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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Christian wife leaving my husband

603 replies

WonderRose · 16/09/2017 11:48

I'm a Christian woman about to leave my husband and I was looking for some advice on how to carry the guilt. We have 2 children together and have been together 3 years. He's not a very nice man. I was speaking people before but I can't remember their usernames so can't get in touch with them

OP posts:
RaininSummer · 09/10/2017 22:12

Good luck girl. Its hard when the scales fall from your eyes and everything you thought was the case turns out to be false. You deserve a happy life with your children.

Linzilou1985 · 09/10/2017 22:46

Just read the whole thread, wonder, you are an amazing woman! I will be thinking of you tomorrow, you're so brave! Be proud of yourself! Flowers

ohfourfoxache · 09/10/2017 23:03

Wonder, did I read that right? You're just 24?

It might help to have access to the thread that was deleted- your posts, anyway. It might help you to put your list together x

BlackeyedSusan · 09/10/2017 23:18

There are some churches that take some bits of the bible very literally, to suit their own agenda.. (and miss other sodding great big bits out) .(male leadership wants to keep it that way and have little women running around after all their needs?) and it is very possible to have a load of people who are brought up to think the man is in charge and that the woman get s to put up with being told what to do. not surprised that this gets out of hand..

also there is very little mention of dv/da in churches.. rarely heard anything about it..

BlackeyedSusan · 09/10/2017 23:23

you can be a christian and have belief in god without believing that you are bound to obey your husband, no matter how abusive, and you can not leave them. this is not true. divorce was an accepted thing in the NT times, for desertions, for not providing for the spouse, for abuse, for adultery..

Firefries · 09/10/2017 23:26

I don't see how Christianity comes into it, unless you are meaning religion (man

  • made theories around God).
Gosh, if your OH is truly not very nice to you and abusive even, no one expects you to stay. If you think you can work through it with counselling by all means then, but if not then you are probably doing more damage to your kids for staying.
BlackeyedSusan · 09/10/2017 23:28

you will probably hear that god hates divorce... if they say that to you, remember that he hates abuse more.

for clarification, I am coming from a dv marriage..and ltb thanks to the relationships board on here..

oh and if you go looking for another church.. avoid the ones where a lot of the women wear hats..

and find one that is welcoming to single parents and understands that they have different needs to those who are parenting as part of a couple.

Firefries · 09/10/2017 23:28

And I think of Jesus meeting the woman at the well (in the gospels) and she had five husbands and still lived with yet another man. What did Jesus offer her? Life. Freedom. Living waters, he says. If this is a serious post then don't let religion hold you back.

Firefries · 09/10/2017 23:32

Sorry, I just read more of your post and I didn't realize it was a month old already. You are doing really well - keep going!!

BlackeyedSusan · 09/10/2017 23:32

definitely man made theories about god not always being right (women made ones would be different)

BlackeyedSusan · 09/10/2017 23:36

the thing is, you do not see it as you are used to it, it is your normal. It takes someone else from outside who is not used to how it is for you to point out how bad it is.

and your brain tends to minimise things as a protection,

it is quite a shock to realise what they have done. it was around the fifth anniversarry of leaving him that some of the seriousness of the previous attacks really becgan to sink in.

springydaffs · 10/10/2017 00:18

You are the stay at home parent, not your husband. The law sees your role as more relevant when it comes to custody of the children. His money is irrelevant when it comes to parenting.

It's important you get your injuries seen and documented. Then it won't be your word against his, do you see? The evidence of what he's done is right there.

Keep going op. I hope you're getting a good sleep xx

placemark123 · 10/10/2017 00:24

Completely horrifying post Wonder. Hope it goes well for you tomorrow.

He is DEFINITELY A MONSTER!!!!

rightsofwomen · 10/10/2017 07:09

springy You are not correct. The law puts the needs of the child first and does not necessarily make the SAHP the resident parent. It is not called custody any more, it's called residency.

My ex was (nominally) the SAHP and I the main bread winner. The courts decided that I would be the resident parent "with generous contact with the father".

Original poster
WonderRose · 10/10/2017 07:30

I guess I still don't see a lot of what he did as abuse. I've grown up with this kind of thinking and it's strange to think of it as 'abuse' I know a lot of what he has done is wrong but I don't know all of it because in my head a lot of it was normal. Dreading going here today and telling them everything. Trying to remember stuff that i don't think was bad but probably is, like you's have said. Just feel sick with it all already and it's not even started yet.

OP posts:
confusedwife84 · 10/10/2017 07:33

We’re all thinking about you, tell them everything. You can do this x

SonicBoomBoom · 10/10/2017 07:38

Do you know if there will be a specialist in domestic violence there when you give your statement?

Good luck.

Original poster
WonderRose · 10/10/2017 07:39

Yeah I think there will be. Thank you. My cousin is going to watch the kids while I'm away. I don't want to take them there

OP posts:
Original poster
WonderRose · 10/10/2017 07:43

I have 16 voicemails on my phone and countless texts to show them today. I've listened to some of them but not all.

OP posts:
Amethyst975 · 10/10/2017 07:46

Thinking of you today xox Flowers

SeaEagleFeather · 10/10/2017 07:46

Keep breathing deeply and steadily and most of all, think of your children wonder. You wouldn't want your girls growing up with the same kind of conditioning that you've had. Or your boys. Remember; your husband was belted as a child, he's belted you. What are the chances of him belting your children? Quite high I'd imagine.

If you can, try to eat something. At the moment I imagine you're in shock and the practical things can help - sleep, too. It helps so much. If you can't sleep, can you get to a doctor to see if you can (temporarily) get something to help?

Are your children at school? Please please ask the police how to keep them safe from your husband. It is worth contacting the school too to tell them the situation.

Most of all, one step in front of the next right now. You're doing what you have to to keep yourself and your children safe and doing it well.

Original poster
WonderRose · 10/10/2017 07:48

My daughter is 2 and my son is 9 months. So they aren't even at nursery or anything yet. I can't eat but I did manage to sleep last night, eventually. I don't want my son to grow up like him or my daughter to grow up like me.

OP posts:
Original poster
WonderRose · 10/10/2017 07:49

I don't think he would belt the kids, he always said he would never hit his children like his father hit him. But apparently its ok to belt me

OP posts:
Jamboree05 · 10/10/2017 07:49

wonder, I've just caught up on this thread and couldn't pass by without commenting. You are an amazing woman and should be so proud yourself. This is the hardest thing you will ever do or go through but things will get better. Good luck today at the police.

SeaEagleFeather · 10/10/2017 07:49

Wishing you the best for the police interview.