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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Christian wife leaving my husband

603 replies

WonderRose · 16/09/2017 11:48

I'm a Christian woman about to leave my husband and I was looking for some advice on how to carry the guilt. We have 2 children together and have been together 3 years. He's not a very nice man. I was speaking people before but I can't remember their usernames so can't get in touch with them

OP posts:
Original poster
WonderRose · 10/10/2017 13:50

They are taking it very seriously which I'm surprised at. I honestly thought they would just tell him to stay away from me or something. Feels so strange having paid telling me everything he's done was wrong. They were also asking about my parents, they set me up psychologically to accept abuse as normal. If it wasn't for them I probably wouldn't have been in this situation.

OP posts:
6demandingchildren · 10/10/2017 13:54

You are totally amazing, and the life you will have with your children will be amazing and will be built on just love xxxx

confusedwife84 · 10/10/2017 14:14

Well done OP, think of your beautiful children and how much you are improving things for them xx

glenthebattleostrich · 10/10/2017 14:17

Well done OP.

Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 10/10/2017 14:22

Well done OP. Seriously you are amazing.

And yes sadly I think your parents have at the very least damaged you and made it possible for an abuser to get his claws into you very easily. You don't have to answer but since you said you didn't know yourself some of it - were your parents aware of the violent and rape ?

I'm sorry this happened to you and I'm sorry you've never known what a respectful loving relationship is like.

But one day, maybe not for a while but one day you will.

I hope he gets prosecuted to the fullest extent.

Good luck tomorrow with the non mol order.

DanHumphreyIsA · 10/10/2017 14:32

Well done x

Original poster
WonderRose · 10/10/2017 14:41

They knew about the smacking uff. I told them that's why i left among other things. They told me that I caused it and wasn't doing what I should be, If I was a better wife he wouldn't need to be like this

OP posts:
springydaffs · 10/10/2017 14:45

Well done getting through that.

You have done the right thing Flowers

SeaEagleFeather · 10/10/2017 14:54

oh, the eternal justification for a man hitting a woman, or a bad parent hitting a child. "if only you'd do this then I wouldn't have to hit you"

Well, if someone is abusive and unable to take responsibility - they always say 'she made me hit her'.

wonder, it's very early days but I strongly suggest you do not contact your parents in any way at -all- for now, and probably for some time. You will want to at some points, but please don't. You need time and support because you can barely see it now, but you have been systematically abused and taught to believe bad things like it's always a woman's place to be subservient.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. .... 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

THIS is what your parents should have done. They did not and there was a profound betrayal there.

This is for the future though. Right now your most pressing issue is the cruel man you have escaped from.

Gemini69 · 10/10/2017 15:03

Bless you Lady... keep strong Flowers

Mary1935 · 10/10/2017 15:13

Well done - you've done a great thing today. Stay strong x

FluffyWhiteTowels · 10/10/2017 15:21

Your parents tricked you before with stealing your children.

Your parents have as you now see set up psychologically to accep abuse and continued to make you believe that you deserved to be assaulted in the most cruel and disgusting ways which the police have confirmed is assault, sexual assault and coecion.

Please don't trust them. They may feel they have 'lost face' and be even more devious in how they try to betray you next time and in the immediate future.

And you will no doubt feel wobbly and confused. You are amazing and strong and I'm so glad you're finally getting support to stop these terrible behaviours happening to you or your children

picklemepopcorn · 10/10/2017 15:32

You'll be surprised at how exhausted you feel. Take it easy. Get as much rest as you can.

redthefraggle · 10/10/2017 15:38

Just wanted to add to the chorus of others that I think you've been amazing; so brave and strong and even if you may not feel it right now you will be so proud of yourself in the coming months.

The advice and support on here has been fantastic but, if you haven't already, please do contact Women's Aid who will be able to support you and your children in real life.

Keep going and keep your head held high. You did nothing to deserve the despicable treatment you have received at the hands of another so-called human. The next few days and weeks will be tough but you CAN do it. Think of the life you are already starting for you and your children and what an amazing role model you are to them by undertaking this huge change and protecting both yourself and them from this monster.

Sending you so much love and best wishes. May your new life be a free and happy one xxx

Linzilou1985 · 10/10/2017 16:19

Well done Wonder! That is an amazing step that you have taken, for you, and your children.

Keep posting lovely xxx

Pannnn · 10/10/2017 16:55

OP make sure you eat. Even when you don't feel like it. Stress will Rob you of vitamins and minerals and make you feel heady and weak. Eat!

NettleTea · 10/10/2017 17:32

you are amazing xxx

Original poster
WonderRose · 10/10/2017 17:35

I don't feel amazing. My cousin got us a take away pizza, first take away in over 2 years. And I'm not even enjoying it. He's going to hate me for taking the kids away and going to the police.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 10/10/2017 17:40

He hates you anyway! No man who loves their partner treats them like that.

Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 10/10/2017 17:49

It doesn't matter if he hates you.

He's a disgusting predator and he shouldn't be near children or anyone else for that matter. He should be locked up. And I hope he will be.

Did they say when they will arrest him ?

If he does come round to harassyou don't hesitate to call the police straight away.

You might not feel amazing but you've got your kids away from a violent abusive man to protect them. You're doing better than your parents for a start.

Pannnn · 10/10/2017 17:56

OP the fear of his emotional reaction is part of the conditioning. Massively ignore it. He will know you will feel guilty and try to use that in your head. Don't let him. Keep.posting on here. We have you and your little ones interest. He doesn't. He wants control to abuse you freely.

Pannnn · 10/10/2017 18:01

And I've been working professionally around domestic and sexual abuse for about 30 years.
What you are doing and who are for doing it IS amazing. You are remarkably brave and a role model. Don't forget that please.

bullyingadvice2017 · 10/10/2017 18:08

Massive well done for today op! You are moving on and keeping yourself and your little ones safe! There should be no issue with the non molestation order... he has done way more than enough to grant one!

rizlett · 10/10/2017 18:26

It might take a while op for you to get out of the habit of continually thinking about what he may or may not be thinking/doing.

It's normal to have a lot of ups and downs and to be wondering what to do for the best.

When you feel ready please talk to womensaid to get further support so that you can process all your feelings and explore all your options.

You no longer have to do anything you don't want to. Flowers

Gemini69 · 10/10/2017 18:29

Lady.. you have a right... to be loved cherished respected and treated with dignity...

you will get through this Flowers