and get the pooch back.

@onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad for two reasons:

First my eldest son has the biggest problem with him. He's polite and will be respectful but because of dog issue, he'd prefer not to spend the evening with him, and would just go to his room if OH was here.