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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Christian wife leaving my husband

603 replies

WonderRose · 16/09/2017 11:48

I'm a Christian woman about to leave my husband and I was looking for some advice on how to carry the guilt. We have 2 children together and have been together 3 years. He's not a very nice man. I was speaking people before but I can't remember their usernames so can't get in touch with them

OP posts:
Joysmum · 10/10/2017 08:02

I'm so glad you're out of there.

I too had a problem with seeing what was normal and acceptable.

My therapist helped me with that by holding a mirror up to the situation/behaviour. Would you be comfortable behaving in the same way? If not, why not?

That's the best way I've found to try to work things out in my own mind.

SeraphinaDombegh · 10/10/2017 08:06

Strength and love to you this morning @WonderRose. You can do this. We're all behind you x

Original poster
WonderRose · 10/10/2017 08:06

What if they don't arrest him? What can I do then?

OP posts:
Original poster
WonderRose · 10/10/2017 08:07

I just keep thinking they aren't going to arrest him or there's not enough to arrest him.

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 10/10/2017 08:09

Don't worry about that now. Just go and get everything documented, because that will help you get support to stay away from him. Just one step at a time. You have got away, you are telling the police, let tomorrow worry about itself. Well done!

Gazelda · 10/10/2017 08:10

If they don’t arrest him, then you ask them what steps they recommend you take to protect yourself and the DC.
And you phone Women’s Aid who are experts (and very nice people) at this sort of situation. Tragically, men like him are more common than we realise.
Whichever way it goes, please call Women’s Aid. They will be on your side. They will have advice. They will have knowledge and expertise. They will know what to do.

Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 10/10/2017 08:13

If they don't arrest him you can still apply for a non molestation order. It's a separate thing I believe - happy to be corrected though.

FluffyWhiteTowels · 10/10/2017 08:16

Make sure you tell the police and WA how your parents tricked you into handing over the children and how he treated you when you returned including the verbal threats, use of the belt and the threats of was he was going to do to you and the humiliation you suffered whilst he was using the belt and the specific manner of rape sex after he used the belt on you and the texts he sent to remind you more of the same was going to be repeated.

This is rape, sodomy, actual bodily harm. Be strong Wonder.

SparklyMagpie · 10/10/2017 08:20

Wishing you strength for today OP!

Will be thinking of you Flowers

Original poster
WonderRose · 10/10/2017 08:30

Thank you. A taxi is picking me up at 9. So nervous.

OP posts:
Desmondo2016 · 10/10/2017 08:31

They will arrest him (based on what you've posted her) 100%.

What have they said about a medical examination?

Desmondo2016 · 10/10/2017 08:33

And presumably they did the risk assessment yesterday? Did they tell you how that graded?

RandomMess · 10/10/2017 08:34

Also apply for residency of the DC with power of arrest attached which means if he doesn't return the DC after contact police can arrest him for it. This doesn't happen unless you apply for it.

I would also then be seeking that contact occurs via a contact centre for the time being.

You need a recommended solicitor from WA who understands what they are dealing with.

Flowers
ferrier · 10/10/2017 08:39

Just Flowers for you WonderRose.
You have been so strong. Keep channelling that strength for your children and for you.
A better life for you all is within your reach now.

NettleTea · 10/10/2017 08:47

the fact he got your parents to take your kids and then used them to hold you hostage is extra info that means his likelihood to abduct them will be flagged as high risk. Its not a good thing to have happened, but it does clearly demonstrate that he will use them as pawns, so should not be allowed unsupervised contact

ohfourfoxache · 10/10/2017 08:48

Good luck Wonder Thanks

You can do this, I promise. The hardest part is over - you left. Nothing could take more courage than that.

Original poster
WonderRose · 10/10/2017 08:50

No they didn't tell me much. They did say about going to a hospital for them to take pictures of the marks he left with the belt. I do remember them saying something to each other about medium something, don't know if that's anything to do with it.

OP posts:
MiniTheMinx · 10/10/2017 08:53

I hope it goes well today. He has assualted you and he has forced you into sex you didn't want. He has threatened you, he has tried to keep you hostage to him through taking the children, he has slapped you, withheld money from you, and he is controlling your movements by checking on you every 15 minutes of every day. That's emotional, physical, sexual and financial abuse. Under these circumstances you have been very brave and very strong, you can do this.

Tell the police everything, because he and your parents have made you think this is normal, tell the police everything, even if you think it's not too bad" let the police decide based on the full facts and as much information as possible.

friskybivalves · 10/10/2017 09:07

I hope you are in the taxi, on your way to resolving this. Time to be strong. Good luck. Deep breaths and don’t worry if other things keep occurring to you that you hadn’t already mentioned. Tell the police the context in which this all happened, in terms of your conditioning by your parents etc. It may help them M understand how difficult it is for you to a) identify the abuse, b) recognize it as such and c) have the guts to talk about it.

FlowersFlowersFlowers

coffeescoffee · 10/10/2017 10:16

I have just read this thread Wonder - you are a very brave woman. Life will get better for you and you WILL be happy.

I just wanted to say I was brought up in a Christian household and there is NO WAY in a million years that that kind of behaviour would be tolerated or accepted as normal.

The other thing is - I really identified when you said about all the years of conditioning. I know some people might be offended by this, but I feel as if I had been brainwashed - the church was all I knew. When I finally left home at 20, I realised that there was a whole other life out there and you can be a good person and live your life without religion. Some of the people in my parents church are so small minded and bigoted and actually full of unhappiness. There is another way..

Much love to you and your children. There is help out there. Keep researching and posting on here too

PurpleStarInCashmereSky · 10/10/2017 10:25

You have been INCREDIBLEY brave OP. It is very difficult to leave an abusive relationship without all the extra headfuckery from your parents and church. Like others have said, in the unlikely event he is not arrested you can still get a non molestation order and an order with powers of arrest if he takes the children. Womens aid will help with this.

Good luck for today. Flowers

placemark123 · 10/10/2017 10:31

Thinking of you Wonder FlowersBrewCake

Original poster
WonderRose · 10/10/2017 11:26

They made me stop for something to eat. They are pretty much just listening while I go through everything that's happened since we got married. Writing it all down. Apparently a lot of what he's been doing is abuse that I didn't even think was abuse. They talked about getting one of those non molestation orders tomorrow I think, Well trying to get one. Just want to go back in and finish and get back to my babies

OP posts:
Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 10/10/2017 11:29

I'm lad you're finally hearing from someone in authority so to speak that he really was abusive all this time and that it wasn't you.

Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 10/10/2017 11:30

Keep going Flowers