Christian wife leaving my husband

[WonderRose]

I'm a Christian woman about to leave my husband and I was looking for some advice on how to carry the guilt. We have 2 children together and have been together 3 years. He's not a very nice man. I was speaking people before but I can't remember their usernames so can't get in touch with them

Was the letter sent by post?

If so I'm concerned your H knows exactly where you are. Do get on to Women's Aid as soon as you can. Get your local WA here.

You really do need Women's Aid onside. Please contact them asap.

Well done so far. You have done so well. Yes it is sad, esp losing your neices and nephews. I have been through this and, as others are saying, I know I represent a standard they can look to in future: that I refused to accept the status quo and walked.

Keep going. You're doing the right thing.

I remember your original thread OP and just read through this one and I just want to say again how proud you should be of yourself and what a phenomenally brave thing you've done for your children and for yourself

OP, you are amazing & your cousin is amazing.

Months of hassle yes but you are a strong woman & can do this. The payoff of a life of independence for you & dc is soooo worth it. And you will be in a position to help all your nieces/nephews in the future if they need it.

Keep on keeping on & hope you're gaining strength from the support on here x

Listen to your cousin. Your parents cutting you off from your family, is the same as when your husband took your kids.
It's an attempt to manipulate you into crawling back, and being prepared to accept your punishment when you get there.

You've done so well, and and you should try to see see 'everything you've known is gone' as the silver lining.

Good luck and I hope you stay strong x

If your non molestation order has been broken by husband going through parents to contact you then report it! Also if it's come thru post as then he may know where you are. Have you been given a domestic abuse worker or anyone you can ring for advice. I don't want to worry you but you could be in a very dangerous position and I'd be keeping the police upto date and doing everything I could to be as safe as you can

Did you ever say why no one in your family speaks to your cousin ?

OP well done for leaving your husband. You have done the right thing. I am a Christian and can’t imagine being told to be subservient to DH. We are taught that we are all equal and to love one another and treat each other with kindness putting the happiness of others before ourselves. Definitely not what your husband was doing - it was against all of Jesus’s teachings.
Don’t go back to him but keep in contact with Women’s Aid.

This is my church’s policy on domestic abuse OP.

www.churchofengland.org/media/3896806/responding-well-to-domestic-abuse-2017.pdf#page11

I think most churches have similar policies (not sure what type of church you went to - guess it’s a fringe one or maybe not in the UK?) It’s terrible that your church is not supporting you. Most churches would. You should find a different church.

The letter was just from my parents, namely my mum. It wasn't abusive or anything. Just saying how could I do this to my husband, how could I tear the kids away from their father, I've broken a family and God will not forgive me. All that kind of thing. Ive applied for benefits and I'm nearly at the top of the list for a house. My parents know exactly where I am, I don't know of they have told him where I am. I haven't heard from him or seen him. So maybe he's realised it over. My whole family with speak to my cousin because she's nothing like them, she's 30, never married, has a career and doesn't go to church. She doesn't care what people think or anything. She's done amazing for herself.

And you are also as amazing as your cousin.

And you will be even more amazing going forward without constant aggressive beatings and sexual assault and being controlled and dominated and humiliated.

Your cousin is more Christian than your parents. She realised the situation and trusted and believed you and she has helped you and been there for you and your children.

One day at a time. Keep strong. I'm so sorry to hear your mum lacks compassion and motherly love to want her child safe and happy and harmfree

Imagine if God didn't forgive that Heaven would be empty. What your mother must do now is forgive you, tis one of the commandments!

God is merciful, he instructs us to be so. I'm not Christian. If your faith is important to you, don't let him, your mother or their trying to make you feel guilty ruin your faith.

God doesn't have a big master plan and control over everything and everyone. Poeple sin because they can. People forgive because they want to. Why would this god set you up and test you, or stand back and allow it.....he doesn't because he doesn't have absolute power. What you can have is faith, don't let them make you feel guilty whilst also telling you any bollocks about god's will.

If it were god's will that husband's abuse their wives, if it were god's will to test you and make you suffer, if God had absolute power to do this, how could you have sinned? Your husband made his own choices.

We can only feel guilty for choices we freely make. Your husband chose to abuse. You simply did what any living thing would do, save yourself. You have nothing to feel guilty for. You saved yourself and your children. That was not just a choice but an absolute necessity.

Sorry OP but how dare your mother presume to know what God will or will not forgive! That's a massive red flag of twisted egotistic controlling thinking right there.

I know she's your mum but she's not of sound mind and you're doing so well to protect your children from this toxic environment.

This is not Christianity at all it's an abusive enabling organisation that is using religion as a form of control.

Your cousin sounds amazing. You are doing brilliantly and you're being an amazing mum.

Unfortunately you've been enraged in the sort of extreme Christianity that gives the religion a bad name.

I'm not religious myself but none of my Christian friends aren't feminists or believe that a marriage of domestic abuse or violence is God's will.

Is there a support group for people who've left and been ex-communicated by your church?

Really concerned he knows where you are (of course your parents will have told him).

He is a dangerous man.

Your parents adhere to a truly twisted interpretation of Christianity. If Jesus were to come back today he would have nothing but compassion for you and praise for your courage.

I watched a very disturbing documentary on a certain Christian denomination that required a child to sit in a room with a man who sexually abused her and forced her to forgive him. The church elders making these decisions were from everyday professions (postman etc) and thought their judgment was absolute. Sadly this happened in the UK.

The girl grew up and left. She was shunned and had no family contact. But I believe she worked with a support group to get back on track. I'll see if I can find it.

I honestly think the more you look into it the more detached you will become from that thinking.

The psychological section of this site would be worth reading:

www.culthelp.info/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=46&Itemid=7

This might be useful too:

www.exitsupportnetwork.com/recovery/emotdiff.htm

Please make sure the police know that he now has the address where you are and that your parents have helped him to get the children back last time.
He will now know where you are. Make sure you take all precautions you can. Obviously all windows and doors locked and if possible have someone there with you all the time. Maybe if there's neighbours your cousin is friends with they should be watching out for anyone about.

Yes I too am very concerned they know your address..... please let the Police know this is an absolute breach ...

@Wonder- I agree with others here. You need to show the police the letter from your parents. I have no doubt whatsoever that your parents have told him the address.
My guess is that he is lying low for now because he doesn't want to get into more trouble with the police (and he will have been told in no uncertain terms by court/police that he isn't to come anywhere near you) but a abuser (and I would go as far as saying psychopath though I am no expert by far) will (wrongly) feel angry, bitter and want to 'get back' at you for some warped and sick perceived sense of injustice that he will have convinced himself of.
People as sick as him never learn. I don't want to put you on edge anymore OP. You have been through things that would floor those less brave and strong, you have been so courageous in getting away from this monster, but until he is locked up, you need to be aware. Whatever you do don't go out alone and ensure your phone is fully charged etc in case you need help quickly.
Your cousin sounds like an amazing, brave supportive, loving lady herself...... she will protect you and be there for you. She sounds incredibly un-selfish so make the most of the unconditional support she obviously provides....but also you are more than welcome to come here to rant, seek advice or simply get things off your chest anytime too. We are all behind you.
I also agree that you should seek support from Women's Aid. They are experts, they deal with this sort of thing more often than any of us want to think about. They will provide support and practical advice as well as things like alarms and potentially a watch service or someone to go to the shops with you if your cousin isn't available for example.
As for your parents. I am so sorry @Wonder but you need to cut all contact with them. Their behaviour is disgusting. They are 'allowing" your husband"s abuse and condoning it. They should be ashamed.

I agree that when you feel stronger you should write to them and tell them what he did to you with no parts withheld.....everything in all its stark detail. Although having said that, you don't need to justify your actions to ensure that you and your children are safe and free to anyone, least of all these heartless, cruel individuals.
You don't need his validation nor theirs #Wonder....you are safe and so are your children.... You are so strong and brave and even though it's tough and horrible at the moment, you will come through and things will get better.
Don't forget we are all here for you. Stay safe and well dear lady.

16th September, 9th October...

Camellia I have reported your post but suggest you request for it to be deleted.

You've got the dates/months mixed up and will just add further distress with your post.

Your parents don't know what a broken home is. You were living in a brokwn home in an abusive marriage and by proxy a man who would prime his children to abusive relationships. You are fixing a family. Your family. Yourself, your children and your allies. Your parents are out of that picture for now.

I bet your parents marriage isn't great now I wonder