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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Christian wife leaving my husband

603 replies

WonderRose · 16/09/2017 11:48

I'm a Christian woman about to leave my husband and I was looking for some advice on how to carry the guilt. We have 2 children together and have been together 3 years. He's not a very nice man. I was speaking people before but I can't remember their usernames so can't get in touch with them

OP posts:
bullyingadvice2017 · 10/10/2017 22:13

Speak to women's aid tomorrow, access all the help and support you can. The can help to rehouse you and get sorted. Maybe near your cousin would be a good option if that's far away from him and your parents! Start of a new quiet life for you and your kids!

Original poster
WonderRose · 10/10/2017 22:14

I'll phone them tomorrow after court. This is all getting too real.

OP posts:
Jamboree05 · 10/10/2017 22:18

What about the message he sent saying he was going to, essentially, anally rape you? That's massive evidence. If you haven't already, you should be sharing that with them.

Jamboree05 · 10/10/2017 22:20

Sorry to bring that back up btw OP but I did notice you mention that text up thread and it would definitely play in your favour...

Original poster
WonderRose · 10/10/2017 22:21

It just said "it's going in your ass again tonight", that doesn't prove anything? He will say it was consensual or something. Sorry I don't mean to be all doom and gloom and questioning everything everyone says. I'm just worried hes going to get away with it and take my kids.

OP posts:
Desmondo2016 · 10/10/2017 22:21

That's the one I was thinking of.

bullyingadvice2017 · 10/10/2017 22:28

Well you need to make sure you do everything in your power to make sure that dosent happen.
Tell the police everything you can. Don't keep secrets for him- it's his shame not yours. Start as you mean to go on, doing everything you can to build a new life without him in it.
Refer yourself to every source of help you can. Make yourself get to the angry protective stage and grab hold of it.

colouringinagain · 10/10/2017 22:34

Another lurker wishing you all the very best through the next days, weeks and months.

You Are amazing. And in the right. Hold onto that and all the support that the police and women's aid can give you.

One day you will look back on now from a good place.

bullyingadvice2017 · 10/10/2017 22:35

Have you got messages from when he took kids back and you had to go back?

Jamboree05 · 10/10/2017 22:38

OP, it can still be used as evidence. Turn everything over to the police and let them work their magic. You've been so strong and I'm really in awe of you reading all this.

Mojomarm · 10/10/2017 22:54

OP - another de-lurker here who just wants to praise you on how incredibly brave and courageous you are being. You may not feel that way or see it like that now, but your future self will be so proud of what you’ve done in the past few days.

I also wanted to re-emphasise what other posters have said and beg you to speak to Women’s Aid asap. Not only will they be offer to help with the practical aspect of things like accommodation, benefits etc., but I think in your case the most valuable thing they can offer is emotional support. Your upbringing and subsequent marriage have completely understandably shattered you into someone who can’t believe in themselves. That’s sadly the effect of the abuse you’ve suffered. Women’s Aid will understand why you feel and think they way you do. They can help and sympathise with your fear about you losing your children to this man. They can offer real advice and support to explain how you can really boost your case against him with examples of how others have done it. They can empathise and offer you advice to ease your fears. They will help explain things that the police may have mentioned, but you weren’t sure about at the time. They are here to help YOU and will be more than happy to do so. They have supported so many women like yourself whose emotional and mental wellbeing has been obliterated by cruel, viscous abusers by helping them on to a fresh start. They will understand you. PLEASE use them as from your posts it seems as though (completely understandably) an extra emotional, supportive crutch is what you need right now, in addition to your fabulous cousin.

Also, try and remember that when you are doubting yourself or having anxiety about what the future may hold because your husband is a devious shit, it’s because he (and your parents) have drilled fear into you about a situation that simply isn’t how the real world operates. If the vast majority of people on here are saying you are doing the right thing, and are being a fabulous mother by protecting your DC from that hideous man, then maybe, just maybe, that chorus of positive voices will start to drown out the negative echoes from your past.

Sending warmth and love. I hope you begin to find peace soon.

readyforno2 · 10/10/2017 23:04

Wonder, I don't really have any better advice than you have already been given, But you are so strong.
You have done the right and best thing for your children. Try to get some sleep. You need to look after yourself as well as your dc Flowers

newdaylight · 11/10/2017 06:57

Those text messages and voicemails are brilliant evidence OP. Have you not shown them to the police yet? You're right in that they don't prove anything on their own, but when they 're put with the video and photographic evidence you've given, they contribute to add more weight yo what you're saying and make it more difficult to say otherwise.

Also, I'm assuming if police take a look at the bank statements they'll see that he has started taking out certain bits of cash on a regular basis which coincides with how he has given you money recently (not letting you have the bankcard). That's evidence of financial abuse.

He might be charming but police will be used to it. I sometimes have to interview such people in my role and there's always telltale signs or patterns that give things away

picklemepopcorn · 11/10/2017 06:57

Good luck for today, Wonder.

This is all new and scary, but it has to be done! You can't carry on as things were.

madwomanacrosstheroad · 11/10/2017 07:57

He is likely to have convinced you that he is more powerful, charming, plausible etc.
Usually those men do not come accross like that to people who have experience in the area and do the interviews/assessments.
Also you need to consider changing your sim card. I am assuming that the contract is in his name. If so then he can sign into his account and see exactly who you have been calling when.
I assume that is how he got your cousins telephone number. There also is a good chance that your phone is linked to his account or other device so he can monitor what you access on the web etc and to locate you. I would go to a phone shop, get it checked, get a pay as you go sim. You can transfer your number or get a new one which he does not have.

SeaEagleFeather · 11/10/2017 08:03

madwoman's advice is spot on.

Ask your cousin to do it if you are overloaded, but this is essential to keep you safe wonder

RhinoGirl · 11/10/2017 08:15

You are so brave OP, stay strong you can do this!

Quartz2208 · 11/10/2017 08:16

I agree with madwoman the text would be very hard I think coupled with the other evidence to be convincing. He is likely to be far less charming outside of his religious comfort zone

bullyingadvice2017 · 11/10/2017 09:08

I'd be making a list of things to do. Positive things. That will make your life better.

Court
Women's aid
Sort phone out. You don't want him tracking you. Get a pay as you go sim, maybe your cousin or someone has a old phone you can use.
Make sure police know EVERYTHING that's gone on.
I think you could register with a GP where you are now and then you can access some counselling and any medical help you may need.... it's also all down on your records then.

RebeccaWithTheGoodHair · 11/10/2017 09:37

Dear wonder, just another one to add to the list saying I think you are fantastic, brave and more resilient than you think you are.

PPs are right that everything you have (voicemail, texts, etc) builds a picture. And so what if it is your word against his? It is also his word against yours and you have bruising, intimidating messages, evidence of financial control. Perhaps one of these things might not stack up (not saying it wouldn't) but put together that is a lot of damning evidence that you are right.

Please keep going wonder through these hard days and tell your cousin that I personally also think she's wonderful. What a person to have by your side, one of many you will find through the coming years.

ohfourfoxache · 11/10/2017 09:44

Really hope today goes as well as it possibly can.

Madwoman's advice is brilliant btw, please please follow it Wonder.

Stay strong, you're doing this Thanks

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 11/10/2017 11:19

Hoping and praying court goes well for you today Wonder. What you have done is amazing, and you have so many people behind you.

applesandpears33 · 11/10/2017 11:31

Thinking of you today and hope all goes well. Please do think about contacting Womens Aid - they will be able to give you great advice about what to do and expect next.

There is a prayer thread and a Christian chat thread in the religion/philosophy section on Mumsnet. Feel free to come and join us - non judgemental and many folk have been through break ups.

Flammingstar · 11/10/2017 14:57

Ohhhhhh my goodness #Wonder I have just caught up with this thread and I am shocked to the core. I can not begin to imagine what you are going through.
You are totally bloody AMAZING and SO brave and strong.....please please do not forget that.
This animal (Not a man) is a vile, disgusting abuser. The way you have been treated is hideous.

You have been sooooo brave.....please remember that you have done NOTHING wrong. This person is a monster.
Please don't think that he will take your children again.....or that he will get away with what he has done.....he WON'T.

The police, judges etc are well used to these abusers and liars putting on an act.....they will see right through his "charm'.....you have indisputable injuries and evidence that there is noooo way on earth that he will be able to wriggle out of with all the charm in the world.
He had abused you mentally, physically, sexually and financially. ....the police have seen that. He will be arrested on some VERY serious charges....
If he does so much as ring you or comes within a mile of you or the children he WILL be arrested again so please try not to worry.

Post here as much as you want dear brave lady and feel free to pm me if you want too. The pig is going to face some VERY serious consequences of his behaviour and you will be able to move on with your life with peace and freedom.
What you have been through is hideous and the steps you have taken to ensure you and your children are safe and well are so admirable....you ARE strong.

It is so difficult when you have been brainwashed by this scumbag and your parents to get out of that way of thinking and to feel safe and strong again....but slowly you are on the right path and things will get better Wonder.

Please please stay strong and keep co-operating with the police. They DID believe you, we alllllllll believe you and we are here for you anytime.

Good luck with court and Police today Wonder FlowersFlowersCake

To those that have been less than helpful or disbelieved this OP jog on....you should be ashamed....your input is not welcome.

Pannnn · 11/10/2017 18:00

Hope all is going okay?
I think our lack of posting since last night largely is to do with not being demanding of you.
Please let us know how things are if you feel like it.