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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Christian wife leaving my husband

603 replies

WonderRose · 16/09/2017 11:48

I'm a Christian woman about to leave my husband and I was looking for some advice on how to carry the guilt. We have 2 children together and have been together 3 years. He's not a very nice man. I was speaking people before but I can't remember their usernames so can't get in touch with them

OP posts:

Original poster

WonderRose · 09/10/2017 07:39

I just want to divorce him, move away and leave all this behind. I don't want all this drama and courts and police and everything that goes a long with it. I just want to leave and not look back.

OP posts:

Anniegetyourgun · 09/10/2017 07:42

This is not what your life is supposed to be like. Your parents have set you up for it, but someone else's idea of your destiny doesn't make it the truth. I can't think of a less Christian thing to do than what your parents did - using their grandchildren to betray their child to her abuser. I'm sure Jesus came down rather heavily on that sort of behaviour. This cannot be what God wants for you and it certainly isn't what you should want for yourself, or your children.

Oh, and isn't there a statistic on the Women's Aid website about it taking an average of 7 attempts to get away permanently from an abusive relationship? You've only had one try - if you can do it in 2 you've beaten the statistics! (I can't imagine having the stamina for 7, but the point is, getting away is hard but possible and worthwhile.)

Desmondo2016 · 09/10/2017 07:43

Unfortunately it's not that easy. Especially with kids involved. I tried to do what you're doing and eventually, 6 years later when I realised that it many ways I was enabling him to continue the abuse and control, it all came to a head and I ended up with no choice but to get the police involved and finally I felt truly free, although it was a really horrible time. Im not sure he is going to let you do this and I am fearful for what he may do.

GeekLove · 09/10/2017 07:44

But getting the police involved will get the ball rolling. I know it is traumatic but it will be worse of you don't. Do you want your children to think that this is what marriage and adult relationships are meant to be like.

You are fighting years of conditioning that women are a type of domestic appliance that you can have sex with rather than thinking beings in their own right. You are stronger than you think. The scales are falling, you've left once but please do so soon and go to a Refuge. We don't want to see you as a statistic.

Desmondo2016 · 09/10/2017 07:45

For example , if he goes for legal access to the kids he WILL be granted it as it stands and you could end up back at square one as guaranteed he will not play nicely. If theres already a record of his abuse and why you are moving on etc you are in a MUCH stronger position.

RandomMess · 09/10/2017 07:46

If you do not use the police and the courts he will use them to remove the DC from you so he is resident parent and you have limited contact. You need to get his awful behaviour documented so it can be used to get contact sorted.

You need to speak to WA urgently and get a court order giving you resident parent status with power of arrest attached. After leaving today this is your priority. You need to start claiming benefits as a priority in order to fund all this.

newdaylight · 09/10/2017 07:48

You said it yourself OP, he will go to court for the kids.

So when you're there you want some evidence. If you turn up to court saying he did this and that, but you never involved the police, he'll have a field day saying you're lying and making counter accusations.

You need to call the police for you and your kids sake

Original poster

WonderRose · 09/10/2017 07:52

Telling them what? That he smacks my bum and texts me all day. Sound stupid even to me. He's going to take them from me isn't he

OP posts:

Original poster

WonderRose · 09/10/2017 07:53

He has everything. I have nothing. He holds all the cards.

OP posts:

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 09/10/2017 07:54

Please phone the police. Spanking whilst sometimes a sexual desire is still assault if it's not consensual.

Your husband has convinced you he's acting legally. He isn't. Please call the police and talk to them. They may be able to help you. Humiliation is never acceptable.

onefortheroadplease · 09/10/2017 07:59

Are you definitely able to get away today?

madwomanacrosstheroad · 09/10/2017 08:00

It does not matter whether you "let him do it". You did not actively consent so it is rape.
You left him. He took your kids and held them hostage to make you come back. Then he had sex with you that you did not want. Report it to the police.

Original poster

WonderRose · 09/10/2017 08:00

Yes my cousin is on her way. She'll be here about half 10ish

OP posts:

Desmondo2016 · 09/10/2017 08:03

You don't need to decide which part of the story you are telling or justify why. Just tell the whole story in detail from beginning to end and let the police decide if there's anything criminal. If not, it'll still be recorded should he do anything else. Oh and tell him clearly by message (after you've left) that you don't wish him to contact you at all. That way, even if the content of his messages is disguised as love and concern, it will be considered harassment.

And if you really don't want to phone the police immediately, at least speak to woman's aid.

FluffyWhiteTowels · 09/10/2017 08:05

He's an adult using implements to assault you without your consent for the purpose of intimidating you with pain and humiliation to do what he wants you to do. He is not 'just smacking your bum'.

He is raping you when he demands sex.

He sounds a vile ignorant pig. You are a brave strong person with real life support in your cousin. Your parents are a disgrace.

Thoughts and prayers for you to be safe later today at your cousins.

newdaylight · 09/10/2017 08:07

You've also described financial abuse, harassment, abusive text messages, and controlling behaviours

All of which are of interest to the police and it would help you of they were reported.

You say he holds all the cards. This is the way of getting some back.

ferrier · 09/10/2017 08:12

Please get in touch with WA. They will help you to identify the behaviours of his that
should be reported to the police and will give you the best chance of success when you go to court.

Original poster

WonderRose · 09/10/2017 08:28

I don't see it as financial abuse, it's just how it works, my mum never had access to money either. I might phone woman's aid once I'm at my cousins.

OP posts:

Desmondo2016 · 09/10/2017 08:29

It is financial abuse, however you see it. Just because its normal for you and your mum does not make it right.

Original poster

WonderRose · 09/10/2017 08:30

It I have what I need for the kids and the house. So according to my family/husband I don't need money for anything else

OP posts:

madwomanacrosstheroad · 09/10/2017 08:31

It might be a good idea to contact the police to get you and the kids safely out. Also womens aid in your situation is worth a thought. They will help you through the process of applying for emergency orders in respect of the kids so if he removes them again (which he will) it is clear cut kidnap and the police will get them back to you. In addition your parents at least know where your cousin lives so it might be less safe than un a refuge where you can be moved if he tracks you down.
Also womens aid will organise help with benefits and housing applications and can arrange for personal belongings/ furniture/ appliances to be put into storage until you are rehoused.
Leave as quickly as possible;

newdaylight · 09/10/2017 08:35

Most important thing for now is to get out safely and quickly, and to try and settle as smoothly at your cousins as possible. It's horrific thinking of trying yo go through this when even your parents are against you.

You're doing the right thing, once you've got that out of the way you can plan what next.

At that point woman's aid are worth a call. I've worked with them a lot. They are the experts on this and know where you can turn for help.

Desmondo2016 · 09/10/2017 08:36

It's financial abuse because he controls it. Can you spend your own money freely? Does the cb go into your account. Could you decide to buy yourself a new pair of shoes without having to ask his permission? Does he give you a fair amount of the family spare cash to spend as you wish?

Original poster

WonderRose · 09/10/2017 08:38

I don't earn any money. He does. It's his money. He buys what I need.

OP posts:

newdaylight · 09/10/2017 08:42

He earns It, but it's as much your money as his. Can you remember the words of your vows again?

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