What would you make of this?

[gingergenius]

I'm a bit confused! Have been with OH for 6 years. I have 3 kids (not his) and he did live with us for about 18 months, but it was clear it wasn't a good dynamic so we split up for a few months as there was some tension but ultimately it wasn't working for my kids so I asked him to move out (think older kids/early teens clashing with alternative father figure- recipe for disaster but I naively thought it could work. I have learned my lesson).

We started seeing each other again but I try to keep our time together to around 3 times per week - kids tolerate him but would prefer to have me to themselves. They do however acknowledge that it's not him particularly, it's just that he's not their dad, which I get. So we've been bobbing along with a reasonable amount of compromise and everyone has been comfortable with the arrangements.

Last week, I saw OH more than normal as we also work in my business together and sometimes this happens. He stayed over more than normal. Kids were fine (we are very open and talk lots and I know they would say if it was problematic) - I've had masses of work this week and my eldest wanted to watch a movie with me - Saturday night was the first night I've been able to due to client deadlines, so we agreed on Friday night that we'd have our movie night on Saturday.
Told OH that was our plan on Saturday morning and he was most put out, stating that as it was a Saturday night we should spend it together.

I pointed out that we'd seen a lot of each other and that it is important to me that my kids don't feel I put him over them.

He's still refusing to acknowledge my point and still if the opinion that because it was a Saturday, I should somehow have put him at the top of my tree.

I love my kids. I've made mistakes but they are my priority and we are very close (they are 9, 12 and 15).

Am I wrong to think he should back off? I feel like he's really out of order for stropping about this - but every time I try to get him to see my point of view he shuts it down by telling me he doesn't want to get into an argument. I'm really confused! WAS I unreasonable???

The dog was your joint pet?
If so I don't see the harm in him taking his own dog?
This whole thing seems terribly confusing, why are you both bothering? This can't go anywhere whilst your put your children ao far first that he had to move out of the house? How long were you living together for?

@onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad - sorry forgot second reason!

2nd is because OH has been at mine for 5 out if 7 days/nights over past week so felt it was important to give my DS some together time

What caused him to leave in the first place? If you got the dog whilst he lived with you then he could have equal entitlement to said pet? Also agree with below post why can't he watch film with you and the DC?

Who owed the dog?

@Whosthemummynow dog registered/paid for by me but joint inasmuch as we all lived together. Taking of the dog wasn't discussed - he took him while I was away with the kids.

he is the adult and they do need to show some respect like they do for a teacher/grandparents/aunts/etc. if they cross the line (you don't want them ignoring him if he tell them no they can't play with fire) yes, you do have the final say when it comes to your children and yes they do need to know that your OH is not replacing their father or taking you away from them (you still love them) it is really your job to make that clear to your children.

Film was the 2011 version of The Thing so not suitable for youngers and eldest DS would just have gone to his room as prefers not to have extended hangout time with OH.

I'm seeing at the responses that I have some major thinking to do here. Thankyou for your perspective.

I don't see how this relationship can move forward tbh

So it was hia dog too then.

Bit mean/petty but hardly worthy of teenage children flouncing and getting all high and mighty about what a terrible person he is.

@blueberrypie0112 they are respectful and know that wilfully being rude is not acceptable.

Yes the dog issue is secondary, no? It happened at the time you split up. So what was the actual issue which caused you to split in the first place?

YANBU. Definitely not. He'd seen you plenty and frankly kids come first.

Your call OP maybe you're right to put your kids first. But me personally, I dont think the dog "crime" was deserving of such a reaction, and I think your kids are too old to be dictating your love life. Over and out! 😁

@splendidisolation yes teenage flouncing is probably a bit OTT. My youngest was 7 at the time and they found it all very upsetting. They understand that I am giving it another go but I don't have the right to impose the same on them, I feel.

At the moment the eldest refusing to talk to him was because of his taking the dog when he left. A dog which was as much his as theirs legal ownership aside. But there was something prior to this which caused him to move out..

Your kids know how to hold a grudge! Considering he took the dog (that was also his) 2 years ago!

A lot of pettiness going on here (for one, there should be no "who come first" contest going on here. Everything is just is) Remind your son that your OH loves that dog just as much and the dog is well taken care of and that's all it matters

@TheRealBiscuitAddict there were difficulties relating to being a blended family, and running a business which led to the relationship dissolving both financially and personally.

I'm not comfortable revealing the gory details as I'm trying to put past hurts behind me and I don't think it's healthy to keep churning up past anger. There was money and another person involved.

I'm trying very hard to move on from these issues. We are still together because our work life is very entwined (had it not, we probably would not have ended up trying again).

I'm not trying to be deliberately vague but I'm trying to focus on the current problem, and it seems that perhaps I could be a little less child-centred and that perhaps I'm being oversensitive to their needs and I need a little more balance. I can do that - thanks again for the balanced views.

No. My DS does not refuse to talk to him. He is polite and respectful but would prefer not to spend extended time in his company @TheRealBiscuitAddict

There was money and another person involved

Aha, I see now. OP you and your DC (and Dogs) deserve better than this. He was an ex for a reason. Move on from him, he sounds awful.

I could hardly bear to make polite conversation with an adult who took a family dog away from any children. Let alone a relationship with an adult who took the family dog away from my children.

So there was an OW? Ditch him then.

There was money and another person involved

I'm trying very hard to move on from these issues. We are still together because our work life is very entwined (had it not, we probably would not have ended up trying again)

Maybe you're trying too hard to move on, OP. Doesn't sound like a great relationship.

I don't think YABU. If he's had you 5 out of 7 nights, if I was him, I'd be suggesting some 1-1 time with your kids. He clearly doesn't value your relationship with your children enough to encourage you to have special time with them, too.