What would you make of this?

[gingergenius]

I'm a bit confused! Have been with OH for 6 years. I have 3 kids (not his) and he did live with us for about 18 months, but it was clear it wasn't a good dynamic so we split up for a few months as there was some tension but ultimately it wasn't working for my kids so I asked him to move out (think older kids/early teens clashing with alternative father figure- recipe for disaster but I naively thought it could work. I have learned my lesson).

We started seeing each other again but I try to keep our time together to around 3 times per week - kids tolerate him but would prefer to have me to themselves. They do however acknowledge that it's not him particularly, it's just that he's not their dad, which I get. So we've been bobbing along with a reasonable amount of compromise and everyone has been comfortable with the arrangements.

Last week, I saw OH more than normal as we also work in my business together and sometimes this happens. He stayed over more than normal. Kids were fine (we are very open and talk lots and I know they would say if it was problematic) - I've had masses of work this week and my eldest wanted to watch a movie with me - Saturday night was the first night I've been able to due to client deadlines, so we agreed on Friday night that we'd have our movie night on Saturday.
Told OH that was our plan on Saturday morning and he was most put out, stating that as it was a Saturday night we should spend it together.

I pointed out that we'd seen a lot of each other and that it is important to me that my kids don't feel I put him over them.

He's still refusing to acknowledge my point and still if the opinion that because it was a Saturday, I should somehow have put him at the top of my tree.

I love my kids. I've made mistakes but they are my priority and we are very close (they are 9, 12 and 15).

Am I wrong to think he should back off? I feel like he's really out of order for stropping about this - but every time I try to get him to see my point of view he shuts it down by telling me he doesn't want to get into an argument. I'm really confused! WAS I unreasonable???

I could hardly bear to make polite conversation with an adult who took a family dog away from any children. Let alone a relationship with an adult who took the family dog away from my children

^ This

Can you continue the relationship as you are, without the children's involvement? Or do you think it's run its course?

From the children's perspective, the dog was their family dog, paid for by their mum, microchipped by their mum, and looked after and fed by their mum, in their home. So no, I dont agree that the partner had any right to take the dog at all. The dog was part of the family, and you don't just take a dog away whilst the children are out without prior agreement, unless he wanted to be cruel. Sounds like he did it to deliberately hurt you and the children. And it worked.

You can't really take that kind of thing back. Children don't work like that. That's why it's awful when adult relationship messes are not kept away from children. Or when an adult directly hurts them in the throes of wounded love.

So this current situation must be bloody awkward for all concerned!

I wonder if your children are worried about your partner moving back in? 5 days in a row then your partner throwing a tantrum because it's not six days? I can imagine the children getting pretty edgy about this.

It's like the dc and the partner have shared custody of you! And each one gets terribly hurt if they're not getting their share.

Does it work normally? Or do you find yourself getting spread thin attending you everyone else's need for a piece of you?

If it works, and you get something out of it without constantly disappointing someone, then it's worth continuing.

If not, well...

@WellThisIsShit I completely understand your point. It does normally work. It's been a heavy week due to client deadlines so he's been over more than normal. I've spoken to the DC and made it ckear to them that he will not be moving back in because it wouldn't be appropriate or fair for anyone. I've also had that convo with OH and he knows it's the only rational decision based on past mistakes.

I have a very open door policy with the DC and we talk openly about concerns and problems. They don't entirely understand why we are still seeing each other, but when they ask, I explain that we laugh together and can 'be ourselves' in a way that is unlike any other relationship. My eldest DS said 'what? Like best friends?' Which is the only way I can relate it to them.

They don't necessarily understand but they do trust that I take not of their opinions and concerns and are willing to see how it goes, as long as he doesn't pull the same shit.

They're really not dictating my relationship. It they have the right to reserve judgement. At least imo.

I do wonder whether I'm projecting my own childhood neuroses on to my kids. DM married x5 and issues with a SF in my early teens so it's entirely possible I'm being overly worried about imposing my partner choices. I've had this convo with my OH. He does know this is an issue for me but it could be colouring my judgement. Hence the original post! I don't mind being told that I could get a bit more of a balanced perspective on things but sometimes these thoughts go round and round I Tor head and your don't know what to think!

He's being a dick - he's trying to force you to choose between him and your DC. Really crappy behaviour

Somehow I missed page 2 - he took your DCs dog. I'd never speak to him again!

says someone who has no love for pets but seriously?!!

If someone took my dog without discussion I would be fuming, can understand why your kids don't like him.

Crikey. How odd re the dog. What a numpty he is/was. Does he still have the dog? How very awkward!!! That said, it sounds like they have quite a lot of say in your private life OP. Which is not always great for kids' understanding of roles and boundaries growing up. I also think, to be fair, that you should be able to have movie time with your ds. But due to the prior issues you can't all sit together for that particular hour and a half. Sounds like it isn't an easy situation all round but I dunno what the answer is because the dynamics are all well entrenched and it now is what it is. I would wager that this extra person and financial scenario might also tip the balance and that maybe, just maybe, your OH is actually a knobend.
I am so helpful!
You're welcome.

If Saturday is a night you always spend together I can see why he was disappointed not to be spending it with you. If you had told him earlier in the week he could have made other plans.

@HipsterAssassin you made me lol! Thankyou! It's not a b&w situation and there are lots of points from PPs that resonat. As said previously I come from a bit of a messed up childhood (nowhere near as bad as some, but confusing nonetheless) and I wonder if my desire not to repeat my own experiences is at play here? Quite possibly!

Perhaps would be good for me and kids to do family therapy or similar.

@Bizzysocks sometimes. Not always. And there have been situations recently where he has decided on whether we're seeing each other or not. He knows that work priorities have meant that I've not been much available to anyone this week. My son had been asking for some 1-2-1 time for over a week and this Saturday was the first time I could accommodate. I wasn't deliberately excluding my OH, but the situation is such that it is more comfortable, atm, as one or the other. It's a work in progress.

It's the putting past upsets behind you that is the worrying thing imo.

@springydaffs is it not good to move on from anger? He also had a difficult early life. It doesn't excuse bad behaviour and I really truly believe that, but it DOES go some way to understanding why people can exhibit shitty behaviour.

Feel so sorry for your kids.
You have apparently told them he will not be moving back in but by the actual REALITY of it he still stays at yours at least half the time. So contrary to what you are promising them they still see him living with you all most of the time!
This dickhead also took the family dog (that you did and are still paying for) that the kids were obviously attached to and you seem to ignore how deliberately nasty this was.
You are lying to your kids and yourself and this partner of yours sounds like a sulky child himself.

He sounds like an arse. Taking the family dog away and from children would be the end of me.

Your 15 year old wants to spend time with you and understandably not with him. Your child is your priority plus you've spent lots of time with him this week and you're not actually cancelling on him.

I wouldn't live like this. You've got your children, your job and your life. You don't need to be walking on eggshells trying to smooth things between your children and your bf. If your children were bring unreasonable the is say fair enough, but they're not.

Bloody autocorrect, hope it's understandable!

The more of your posts I read the more I see you are putting yourself and him before the children. Sure you,chose to spend a Saturday night with DD but generally, they're all coming last. Keep it up and they won't respect you for it. They're very young still and they see their mother choosing him over them, whatever you claim. If you stay together you've got years of this unpleasant feeling, being torn. Good luck with that.

Yes, his past nay well explain his shitty behaviour. Doesn't excuse it. More importantly it doesn't mean you have to accept it.

Stealing the family dog, when you were all away is beyond belief. Not only devastating for the DC, but an attempt to control you, and keep you connected via the dog. Not good for the dog either.

I am very much of the opinion that parents have the right to their own relationships, and DC don't have an automatic right to dictate. But this is so not right. And in fact your DC think less oh him now than they did originally. Makes you think doesn't it?

He doesn't sound like a good partner to you, or someone who wants to be , or indeed should be in their lives. This situation could have serious and long term consequences for your relationship with them. I's be withdrawing for a while to take some time apart to really consider what is best for you and your DC.

Speaking of not moving back in, I think it is very confusing for the kids to promise such thing. They are probably having a Hard time figuring out if you are serious with him or not enough to feel he is part of the family now. But that's just my opinion

But after reading other posts, I do agree he need to go. Like I said, there seem to be too much pettiness and I don't think it is going to work if you in a constant battle between him and your children

I dont feel he's being reasonable.Its one night and if your relationship can't handle that level of compromise it will never work.

I think your oh was just jealous and is now pouting.
I think the dog issue shows he's self centred.You could have gone to court since you bought the dog.How someone behaves shows what hus true nature.

He may have had a bad childhood but it's not your job to fix him.If he knew the children were upset why not do the decent thing and return the dog.Holding onto it reveals something unpleasant about him.

I think he's either in your life completely and the kids life too or not. I think you're kidding yourself that you can have this much time away from your kids AND your OH. Both are missing out imo. It's join together or let go time. You're not being fair on either and least of all to yourself.

To be clear, when he comes over, it's later in the evening (9-ish) so I get to spend time with my kids on their own. Their secure enough in our relationship to tell me if they are unhappy about things. He's is not even remotely close to living with us.

Taking the dog would have been it for me. To insist on coming round as he does just seems like wanting to rub everyone's nose in it 'I moved out and took your dog, but here I am again!' Don't see how this really has legs.

A relationship with a man that your children don't get on with, who is unlikely to be able to live in the same house as you, sounds a bit futile tbh. Let alone the dog and previous issues