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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Christian wife leaving my husband

603 replies

WonderRose · 16/09/2017 11:48

I'm a Christian woman about to leave my husband and I was looking for some advice on how to carry the guilt. We have 2 children together and have been together 3 years. He's not a very nice man. I was speaking people before but I can't remember their usernames so can't get in touch with them

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 09/10/2017 17:50

Well done for reporting him WonderRose

Please try to have a calm evening and don't feel too stressed Flowers

DanHumphreyIsA · 09/10/2017 17:58

I have just read this thread and I'm so sorry for what you have been through. I have no real advice, but I feel happy you have finally found some support through this thread and your cousin, so much so that you've had the confidence to help yourself and you children.

I'm sorry your parents weren't supportive of you, but the silver lining eventually will show and you'll be getting rid of the toxic in your life.

Good luck OP

ohfourfoxache · 09/10/2017 18:31

Bloody well done!

You're doing brilliantly. I know it seems big and scary but you can't eat an elephant in one bite. You need to take one small manageable bite at a time - which is exactly what you're doing.

You should be very very proud of yourself. Just look at how far you've come since your first post - it's pretty amazing.

Gemini69 · 09/10/2017 18:35

Congratulations OP ... the beginning of the end Flowers

Original poster
WonderRose · 09/10/2017 18:45

Kids are in bed. I'm sitting here shaking. I feel like he's going to take them no matter what I do. He has money, a home, a job, he is respected. I have nothing. I can't provide for them and he will use that won't he?? I pray the police decide to arrest him tomorrow if they don't he's free to take them back

OP posts:
ducknose · 09/10/2017 18:58

None of that matters, he's still an abuser regardless of his social standing or financial advantage.
You are their mum, there is no reason why he as an abuser or even if he wasn't, would be in a better position to have residency of your children. Don't worry about things like that.

ducknose · 09/10/2017 19:00

You've done amazingly to have taken the steps you have, it must have taken a lot, strong lady!

Mary1935 · 09/10/2017 19:08

The police will believe you WonderRose - it's was a relief for me once I gave a statement. He was arrested a charged - I had bruises up my arm and the police do know how to deal with these type of men. You are doing very well. You can't carry on with a life like this. It's no future for you or your children. Well done for protecting them. Contact women's aid - they have local branches and they can support you. I'm sorry about your parents. That's tough too - but at least you know. 🌺

Sunshinesaz86 · 09/10/2017 19:50

Well done for leaving. Very brave.

You keep saying you have no money citezens advice/woman's aid can help you claim money you will be entitled too as a single mother and may be able to provide you with some sort of grant.

There are a lot of people who don't/can't work and have children and claim benefits so they can live.

Take it one step at a time but you'll get everything in place in the end.

Good luck with the police tomoro x

SheepyFun · 09/10/2017 20:18

Just wanted to say that as a Christian, your husband has behaved appallingly. I'm part of a fairly conservative church, but I've never heard my husband shout in anger (at me or anyone else). He certainly hasn't hit me, or ever had sex with me without my enthusiastic participation. I have full, unrestricted access to all his/my/our money (some of which I earn, but the vast majority of which he does). A few years ago he considered a career change, but felt that the impact on me would be detrimental, so out of love for me, didn't switch. That's what a loving marriage looks like - just to remind you of how wrong your situation is.

MiniTheMinx · 09/10/2017 20:40

Wonder, you are doing great,

He can't just take the children. You can make sure this doesn't happen. Once you have reported him, you can speak to police and WA about a non-molestation order to keep him away from you. Because of the abuse you can probably make a good case that if he has access to the children, that this happens in a contact centre, where he will be supervised and he won't be able to take the children out.

WA will probably also be able to help you get information about applying for housing and benefits, and then you will have a home and you will have some income to look after the children.

One step at a time
Flowers

Original poster
WonderRose · 09/10/2017 20:45

I'll deal with all of that after the interview tomorrow. So nervous about it. Having to go through everything that he done. Wether they will take it seriously. What will happen afterwards. My cousin is in bed. I'm jusy sitting here, can't sleep

OP posts:
SparklyMagpie · 09/10/2017 21:04

Stay strong OP! You can do this!

We're all behind you Flowers

Grimbles · 09/10/2017 21:18

I am so pleased you are out of there.

confusedwife84 · 09/10/2017 21:18

Of course they will take you seriously, be completely honest and don’t hide anything. You are doing amazingly well! Xx

Grimbles · 09/10/2017 21:20

If it's not too hard, can you start to compile a list of the things your husband has done to you to help you when you give your statement? You may be more nervous and flustered, or feel frightened when it's time to speak about it tomorrow.

Original poster
WonderRose · 09/10/2017 21:35

I never thought about that. I'll do that now thank you for suggesting it

OP posts:
WellThisIsShit · 09/10/2017 21:38

You're doing really well.

You are the children's mother. You take care of them most, and their father does a traditional kind of remote bread winner role right?

These things count more than your bank balance you know.

Do NOT let your husband take the children. It's much easier to keep them than try and get them back as he seems to think he's above the law.

You might have to move to a hostel where he can't find you though... please talk to Women's Aid and the police tomorrow about going into hiding where you (& the children) are safe.

By the way, you'll have a home again. And money. All these things will happen, a bit at a time.

WellThisIsShit · 09/10/2017 21:42

Good idea Grimbles.

Especially useful as you've been used to believing it's all normal and not really abuse.

Blanking things out is a good way of coping when we are in the midst of an upsetting and risky situation. It become a pain in the neck afterwards though, when you are trying to tell people what happened. Some notes might help you remember...

Original poster
WonderRose · 09/10/2017 21:45

He played with the now and then. He couldn't handle them full time. He gets stressed enough on the days he's off work and he doesn't even spend the whole day with us. Writing this list beginning when we got married, it's actually making me feel sick, seeing it written down like this. I keep changing from thinking he wasnt that bad to he is a monster.

OP posts:
BagelGoesWalking · 09/10/2017 21:46

And when you write things down, it’s not only the physical/six things he did, it’s also the language he used, refusal to give you access to money etc.

Those are not “normal” behaviours in a marriage and the police should know it, so a complete picture can be built up.

Original poster
WonderRose · 09/10/2017 21:50

It's strange my first thread that was deleted, I actually came here for advice on how to make my marriage better and how to be a begfer wife to him and nesrly every kind person here has made me see thing s more clearly than I've ever done. I know a lot of people don't believe me or don't understand what my life is like as they can't imagine people/parents doing those kind of things. It's the hardest thing I've ever done, trying to change 24 years of conditioning by my parents and church. Trying to see that the way I was brought up wasn't right and my marriage was even worse. I didn't see an issue with what he was doing to me I just wanted to be better for him. And now it's like my eyes habe been opened. It's a very strange feeling. But I do want to thank everyone who's helped and had advice and kind words they mean the world to me x

OP posts:
SeraphinaDombegh · 09/10/2017 21:55

Hugs for you, @WonderRose. You are doing amazingly, incredibly well under great pressure. I'm so so proud of you for reporting him to the police. You're so brave. Please keep us updated. I'm praying for you and your children. Flowers

RandomMess · 09/10/2017 21:56
Flowers
WellThisIsShit · 09/10/2017 21:56

Yeah, writing it all down will help with that.

You might find you keep remembering things for weeks after, as you start to re-examine what's been happening more and more.

It's so hard when you've believed you lived with a good man who's maybe a tiny bit flawed sometimes, and now you're realising that he wasn't being a good man at all. From this man as nearly a saint to this same man as mostly a monster. A hard realisation to be having. Flowers