Things you don't miss about an Ex

[Wheelycote]

Recently become single and have been bereft. I read something on another thread and it reminded me of a behaviour ex had. Sulking.
It's strange how, things like that become the norm.

The rose tinted glasses are starting to fall. It won't happen overnight, we were together for 8 years.

Pls share something about an ex, that you don't miss.

Him walking away when the was a bill to pay in the shop.
The having to massage his ego, about his job.
The team tag with his mum, of hmm oh yes that was clever.
I kept the MIL,

The moody time on the loo, gone for hour.
The walking off in the pub, and thinking he deserved better than me.
His views on the dole, which changed 6 months after we split, as he is now on the dole and how it's not enough.
How he never bothered with the children, and now is all about how he misses them.

Ex-
Volcanic snoring
Picking his face and feet
Dshonesty
Know it all attitude

XH-
Walking on eggshells round his explosive temper
Him sending our 'spare' money back to his family
Him falling asleep on the sofa as soon as dinner was over
'But we had a deal' when he wanted something I never agreed to

The criticism. The constant fucking relentless criticism.

Competitive parenting with the mother of his dc (me).

Ignoring the bitchiness from his mother and sister towards me. Even our dd noticed it.

Physically threatening when drunk.

Gaslighting like a pro when he was fucking around.

The shit communication- I would hear things from acquaintances or his family that should have been discussed between us first.

Pictures of scantily clad friends of our dd who were about 16 at the time downloaded on his iPad. Didn't actually catch him in action but I guess it was wank fodder.

Walking ahead -yes!

Eggshells for days...

Feel sad reading the thread, sorry to see how many of you have experienced similar, cathartic though (!).

His whinging and nagging all the time if he couldn't get his own way, until I gave in to keep the peace.

He would wait till the kids were in the room and then verbally attack me, knowing that I wouldn't respond because I didn't want the kids upset, then he would smirk at my silence, as if he had 'won' the 'argument'.

what a dick he truly is. Poor sod.

God yes, the eggshells and the hiding in the loo when parenting was needed.

Also how incredibly cheap he was. He could spend spend spend on himself but begrudged every penny on me and the kids.

Is there some weird school were men are taught to behave like this? I mean seriously where does it come from?

I'd be mortified of my sons grew up and acted like these dicks.

oh and i don't miss his scent. its actually wrong to my nose - very very off-putting and too sweet. that's one of the things that made me think that physically and chemically, it was all wrong, too.

yes the crap sex might have been down to the tiny willy which he may have been fixated about. I did try to reassure (I've a few kids after all) that it worked fine - i just cant help thinking it made him angry and defeatist.
I'll never know the truth so will draw my own conclusions.....

i feel so much better after writing this down

hope me too - id be hopping mad if either of them treated a partner in that way.
if they cannot handle compromise, be reasonably egalitarian and above all kind, then i have failed as their mother. bottom line.

Urgh the criticism by my god they can't take it or I never had the courage to call my exp the alcoholic psychopath he is.

The not allowing male friends. I thought exp was better about this but he hides his time and found an excuse to push my best bloke mate out. An acquaintance came up to me in a cafe to tell me best bloke mates dad died and he was a mess. Exp was a bit stoned by that but few weeks later back to snidely comments. I will never never allow this again.

Good for you, Queen. Ah yes, jealous of all friends, and forbidding me to speak to any male. What a jerk.

His moaning, whinging, whining, stupid, the world owes me a fuckin living, I'm special, sorry sad excuse for a face!!! What was I thinking?

I stayed so long because for me it was a combination of naivety , crushingly low self-esteem and a feeling that if i left there was nowhere to go, plus I believed that he would turn nasty, too. It took me a long time to get the nerve up. It's facing things about yourself, too.

Ah, interesting r.e. male attention, my ex was the opposite. He had a bit of a cuckold fetish I think, he liked it when I got male attention and would want more sex because of it.

Ironing: apparently it was one of the many things I didn't do right, which worked out well for me as I left him to it early on as a result :)

Still in process of splitting up but I won't miss:

His laziness around the house
Zero contributions to finances
No interest in getting a job
Nothing ever bring his fault
The constant nose excavating
Spending £££ on his hobby
Being late for everything
His rudeness to my family
Eating fast, huge mouthfuls and not closing his mouth
Etc
Etc
Etc

Tishope - the poor guy had my exh threatening to break his legs and my exp pushing him out when he was broken with grief. A friend who puts up with that is clearly there for more than a potential shag ffs!!

Exp doesn't have any friends. Not a single one. I didn't miss the red flag he just lied about it early on.

I could write a book about lying in general....

Almost everything that's been said. But I'll add a few
Making a comment on everything I ate.
Staying in bed all morning EVERY DAY after I get up at 5.30 (not working nights or anything) coming downstairs and demanding breakfast, while moaning there were toys on the floor (toddler) and then asking what's for tea.
Taking the remote away from me. I never watched anything I wanted. Or he'd let me watch it, then switch over half way through.
On the very rare occasion we'd go out, he used to spend the evening taking the piss out of me embarrassing me for his mates. Or leaving me stood at the bar for ages on my own.
Saying 'don't be a baby' if I had a problem, or was upset, or annoyed about anything.

I stayed so long because he totally and completely destroyed me emotionally (had me in crisis at a&e saying I was crazy and afraid I would hurt myself) about 1 year in and for a while my entire self worth was totally dependent on him being pleased with me (or not).

That's the default I think Offred, the "you're unhinged/batshit/crazy" - the last resort when they've got nothing else to throw at you. Sorry you had to go through that.

I was saying I was crazy and would hurt myself, to be clear, because he had driven me to the beach late at night during a storm and raged at me for an hour about how I was crazy, how I made him treat me the way he did, how I was abusing him, how my 'past history' (of abuse) made me like that etc etc... it took years for me to get over it and back to normal me who I really like rather a lot and who I know is not crazy or deserving of abuse. I did cry happy tears recently when the psychiatrist told me there is nothing really wrong with me though and it is because I suppose deep down that night and the things he said had stayed in the back of my mind.

It probably always will. It frightens me now thinking about how destroyed I was sobbing to the crisis team about how I was an abuser and would always be abused because of how crazy I am!

I like me considerably more than I like him now. He's a pathetic little boy whose life is entirely fake and who can't live independently at 32... his flat was up for rent a couple of months after I had him arrested... now the bank of offred has closed I suspect he has run back to mummy and daddy...

He's a shit Offred.

At least you know it was him making you feel this way and not you. Things don't just happen in a vacuum.

I don't get why some men behave like this. It's like they want to actively take an independent strong woman and somehow 'leave their mark' on them. I think it's purely territorial like they see you as property rather than a human being in your own right.

It's disgusting how they get away with it. Mine won't get away with it, he's going to court. Tough shit if he think he's can walk all over me.

And yes mine always always called me a nutjob. It was another stick to beat me with. Well I've strapped my big girl pants on, I will see him in court for what he's done.

Mine is awaiting a charging decision.

I think the best thing is really the feeling that the whole relationship was a totally unimportant blip in my life TBH.

He is a total loser and I have loads going for me. The only reason he is still in my head is waiting for the police to conclude their investigation...

Other than that he never gave me any gifts to be sentimental about, he never gave me any nice memories to obsess over, he never left anything lasting, never really spent time with me, not even the bad stuff has lasted, within a few months of him being gone out of my life it was immeasurably better, more money, less anxiety, more time etc

That's fucking awful. So he was preying on you, in your vulnerability- probably feeling powerful. I don't get the motivation of men (or women) who act like this. Horrible words can stay with you I know, even though you're aware the people saying them are actually the batshit ones.

Whereas I know that actually he's so terribly afraid of people seeing through his manufactured facade of respectability that even if he isn't charged the arrest will have shaken his bluster significantly. He thought he could keep me small. He didn't expect me to stand up to him by getting the police involved. If it goes to court I'm sure he will be appalling. The police have said he's been obstructive in their opinion and annoyed that it hasn't 'just gone away'.

I'll be satisfied either way, going to court or not. Him being arrested and me getting away can be enough, him being convicted would be better but that would mean facing his horrific arrogance in court and the inevitable character assassinations...

I'm not naive enough to think he will learn anything from it or see that he has done anything wrong. This is the man who is still angry about his AS general studies paper having a 'misleading question' on it that he was the only one who understood properly and the teachers just didn't understand how clever his answer was...