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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Christian wife leaving my husband

603 replies

WonderRose · 16/09/2017 11:48

I'm a Christian woman about to leave my husband and I was looking for some advice on how to carry the guilt. We have 2 children together and have been together 3 years. He's not a very nice man. I was speaking people before but I can't remember their usernames so can't get in touch with them

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 09/10/2017 12:14

Please please don't delete ANYTHING. Keep posting, keep this thread, keep your texts and voicemails. The texts and voicemails go with you to the police and your threads you use later on to help with timelines/your solicitor to identify all his behaviours.

Consider getting a non molestation order against your parents as well as him.

Please please don't back out of this, you're doing so well, but you need to see this through now and report him to the police. It's time to keep you and your dc safe.

Original poster
WonderRose · 09/10/2017 12:17

I don't know what a non molestation order is

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 09/10/2017 12:18

And get pictures of your injuries and get to a GP, even as a temporary patient with your cousins GP. Get absolutely everything recorded formally.

ohfourfoxache · 09/10/2017 12:19

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/getting-an-injunction/

Information on non mols here op

Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 09/10/2017 12:25

But your parents will. And they might tell him.

A non molestation order basically is a legal thing that stops him coming near you.

Original poster
WonderRose · 09/10/2017 12:27

Like a restraining order like you see in movies?

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 09/10/2017 12:28

And if you get a non mol then hopefully it will help in terms of keeping the kids away from him. Which you need to try to do.

RandomMess · 09/10/2017 12:37

YOur parents know when your cousin lives you need to go straight to the police and start reporting this to protect you and the DC from him turning up.

Original poster
WonderRose · 09/10/2017 12:40

He won't come here

OP posts:
SparklyMagpie · 09/10/2017 12:41

DO NOT DELETE ANYTHING!!!

Make sure you get photos of any marks, bruising etc.

I"m so glad you're out and with your cousin now but I'm worried about the fact your parents know where your cousin lives, so make sure the police is the first thing you do when you get back

Well done OP! Flowers

Original poster
WonderRose · 09/10/2017 12:43

My cousin just said she will kick his ass if he comes to her house. I'm not laughing but its pretty funny because I know she will

OP posts:
Original poster
WonderRose · 09/10/2017 12:44

Im going to the police once i get there

OP posts:
Ghostontoast · 09/10/2017 12:54

Please tell the police.

Isn't legal aid still available in domesticated abuse situations?

SparklyMagpie · 09/10/2017 12:57

I'm sure she would OP, I know I definitely would.

Just so glad you have someone you can trust and supports you!

I still can't believe your parents did that!

TheRealBiscuitAddict · 09/10/2017 13:09

There is a post on this thread from mn hq saying they've given the OP benefit of the doubt having had email exchanges with her, so posters need to back off with the accusations of trolling.

Or does this not come across as real because people think that religious people can't be victims? Or because the OP hasn't immediately said "oh, you've all said that it's wrong so it must be, I bough to your wisdom and will leave him as soon as possible."?

It can take a lifetime to become conditioned to this way of thinking. Bearing in mind the OP's own parents live in this kind of relationship to the extent they have returned her children to her abuser. You don't undo this kind of conditioning in the space of a thread on the internet. People really need to get real.

If all it took was a stranger on the internet to convince someone that the relationship they were in was wrong we wouldn't have people in domestic abuse situations would we?

ohfourfoxache · 09/10/2017 13:15

I'm sure she would kick his arse, but you need to be completely prepared. You haven't been in this position before, so you don't know what he'll do in response.

You need a non mol. Please, there are a lot of us on here telling you he's dangerous. Trust us, we've seen it before and sadly we'll see it a great many times in the future.

Don't discount anything, this is new territory

LuxuryWoman2017 · 09/10/2017 13:20

Or does this not come across as real because people think that religious people can't be victims? Or because the OP hasn't immediately said "oh, you've all said that it's wrong so it must be, I bough to your wisdom and will leave him as soon as possible."?

I think it's because it is so outside of most people's experience it seems implausible - it's appalling to think these things can happen but actually regarding your point above, that's exactly what happened. OP first posted on a Saturday wondering if she was being abused and left by Tuesday.

Anyway, OP stay safe and do go to the police, it's a very serious matter.

Blackkitten · 09/10/2017 13:24

Wonder I have just read this thread sounds horrific. I think you are very brave, well done for leaving. Glad you are going to police and GP this has to stop now. Your cousin sounds awesome. Please keep posting and ignore the people who are bullying you on here, there are many people who believe you.

TheRealBiscuitAddict · 09/10/2017 13:25

Actually the OP first posted on Thursday and the thread was deleted partly because HQ thought she was a pbp but also because some precious snowflakes took offence at the thought that someone within a religious community could be in this situation and registered how offended they were hence why the OP has been told not to discuss the circumstances because people find it offensive.

And she left but then all her fears have been realised, he has got the kids back, threatened her, cut off any finance, and this was what she'd been told and despite her being told on here that this can't happen it has. People need to be given the courage to leave but they also need to be given the real facts i.e. That it isn't going to just be a case of walking out the door and living happily ever after when there are children and marriage involved.

picklemepopcorn · 09/10/2017 13:51

Well done Wonder. You've had a huge shift in understanding. Hang in there. Thank goodness for your cousin.

winefortea · 09/10/2017 13:56

Well done for leaving again Wonder. Please do listen to what previous posters have said about contacting the police and women's aid. You have spent such a long time living in your 'normal' that I don't think you are fully appreciating the extent of his abuse. What he has done is not normal or acceptable! Stay safe. X

GeekLove · 09/10/2017 14:07

It's a good thing you can hear how angry he is. You are not missing him. But keep yourself safe. When you inform the police explain the situation with your parents thry are a danger too.

It sucks but now I would assume anyone to do with your old church cannot be trusted. At the very least they would be flying monkeys.

madwomanacrosstheroad · 09/10/2017 14:12

Talk to police and women's aid today. Even if you feel too exhausted. You need to get yor nob mol in place. Basically non mol means a restraining order and it means he can be arrested for breach of the order if he comes near you or your cousins house.
I would seriously consider staying in a women's aid refuge near your cousins home until it all settles a bit. You can still see her and get support of her but it reduces the risk as he can find out where she lives and she will be put under pressure from your family as well

NettleTea · 09/10/2017 14:14

all those texts, all those calls, all those angry threats, your call logs are your ammunition. They prove the abuse, as much as the welts on your body. There will be evidence that you left - a paper trail of sorts - from last time. You will be believed and protected. If he continues he could find himself in really serious trouble

He is not as all powerful as he thinks he is - he may make the laws and pass out the judgement in your home, but his laws do not supercede the laws of the land, and he has really overstepped the mark.

EEVEElution · 09/10/2017 14:17

This situation sounds horrific, I've just read the whole thing and felt physically ill when you described your husband's behaviour. Please do report what he's done to the police, as others have said it will help build evidence against him and make it harder for him to take the kids. Well done for leaving, my thoughts are with you.